I’m putting out applications for the man of my dreams. He has to be a really good dancer, and he has to not be embarrassed when I start singing CeCe Peniston’s Finally after our first marginally good date. And then, again, after every time we make love.
I will make the following faces at him…
When some people are having a bad day, they like to watch something that makes them feel better about the world. For my sister and me, that thing is Dawson’s Creek. It’s the worst, and Dawson is the worster, but at least he’s not real. I was planning on writing a little something about each episode (as much as we enjoy going back and reading the recaps on Television Without Pity, honestly, I fast forward every time I see Henry or Tobey or Mitch and Gail together or when Grams went back to school, so I don’t want to read about any of those storylines either), but that would be even more boring to me than watching this on a constant loop (no offense to bratgirl7, I just really hate Henry that much. And props, incidentally, on finding the least appropriate BSB song to express your love of Henry & Jen). There are some episodes I will devote an entire entry to, but as for the first 5 episodes of season 3, here is a mashup.
On the bus home from Philadelphia (where he was staying with his mother), Dawson meets an old lady.
I’m so upset. I just noticed that my post about the first ever episode of the Babysitters Club tv show is gone. Gone! What happened to it??? This is so distressing. I don’t have it saved anywhere, so I don’t know if I’ll be able to recreate it. 
EDIT: I redid it, less well than I did it the first time. But, redid nonetheless.
No, this isn’t about the movie Candy Stripers, which Sally and I just saw at the movie store the other night. (Which, I just realized, stars Playboy Bunnies. Well, that makes sense.)
See, Sally and I got to talking about hospital uniforms tonight (based on the three-second snippet of Scrubs that was on the tv after we turned off the vcr). I used to volunteer at the hospital around the corner from our house, in the day care center. I was 15. It actually was a lot of fun, and it seems like the last thing that I actually would have done and followed through on (I’m lazy, you know), but I enjoyed it. And I really liked the fact that I got to work in the day care center and not in the actual hospital, because I don’t think I could’ve handled dealing with patients. Plus, as a junior volunteer, you don’t really talk to them. You just, like, take their empty trays away when they’re done eating. And if there’s one thing I can’t stand (one thing, right?), it’s other people eating. And worse, what’s left on their plates when they’re done. Gross.
Anyway. So, I worked in the day care center for a while … 5 or 6 months maybe. And I had to wear a candy striper uniform. Because I was a candy striper, you know. But, see, don’t ever let anyone fool you into thinking that candy striper uniforms are flattering. They’re not cute little fitted dresses that you can wear a cute little white shirt under with some cute little sneakers. Oh, no. My candy striper uniform was made out of this thin, nasty polyester which somehow managed to be so stiff that it stuck out about ten inches from my legs. And the pinafore’s buttons started higher than my natural waist, so this gigantor skirt made me look like my hips were about 80″ wide. Plus, I had to wear a regulated white button down blouse. And thank GOD I didn’t work in the hospital, because I wouldn’t have been able to wear sneakers. I would’ve had to find some kind of white-soled uniform shoes. I mean, I was 15. I could not have been more mortified to be seen in public in this thing. The boys’ uniforms were bad, too (these stiff powder-blue collarless jackets), but they got to wear pants. I mean, it wasn’t, like, almost the 21st century or anything. Can’t let anybody know that girls wear pants now, right? So lame.
Anyway, so I was trying to remember the uniforms for the adult volunteers, and I went on the hospital’s website. There’s a picture of a junior volunteer … wearing khaki pants and a POLO SHIRT! What the hell? No way. If you’re volunteering, you should not only be giving of your time, but of your very pride in your appearance. I don’t think they should’ve changed the uniforms. It just makes the experience. It makes the fact that you volunteered THAT MUCH more of a sacrifice.
Oh, speaking of big hips. Sally and I were watching the Full House episode where DJ starts junior high, and it’s this big joke because she’s wearing this outfit that happens to match one that a much-hated lunchroom monitor/teacher is wearing, and then all the kids laugh at her, and she locks herself in a phone booth and calls that number where it tells you what time it is and she pretends she’s talking to a friend the whole time. Which, she’s obviously not, because she makes this big show of going, “Hi! How are you?” and then closes the doors, but then she just stands there with this sour look on her face, obviously not speaking anymore. Everyone was laughing at her! You know they could see her in that booth and they could tell she was totally faking it. DJ is such a loser. Oh, anyway, but her outfit was this beige-y oversized shirt and a patterned vest, and this pair of giant clown pants. They matched the shirt, and they were real cinched at the waist and then EXPLODED out in this 10-yard mess of fabric that was all gathered at the tightly tapered ankles. And big giant white sneakers. It was awesome. But, she didn’t really learn her lesson all that much after she put on a bunch of makeup (which made her look like a “baby hooker”, according to Sal) and this cha-cha dress (which we want to know where it came from anyway) and a pair of cowboy boots and was made to go back upstairs and change by Danny, and then got makeup tips from Rebecca on how to look a little bit more subtle. She ended up going to school the next day in a neon green short and tee shirt set with a big orange jacket over it.
I mean, no wonder she became anorexic that one time. They were always putting her in these HUGE oversized shirts to make her look fatter than she was. She was one of those chubby-but-not-chubby girls, which is pretty common at 12. She had a round face and she was a little thick, but she wasn’t really fat at all. Or even chubby. If they hadn’t used so many flowing fabrics on her, she probably wouldn’t have developed an eating disorder! For that one day! I’m just sayin’.
That episode’s awesome. Especially when you can fast forward through the whole “Joey teaches Jesse golf” scenes.
Don’t judge us for having episodes of Full House on tape.
Because we only have a couple.
It seems like no matter how old you are, at the end of August, you always get that itchy feeling that it’s time to go back to school. At least that’s how I feel. And I don’t mean going to college, I’m talking old school – grammar to middle school. And it doesn’t help when they keep playing these commercials to remind you to stock up on school supplies for your kids. The worst offender by far is K-Mart. Their ads are so annoying. And they play them like 50 gajillion times a day, 2 to 3 times during a commercial break. This gets very tedious, especially when you’re watching your soap (which I admit is rather annoying itself, but we are dedicated) and 90210 episodes. The ads feature these awkward pre-teens whisper-shouting to borrow protractors and pencils in class and sporting the “latest” fashions and backpacks. The one that I really hated was when this strange looking boy with a bowl cut tells a goofy girl with braces that he “likes her jeans.” What?! First of all, her jeans are floods! Second of all, no 12 year old boy is going to tell a brace face “I like your jeans.” This is what K-Mart wants you to believe. But believe me, it’s so not happening. And I should know because I had braces when I was 12. And I wasn’t getting compliments from any boys, awkward or cute. Well, at least I didn’t wear floods. Rant over.
I noticed in Jane’s post about the horrendous fashion don’ts in Lost Boys that she forgot to mention our sighting of Max (head vamp by night/video store owner by…night) in our very own downtown Red Bank. We were sitting on a bench outside Restoration Hardware minding our own business when along comes “Max” and several other middle aged people. I said, “Hey, that guy looks like Edward Hermann from Lost Boys!” And he did, at least from the back. He was wearing an oversized, lightweight jacket with enormous shoulder pads in a light color, possibly oatmeal. The pants I don’t remember, but he was definitely wearing some kind of slip-on shoe without socks. Need I say more? I admit the colors of his ensemble were more muted than when he was in Lost Boys, but it is 2006.
SoapNet had played the entire 10-season run of Beverly Hills 90210 over the past few months and Sal and our Mom and I caught just about every episode (except for five that ran the week we were on vacation). And now they’re starting over from the beginning. And we’re watching them again.
It’s funny how you look at Donna Martin from the beginning and notice how much of a non-character she was. Just doing her trademark giggle when Kelly or Brenda said something funny and mugging for the camera, but mostly just fading into the background. She didn’t become a character until she started going out with David Silver, who’s really nothing more than a baby in the first episodes of the show. His voice is higher-pitched than mine. That’s saying something.
But, then, when the show ended, it was so totally all about Donna. Annoyingly so. Her wedding was the focus of the last three episodes. I mean, we still all got suckered into getting a little teary (mostly because David looked AWFUL during the ceremony – I mean, weeping uncontrollably awful). But, still, when the cameras weren’t plastered on Kelly’s defiant slicked-back-hair bitch face whining to Matt about how much she was over Dylan when she totally wasn’t, I mean, how many times can you possibly keep saying, “I’m over Dylan” with absolutley no provocation until the guy you’re supposed to marry (who turned out to be an undercover dog – the chick he slept with in the desert got him unkowningly high on acid! he could’ve just told Kelly what happened, as weird as it was, it was sort of kind of not his fault) finally says, “I don’t believe you.” Except he said that to her every single time from the beginning, because, duh, she wasn’t over Dylan. And what was Dylan doing not over Kelly anyway? He was MARRIED! Married and widowed in 24 hours and so distraught that he had to fly to England to live with phantom Brenda. But, at his wedding, he told Kelly that he was happy, so he was obviously over her then. When he came back to town, shouldn’t he have not been over his dead wife? But, whatever, the point is that the last couple of months of the show (peppered with annoying appearances by Steve and Janet) revolved around Donna Martin’s disasterous love life and the fact that David Silver was just always around to help her pick up the pieces.
But if you had watched the original episodes of 90210 (as I did, but I was only 8 at the time, so I don’t particularly remember thinking this), you’d probably never believe me if I had come from the future to tell you that that girl – that girl with the long hair who played Screech’s girlfriend on Saved by the Bell – was going to eventually become the main focus of the show. And the star of many an awesome Lifetime movie. Death of a Cheerleader, anyone?
Meanwhile, if anyone’s interested in buying me a gift, any of these would be greatly appreciated. Seriously, check out these bracelets! Amy is awesome!
You know, I thought I had it going on when I created a roll of toilet paper on a holder for my dollhouse several years ago. I mean, this was real toilet paper on a cardboard tube, people! Sorry, I get a little excited about these miniature things. But Jane seriously gave me a run for the money when she made me these mini bags and a neck warmer for Christmas ‘05. They are awesome! And to prove that none are bigger than an inch, take a look at them next to a penny
What did I tell you? And the bags are all lined
and they even have a teeny tiny label that Jane somehow stitched herself!
It’s sick how cute they are! Even the Peep loves them. Paparazzi caught him browsing at a department store recently
Don’t recognize that chick in the beret? Well, it’s none other than Pepe le Peep. Don’t worry, you’ll hear more about him soon. Anyway, I just had to show you these pics. I was blown away by Jane’s talent and patience. Now, how can miniature toilet paper compare to that?
So, occassionally we’ll catch one of those magic shows on tv. You know, like, David Blaine, or one of those other guys. And we’ll be all, “Okay, seriously, how did that guy do that?” (like when they do that one trick where they have the person write something down on a piece of paper and then they burn the paper and rub it on their arm and the ashes are in the form of what the person wrote down, like, wtf???) if they do something cool, or all, “Whatever. That was so lame, I don’t even care how he did it,” when they do something not cool.
But, the funniest part about watching magic shows is to see the way people react. I mean, there’s something so pretentious and snotty about guys like David Blaine and you get really annoyed at his whole “I’m such a downer because I know magic and I’m cursed with having to perform it all the time” attitude, but then you see him, I don’t know, levitate or something, and you can’t help but crack up at the people on the street who watch him do it, get all wide-eyed, and then run away screaming.
Not that I would stop for David Blaine, ’cause he’s annoying, but I always kind of assumed that I wouldn’t be one of those people. That I’d just calmly be all, “Wow, that was neat, whatever,” because I know that it’s not for real and that it’s just a trick, right?
Oh, my God.
I went to a party for my girl Christine’s birthday at this bar, and her friend Gary was there, and he was doing card tricks. Okay, first of all, Gary made everything totally cooler than David “That’s a Major Appliance, That’s Not a Name!” Blaine would anyway, because he was totally sweet and seemed to be having a really good time – not like he was being forced against his will to perform magic tricks for scared tourists.
But, anyway, he did all these tricks for us, and they all FREAKED ME OUT! I mean, I screamed! If I hadn’t been sitting in the middle of a booth, I would’ve run away. Seriously! He would hold up a card and then flick it and it would TURN INTO A DIFFERENT CARD! And I don’t care how he did it or that there was a logical explanation for it, because all I was seeing was Gary managing to change a card into a different card. Or, like, take a card that I put back into the pile of cards (I put it back, I did!) and then make it end up on the other side of the table, UNDERNEATH the empty pack. Crazy, I tell you.
So, I’m officially one of those screaming magic-duped people. I mean, one time this guy in the dining hall did this trick where, in the end, a quarter ended up under my watch while it was on my wrist. And I totally screamed then. But, that was because it was on ME and I didn’t even notice him put it there. Creepy! But, now I know that it wasn’t just because he did something creepy that involved my skin, but because I am fa-reaked out by magic.
So, Gary, wherever you are, you totally scared me. But, it doesn’t mean I wouldn’t make you do another magic trick for me if I ever see you again. Just … you know, cover your ears.
“Having a moustache must be weird. If you get food on it, it must be like licking the top of your head.”
-Mom.
