So, you know how, like, you’re always wondering what happens to all the characters in movies you like after the movie’s over? I mean, if you’re not a commenter on the imdb.com message boards, where they’re constantly trying to answer this question (and also, what Zac Efron would play that whatever in the whatever remake of whatever), you probably haven’t. But, wonder no more, if you’ve been wondering, because this is the sequel to Pretty in Pink:

So, like, Andie and Blaine stay together through the summer, and Duckie’s dating Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Steph and Blaine still aren’t talking. But then they go off to college. Well, Blaine goes to Northwestern or whatever the most expensive college is out there and Andie has a scholarship to, like, a good school but not a great school somewhere nearby and Duckie gets a job cleaning carpets somewhere around Shermer. And he and Buffy eventually break up when she goes off to college in California. And Steph doesn’t go to college, but he becomes a drug dealer on the Northwestern campus, so he and Blaine start talking again. Anyway, Andie gets pregnant and Blaine starts drinking a lot and tells Steph one night and Steph is like, “Well! You’ve certainly gone out and impregnated… the most… interesting girl of our mumble mumble,” and Blaine is like, “Wah,” and Steph is like, “Take care of it,” in that way that rich people always do in movies, where they’re like, “Take care of it,” instead of, “Tell her to get an abortion,” you know?

So, then Blaine wires her some money to get the abortion and she makes the appointment and he’s like, “I’ll be down there this weekend to go to the appointment with you,” but he stands her up! He backs out on her! Again! Anyway, so she calls Duckie, and Duckie’s there right away, but she doesn’t go through with the abortion and she has the kid. But, like, she can’t finish school because it’s the 80s and women’s lib hadn’t happened yet or whatever? So, she moves back to Shermer and Duckie and she get married and it’s sort of just a marriage of convenience. I mean, at least for her. Duckie obviously wanted to marry her, but she’s just sort of like, “Well, WHAT ELSE am I gonna do??” in that shrieky voice.

So, anyway, they’re raising the kid and she’s all bitter and dissatisfied with her life all the time, but Duckie’s a really good father, it turns out, and then a few years later, Blaine shows back up. He’s an alcoholic at this point, btw. So, Blaine shows up and he’s like, “I want to get back together with you,” and Andie’s like, “You had your chance, Blaine,” but then they end up having an affair anyway. Blaine is a real deadbeat dad. Like, he shows up at birthday parties drunk and with really inappropriate gifts and he misses little league games and everything, and their son (Martin, that’s their son’s name) likes Duckie better anyway. And Duckie knows that something is up, and he’s like, “Can we not invite Blaine, since Martin doesn’t even like him?” and Andie’s like, “We have to invite him! He’s Martin’s real father!” and then Duckie just looks at her. Like, he just looks at her and then walks out of the room. And Andie feels bad that she hurt him, so she goes to a motel and sleeps with Blaine, because that’s how depressed people in movies who are having affairs deal with their guilt: they go and do something that makes them more guilty.

Anyway, at this point, Steph’s been hanging around again after he did a short stint in jail for dealing, and Blaine invites him to Martin’s, like, 10th birthday and he shows up with this giant scar on his face from a knife fight he got into in prison? And Andie’s like, “What are you doing here, Steph?” and Steph is like, “This is Martin’s party, Andie, you can’t tell me what to do,” and Andie’s like, “Well, where’s Blaine anyway?” and Steph’s like, “Shrug,” and Andie’s like, “That filthy fucking no good liar! He didn’t even have the decency to tell me the truth!” Because it turns out that Blaine was going to come to the party and talk to Duckie for her about how she wanted a divorce. But, anyway, Blaine’s not there and Duckie tries to comfort her, but of course Andie doesn’t let him, and Martin tells her he hates her and then Steph tries to say something to make her feel better but she gets all self-righteous that he’s hitting on her, but then she ends up sleeping with him anyway, because she’s sad. Also, everyone’s wearing flannel because it’s the mid-90s.

So, anyway, she’s been having this sort of affair with Steph, but also still carrying on her affair with Blaine, and neither of them knows about it. And then one day, she’s at her house with Steph while Duckie’s cleaning carpets and Blaine stumbles in with some flowers he, like, stepped on accidentally on the way over, and Steph and Blaine discover what was going on and they’re all mad at her and they both leave. But then a year later or something Blaine gets into a drunk driving accident and Steph calls her up and tells her to come to the hospital and Blaine is, like, in a coma and they don’t know if he’ll ever wake up and Steph tries to hold her hand but she gets up and is all, “I choose me,” and Steph’s like, “It’s not like there was much of a choice since Blaine is probably gonna die mumble mumble.” But then when Andie gets home she sees all of Duckie’s bags packed and it turns out that Buffy the Vampire Slayer came back from California a year ago and they’ve fallen in love and he wants to finally go off and have the life he’s always deserved whatever whatever. And at first Andie’s all mad, but then she tells him to go, but it’s this obnoxious scene where she’s acting like she’s the generous one but you’re like, “But you had two affairs for years!” and then Duckie leaves and they give each other a hug goodbye, and he’s like, “Play Try a Little Tenderness sometimes and remember me,” or whatever. And then Martin, who’s 16 now, comes out of the house and he’s like, “Dad!” and it’s really poignant because he’s always called him Duckie, and Duckie’s like, “Son, I have to tell you something,” but before he can finish, Martin’s like, “Dad, take me with you!” and then Duckie looks at Andie and Andie looks up at the sky or whatever and then she’s like, “It’s okay. You can go,” because she chose herself again.

So, Duckie and Martin leave and Andie sits out on a lawn chair in the front yard of her crappy house alone and she’s got bags under her eyes and her hair isn’t as red as it used to be and she’s wearing all black because she’s a boring sad adult now, and a single tear falls down her face, and then she reaches into her bag and takes out a pair of pink sunglasses and puts them on and smiles or something and that’s when the movie’s over.

You know, it’s one of those boring movies that adults like.

This is Blogging All of TV for the weeks of May 16th and 23rd. I mean, all of tv, like, the stuff that I saw. And all of tv, like, the stuff that I saw that was worth grabbing.

Previously on tv…

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[From the abc.com myspace page: "Enjoy these picz guyz becuz we know you *heart* Lozt zo much! Did we do that right?"]

So, the Jimmy Kimmel special that aired right after Lost turned out to be really painful to watch. And not painful because the show was over and everyone in the audience was crying (no, really) and all the actors appeared to be kind of uncomfortable and definitely in no way as invested in or interested in or knowledgeable about the show as everyone in the audience and the floor was covered in sand so everyone’s nice shoes were being filled with sand and everyone had to perch on the edge of these boxes. Because Jimmy Kimmel is a really bad television host.

“This guy’s the worst, right? I mean, right?”

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Get used to it.

You won’t be seeing this face again.

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I’ve been messing around with you for a few days, but I actually honestly for real for actual know what’s going to happen on the final episode of Lost tonight. Like, I actually know what’s going to happen, so, like, spoilers ahead kwim?

It turns out that it was all a dream, and the sideways world was like a dream within a dream. Did you ever have those? Like, before I woke up this morning, I was having this dream that I was going to see my brother’s band play a show and I was getting on a plane and I was in the line and I was like, “This is weird that I’m getting on a plane to go see my brother’s band play a show, since he lives 10 minutes down the road from me, you know?” but then I woke up and I was like, “That makes more sense, since it was all a dream,” and then I got out of bed and looked in the mirror and I had this enormous rash all over my face and I was like, “Better find something to put on my face,” and I found this tube of, like, Shop-Rite brand A&D but instead of saying “ointment” or “cream” or whatever it said “cheese” and I was like, “I mean, I guess so,” but then I really woke up and was like, “That makes more sense, since they were BOTH all a dream,” although this might still be a dream? Who knows.

But, anyway, before you freak out, like, “COP OUT!” or whatever the kids are saying these days, this is the twist: it was all dreamed by…

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OMG, you guys are gonna be so mad. So, you know how Jacob’s like, “I brought you guys to the island because your lives were boring and you were flawed and you didn’t like living in the real world that much anyway? And, like, you have a purpose here, but I’m not stepping in to help you out at all when things go wrong and in fact am going to make things harder on you? Like, when my brother, who’s a smoke monster because I made him a smoke monster, kills you with his smoke? Or when you guys get so annoyed about being on the island that you start killing each other? Or when the ppl I brought to the island in the 70s (?) start killing you? Because I wanted you to prove to me that you were worthy to guard this stupid cave of Thomas Kinkade light that I’m only guarding because my mommy made me guard it and I’m kind of sick of this job and I want to do something else, but I want to make sure that you guys appreciate the job I didn’t want but have been doing kind of half-assedly for the past 14,000 years and whoops, you died again from the monster I created so I guess you didn’t really want the job that you never asked for after all?”

And you know how in Saw, Jigsaw’s like, “I’m dying of cancer and I went out and found a bunch of ppl who aren’t living their lives to the fullest and brought you to this warehouse and want you to fight to get out, because you should appreciate the life that I won’t be able to appreciate eventually? And I’m not gonna help you because that wouldn’t be amusing to me, so I’m going to trap you in horrible contraptions that must have taken a whole lot more time than it’s worth to make and you’re gonna have to, like, cut each other open to find keys to the doors that you can only get to by crawling through ovens and then through freezers and then through poison gas chambers and then through rooms filled with millions of needles and whoops you died from the heat and the cold and the poison gas and the blood so I guess you didn’t want to live after all?”

I told you! I told you it was a crossover! So, the show won’t really end on Sunday because they’re making Saw VII and you’re going to have to go see Saw VII in the theaters, and it’s gonna star all the Lost stars and Jacob’s going to turn out to have been Jigsaw all along and he’s going to make them weave a help message on an enormous loom, and that will be the entire three hours (I know, it’s gonna be three hours! Sucks, right?) of the movie: just watching everyone try to weave. And the ones who just aren’t very good at it will be thrown into the ocean because they didn’t want to be helped enough. Oh, and that whole sideways thing? They’re not even gonna get into it!

I’m so mad at Lost right now.

Guys, this is so obvious. Like, it’s so obvious how Lost is going to end. Like, there’ll be this showdown, right, between Jack and the Smokefather, and everyone will be like, “Oh, no! We’re nervous!” And the Smokefather is like, “Check it, meet me behind the Mystery Island Schoolhouse at 3:30 and we’re going to battle for the island once and for all.” And so everyone shows up and it’s, like, a carnival, and they’re all like, “WTF?” Even Jin! Who’s a ghost or whatever, but he was like, “WTF??” too!

And the Smokefather and Jacob are both there and they have their arms around each other and Jacob’s like, “Guess what, guys! Sike! Psych! SYKE! Me and Smokefather aren’t enemies at all!” So, then, like, everyone has fun at the carnival and doesn’t ask ANY QUESTIONS because you don’t look a gift carnival in the mouth. And then everyone goes off arm in arm all happy, like, Mountain Clair and Kate go off together, and Sawyer and Richard go off together, and Sun and Jin’s ghosts float off together, and Sayid and UCP’s ghosts float off together, and Miles and Hugo go off together, and Jacob and MIB go off together, and Desmond’s up on like a hill surveying everything and looking smug and pushing his sunglasses up on his nose and putting on his suit and smiling and taking a dress out of a bag and giving it to Penis Boat (who’s not dead – LOST SHOCKER!), and Ben doesn’t go off with anybody but he’s mostly fine with that, and then the Smokefather comes up to Jack and he’s like, “Do you want to bury the hatchet and let bygones be bygones and will you go out with me?” and Jack is like, “I wasn’t listening to what you said, but you’re smiling, so I’ll smile, too,” and then this happens:

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Bye, Lost! Bye!

(About that sideways thing: They’re not gonna get into that.)

From an ABC official press release:

“Super fans of both the hit ABC show Lost and the popular painter Thomas Kinkade noticed an interesting connection between two of their favorite pieces of art last Tuesday night. Listservs were abuzz with fans discussing how similar the Mystery Island Soul Hole looked to that of the Painter of Light’s best selling paintings.”

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No, really. Last week’s episode was so boring that I did ask what was up with Kate.

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This is Blogging All of TV for the week of May 9th. I mean, all of tv, like, the stuff that I saw. And all of tv, like, the stuff that I saw that was worth grabbing.

Previously on tv…

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