Just because Lost is over doesn’t mean it’s over over. I mean, it does, but it doesn’t mean the Bonus Content has to end. Welcome to Lost: Bonus Summer, where we check out what the Lost ppl are up to now that they’re off the island (/in heaven).
This week: The Purifiers starring Dominic Monaghan.
So, it’s, like… Future Scotland? And for some reason Future Scotland is ruled by gangs of people who do karate? Everyone in Future Scotland knows karate, because that’s going to be the wave of the Future, I guess, and I think that… Is there no government or police force in Future Scotland? I don’t know if the gangs are good or bad. Like, I know that the one gang, The Purifiers, is supposed to be good, but I don’t know about the others. There are these zones that they’re responsible for and they don’t stray into each other’s zones, so it seems like they are all rivals. But I know that the gangs train with each other in karate, so I guess they must be friendly, at the very least.
Um, ew.
Anyway, so the karate gangs are The Pumas, who are all ladies in pleather (which I thought would have been gone in the Future, but I was wrong) and ride around on motorcycles.
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Pleather, btw, makes your fights sound really really stupid.
The Eels, who are a new gang, but they didn’t explain the process of getting into the gangs. Like, if they had forms to fill out or if they could just form a gang and people would instantly accept them. Also, is six gang members per gang really enough? Enough to patrol the streets of Scotland? Or … terrorize the streets of Scotland? I still don’t know the point of the gangs. They get around on skateboards and roller skates. Skates, not blades.
The Angels definitely put the most money into their gang, so they must be protecting whatever is the ritziest Future Scotland zone. Also, they travel in a truck that has a Marshall stack strapped to the top, but they don’t appear to listen to any music out of it.
And The Wolves travel in this strange branded car that seems too small for all six of them.
Then, of course, there are The Purifiers, run by this guy named John who’s, like, an idealist and a pacifist who also likes killing people with his karate feet. They have a really cool hangout where they play air hockey, but also read if they feel like it, and also have other non-gang members around, but they never talk to them. Another thing I’m not too sure about is what they wear on their feet, because a lot of times it seems like they’re wearing some kind of slip-on sneakers, but then other times they’re definitely wearing, like, thin black dress socks.
So, after a long night of making one of the Purifiers pretend to get raped so the rest of the Purifiers could karate kick the rapist and then tape a dv tape to his mouth (I don’t know!), they come back to their hangout to find a letter from Moses, who is the Future Scotland King. But, not the King King, like, the King of the Future Scotland Gangs, I think, and he wants all of the karate gangs to meet at his house to find out if they’ll stand behind him in his bid for, like, city councilman. Which… Um. Even in Future Scotland, the Karate Gangs King still has to work within the system to make a real change?
He’s obviously not a nice guy. He also speaks with the same un-punctuation of a commenter on Yelp:
i am moses these r my freinds and business associates, this is our home which we luv and protect we luv this place you seeyou see how we feel about this place we luv this space we luvv this city this is r city the same as you we feel the same way you feel !! the pumas proud ROTFL in the face of any man who thinks he might be bigger or better the new boys the eels…….we welcome you valuable friends the angels bring there intelligence N strength worthy foes worthy friends my neighbors the wolves !!!!! u c it is possible we can be in the same place at the same time here is the proof and finally john LOL john and his purifiers still there john looking after your team still their fighting the bad guys brilliant brilliant and beautiful look at us look around u success hope vision belief we are different we never gave up we never accepted the SH!% that was on offer no we said no no no no we are the future we r the truth the only truth that matters to us we believe what do we believe in we believe in the possibilite this is our business we’re beautiful we’re beautiful and it’s time we took what was rightly ours LMAO
Dominic Monaghan, one of the Purifiers, is like, “We should totally vote for him,” but John is like, “I’d rather take his second offer, which is to run away and try not to get killed by the other karate gangs.”
So, they leave before the karate gang parade and inexplicably split 4 and 2, so John and the three chicks go one way (towards the train station) and DM and the other guy (Raz) run the other way (away from the train station) and their orders are to meet at the train station. So, of course they get to the train station and DM and Raz aren’t there and everyone’s like, “How could they not be here? We told them to run twice as many miles as we had to run. Also, how come all of the other karate gangs have cars and bikes and roller skates and our mode of transportation is ‘the train’? I mean, how lame is this?” So, John decides that it’s probably best to leave his two gang members out in the streets filled with angry(?) rival(?) karate gang members who want to kill them(?) for not wanting to vote 4 Moses for the City Council(?). I’m still not entirely clear on the plot of this movie.
One of the girls, Li, decides that leaving their other friends is kind of a dick move so she stays to go find them, but the other two girls sort of get stuck on the train as the doors are closing with John. So, they get mad at him.
Which makes John remember the day he met Raz. He was hanging out under a bridge like a troll and he noticed two people trying to steal Raz’s skateboard, and then Raz karate kicked them, and then John ran over but got there just as the would-be thieves were running away, and then he acted like he helped. I think John might be a little in love with Raz? I’m not sure about this. But, Moses seems like he might be a little in love with John, and John is really only having misty watercolored memories about Raz. Am I making up the gay subplot? So, after getting a call from DM that Raz was kidnapped by a karate gang and taken back to Moses’s house, he decides to get off the train and go back for the rest of the Purifiers.
Except DM’s phone call was a fakeout, because he’s actually working for Moses. Snore.
Anyway, on the way back, John and those other two girls run into the Pumas, who try to kill them. But, then one of the Purifiers sticks a cigarette into the Puma leader’s gas tank and a bunch of the Pumas blow up.
And this Puma thinks it’s radical.
They also run into the Angels, and know that they’ve run into the Angels when they spy this woman’s horribly done nails. The Angels grab John and put him in their car. Halfway to Moses’s, the leader has to pee, so he gets out of the car.
Where he proceeds to have the loudest pee ever, because he does not hear John kill the other three Angels sitting in the car three feet behind him.
Meanwhile, Li, still trying to find DM and Raz, was found by the Wolves, who follow her into a Chinese restaurant. And, I don’t know if it’s because this guy knows Li is a Purifier and he likes Purifiers, or if he knows the other guys are Wolves and he doesn’t like Wolves, or if he’s doing it because Li is Asian, but he starts taunting the Wolves until they start a fight with him so Li can slip out the back door of the restaurant.
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PS, this is your new ringtone.
Li runs into DM, and she realizes that he’s a double-crosser, so she tries to karate kill him, but he karate fights back and slams her into a big glass covered poster for Moses’s City Council Campaign, and then he starts kissing her, and she seems kind of fine with it, until she realizes that she’s been stabbed in the back by a piece of glass, and that’s when DM decides that kissing dead girls isn’t fun and runs away.
I bet the fact that she was stabbed in the BACK by the glass was symbolism, but I don’t know what it symbolizes.
John, meanwhile, has gotten into Moses’s and the Eels tell him that they killed Raz as soon as they found him. I mean, anticlimactic. To the max. So, John kills them.
And then he gets in a glow stick fight, but since it was all done in the dark, I have no idea who he was fighting with.
When he finally gets to Moses, he discovers that, not only was DM working with Moses to bring down John and become the next King of the Karate Gangs, but Frances (that’s one of the other Purifiers) is a cop. A cop! A cop? Are there cops in Future Scotland? I thought the Karate Gangs did all the cop work. I don’t even know why she’s a cop or what she’s doing pretending to be in a karate gang or what she’s gaining from this or why she seems to have been in a karate gang for a really long time if it’s just some kind of undercover thing. Oh, and Moses leaves a comment on your latest YouTube video:
how far did you take it frances in the line of duty howfar did you play the game LOLso come and join the party say hello to your friend you 2 have a lot in common both betrayed the very person who gave you his most prized possession isn’t that right john ?? that thing you value above everything else that very thing that brought u back here trust……….isn’t that right john can you change or does the world have to change to you it may seem that i’m being unreasonable but i’m the one looking to the future and ur the one stuck in the past your world is in freefall it’s over don’t you see what you have done for me
They karate fight and John wins.
Gross. Moses lets Frances go because John asks him to, and then John tells Frances that they have to walk away from each other, even though I guess they don’t want to, but when you’re in a karate gang and she’s an undercover cop pretending to be in your karate gang, you can’t be whatever whatever? Snore.
DM thinks that Moses is going to kill John, so he leaves, even though I thought he was working with Moses to defeat John and I figured that would be something he’d want to be around for. But, anyway, he runs into one of the other Purifiers who tells him to get in the car and then surprises him with Li, who didn’t really die (and seems to be pretty with it for someone who had an “I’ve been stabbed and am now dying” dead face twenty minutes ago), and then they both kill him.
Silly Penis Boat. Still thinking he can drive after he’s dead.
And then John goes off presumably to some other Future Part of the Future World to teach karate.
No, really. That’s how it ends.
Next week, Emilie de Ravilin in the movie Remember Me.
