Just because Lost is over doesn’t mean it’s over over. I mean, it does, but it doesn’t mean the Bonus Content has to end. Welcome to Lost: Bonus Summer, where we check out what the Lost ppl are up to now that they’re off the island (/in heaven).

This week: Lawnmower Man starring Jeff Fahey.

Also, Pierce Brosnan, who is a scientist who’s developed a virtual reality something something that’s supposed to change humans forever and ever.

But it mostly just seems to be a game where you get to make your blobby metallic self fly through a bad screensaver.

Anyway, he was training this monkey with the virtual reality mumble mumble, but the monkey was becoming aggressive, and, after a nightmare where the monkey went ape-shit (GET IT??????????????) and killed a bunch of guards with a gun, he gets a call from the lab to tell him that his monkey went ape-shit (DID YOU GET IT THIS TIME??????) and killed a bunch of guards with a gun. All while wearing a virtual reality helmet. So.

He decides it’s time to find a new monkey to train. Unfrozen Caveman Pilot plays the Lawnmower Man, who is mildly retarded and lives with a priest who may or may not be molesting him, and works for the priest’s brother who is from Ireland even though the priest is definitely not, and mows Pierce Brosnan’s lawn.

So, PB tells him that he has a fun game for him to play, but the fun game is, like, match this shape to that shape and Lawnmower Man isn’t very good at it. But then PB puts a virtual reality helmet on him and does…

This? And then Lawnmower Man gets super duper smart.

So smart, in fact, that he tells the priest to stop molesting him (?) and also that he’s going to buy some tight jeans and turn his tiny hilltop, church-adjacent, one-room shack into a ranch. I guess he’s not super duper smart yet.

Anyway, this woman whose lawn he also mows, notices his ass in his newly purchased tight jeans and makes the exact same face I was making. The barf face.

But her barf face means something good, apparently, because she likes his sexy new wig and decides to teach him how to french kiss and have gross sex with him.

All of the smarts are making him so smart that he can start to move things with his mind and also hear people’s thoughts, which makes him scared, but then immediately makes him kind of an asshole.

The kind of asshole who tries to get inside of PB’s brain and make him continue this “project”, of which objective I’m still not entirely clear on.

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After watching a commercial for some kind of secrets/gossip/therapy(?) service, Lawnmower Man tells his new girlfriend that he can hear her thoughts and he knows all of her dirtiest fantasies and he’s going to make them come true. So, he takes her to the lab and they both put on virtual reality helmets.

So, her fantasies apparently involve becoming a blobby metallic faceless person who makes out with a blobby metallic fractals-printed faceless person while flying through a bad screensaver, which is convenient, because that’s pretty much all you can do in virtual reality.

Her fantasies also involve turning into a bug with two heads.

And her darkest fantasy involves being trapped in the ooze from Lawnmower Man’s “primal mind” and being attacked by a blobby metallic monster who vomits blood on her. But, that was such a dark fantasy, that even just experiencing it VIRTUALLY made her go crazy. Which makes Lawnmower Man feel really bad.

So, he puts on his glow suit and goes on a killing spree. He sets the priest on fire VIRTUALLY, and kills a local bully VIRTUALLY, and then kills the abusive father of a friend of his VIRTUALLY.

I don’t know why he was so sweaty.

Anyway, PB finds him and puts on his virtual reality helmet to see what he’s been up to. I don’t know why he’s so horrified because it looks exactly like all of the other virtual reality shit they’ve been watching: blobby, metallic, flying, screensavery. When he talks to Lawnmower Man, though, he realizes that he’s gone completely crazy, which is supposed to be something like… He’s gone so VIRTUAL, that he has no REALITY anymore and, like, his brain is VIRTUAL, but he’s using his REALITY body to get things done?

This was not done by Lawnmower Man, by the way. PB just kind of spazzed out. But, then Lawnmower Man tied him up VIRTUALLY and hooked a virtual reality helmet onto his head so he could watch this completely awful 8-bit version of what was happening wherever Lawnmower Man went. I don’t know if it was being tied up, or if it was the video game graphics, but this is how upset PB was about the whole thing:

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Meanwhile, Lawnmower Man went to the lab to complete his mission (which is to… whatever whatever all the databases in the world-net something something?). He makes some really believable virtual bees to attack the guards, but one of them manages to kill his friend, the Irish Lawnmower Man, who settles comfortably into dying of a gunshot wound to the chest.

PB gets out of his house and takes a really awkward drive with his neighbors (the wife and son of the abusive guy Lawnmower Man killed) to the lab to find Lawnmower Man and stop him from doing whatever it is he’s doing.

He takes the … computers … off the network so that… Lawnmower Man needs to… Something something. I think that the voice of the computers in the lab was an inspiration for the computer voice in Celery Man.

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I mean, right?

Anyway, he finds Lawnmower Man strapped into the virtual reality machine, but his body’s all, like, dust now or whatever, which means that he’s gone completely virtual? He says that he’s going to hack into every computer system in the universe and… I STILL don’t know what he’s going to do! I don’t know! But anyway, they have this big long virtual reality battle, and eventually PB manages to win and the lab blows up and he ends up becoming involved with the woman and child from next door, who, by the way, he watched for presumably years getting the crap beat out of them by their abusive husband/father without doing anything about it, so, yeah, he definitely deserves that happy ending. But, it’s not really a happy ending, because Lawnmower Man told PB that he would make every phone in the world ring at once when he became completely virtual (which does WHAT?), and the movie ends with every phone in the world ringing, but also every bell in every bell tower ringing, because they are digital.

It’s true! We’re hooked in, and turned on, in the virtual world, and controlled with the mind by whatever.

Anyway, the best lines in the whole movie are as follows:

“Fuckin’ screw the political assholes! He’s the best chimp I’ve ever had.”
“Virtual reality holds a key to the evolution of the human mind.”
“God dammit, Caroline, never unplug a program while I’m engaged! You just ruined the whole effect.”
“Falling, floating, flying. So what’s next? Fucking?”
“You said you would take me to the city this week. But as usual, you’re hooked up to that machine.”
“You need some reality reality. Not this, this artificial reality.”
“Hi, Dr. Angelo. Can we play in cyber boogie today?”
“His mind is like a clean, hungry sponge.”
“Woah, that was sketch!”
“This is some of the most advance computer equipment in the world, Job. In these gyrospheres, we wear full cyber suits.”
“Sometimes I think I’m discovering a new planet. But one I’m inventing instead of discovering.”
“I saw God. I touched God.”
“In here we can be anything we want to be. I’ll see you on the inside.”
“This technology is simply arousing us to powers that conjurers and alchemists used centuries ago. Human race lost that knowledge and now I’m reclaiming it through virtual technology.”
“Shit you shitting shit.”
“You’re a strange motherfucker. And I am too tired for this, Lawnmower Man.”
“Once I’ve entered in the neuro-net, my birth cry will be the sound of ever phone on this planet ringing in unison.”
“By the year 2001, there won’t be a person in this planet who won’t be hooked into it.”
“We’re being cut off. Off the net.”
“Your naive idiocy makes me very angry!!!!”
“So you’ve given me a final game to play: I find a way out, or I die in this diseased mainframe.”
“I have things to do, people to see, a billion calls to make.”

Oh, and by the way: here are a few thousand more Lawnmower Man gifs for you in the bonus content to the bonus summer bonus content bonus.

Next week, Dominic Monaghan in the roving karate gang on skateboards in future Scotland action(?) movie The Purifiers.