[From the abc.com myspace page: "Enjoy these picz guyz becuz we know you *heart* Lozt zo much! Did we do that right?"]

So, the Jimmy Kimmel special that aired right after Lost turned out to be really painful to watch. And not painful because the show was over and everyone in the audience was crying (no, really) and all the actors appeared to be kind of uncomfortable and definitely in no way as invested in or interested in or knowledgeable about the show as everyone in the audience and the floor was covered in sand so everyone’s nice shoes were being filled with sand and everyone had to perch on the edge of these boxes. Because Jimmy Kimmel is a really bad television host.

“This guy’s the worst, right? I mean, right?”

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Get used to it.

You won’t be seeing this face again.

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I’ve been messing around with you for a few days, but I actually honestly for real for actual know what’s going to happen on the final episode of Lost tonight. Like, I actually know what’s going to happen, so, like, spoilers ahead kwim?

It turns out that it was all a dream, and the sideways world was like a dream within a dream. Did you ever have those? Like, before I woke up this morning, I was having this dream that I was going to see my brother’s band play a show and I was getting on a plane and I was in the line and I was like, “This is weird that I’m getting on a plane to go see my brother’s band play a show, since he lives 10 minutes down the road from me, you know?” but then I woke up and I was like, “That makes more sense, since it was all a dream,” and then I got out of bed and looked in the mirror and I had this enormous rash all over my face and I was like, “Better find something to put on my face,” and I found this tube of, like, Shop-Rite brand A&D but instead of saying “ointment” or “cream” or whatever it said “cheese” and I was like, “I mean, I guess so,” but then I really woke up and was like, “That makes more sense, since they were BOTH all a dream,” although this might still be a dream? Who knows.

But, anyway, before you freak out, like, “COP OUT!” or whatever the kids are saying these days, this is the twist: it was all dreamed by…

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OMG, you guys are gonna be so mad. So, you know how Jacob’s like, “I brought you guys to the island because your lives were boring and you were flawed and you didn’t like living in the real world that much anyway? And, like, you have a purpose here, but I’m not stepping in to help you out at all when things go wrong and in fact am going to make things harder on you? Like, when my brother, who’s a smoke monster because I made him a smoke monster, kills you with his smoke? Or when you guys get so annoyed about being on the island that you start killing each other? Or when the ppl I brought to the island in the 70s (?) start killing you? Because I wanted you to prove to me that you were worthy to guard this stupid cave of Thomas Kinkade light that I’m only guarding because my mommy made me guard it and I’m kind of sick of this job and I want to do something else, but I want to make sure that you guys appreciate the job I didn’t want but have been doing kind of half-assedly for the past 14,000 years and whoops, you died again from the monster I created so I guess you didn’t really want the job that you never asked for after all?”

And you know how in Saw, Jigsaw’s like, “I’m dying of cancer and I went out and found a bunch of ppl who aren’t living their lives to the fullest and brought you to this warehouse and want you to fight to get out, because you should appreciate the life that I won’t be able to appreciate eventually? And I’m not gonna help you because that wouldn’t be amusing to me, so I’m going to trap you in horrible contraptions that must have taken a whole lot more time than it’s worth to make and you’re gonna have to, like, cut each other open to find keys to the doors that you can only get to by crawling through ovens and then through freezers and then through poison gas chambers and then through rooms filled with millions of needles and whoops you died from the heat and the cold and the poison gas and the blood so I guess you didn’t want to live after all?”

I told you! I told you it was a crossover! So, the show won’t really end on Sunday because they’re making Saw VII and you’re going to have to go see Saw VII in the theaters, and it’s gonna star all the Lost stars and Jacob’s going to turn out to have been Jigsaw all along and he’s going to make them weave a help message on an enormous loom, and that will be the entire three hours (I know, it’s gonna be three hours! Sucks, right?) of the movie: just watching everyone try to weave. And the ones who just aren’t very good at it will be thrown into the ocean because they didn’t want to be helped enough. Oh, and that whole sideways thing? They’re not even gonna get into it!

I’m so mad at Lost right now.

Guys, this is so obvious. Like, it’s so obvious how Lost is going to end. Like, there’ll be this showdown, right, between Jack and the Smokefather, and everyone will be like, “Oh, no! We’re nervous!” And the Smokefather is like, “Check it, meet me behind the Mystery Island Schoolhouse at 3:30 and we’re going to battle for the island once and for all.” And so everyone shows up and it’s, like, a carnival, and they’re all like, “WTF?” Even Jin! Who’s a ghost or whatever, but he was like, “WTF??” too!

And the Smokefather and Jacob are both there and they have their arms around each other and Jacob’s like, “Guess what, guys! Sike! Psych! SYKE! Me and Smokefather aren’t enemies at all!” So, then, like, everyone has fun at the carnival and doesn’t ask ANY QUESTIONS because you don’t look a gift carnival in the mouth. And then everyone goes off arm in arm all happy, like, Mountain Clair and Kate go off together, and Sawyer and Richard go off together, and Sun and Jin’s ghosts float off together, and Sayid and UCP’s ghosts float off together, and Miles and Hugo go off together, and Jacob and MIB go off together, and Desmond’s up on like a hill surveying everything and looking smug and pushing his sunglasses up on his nose and putting on his suit and smiling and taking a dress out of a bag and giving it to Penis Boat (who’s not dead – LOST SHOCKER!), and Ben doesn’t go off with anybody but he’s mostly fine with that, and then the Smokefather comes up to Jack and he’s like, “Do you want to bury the hatchet and let bygones be bygones and will you go out with me?” and Jack is like, “I wasn’t listening to what you said, but you’re smiling, so I’ll smile, too,” and then this happens:

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Bye, Lost! Bye!

(About that sideways thing: They’re not gonna get into that.)

From an ABC official press release:

“Super fans of both the hit ABC show Lost and the popular painter Thomas Kinkade noticed an interesting connection between two of their favorite pieces of art last Tuesday night. Listservs were abuzz with fans discussing how similar the Mystery Island Soul Hole looked to that of the Painter of Light’s best selling paintings.”

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No, really. Last week’s episode was so boring that I did ask what was up with Kate.

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This is Blogging All of TV for the week of May 9th. I mean, all of tv, like, the stuff that I saw. And all of tv, like, the stuff that I saw that was worth grabbing.

Previously on tv…

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Like, what is the point of having an entire old-timey episode without any hot old-timey Ricardo?

Sorry, lady. Spoiler alert.

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This is Blogging All of TV for the weeks of April 25th and May 2nd. I mean, all of tv, like, the stuff that I saw. And all of tv, like, the stuff that I saw that was worth grabbing.

Previously on tv…

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