The Crush is awesome. Obviously. It’s like a Poison Ivy rip-off but without the gross Tom Skerritt sex. A Fatal Attraction for babies. Here are seven reasons why it’s your favorite movie.

1.

Cary Elwes can close doors with his mind.

2.

This woman’s head is on backwards.

3.

This carousel is in an attic. An attic. With a pull-down ladder. THIS CAROUSEL IS IN AN ATTIC WITH A PULL-DOWN LADDER.

4.

Cary Elwes’s computer is programmed to get increasingly angry each time he tries to find his files.

5.

This is the ecstatic reaction Cary Elwes’s friends have to the suggestion of “marshmallows and wine” at a party.

6.

These people.

7.

Cary Elwes is really good at punching.

Go watch it, idiots!

When I was a freshman in high school, this movie premiered on NBC or whatever and, no duh, I watched it. The next day at school, I found my friend Laura and I was like, “Hey, did you watch this terrible made-for-tv xmas movie last night that was terrible?” and she was like, “Tell me you’re not… tossing and TOURNING,” and I was like, “Yeah! That one!” She doesn’t remember any of this happening.

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This is Blogging All of TV for the weeks of September 19th and 26th. I mean, all of tv, like, the stuff that I saw. And all of tv, like, the stuff that I saw that was worth grabbing.

Previously on tv…

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This is Blogging All of TV for the week of September 12th. I mean, all of tv, like, the stuff that I saw. And all of tv, like, the stuff that I saw that was worth grabbing.

Previously on tv…

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Just because Lost is over doesn’t mean it’s over over. I mean, it does, but it doesn’t mean the Bonus Content has to end. Welcome to Lost: Bonus Summer, where we check out what the Lost ppl are up to now that they’re off the island (/in heaven).

This week: The Purifiers starring Dominic Monaghan.

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Except for, “Okay, thanks, bye!”

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Just because Lost is over doesn’t mean it’s over over. I mean, it does, but it doesn’t mean the Bonus Content has to end. Welcome to Lost: Bonus Summer, where we check out what the Lost ppl are up to now that they’re off the island (/in heaven).

This week: The Linda McCartney Story, starring Elizabeth Mitchell.

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Just because Lost is over doesn’t mean it’s over over. I mean, it does, but it doesn’t mean the Bonus Content has to end. Welcome to Lost: Bonus Summer, where we check out what the Lost ppl are up to now that they’re off the island (/in heaven).

This week: Animals, starring Naveen Andrews.

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Just because Lost is over doesn’t mean it’s over over. I mean, it does, but it doesn’t mean the Bonus Content has to end. Welcome to Lost: Bonus Summer, where we check out what the Lost ppl are up to now that they’re off the island (/in heaven).

First up: The Stepfather.

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So, you know how, like, you’re always wondering what happens to all the characters in movies you like after the movie’s over? I mean, if you’re not a commenter on the imdb.com message boards, where they’re constantly trying to answer this question (and also, what Zac Efron would play that whatever in the whatever remake of whatever), you probably haven’t. But, wonder no more, if you’ve been wondering, because this is the sequel to Pretty in Pink:

So, like, Andie and Blaine stay together through the summer, and Duckie’s dating Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Steph and Blaine still aren’t talking. But then they go off to college. Well, Blaine goes to Northwestern or whatever the most expensive college is out there and Andie has a scholarship to, like, a good school but not a great school somewhere nearby and Duckie gets a job cleaning carpets somewhere around Shermer. And he and Buffy eventually break up when she goes off to college in California. And Steph doesn’t go to college, but he becomes a drug dealer on the Northwestern campus, so he and Blaine start talking again. Anyway, Andie gets pregnant and Blaine starts drinking a lot and tells Steph one night and Steph is like, “Well! You’ve certainly gone out and impregnated… the most… interesting girl of our mumble mumble,” and Blaine is like, “Wah,” and Steph is like, “Take care of it,” in that way that rich people always do in movies, where they’re like, “Take care of it,” instead of, “Tell her to get an abortion,” you know?

So, then Blaine wires her some money to get the abortion and she makes the appointment and he’s like, “I’ll be down there this weekend to go to the appointment with you,” but he stands her up! He backs out on her! Again! Anyway, so she calls Duckie, and Duckie’s there right away, but she doesn’t go through with the abortion and she has the kid. But, like, she can’t finish school because it’s the 80s and women’s lib hadn’t happened yet or whatever? So, she moves back to Shermer and Duckie and she get married and it’s sort of just a marriage of convenience. I mean, at least for her. Duckie obviously wanted to marry her, but she’s just sort of like, “Well, WHAT ELSE am I gonna do??” in that shrieky voice.

So, anyway, they’re raising the kid and she’s all bitter and dissatisfied with her life all the time, but Duckie’s a really good father, it turns out, and then a few years later, Blaine shows back up. He’s an alcoholic at this point, btw. So, Blaine shows up and he’s like, “I want to get back together with you,” and Andie’s like, “You had your chance, Blaine,” but then they end up having an affair anyway. Blaine is a real deadbeat dad. Like, he shows up at birthday parties drunk and with really inappropriate gifts and he misses little league games and everything, and their son (Martin, that’s their son’s name) likes Duckie better anyway. And Duckie knows that something is up, and he’s like, “Can we not invite Blaine, since Martin doesn’t even like him?” and Andie’s like, “We have to invite him! He’s Martin’s real father!” and then Duckie just looks at her. Like, he just looks at her and then walks out of the room. And Andie feels bad that she hurt him, so she goes to a motel and sleeps with Blaine, because that’s how depressed people in movies who are having affairs deal with their guilt: they go and do something that makes them more guilty.

Anyway, at this point, Steph’s been hanging around again after he did a short stint in jail for dealing, and Blaine invites him to Martin’s, like, 10th birthday and he shows up with this giant scar on his face from a knife fight he got into in prison? And Andie’s like, “What are you doing here, Steph?” and Steph is like, “This is Martin’s party, Andie, you can’t tell me what to do,” and Andie’s like, “Well, where’s Blaine anyway?” and Steph’s like, “Shrug,” and Andie’s like, “That filthy fucking no good liar! He didn’t even have the decency to tell me the truth!” Because it turns out that Blaine was going to come to the party and talk to Duckie for her about how she wanted a divorce. But, anyway, Blaine’s not there and Duckie tries to comfort her, but of course Andie doesn’t let him, and Martin tells her he hates her and then Steph tries to say something to make her feel better but she gets all self-righteous that he’s hitting on her, but then she ends up sleeping with him anyway, because she’s sad. Also, everyone’s wearing flannel because it’s the mid-90s.

So, anyway, she’s been having this sort of affair with Steph, but also still carrying on her affair with Blaine, and neither of them knows about it. And then one day, she’s at her house with Steph while Duckie’s cleaning carpets and Blaine stumbles in with some flowers he, like, stepped on accidentally on the way over, and Steph and Blaine discover what was going on and they’re all mad at her and they both leave. But then a year later or something Blaine gets into a drunk driving accident and Steph calls her up and tells her to come to the hospital and Blaine is, like, in a coma and they don’t know if he’ll ever wake up and Steph tries to hold her hand but she gets up and is all, “I choose me,” and Steph’s like, “It’s not like there was much of a choice since Blaine is probably gonna die mumble mumble.” But then when Andie gets home she sees all of Duckie’s bags packed and it turns out that Buffy the Vampire Slayer came back from California a year ago and they’ve fallen in love and he wants to finally go off and have the life he’s always deserved whatever whatever. And at first Andie’s all mad, but then she tells him to go, but it’s this obnoxious scene where she’s acting like she’s the generous one but you’re like, “But you had two affairs for years!” and then Duckie leaves and they give each other a hug goodbye, and he’s like, “Play Try a Little Tenderness sometimes and remember me,” or whatever. And then Martin, who’s 16 now, comes out of the house and he’s like, “Dad!” and it’s really poignant because he’s always called him Duckie, and Duckie’s like, “Son, I have to tell you something,” but before he can finish, Martin’s like, “Dad, take me with you!” and then Duckie looks at Andie and Andie looks up at the sky or whatever and then she’s like, “It’s okay. You can go,” because she chose herself again.

So, Duckie and Martin leave and Andie sits out on a lawn chair in the front yard of her crappy house alone and she’s got bags under her eyes and her hair isn’t as red as it used to be and she’s wearing all black because she’s a boring sad adult now, and a single tear falls down her face, and then she reaches into her bag and takes out a pair of pink sunglasses and puts them on and smiles or something and that’s when the movie’s over.

You know, it’s one of those boring movies that adults like.