1.

Cary Elwes can close doors with his mind.

2.

This woman’s head is on backwards.

3.

This carousel is in an attic. An attic. With a pull-down ladder. THIS CAROUSEL IS IN AN ATTIC WITH A PULL-DOWN LADDER.

4.

Cary Elwes’s computer is programmed to get increasingly angry each time he tries to find his files.

5.

This is the ecstatic reaction Cary Elwes’s friends have to the suggestion of “marshmallows and wine” at a party.

6.

These people.

7.

Cary Elwes is really good at punching.

Go watch it, idiots!

Will from Will & Grace owns a company and is very rich. As a young, rich man with no family to speak of living in the mid-1990s, Will wears tuxedos to dinner and employs a staff of uniformed servants and lives in a mansion. Why not?

His assistant, who is probably a date-rapist and thinks women are smooth and pink like peaches and talks about this during squash or whatever rich sport they’re playing, has arranged for Hector Elizondo – a businessman from Mexico who is going to buy part of Will’s company – to stay at Will’s house during negotiations. But, since Hector Elizondo is “old school” and possibly because he’s Mexican which seems to be some sort of weird subtext to this whole thing (?), Will has to pretend he has a family.

No, really, WHAT?

Anyway, the woman and child the assistant hires from an acting agency to play Will’s family don’t understand the concept of acting and refuse to learn anything about him, including his name. But, she is willing to prostitute herself for an added fee.

As is this horribly disturbing child, who wants extra money for Will to spank him each night.

Meanwhile, this creepy, smug little girl is the daughter of one of Will’s factory employees. She’s also functionally retarded and she wanders into Will’s house one night because she thinks it’s her dollhouse. While inside looking for her, her mother (that Irish woman from Touched by an Angel, because this movie’s subtitle is I Love the 90s) ends up agreeing to play Will’s wife for a couple of days. I know I’m making it seem overly simplified, but it’s pretty much a two-minute scene. “Do I know you?” “I work for you.” “Well, now you really work for me!” “Okay, thx.” Bing bang.

Then there’s a montage of how culture-clash-hilarious this pairing is, because Will is a billionaire bachelor and Touched by an Angel is poor and decorates with popcorn because it’s all she can afford.

When Hector Elizondo arrives, he meets Touched by an Angel and is totally fooled about her poorness by her enormous hair.

What is with the hair? Meanwhile, these men were all wearing suits and then, at dinner, they’re in tuxedos. So we’re supposed to believe that they went up to change into TUXEDOS while everyone else just milled around? Man, to be rich in the 90s. Anyway, H-ondo wants to hear about their meet-cute, and these boneheads can’t think of anything to say, so the little girl ends up telling some meandering, completely nonsensical story about angels and blind dates, and Will and TAngel are all, “AY AY AY!” until H-ondo is all, “What a charming story,” but with a look on his face that’s like, “What a fucking brat.”

Everyone’s having fun playing Twister, but Will is a rich boy who never learned how to play games or whatever. Boo hoo.

You know, Twister’s kind of a disgusting game. Like, I’m not even talking about any sexual implications or even the fact that it’s merely embarrassing for all the obvious reasons. It’s just… Why would anyone want to play Twister? It’s the worst.

H-ondo almost got away with a pick during the game, btw.

Meanwhile, H-ondo has been hanging out in the library right outside the master bedroom each night, so TAngel and Will have had to share a room. But, since TAngel is worried about her functionally retarded child wandering in there and finding her in a bed alone and Will on a couch across the room alone and thinking that they are having sex, she’s been making Will sleep on the floor in his enormous closet (boo hoo). This is making him cranky, so when the girl starts spraying his papers with seltzer and cutting up his cigars for fun, he yells at her, which makes TAngel yell at him, which makes him have to go find the little girl and apologize to her for yelling at her for doing something wrong.

Then they all go skating and TAngel dresses up as, like, a bald Victorian woman and Will is like, “Hey, H-ondo, is it hard being near ice because you’re from Mexico?” This movie is such a good movie. The girl, btw, was told by this weird hippie who babysits her that you can tell an angel’s around when “you hear music and there isn’t any”, which makes zero sense. But, anyway, she hears music that isn’t music (?) and looks over at H-ondo, who winks at her, and then she’s convinced he’s an angel.

So he swoops in to tell her to go teach Will to skate so she won’t tell her mom, but the subtext is all very threatening, like, “Hey, little girl, you like skating? You want to live to skate another day? Now, go teach Will to skate and get the fuck out of my sight,” all said in this smooth, even H-ondo voice. He might be an angel, but he’s also kind of a dick. She does teach Will how to skate, though. Her instructions are, “Make your ankles straight, now skate, now watch me skate for a while.” I think I just got inspired to be a teacher again.

H-ondo also uses dick angel magic to make TAngel eat it on the ice.

Back at home, the little girl wants to talk to Will about how she thinks she’s possibly not lovable (to which I say, “Word.”) because her dad is a deadbeat. Then Will tells her a really long, boring story about how his dad wanted to teach him to catch a ball, but Will’s glove was too big so he couldn’t catch anything. A) I doubt a man who thinks tuxedos for dinner is normal had the kind of dad who wanted to play catch, and B) Boo Hoo.

Will stares blankly after their heart-to-heart, as he re-programs himself to forget every emotion he just experienced.

TAngel, meanwhile, overhears that the factory will close when the company is sold to H-ondo, and tells the maid to put arsenic in Will’s coffee.

The maid thinks that’s a real order, because she is Amelia Bedelia.

The next day, TAngel goes to the factory and throws this big holiday party where she makes all of the employees tell Will what a great guy he is for giving them jobs, but they all sound really sarcastic and strange about it. Like, this one woman tells him she’s saved up enough money to go to nursing school at night thanks to this job, but she ends her little speech by going, “So, thanks, Will! Thanks a lot. *eyebrow raise, champagne sip, pivot*” I don’t know what’s happening there, but I think it’s just bad acting, because they do sing “For He’s a Jolly Good Fellow” to him.

Anyway, away from the party, TAngel explains that she just wants Will to see how many people will suffer if he closes down the factory, and Will decides to get all sexy about it.

Christmas comes and H-ondo is still hanging around, which is ridiculous. I know he’s actually supposed to be a (dick) angel and he’s really hanging around to get Will and TAngel together, obvs, but aren’t the humans who aren’t aware that he’s a (dick) angel getting a little tired of this virtual stranger being a guest of theirs over a major holiday? Anyway, the girl got a glove for Will because of his dumb sob story, and he turns into a total basketcase and starts weeping about it.

Then H-ondo is like, “Your assistant gave me a sales contract for Christmas. Are you going to sign it, Will? Well, are you, you fucking asshole?” Why is he so aggressive? Then he makes Will and TAngel kiss under the mistletoe and stares menacingly at the little girl as her face crumples with the realization that her real dad will never come back now. I mean, he seriously stares her down while she starts crying! It’s so weird! He’s such a dick!

Earlier in the week, the deadbeat dad did show up, though, to find Will and try to extort money from him in exchange for keeping the secret of the fake family from H-ondo. So, Will, who saw how sad the girl was, goes and gets the deadbeat dad to bring him to her on Christmas. Which, of course, blows up his spot with H-ondo, and, of course, makes Will say (no lie), “I’ve got some ’splaining to do.” H-ondo acts majorly disappointed. Not disappointed about the sale, but, like, “Your mother and I expected more of you” disappointed and acts like such a baby about the whole thing, even though the fact that he’s an angel means he probably orchestrated all of this!

So, oh yeah. The girl is all excited about seeing her dad, but then he tells her he’s gotta go away again and she freaks out and climbs a tree.

Will tells her to jump down and he’ll catch her and to avoid the enormous trunk and the three offshoots of the trunk and the big branches and also all of the little branches on the way down from 20 feet in the air.

So she does and isn’t traumatized or crying or scared or anything! She just spends a little time analyzing what the fact that Will managed to catch her all Means in the Grand Scheme of Fatherhood. So, with that, Will and TAngel and the girl are now a family and all now live forever and full-time at the mansion, no need for any pesky questions or talks about how this is all going to work.

Then, I guess later that day (?), H-ondo shows up in a limo and pulls up in front of the house and gets out and stands outside of the limo and looks at the girl’s window and winks at her, and then gets back into his car and leaves. I feel like there must have been a scene cut out where H-ondo blows up their house or something. He’s such a dick.

Merry Creepmas.

Previously on tv…

Project Runway

After Andy made something ugly the week before last, he tells Tim that he’s fighting to get in the top because he’s been in the bottom “WAY TOO MANY TIMES”. Tim just nods solemnly, but I would have pointed him to his scorecard, which showed him in the bottom exactly one time before he made this statement. But that’s why I’m not a mentor, because I would always point out when people are being jerks.

In other news, between episodes these last two weeks, Lifetime ran a promo that mish-moshed together storylines from this week’s episode (design your own fabric that tells a personal story) and next week’s episode (someone – probably Gretchen – accuses someone else – probably Michael C. – of cheating), which was completely pointless, considering this week’s episode was dramatic enough!

After designing their fabric, all the designers got a surprise visit from their families.

And apparently, according to this episode’s photos on the Lifetime website, they all got to go to a luau with Tim!

Mondo designed the fabric his pants are made out of and he obviously won because his outfit was completely and totally awesome and because everyone else’s was completely and totally lame. But, then on the runway, he revealed to everyone that the inspiration for the design (which he was previously only telling people was “personal”) was plus signs indicating his HIV positive status, and EVERYONE IN THE ENTIRE WORLD CRIED. It was a really good episode and a really good reveal. Even though he had mentioned it several times throughout the show in interviews, he said that no one in his family knew. When his mother showed up for the surprise visit, he went and sat with her in the park and told her all about how well he had been doing and said later that he didn’t want to tell her then, even though it seemed like a good time, because he didn’t want to ruin her nice day. And I’d suspect he also didn’t want to reveal a huge and life-changing secret to her while she was in front of cameras. When he told everyone on the runway, it also didn’t seem manipulative, like he was hoping to win the challenge through sympathy (it wouldn’t have mattered; his design was far and away the best in the judge’s eyes, based on the comments they were giving him). When Nina said she wished she knew the story, she didn’t push any further, and it seemed like he was only prompted to tell his secret after the guest judge said she thought the design was so perfect and even looking that she thought his explanation that the design reflected what he had lived through in his past seemed insincere, like nobody’s life could be so perfect and even. I mean, her comment seemed kind of dumb considering patterns are often laid out in grid form, but maybe she thought his comment about his pattern reflecting his personal life when the challenge was to make a pattern reflecting your personal life was a cop-out and wanted to tell him that in so many words. Either way, the secret was revealed in a way that was emotional, but not gross, so good for Mondo and, surprisingly, good for Lifetime? But maybe just good for Mondo. Maybe if he only gave them gold to work with, they didn’t have an opportunity this time to make it shit.

Gretchen (EVEN GRETCHEN) made me cry, too, when she said that her mother was poor, with a sick husband to care for, and most likely wouldn’t be coming to see her and she was wondering what loved one they would send for the family visit. She even kept her back to the door, probably hoping to not show disappointment when her mother didn’t show up. But, then, of course, her mother did show up and Gretchen broke down like a real girl. But then her sob story was outweighed by Mondo’s and she loudly proclaimed to the room, “I am just so glad that I was there to witness that,”  regarding Mondo’s speech at judging. Good for you, Gretchen.

Gossip Girl

Last week in Paris, Chuck had a cane, due to the injury to his spine when he was shot at the beginning of the summer.

This week in New York, Chuck is miraculously healed.

Meanwhile, no girl fight will ever be complete again until one girl is picked up romance-novel-style by the other.

Community

Troy and Abed were trying to find an e-mail on their friend’s enemy’s computer. When the janitor found them, Annie tried to help by chloroforming him. Which made Troy freak out. Community is a great show.

Bored to Death

So is Bored to Death. Just trust me.

America’s Next Top Model

Last week on ANTM, Tyra still refused to give up on erasing people’s eyebrows from their faces as a lackluster “makeover” attempt.

Also, she told a contestant with a gap in her teeth that she was going to have the gap SHAVED DOWN MORE at the dentist.

I didn’t mix those pictures up by the way.

When Jay flamboyantly flapped his (upside-down?) wings at the girls and said, “What do I look like??”, none of them took the bait.

And Tyra acted like a bigger lunatic than normal at panel.

This week… Oh, no. No. Miss Jay? No.

This week, the girls went to Knott’s Berry Farm and were supposed to ride a roller coaster while posing.

It didn’t go so well. Btw, that coaster is the Silver Bullet, which all the girls were freaking the eff out about, like, “This is the scariest roller coaster they could possibly choose ever ever in a million years ever!!!!!” Talk to me after you check out your photo from the Xcelerator. You have no face on your photo on the Xcelerator. You also have no boobs, but that’s a discussion for another day.

Does anyone else get a Sarah Palin vibe from Kayce? Because Sal pointed that out last week, and the fact that she refuses to stop wearing that weird sleeveless turtleneck attached-brooch top that looks like it was stolen from a hip middle-aged politician’s wardrobe is really making it hard to hear anything but, “You betcha!” when she starts speaking.

For the photo shoot, Chelsea was given drag queen makeup.

Tyra didn’t like it. So, her advice was to not ever wear makeup like that. And when it’s put on her at a photo shoot, to learn how to work through it. But to know that no matter what she does, that kind of makeup will always make her look like ass. But never to complain to the makeup artists that the pictures will turn out badly if they use that makeup. But to never ever wear makeup like that.

After Rihanna was kicked off, Tyra watched her hug the other girls goodbye and said, “Look at how much you’re loved,” with a tone like, “Don’t be annoyed that you’ve been booted off this show, because people love you, but never forget that I’m the reason that you met them in the first place and I am, therefore, responsible for all the love you’re feeling right now. Okay?”

Earlier in the episode, the challenge winner and two friends got to go to a photo shoot with Tyra, where Tyra was dressed like she was stopping for a Big Gulp on her way to the Gap to pick up Vickie so they could catch Hey That’s My Bike at the coffee house. They had a tea party together. Here’s how it went.

Tyra poured them all tea, which was actually just hot water (Sally says probably not even hot) over tea bags, which means everyone had to wait five minutes for their tea to steep, but they all pretended to drink their tea as soon as it was poured because Tyra probably stared at them angrily until they did.

Then Tyra said, “Let’s pour a little out for the homies,” and dribbled out the drop of water that was in her tea cup onto the table.

When the other girls laughed at her joke, she got very serious and explained…

Then Tyra proceeded to stuff her face and get the girls to say in interviews how real and un-model-like Tyra is because she couldn’t get enough of the carrot cake.

Kiss her fat ass! But also worship her weight loss (FOR HEALTH REASONS)! But also appreciate her healthy portion-control methods! But also marvel at her ability to maintain weight while eating all of the carrot cake she wants! Not that you can! But that’s okay. Kiss YOUR fat ass! And then kiss Tyra’s fat ass again! It doesn’t matter that it’s not fat, because SHE’S GOT CELLULITE SHE’S REAL!

She’s so real that she’ll stuff carrot cake in her mouth while she’s talking about Serious Modeling Business.

She’s so real that she’ll drink pretend tea out of her empty teacup that we all know is empty because we saw her pouring out the water that was in it. (And also because it’s obviously empty.)

Ghost Hunters

These guys are old and will, therefore, find any excuse they can to sit or lay down during their investigations. “Are you going to go check out the basement and crawl space? Okay, we’ll be here in the bedroom.”

The 19th Wife

This Lifetime movie was about a woman on trial for the murder of her husband, a man in an FLDS cult with over 20 wives. A friend of hers contacts her grown son, who was kicked out of the cult when he was a child because he was getting too friendly with another little girl there. I don’t know where he went, because that wasn’t really explained, or why the authorities never found his parents and put them in jail for abandoning their 12-year-old son on the side of a highway. But, anyway, after visiting that old friend of his at the cult, getting punched in the face by a cop and getting thrown down a set of stairs by the prophet, he goes to visit his mother.

Looking like this.

And his mother’s just like, “Hey! How are ya?”

Also, the prophet threatens a young girl (the main character’s stepsister) with marriage to an older man, telling her, if she doesn’t comply, he’ll kill her mother, and one day, when she least expects it, he’ll show up to her house with her mother’s head in a bag.

Later, he tells the main character that he better leave, or he’ll kill his friend, and one day, when he least expects it, he’ll show up to his house with the friend’s head in a bag. Get a new threat, prophet!

Meanwhile, the guy’s stepsister escaped the cult and he finds her working at a coffee house. But she had apparently only escaped the cult two months before? And she’s 14? With no access to any non-cult-member adults she knows? How did she get this job, and how does she have those clothes, and how does she know how to make cappuccino?

All My Children

This girl plays Colby Chandler, and she delivers all of her lines like this:

In other news, these two (ADULT POLICE OFFICERS) are on their first date: a picnic in the park. Krystal, a friend of the girl’s mother, sees them and is all, “WOW ROMANCE IS ALIVE AND WELL!” Then she squats down next to them and says, “Your mom told me that you two were interested in each other!” Then she smiles a lot. And then she’s like, “So, how’s the date going?” And then they’re like, “Can you not tell anyone about this?” (Something about being cops and blah blah blah.) And then she’s like, “Okay, well, enjoy! Enjoy your date! Have fun!” Embarrassing.

And this guy looks like The Grinch.

Jersey Shore

For some reason, Angelina makes up lies about everything. Like, she tells her bf she doesn’t want to sleep with anyone, when she slept with one of her roommates. Then she tells her roommates that she did sleep with her bf, when she really didn’t. Then she says the house is gross and picks up a sponge to do the dishes, but then doesn’t go through with it when she hears the phone ring, and tells the guy who DID just clean up the house that she was the one who cleaned it. She’s just a weirdo.

Sam and Ronnie go to dinner with Angelina and her bf, where Ronnie reveals to Sammie that Angelina is not only stringing her bf along, but telling him not to mess around with anyone else because it will hurt her. So, Sammie, as usual, makes this revelation all about herself and decides that Angelina’s private business concerning her bf means that she’s stringing along Sammie, too. I mean, fair enough maybe, since Angelina, as established, is a weirdo compulsive liar. But, Sam’s conclusion drawing is nauseating, since she’s confiding in the person who DID CHEAT ON HER MULTIPLE TIMES WITH MULTIPLE WOMEN that she’s concerned that Angelina might not be on the up and up.

Then later, she and Ronnie congratulate themselves for a job well done at not fighting with each other. Barf.

Angelina meets this creeper at the beach. She brings him back to her place, where Mike has placed a used pad of hers he found on the bathroom floor on her bed. Throughout all of the rigmarole of which one of them is a bigger disgusting slob (Angelina for leaving the pad on the floor in the first place, or Mike for putting it on her bed instead of in a garbage bag like a rational person), this guy has a disturbing shit-eating grin on his face. My face would be like this: “GET ME OUT OF HERE WHAT WAS I THINKING HOLY CRAP I’M GETTING SO MANY STDS JUST LOOKING AT THESE PEOPLE”. His face is like this: “Hijinks! Menstrual hijinks!”

Mike sees Angelina with this guy from the beach and decides to tell her what a dirty slut she is because this is the third guy she will have had sex with in as many days (including her roommate and her bf, even though sleeping with her bf wasn’t true), even though Angelina doesn’t even seem interested in having sex with this guy, and she’s more concerned with why Mike went to the trouble of putting her used pad on her bed. I’m more concerned with why Mike keeps calling a pad a tampon. All of the other roommates infuriatingly agree with Mike: Angelina is the dirtiest dirty whore for recently (and allegedly) sleeping with three guys in three days, while Sam and Ronnie (who are spreading untold diseases by continuing to sleep together after the dozens of hookups he had have not culminated in an STD screening), Vinnie (who is the roommate Angelina slept with, who had also hooked up with Snookie days earlier), Snookie (who hooked up with Vinnie and then, days later, slept with a guy she had just met at a bar), Jennie (who picked her bf’s nose as a means of ending a fight, and then had sex with him while Snookie was a mere two feet away), Pauly (who made a 6:30am booty call and then had sex with the girl WHILE MIKE WATCHED AND ATE A SANDWICH),

and Mike (whose plans to have sex in the bathroom at a club with a girl he had met minutes earlier were foiled when the bouncer knocked on the door and told them to leave) are the epitome of class.

Dexter

Dexter is back! I want to have a Dexter Halloween party with plastic sheeting and a splatter analysis lab where you can take home the big giant splatter paintings you make and a bathtub filled with blood (sorry, Rita, too soon?) and these candies that look like Dexter’s blood slides and 8×10s of all of the people Dexter’s killed on the walls, and if you’ve seen Dexter you’ll totally appreciate all the details at my Dexter Halloween party, and if you haven’t, you can go watch Dexter on the tv so you can start appreciating all of the details at my Dexter Halloween party.

Sadly, I am not having a Dexter Halloween party, because no one would come.

And finally, Glee

No. I’m not talking about Glee again till it stops putting me to sleep.

Puck gets it.

Previously on tv…

Jersey Shore

This is what Pauly D looks like before his hair is shellacked into place.

And this is how The Situation bathes himself before a 6:30AM (6:30AM!) booty call.

Meanwhile, Vinny and Angelina hate each other. It probably has something to do with the fact that Vinny is immature (he wants to meet a nice girl he could treat as well as he treats his mother; his favorite thing about his mother coming to visit him this week was the fact that she puts everyone’s comfort ahead of her own and is willing to fly to Miami to visit her son and spend the entire day cooking dinner for him and his roommates while he sits in another room and ignores her) and nicknamed Angelina the Staten Island Dump, and the fact that Angelina is a liar (and a bad liar, at that!) who is always trying to start trouble and said that Vinny was disgusting and ugly. So, of course, they slept together. Unfortunately, Angelina’s been letting some dopey guy take her out to dinner and buy her gifts (even though she says he’s not her boyfriend, he obviously thinks he is), and she eventually tells him that she hooked up with Vinny. To her advantage, her dopey not-really-boyfriend thinks she just means “made out” and she doesn’t correct him. But, in an effort to show Angelina just how much contempt he still has for her, Vinny finds out that she’s telling her not-really-boyfriend the truth and he comes over to gleefully gloat-dance. Which would have been such a burn on Angelina…

…if Vinny wasn’t such a hideous dancer.

True Blood

The season finale was this week.

It was filled with vampire dramz.

Gossip Girl

When you are mugged and shot in the not-empty streets of Prague, you are not taken to a hospital.

You are dragged upstairs to the apartment of a scared looking young woman who pours liquor on your wounds, gives you a cane, and then becomes your girlfriend. One flight to Prague, please!

The Boy She Met Online

This Lifetime movie was about an almost-18-year-old girl who went on, like, OkCupid, met some guy who said he was in college, fell in love with him, and then found out that he was actually an ex-con. But, like, even though there was a ton of danger music and danger faces from her mother, the guy turns out to be pretty much not awful? Even though he violates his parole by helping a friend and has to go back to jail. And even though I was fast-forwarding through the last hour of the movie because everyone talked really slowly, I’m pretty sure he and the girl were still bf/gf?

More importantly, though, her mother did a google search for “my teenage daughter is out of control.” Which lead her to myteenagedaughterisoutofcontrol.com. Internets!

America’s Next Top Model

The girls are going to be in LA this season, and they all meet up on the boardwalk on the way to their house.

They run into this guy, who rollerskates over and starts singing a song about being a model and wanting to be on top, and, like, the words are practically, “I have been sent here by Tyra Banks to sing a song about the fact that you are all contestants on America’s Next Top Model and give you the keys to your house so stop making me feel like an asshole by staring at me like I’m a predatorrrrrrrrr!”

It still manages to completely confuse and frighten all of the contestants.

Even this girl, whose chip on her shoulder supposedly comes from being a New Yorker and not being affected by the same things all of the other bumpkins they got to compete against her are affected by. She got the boot first. It wasn’t because of her heinous attitude, though. They kicked her off because of her emaciated body. It sort of sucks for her that, in addition to being a less-good-looking version of Lady Gaga, this girl will only be remembered for probably having an eating disorder. And, whether she has an eating disorder or not is sort of here nor there, since her body hasn’t changed since the auditions and Tyra chose to put her on the show knowing exactly what that body looked like, knowing that the president of the CFDA (which just recently made a big deal about their new “healthy is beautiful” initiative for models) would be guest judging, and basically knowing that she’d be able to get a quick psa in before sending the first girl home.

At least she stopped wearing jumpsuits, though! She’s moved out of the 80s and has finally made her way up to 1993.

If I made a mask of DVF’s face from this shot and wore it for Halloween, do you think non-fashion people would just think I was going as a witch? Just wondering.

Masterchef

With seven minutes left before all the meals had to be presented to the judges, this happened.

Whoops! And she still won!

The O’Reilly Factor

It’s been all over the internet this week that Sarah Palin “couldn’t remember the name” of a Tea Party candidate she had endorsed when Bill O’Reilly asked her. Except, there are two problems with that headline. First of all, this candidate he was asking about supposedly wasn’t specifically endorsed by her. (Sidebar: SINCE WHEN DOES SARAH PALIN’S ENDORSEMENT MEAN ANYTHING BTW?? Barf.) And second, she didn’t just not remember the name. She didn’t respond. She didn’t shrug, she didn’t shake her head, she didn’t flinch. Bill O’Reilly was like, “What’s that guy’s name? Sarah? Remind me? I can’t remember his name? Ms. Palin, could you remind me of that guy’s name? Could somebody? Anybody? Okay, never mind,” and the WHOLE TIME, she just kept staring at him.

This is the big twist at the end of M. Night Shaymalan’s new movie Devil. After the people have been in the elevator for an hour, it’s just 35 solid minutes of Sarah Palin slowly blinking at you as suspensful music plays. And then the screen goes dark. And still, it’s better than The Happening.

Project Runway

In addition to being a hag, a know-it-all, and, as it turns out, NOT a top contender (five solid weeks out of the top 3), Gretchen is also one of those people who sets up a joke, lets someone else finish it with a punchline, and then repeats the punchline in a really loud voice so it still sounds like it was her joke.

Also, her outfit this week wasn’t in the bottom three, but I think it had more to do with the fact that the outfits in the bottom three were worse, and not that hers was better, kwim?

Also, Heidi was unimpressed with Ivy’s boob hole.

And Tim Gunn helpfully illustrated the word vulgarity.

And finally, the new Charmin ad

I have hated these stupid Charmin bears since the campaign started, because bears using toilet paper is idiotic. Plus, “Enjoy the Go” has to be one of the worst tag lines ever! Going to the bathroom is neutral. It’s not something to enjoy or not enjoy. But, now they’ve taken the bears out of the woods and put them into a home, so not only are they using toilet paper, but they’re also using toilets!

This is the worst ad yet. Someone at the Charmin ad agency is seriously effing with us.

This bear is singing a slow jam.

While his wife looks on amorously.

And it turns out that he’s seductively pooping. Oy.

This week: The Purifiers starring Dominic Monaghan.

So, it’s, like… Future Scotland? And for some reason Future Scotland is ruled by gangs of people who do karate? Everyone in Future Scotland knows karate, because that’s going to be the wave of the Future, I guess, and I think that… Is there no government or police force in Future Scotland? I don’t know if the gangs are good or bad. Like, I know that the one gang, The Purifiers, is supposed to be good, but I don’t know about the others. There are these zones that they’re responsible for and they don’t stray into each other’s zones, so it seems like they are all rivals. But I know that the gangs train with each other in karate, so I guess they must be friendly, at the very least.

Um, ew.

Anyway, so the karate gangs are The Pumas, who are all ladies in pleather (which I thought would have been gone in the Future, but I was wrong) and ride around on motorcycles.

Pleather, btw, makes your fights sound really really stupid.

The Eels, who are a new gang, but they didn’t explain the process of getting into the gangs. Like, if they had forms to fill out or if they could just form a gang and people would instantly accept them. Also, is six gang members per gang really enough? Enough to patrol the streets of Scotland? Or … terrorize the streets of Scotland? I still don’t know the point of the gangs. They get around on skateboards and roller skates. Skates, not blades.

The Angels definitely put the most money into their gang, so they must be protecting whatever is the ritziest Future Scotland zone. Also, they travel in a truck that has a Marshall stack strapped to the top, but they don’t appear to listen to any music out of it.

And The Wolves travel in this strange branded car that seems too small for all six of them.

Then, of course, there are The Purifiers, run by this guy named John who’s, like, an idealist and a pacifist who also likes killing people with his karate feet. They have a really cool hangout where they play air hockey, but also read if they feel like it, and also have other non-gang members around, but they never talk to them. Another thing I’m not too sure about is what they wear on their feet, because a lot of times it seems like they’re wearing some kind of slip-on sneakers, but then other times they’re definitely wearing, like, thin black dress socks.

So, after a long night of making one of the Purifiers pretend to get raped so the rest of the Purifiers could karate kick the rapist and then tape a dv tape to his mouth (I don’t know!), they come back to their hangout to find a letter from Moses, who is the Future Scotland King. But, not the King King, like, the King of the Future Scotland Gangs, I think, and he wants all of the karate gangs to meet at his house to find out if they’ll stand behind him in his bid for, like, city councilman. Which… Um. Even in Future Scotland, the Karate Gangs King still has to work within the system to make a real change?

He’s obviously not a nice guy. He also speaks with the same un-punctuation of a commenter on Yelp:

i am moses these r my freinds and business associates, this is our home which we luv and protect we luv this place you seeyou see how we feel about this place we luv this space we luvv this city this is r city the same as you we feel the same way you feel !! the pumas proud ROTFL in the face of any man who thinks he might be bigger or better the new boys the eels…….we welcome you valuable friends the angels bring there intelligence N strength worthy foes worthy friends my neighbors the wolves !!!!! u c it is possible we can be in the same place at the same time here is the proof and finally john LOL john and his purifiers still there john looking after your team still their fighting the bad guys brilliant brilliant and beautiful look at us look around u success hope vision belief we are different we never gave up we never accepted the SH!% that was on offer no we said no no no no we are the future we r the truth the only truth that matters to us we believe what do we believe in we believe in the possibilite this is our business we’re beautiful we’re beautiful and it’s time we took what was rightly ours LMAO

Dominic Monaghan, one of the Purifiers, is like, “We should totally vote for him,” but John is like, “I’d rather take his second offer, which is to run away and try not to get killed by the other karate gangs.”

So, they leave before the karate gang parade and inexplicably split 4 and 2, so John and the three chicks go one way (towards the train station) and DM and the other guy (Raz) run the other way (away from the train station) and their orders are to meet at the train station. So, of course they get to the train station and DM and Raz aren’t there and everyone’s like, “How could they not be here? We told them to run twice as many miles as we had to run. Also, how come all of the other karate gangs have cars and bikes and roller skates and our mode of transportation is ‘the train’? I mean, how lame is this?” So, John decides that it’s probably best to leave his two gang members out in the streets filled with angry(?) rival(?) karate gang members who want to kill them(?) for not wanting to vote 4 Moses for the City Council(?). I’m still not entirely clear on the plot of this movie.

One of the girls, Li, decides that leaving their other friends is kind of a dick move so she stays to go find them, but the other two girls sort of get stuck on the train as the doors are closing with John. So, they get mad at him.

Which makes John remember the day he met Raz. He was hanging out under a bridge like a troll and he noticed two people trying to steal Raz’s skateboard, and then Raz karate kicked them, and then John ran over but got there just as the would-be thieves were running away, and then he acted like he helped. I think John might be a little in love with Raz? I’m not sure about this. But, Moses seems like he might be a little in love with John, and John is really only having misty watercolored memories about Raz. Am I making up the gay subplot? So, after getting a call from DM that Raz was kidnapped by a karate gang and taken back to Moses’s house, he decides to get off the train and go back for the rest of the Purifiers.

Except DM’s phone call was a fakeout, because he’s actually working for Moses. Snore.

Anyway, on the way back, John and those other two girls run into the Pumas, who try to kill them. But, then one of the Purifiers sticks a cigarette into the Puma leader’s gas tank and a bunch of the Pumas blow up.

And this Puma thinks it’s radical.

They also run into the Angels, and know that they’ve run into the Angels when they spy this woman’s horribly done nails. The Angels grab John and put him in their car. Halfway to Moses’s, the leader has to pee, so he gets out of the car.

Where he proceeds to have the loudest pee ever, because he does not hear John kill the other three Angels sitting in the car three feet behind him.

Meanwhile, Li, still trying to find DM and Raz, was found by the Wolves, who follow her into a Chinese restaurant. And, I don’t know if it’s because this guy knows Li is a Purifier and he likes Purifiers, or if he knows the other guys are Wolves and he doesn’t like Wolves, or if he’s doing it because Li is Asian, but he starts taunting the Wolves until they start a fight with him so Li can slip out the back door of the restaurant.

PS, this is your new ringtone.

Li runs into DM, and she realizes that he’s a double-crosser, so she tries to karate kill him, but he karate fights back and slams her into a big glass covered poster for Moses’s City Council Campaign, and then he starts kissing her, and she seems kind of fine with it, until she realizes that she’s been stabbed in the back by a piece of glass, and that’s when DM decides that kissing dead girls isn’t fun and runs away.

I bet the fact that she was stabbed in the BACK by the glass was symbolism, but I don’t know what it symbolizes.

John, meanwhile, has gotten into Moses’s and the Eels tell him that they killed Raz as soon as they found him. I mean, anticlimactic. To the max. So, John kills them.

And then he gets in a glow stick fight, but since it was all done in the dark, I have no idea who he was fighting with.

When he finally gets to Moses, he discovers that, not only was DM working with Moses to bring down John and become the next King of the Karate Gangs, but Frances (that’s one of the other Purifiers) is a cop. A cop! A cop? Are there cops in Future Scotland? I thought the Karate Gangs did all the cop work. I don’t even know why she’s a cop or what she’s doing pretending to be in a karate gang or what she’s gaining from this or why she seems to have been in a karate gang for a really long time if it’s just some kind of undercover thing. Oh, and Moses leaves a comment on your latest YouTube video:

how far did you take it frances in the line of duty howfar did you play the game LOLso come and join the party say hello to your friend you 2 have a lot in common both betrayed the very person who gave you his most prized possession isn’t that right john ?? that thing you value above everything else that very thing that brought u back here trust……….isn’t that right john can you change or does the world have to change to you it may seem that i’m being unreasonable but i’m the one looking to the future and ur the one stuck in the past your world is in freefall it’s over don’t you see what you have done for me

They karate fight and John wins.

Gross. Moses lets Frances go because John asks him to, and then John tells Frances that they have to walk away from each other, even though I guess they don’t want to, but when you’re in a karate gang and she’s an undercover cop pretending to be in your karate gang, you can’t be whatever whatever? Snore.

DM thinks that Moses is going to kill John, so he leaves, even though I thought he was working with Moses to defeat John and I figured that would be something he’d want to be around for. But, anyway, he runs into one of the other Purifiers who tells him to get in the car and then surprises him with Li, who didn’t really die (and seems to be pretty with it for someone who had an “I’ve been stabbed and am now dying” dead face twenty minutes ago), and then they both kill him.

Silly Penis Boat. Still thinking he can drive after he’s dead.

And then John goes off presumably to some other Future Part of the Future World to teach karate.

No, really. That’s how it ends.

Next week, Emilie de Ravilin in the movie Remember Me.

This week: The Linda McCartney Story, starring Elizabeth Mitchell.

So, it turns out that I have no interest in the story of Linda McCartney. She seems like she was a perfectly nice person, and I have nothing against her, but her story – at least the one being told in this movie – is a little boring. I mean, the most exciting thing that happened was when that man with the giant afro kept shuffling behind Paul so that it looked like Paul had a giant afro wig on.

So, in case you’re curious, she was a photographer at a small magazine who convinced her editor to let her photograph the Rolling Stones, and then she became basically a groupie and slept with/took photographs of lots of musicians. Then she went to London to take pictures of the Beatles for a book project, met Paul who contacted her a year later and told her to drop everything and meet him in LA so that they could have sex (after meeting her once and letting a year go by?), and then they got married, had kids, started a new band together after the Beatles broke up, became vegans or something, moved to a farm or whatever, she got cancer, and then she died.

“Our band is the worst!”

So, anyway, rather than going through the whole plot of the movie in detail, I thought I’d just point out how poorly casted this movie was. I mean, it’s made for tv, so it’s clearly way low budget. And I’m perfectly aware that it’s kind of impossible to find people that look/sound enough like the real people, so you kind of have to cast for someone who’s at least got the “feel” of the person? Which is why I think they should not make biopics. But, if they’re gonna keep making biopics (which I used to think was pronounced “bi-OP-ics” and when I figured out that you pronounced the “bio” part like “bio” like “biography” and “pics” was like “pics” like “pictures” like “moving pictures” like “movies”, it blew my mind. This happened about a year ago.), I get to keep making fun of the casting. So, from most to least, this is how closely the actors resembled the people they were supposed to be portraying.

1. Paul McCartney

I mean, this one wasn’t too bad, I guess. He looks more like Paul McCartney than the guy who played him in the other awful made for tv Beatles movie, Two of Us.

2. Diane Keaton

And pretty much anyone with a hat and round glasses can look like Diane Keaton from far away. It’s all downhill from here.

3. George Harrison

I know. But, 3-6 is pretty much a toss-up in terms of the order.

4. Elton John

I mean, I think that’s supposed to be Elton John?

5. John Lennon & Yoko Ono

“That’s who we’re playing? Really?”

6. John Lennon

So, this scene was supposed to be taking place around 1970, I guess, because it was just around the point where the Beatles broke up. So, John was around 30? Why does this guy look so old?

Incidentally, there was actually a better scene than the part with the afro shuffler. So, the Beatles broke up and then Paul sued John or something? I don’t know, something about the record company they both owned? It doesn’t matter. The point is, they had completely fallen out with each other, and John showed up at Paul’s house in this ridiculous, like, “it’s my wedding day and I want a fancy old-fashioned looking car” limo.

When he got out, he attempted to hop over the fence like a cool dude, and then his boot got stuck or something, so he just kind of slid over.

Then he crept around the driveway looking for a rock.

And then he… basically serenaded Paul with a power ballad.

7. Ringo Starr

“Can you? Can you tell it’s a wig? Can you tell my nose isn’t big enough? Can you?”

8. Chrissie Hynde

The best part about this scene was how Chrissie Hynde had to say, “I’m Chrissie Hynde, you can’t hide things from me.”

Because if she hadn’t, I definitely would’ve thought she was supposed to be the girl who played Blaire on the Facts of Life.

9. Jim Morrison

This guy’s wig made me LOL.

10. Mick Jagger

But nothing made me LOL more than this guy playing Mick Jagger.

Wait.

Actually, this did.

Next week: Jeff Fahey in the Stephen King movie Lawnmower Man.

This week: Animals, starring Naveen Andrews.

Sayid is an animal man or whatever. Like, an angry man who’s also an animal? Located in Reno? He uses the word “cunting” as an adjective.

And his gf seems really confused by cigarettes.

Anyway, Sayid wants his gf Nora to put on her cunting wig and go find some Reno bozos to lure into a parking garage so he can eat them.

I wasn’t aware that guys out for a good time in Reno that involves stealing a limo and filming a possible prostitute went for the preppy sweater tied over the shoulders look.

It doesn’t go too well. I mean, actually, it goes fine, but Sayid only got to eat one bozo and not two because Nora let one of them get away. Her heart’s not into being an animal woman or something and Sayid is like, “I love you, animal wolf people who aren’t really technically werewolves mate for life,” and she’s like, “This cigarette is burning on one end,” and Sayid’s like, “Let me take another swig from the 3 gallon bottle of whiskey I have in the car with me, so you can tell I’m definitely irredeemable,” and Nora’s like, “I”m going to run away.”

She winds up in a bar and dances sexily to a country song with Marc Blucas, who takes her home so she can have bitey sex with him.

And then she’s like, “Can I move in with you?” and he’s like, “Yeah, okay.” No, really. That’s actually what happens. Btw, this was supposed to be an erotic thriller, right? So I was prepared for there to be awful softcore erotic thriller sex scenes. But they turned out to be really weird, like, people laying on top of each other and not moving. Like, the way my Barbies used to have sex? Except they’d lay on top of each other for a moment and then get under the covers side by side, because that’s what the people on All My Children did.

I mean, this was the most movement that occurred. And she was turning into an animal person at the time. There were plenty of thrusting sounds, which weren’t pleasant. But, no actual thrusting movements. Which is weird. Pleasantly weird.

Anyway, the next night, Nora goes out and kills some guy and cooks up his foot or something for breakfast.

Which Blucas thinks is delicious, because she bit him so he’s becoming an animal human, too? Then they have an enormous fight and she’s like, “You don’t appreciate all the human feet I’ve cooked for you in the last six hours of our relationship!” and then he drives her in the rain to this alleyway and he’s like, “I’m going to have improbable dirty alleyway sex with you out in the rain,” and she’s like, “Fine. Make lots of noise, but PLEASE DON’T MOVE!”

These two!

Meanwhile, Sayid has been hunting Nora down and he ends up at a convenience store where he kills the clerk, who definitely got the job because the script called for “Ana Faris, but only if she’ll work for free”. I don’t really know why, though, because he showed her a picture of Nora and she’s like, “Yeah, I’ve seen her,” and he’s like, “Where did she go?” and she’s like, “How would I know?” and then he kills her for ignoring him to go back to her phone call. But, like, how would she know? The information you get from convenience store clerks when you show them a photo of a person you’re hunting usually begins and ends with, “Yeah, I seen her.” Bing bang. Maybe he was hungry.

At the bar, Blucas starts to transform into an animal man, and then stares up at the light for a while.

And the only reason I can think of that he would do that is because the director thought it looked like a face. He now has animal vision!

Which looks like regular vision with cataracts. Not convenient. Sayid shows up and takes Nora away, but then he comes back and kills Blucas’s friend/bar owner.

Blucas’s new animal powers help him to stumble to the car to try to save his friend.

But, then Sayid blows the car up. Someone should smack Sayid on the nose, amiright?

The next day or whatever, Blucas’s other friend Jane (boo! stop stealing my name for your dumb movie!) comes over to grieve their friend and Blucas is like, “You couldn’t possibly understand what I’m going through,” and then Jane’s like, “I do understand,” but you have to picture her saying it like a robot, because Eva Amurri has a completely monotone voice. Anyway, Blucas is like, “You weren’t there,” and Jane’s like, “I know you’re healing quickly robot voice,” and Blucas is like, “Let’s go open our dead friend’s bar and tend bar.”

Now they are a couple, and they go to her cabin and have slow, acoustic-guitar backed non-moving sex. And they also have this weird narration-conversation where Jane is like, “I’m also an animal lady and the other animal lady and animal gentleman are bad but I’m good or whatever, but this is a narration conversation so you’re only gonna half remember it,” and then Blucas is like, “Did you hear something?”

Meanwhile, Sayid takes Nora back to his place and rapes her and then locks her in a cage in the floor and then goes out creeping? But Nora somehow gets out of the floor cage and kills the girl that Sayid was into.

Sayid finds her dead in the bathroom.

And then Nora throws him out of the window and onto a spiked fence. Whoops!

She goes and finds Blucas and Jane, who are taking a post-non-moving-sex drive.

And then she turns into an animal girl.

And then they put her in blackface, or…? Anyway, she and Jane, who also turns into an animal person, fight each other and Jane kills Nora.

Blucas takes Jane to the hospital, and she’s like, “You have to get me blood from someone of my own kind,” and I’m like, “Why don’t you turn around and get blood from Nora?” and Blucas is like, “Who put soap all over these windows?”

So, I guess, like, animal persons can be killed because Nora was killed, but somehow Sayid is still alive? Anyway, he finds Nora and he’s all, like, Sayid about it.

And then he’s like, “Oh, shit, is this Nora? Because if it’s not, that would be really embarrassing.”

And then he’s like, “Gotta sneeze!”

And then he’s like, “MANIMAL!”

And then he’s like, “Bored now.” Anyway, he goes off to the hospital to kill Jane for killing Nora, but Blucas has already taken Jane to some warehouse somewhere.

I really like that this nurse is just like, “Okay, I’ll shush.”

Anyway, Blucas is supposed to battle Sayid and take his heart out so Jane can live, I guess, but he’s not sure if he can turn into an animal yet. Sayid shows up and starts bashing Jane’s head against a rock and then Blucas is like, “Stop! I’m kind of an animal man now!” and Sayid is like, “Well, can you FLY?????” and he throws Blucas through the roof. But he can, so Sayid is like, “Well, I guess you can.” Then something something Blucas does turn into an animal and Sayid does, too, and, like, are you ready for this?

This is what they look like. THIS! THIS IS WHAT THEY LOOK LIKE! Like hologram stickers of Splinter! Not scary!

At all! Why do they go back and forth between being werelightwolves and being themselves with big jaws?

Why did a thirty second scene go by where nobody fixed Sayid’s jacket that was caught up on the wires?

Why does Blucas have blood on his teeth when he never bit anybody?

Anyway, Blucas kills Sayid and he takes his heart and gives Jane some heart juice.

And then they have a soft focus walk through the woods and another narration conversation where Blucas’s voice over is like, “Wait, I’m a half-WHAT-half-man???”

Next up: Matthew Fox in the first episode of Party of Five.

First up: The Stepfather.

No, like, The Stepfather, the movie, not just the Stepfather, the man. So, the Stepfather killed his family and then shaved off his beard and put in contacts and moved one town over and nobody can find him. He’s now married with a teenage stepdaughter Stephanie, but she thinks he’s weird and creepy.

I mean, he may not be into violent leaf fights, but, he likes lots of normal things.

Making people uncomfortable.

Woodworking.

Watching Mr. Ed.

Boning.

A lot.

Making emotional speeches at parties.

And origami.

But Stephanie’s interests include art and fighting.

So they are at odds.

Anyway, the Stepfather is really bad at keeping his identities straight like when he tells this little girl he’s trying to sell a house to, “My daughter Stephanie is the best. You should really meet Jill,” and the little girl is like, “Who’s Jill???” and the Stepfather is like, “Jill is my daughter. Stephanie.”

He also spends a lot of time alone telling himself to keep it together.

Anyway, Stephanie’s seeing a therapist and he keeps trying to get her to accept the Stepfather already, but she whines in this creepy baby voice that he’s actually the worst.

So, he offers to talk to the Stepfather for her, and sets up a fakey appointment to look at a house the Stepfather is selling. Then he hangs up the phone and contemplates his fakey appointment. For a long time.

Meanwhile, Stephanie saw an article in the newspaper about a man who had killed his family and disappeared and she writes to the newspaper to get a photo of him because she’s pretty sure that it will be the Stepfather. And, like, good instincts and everything, but what? Anyway, the Stepfather gets the mail and sees the photo of himself and has another basement freakout.

And then replaces the photo with this photo. I am wondering where he found a readily available 8×10 of a strange man.

Later, he goes to the real estate appointment and talks to the therapist who tries to pump him for information using the famous therapy technique of making fun of things the Stepfather likes. “Families are crap!” But, then he slips up and tells the Stepfather that he’s married, so he’s not very good at this. The Stepfather kills him with a 2×4 and then looks at his id to discover that he’s Stephanie’s therapist.

So, he brings him to a cliff and puts him in a car and pushes it over the edge.

But I think someone should have told the actor who played the therapist that dead people can’t steer.

Anyway, the Stepfather goes home and tells Stephanie that her therapist is dead and she starts crying and then he says that it’s great, though, because his death brought them closer together. And I would say, “Too soon,” but Stephanie’s kind of an idiot, so she agrees and they become instant bffs.

She doesn’t even bother to point out that strange tan patch stuck to his shirt.

She also now has a bf. Don’t these kids know that horseplay always leads to kissing?

And kissing leads right to rape, according to the Stepfather. Stephanie gets pissed and her mother is like, “You blew it, old man.”

And the Stepfather is like, “Oh, okay. Now I’m going to kill you guys.”

So, he quits his job at the real estate agency. Then he gets on a ferry and gives himself a fake mustache and puts on glasses and takes off his wig. And he goes to another town and gets a job selling life insurance.

Life insurance faces.

Meanwhile, Stephanie goes to the doctor’s office to see a new therapist (and that is such a doctor’s office from the 80s).

But when she opens the door to see this woman, she’s like, “Cured!” She wanders into her dead therapist’s office to poke around at his stuff, and finds out from his doodle pad that he had an appointment with the Stepfather.

I’m more interested in what that thing with the hat is supposed to be. Anyone?

Meanwhile, the brother/uncle of the last family the Stepfather murdered was in Europe for nine months and apparently never thought to call any relatives, because he just found out that his sister and nieces and nephews are all dead. So, David enlists the help of the journalist who wrote about the story when it happened to write a follow up story and run a photo. He thinks that the Stepfather probably didn’t go very far and that someone in the area will be able to identify him. So, the guy writes the story, but the newspaper editor doesn’t run the photo.

So, they rumble.

Then David goes to talk to the cops, which would have been my first stop, but whatever. And the cop is like, “We have zero leads in this case. But if I were you, I would get a gun and blow the son of a bitch away.” And, I mean, okay, but you have zero leads, so getting a gun isn’t gonna help, right? I mean, right?

Or. Okay. He also goes to the marriage office (you know, the marriage office) to find out what marriage certificates were issued in the last year.

Yikes.

Then he ends up at this strange couple’s house where he’s accused of being a cab driver the wife was having an affair with (?) and he’s like, “Ignore! Look at this photo! Who is it??” and they’re like, “The guy who sold us our house!” and he’s like, “Getting in my car and tearing out of here!” and I’m like, “Wait, what? How did you know to talk to these people?”

The Stepfather, meanwhile, has been pretending to go to work every day and his wife has just discovered that he quit. So, he’s like, “The secretary forgot my name! What a dingbat. How hard is it to forget the name Arnold, or whatever?” and his wife is like, “Wait, isn’t your name Stepfather?” and he’s like, “Who am I here?” and then he bashes his wife’s head with the phone. And throws her in the basement. And stabs her a few times.

David shows up at the house, but it looks like all the time at the gun range didn’t pay off, because he gets killed immediately.

Then the Stepfather goes after Stephanie, who stabs him in the arm.

And the wife, who isn’t dead, finds David’s gun and shoots the Stepfather four times. Which doesn’t kill him.

And then Stephanie stabs him and he’s like, “Boohoo.” He’s not dead, though. There’s a sequel.

Hey, you know what the best reaction to a random dead man in your living room, your mother and you almost dying, and having just killed another person is?

Next up: Naveen Andrews stars as, like, an animal-man or something in Animals.

So, like, Andie and Blaine stay together through the summer, and Duckie’s dating Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Steph and Blaine still aren’t talking. But then they go off to college. Well, Blaine goes to Northwestern or whatever the most expensive college is out there and Andie has a scholarship to, like, a good school but not a great school somewhere nearby and Duckie gets a job cleaning carpets somewhere around Shermer. And he and Buffy eventually break up when she goes off to college in California. And Steph doesn’t go to college, but he becomes a drug dealer on the Northwestern campus, so he and Blaine start talking again. Anyway, Andie gets pregnant and Blaine starts drinking a lot and tells Steph one night and Steph is like, “Well! You’ve certainly gone out and impregnated… the most… interesting girl of our mumble mumble,” and Blaine is like, “Wah,” and Steph is like, “Take care of it,” in that way that rich people always do in movies, where they’re like, “Take care of it,” instead of, “Tell her to get an abortion,” you know?

So, then Blaine wires her some money to get the abortion and she makes the appointment and he’s like, “I’ll be down there this weekend to go to the appointment with you,” but he stands her up! He backs out on her! Again! Anyway, so she calls Duckie, and Duckie’s there right away, but she doesn’t go through with the abortion and she has the kid. But, like, she can’t finish school because it’s the 80s and women’s lib hadn’t happened yet or whatever? So, she moves back to Shermer and Duckie and she get married and it’s sort of just a marriage of convenience. I mean, at least for her. Duckie obviously wanted to marry her, but she’s just sort of like, “Well, WHAT ELSE am I gonna do??” in that shrieky voice.

So, anyway, they’re raising the kid and she’s all bitter and dissatisfied with her life all the time, but Duckie’s a really good father, it turns out, and then a few years later, Blaine shows back up. He’s an alcoholic at this point, btw. So, Blaine shows up and he’s like, “I want to get back together with you,” and Andie’s like, “You had your chance, Blaine,” but then they end up having an affair anyway. Blaine is a real deadbeat dad. Like, he shows up at birthday parties drunk and with really inappropriate gifts and he misses little league games and everything, and their son (Martin, that’s their son’s name) likes Duckie better anyway. And Duckie knows that something is up, and he’s like, “Can we not invite Blaine, since Martin doesn’t even like him?” and Andie’s like, “We have to invite him! He’s Martin’s real father!” and then Duckie just looks at her. Like, he just looks at her and then walks out of the room. And Andie feels bad that she hurt him, so she goes to a motel and sleeps with Blaine, because that’s how depressed people in movies who are having affairs deal with their guilt: they go and do something that makes them more guilty.

Anyway, at this point, Steph’s been hanging around again after he did a short stint in jail for dealing, and Blaine invites him to Martin’s, like, 10th birthday and he shows up with this giant scar on his face from a knife fight he got into in prison? And Andie’s like, “What are you doing here, Steph?” and Steph is like, “This is Martin’s party, Andie, you can’t tell me what to do,” and Andie’s like, “Well, where’s Blaine anyway?” and Steph’s like, “Shrug,” and Andie’s like, “That filthy fucking no good liar! He didn’t even have the decency to tell me the truth!” Because it turns out that Blaine was going to come to the party and talk to Duckie for her about how she wanted a divorce. But, anyway, Blaine’s not there and Duckie tries to comfort her, but of course Andie doesn’t let him, and Martin tells her he hates her and then Steph tries to say something to make her feel better but she gets all self-righteous that he’s hitting on her, but then she ends up sleeping with him anyway, because she’s sad. Also, everyone’s wearing flannel because it’s the mid-90s.

So, anyway, she’s been having this sort of affair with Steph, but also still carrying on her affair with Blaine, and neither of them knows about it. And then one day, she’s at her house with Steph while Duckie’s cleaning carpets and Blaine stumbles in with some flowers he, like, stepped on accidentally on the way over, and Steph and Blaine discover what was going on and they’re all mad at her and they both leave. But then a year later or something Blaine gets into a drunk driving accident and Steph calls her up and tells her to come to the hospital and Blaine is, like, in a coma and they don’t know if he’ll ever wake up and Steph tries to hold her hand but she gets up and is all, “I choose me,” and Steph’s like, “It’s not like there was much of a choice since Blaine is probably gonna die mumble mumble.” But then when Andie gets home she sees all of Duckie’s bags packed and it turns out that Buffy the Vampire Slayer came back from California a year ago and they’ve fallen in love and he wants to finally go off and have the life he’s always deserved whatever whatever. And at first Andie’s all mad, but then she tells him to go, but it’s this obnoxious scene where she’s acting like she’s the generous one but you’re like, “But you had two affairs for years!” and then Duckie leaves and they give each other a hug goodbye, and he’s like, “Play Try a Little Tenderness sometimes and remember me,” or whatever. And then Martin, who’s 16 now, comes out of the house and he’s like, “Dad!” and it’s really poignant because he’s always called him Duckie, and Duckie’s like, “Son, I have to tell you something,” but before he can finish, Martin’s like, “Dad, take me with you!” and then Duckie looks at Andie and Andie looks up at the sky or whatever and then she’s like, “It’s okay. You can go,” because she chose herself again.

So, Duckie and Martin leave and Andie sits out on a lawn chair in the front yard of her crappy house alone and she’s got bags under her eyes and her hair isn’t as red as it used to be and she’s wearing all black because she’s a boring sad adult now, and a single tear falls down her face, and then she reaches into her bag and takes out a pair of pink sunglasses and puts them on and smiles or something and that’s when the movie’s over.

You know, it’s one of those boring movies that adults like.