Just because Lost is over doesn’t mean it’s over over. I mean, it does, but it doesn’t mean the Bonus Content has to end. Welcome to Lost: Bonus Summer, where we check out what the Lost ppl are up to now that they’re off the island (/in heaven).

This week, Matthew Fox in the pilot to the mid-90s series Party of Five.

Ugh. You guys? Ugh. I know I watched this show when it was first on, but I really don’t remember it being this painful. And really, I mean, Matthew Fox’s character Charlie is so so awful. I mean, a stupid jackass who has no interest in helping out his (minor) siblings juggle bills and household expenses beyond signing the checks from the account he was given control over by his (woefully misguided) parents. He loses tons of money, he makes everyone angry, he refuses to get a real job, his teenage brother is infinitely smarter and more in control than he… And yet, there is actually someone worse than him.

Much in the way that Kate on Lost was The Worst and Jack was just The Stupidest, Charlie is the fool.

But Julia? Julia is THE WORST. Possibly worse than Kate. Possibly. First of all, she’s offered a slice of pizza and when she discovers that it’s not cold, she decides to put all the pizza down the garbage disposal. ALL THE PIZZA. ALL 16 SLICES OF PIZZA THAT WERE NOT JUST FOR HER GET PUT DOWN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. Because she’s a brat who wanted cold pizza and didn’t want to put it in the fridge and wait an hour. Also? The sink breaks. Because of the pizza in the garbage disposal.

Then at school, this guy named PK (really? PK? Pre-K? That’s a terrible name.) is making eyes at her in trigonometry and then she goes outside and says to him that it’s weird how you can be in a class with someone all year and never notice them and then PK is like, “I noticed you, like, since the beginning of the year.” It’s awkward. Then he randomly grabs her face and asks her out, so she’s like, “Yes, I can do anything anytime because my parents are dead and I have no rules because my parents have been dead for six months and nobody can tell me what to do anymore, because I have no parents,” so PK’s like, “Yeah, I heard about that, what a bummer,” and then Julia’s like, “I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT MY PARENTS THX, do you want to share this sweater with me, because we could fit two people inside of it, I’m pretty sure.”

So, later that day, she comes home wearing a new leather jacket and Bailey’s like, “When we were trying to pay the plumber [he should have yelled at her so hard for wasting two entire pizzas in the garbage disposal and then destroying the sink, but for some reason he never does -- love, jane], we realized we didn’t have enough money and that a check was missing from the check book, so I hope you didn’t buy that leather jacket with the money that was supposed to pay the plumber for the stupid effing thing that YOU DID,” and Julia’s like, “I paid for it with my own money, thank you very much,” and I’m like, “WHAT MONEY?” She’s, like, 15 and doesn’t have a job.

Anyway, she goes on the date to some generic “club” and runs into Charlie, who tells her he doesn’t think she should be there. But, she’s like, “I spent all day putting mousse in my hair and sweeping it to the side in this butt fashion, so I can’t just go home now, scamper off,” and Charlie does, because he’s an idiot. But, more about him later.

Then she takes PK home and they go to her room, where he tries to make polite conversation about all of her dead parents’ things. So, she’s like, “Do you want to kiss me?” and he’s like, “AWK, I mean, yeah, but awk, seriously. Um… Do you have music to listen to, or… Because this date is getting more disturbing by the second.” So she’s like, “I don’t, but I have a radio, maybe, that we could plug in and wind up because it’s old or whatever and you have to crank it to make it run and we’ll also have to carry it up the stairs from the basement or whatever, but we can do that if you want to listen to music and not the sound of the wind rushing past my big teeth?” and PK’s like, “Please shut up, let’s just make out.” So, she grabs his ass and he sort of recoils because she’s sort of a lunatic.

But then Charlie comes home and calls a family meeting. Julia is PISSED because she was all set for some boning (or at least what she thinks is boning). She sends PK home, who asks if she wants to meet up at the Golden Gate Bridge later, since she has no rules to follow and no one to answer to and she definitely told him before that she could meet up with him at the Golden Gate Bridge whenever, but she’s like, “Sorry, can’t.” Then, when Charlie tells them all that he lost $12,000 of their food-babysitter-mortgage payment-living expenses money, Julia gets super self-righteous, even though I’m pretty sure that she bought that leather jacket using those exact expenses. And then when Bailey tells Charlie that they needed that money to pay for, among other things, the broken sink, Julia spins around and says, “Thanks a lot, Charlie,” and I’m like, “SOMEONE SAY THAT SHE BROKE THE SINK! SOMEONE TELL HER TO TAKE HER LEATHER JACKET BACK TO PAY FOR THE SINK BECAUSE SHE’S THE ONE WHO BROKE IT!!!!” but no one does.

Then the next day, she puts her hair back into that same butt style and puts on the exact same outfit she wore on their first date and goes to the pool hall to find PK. Who tells her that they’re not a couple and he doesn’t want her hanging around him. Ha!

When she comes home, Bailey makes a joke about her getting dumped and then realizes it’s true, and Charlie’s response is, “Hey, you’re not supposed to go out on school nights.” Julia says, “Go to hell, Charlie,” and Charlie – EVEN CHARLIE – is like, “I thought I was the worst, but wtf Julia? You are so the worst!”

Bailey goes to find out why Julia’s so upset – since she only went out with the guy once – and he tells her that PK’s a jerk and he made a gun rack in shop class and she deserves better anyway (debatable). I mean, standard older brother fare, right? So, Julia’s like, “Is calling him a jerk supposed to make me feel better?” And I’m like… “Yes? Lunatic.” But, Bailey’s like, “Um… I don’t know what to say.” So, she’s like, “You don’t know what to say because nothing like this has ever happened to you!”

So, the next day, Bailey tries again. I mean, I would have given up, but, whatever. So he tells her that he was super into this girl the year before and she blew him off and he felt like a jerk about it, and instead of being like, “Shared experience,” Julia’s like, “Not good enough.” She goes on this rant about how nobody understands what it’s like to deal with the PKs of the world without parents, so Bailey’s like, “Um, yeah, I actually do, because the parents you had that died were also my parents, and I am also still in high school.” So, she’s like, “Ignore. Why don’t we ever talk about them? That would make me feel better.” So, Bailey’s like, “Yeah, okay, we’ll talk about them more. And I’d really like it if we all met up at the restaurant [it used to belong to their father, but his partner now owns it] twice a week for dinner like a normal family,” and Julia’s like, “THAT IS THE STUPIDEST FUCKING THING I’VE EVER HEARD! WHY THE FUCK WOULD I WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH YOU TALKING ABOUT OUR PARENTS????” Bailey doesn’t shoot her. Amazing.

Anyway, even though he pales in comparison to Julia’s Worst, Charlie is still pretty awful. He’s 24, and he technically has guardianship over the family. But, for some reason he doesn’t live there? He “crashes” at his friends’ houses, but I guess he doesn’t have a real house? I don’t know. Also, he has odd jobs cleaning houses and painting and stuff, but not a real job.

So he has a great idea to pool $12,000 of the family money with two of his friends to buy a house and flip it. But one of the friends runs off with the money. Everyone gets mad at him, obviously, because that leaves them with $2500 for the next four months. So, Charlie’s solution is to move back into the house and “spend more time there”, whatever the hell that means. He kicks Julia out of his old room so he can move back in, which, I mean… I’m all for kicking Julia when she’s down, but he actually threatens to throw her stuff out if she doesn’t evacuate his room in the next five minutes or whatever. I mean, super bitch style. Matthew Fox is so typecast.

Anyway, Bailey finally snaps and tells Charlie to stop trying to impose rules on everyone, and to stop telling them all to read the guardianship papers to see who’s really in charge, because he’s the asshole who lost all their money and he’s the only one who’s old enough to go get a real job.

Instead of going to get a job, Charlie goes to his dad’s friend (the current owner of the restaurant) to borrow some money. So the guy is like, “You can definitely borrow money, if you’re willing to work for it.” So, Charlie’s like, “Yeah, I’ll work for it. When I get a job, I’ll let you know.”

So the guy is like, “Let me just creepily reach down here between my legs and show you what I really meant.” He wants Charlie to be a bartender. Charlie is a TOTAL bitch about it. But he eventually accepts after the guy is like, “Stop being a bitch about it.”

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Duh. So, everyone goes to the restaurant for their family dinner. Even Julia. Boo! Throw her back! Anyway, this is the typical family conversation they have when they all sit down. I’ve transcribed it for you.

Julia: So what’s everyone having? Shove over, Char.
Bailey: I’m glad you made it.
Claudia: Too bad Kirsten couldn’t come tonight, huh Bay?
Julia: Kirsten? who’s Kirsten?
Bailey: She’s our new nanny.
Julia: [long pause] Oh, yeah?
Claudia: Where’s the sourdough?
Julia: He’s got it.
Charlie: [long pause] So you finally hired someone?
Bailey: [long pause] Yeah, we have a new nanny.
Claudia: I want the sourdough. You always guiness.
Charlie: Fine, enjoy.
Claudia: [long pause] Ew, gross, you ate the corn out of it.
Julia: So what’s Kirsten like?
Bailey: Pssssssssssh very professional.

Family. Anyway, I will leave you with the exact reason why the mid-90s floppy do is right below Julia on the scale of the Worst:

Next up: Elizabeth Mitchell in the TV movie The Linda McCartney Story.