This is Blogging All of TV for the weeks of May 30th, June 6th, and June 13th. I mean, all of tv, like, the stuff that I saw. And all of tv, like, the stuff that I saw that was worth grabbing.
Hell’s Kitchen
Since every episode of Hell’s Kitchen is essentially the same – self-absorbed chefs get yelled at by another self-absorbed chef and then someone gets kicked off; gross, undercooked food is made, served, and sent back by irate customers; every shitty cook says that they’re not the shittiest cook – I won’t bother recapping the first four episodes of the show. But, here are my thoughts on a few of the contestants so far:
This guy is probably Michael Bolton from Office Space.
This woman really bugs me.
This woman probably thinks she’s Edie Falco.
And this guy, who’s been living in America since he was a child and still has an incredibly thick Italian accent (which he says he “kept for the womans”) and speaks in horribly broken English is probably a con artist, at least according to my brother. Either that, or he’s Luigi from The Simpsons.
Plus, they played a Price is Right style game to pick ingredients which involved a giant Scattergories die, which I am jealous of.
And, I’m always nervous at the end of each episode, because Gordon Ramsay slams the eliminated chef’s jacket onto a sharp hook and I think one day he might slip and push his palm right through that thing.
Glee
The glee club lost at the big regionals competition. But not before they sang a medley of Journey songs including Don’t Stop Believing (good), Lovin’ Touchin’ Squeezin’ (BARF), Anyway You Want It (eh), and Faithfully. My sister said once that she would have Faithfully play at her wedding if her wedding was going to be a circus theme. There’s a verse about circuses and clowns or whatever. So, anyway, she had this whole thing worked out where she would have this embarrassing romantic circus themed wedding (probably after she’s already been divorced a few times) with acrobats and clowns and lots of purple leotards and stuff.
Like, Cirque du Soleil, but with a wedding going on underneath. And at the wedding, they will play Faithfully. So, please don’t steal her idea, because once she finds her perfect match on eharmony, she’s going to make this happen and we’re hoping TLC will want to film it.
Work of Art
Work of Art is a new show on Bravo. It’s like Project Runway, but for artists. Which is just as stupid as it sounds, because, for instance, in the found art sculpture challenge, they put this one woman who’s a painter in the bottom three because she seemed out of her element. And, like, on Project Runway, they’re all women’s clothing designers (or at least aspire to be), so the playing field is leveled there. Obviously there will be people more comfortable with gowns and people more comfortable with active wear and those people will be scrambling a little when it comes to designing something opposite from what they’re used to. But, the challenges on Work of Art, where they make artists used to one medium work in a medium they have no experience/possibly no interest in, is sort of like that one challenge on Project Runway a few years ago where they made all the womenswear designers make a suit for Tiki Barber.
Anyway, the show has its own Tim Gunn named Simone to encourage all the artists, and he TALKS like THIS with randomly PUNCTUATED words in EACH sentence.
It also has this guy Miles (left) who’s won the two first challenges by making concrete buttholes? I don’t know. It’s art or whatever. And this guy Abdi (second from right) who made a sculpture of a kid playing a video game with a tv for a head, and I thought it was derivative or ART WORD OR WHATEVER, but what the fuck do I know, because the judges thought it was amazing. But, then again, they also thought the concrete buttholes were amazing. Art.
And this woman Judith (left) who made a bunch of garbage. But at least the judges knew it was a bunch of garbage and almost kicked her out. The guy they did kick out, Trong (third from left) made his found art sculpture too insider-art-worldy, which I thought those art world people liked, but apparently they hate because I guess it was so insider-art-worldy that they didn’t get it. Whoops! Bye, Trong!
Oh, and also, this woman? Peregrine? That name has got to be made up, right? But, anyway, she loves hardware stores more than anything. Hardware stores and makeup. I mean…
Stacey McGill had that shit on lock in 1992. “I just love hardware stores. Next to Bloomingdale’s, there’s no place I’d rather be.” Thief! Art thief! I hope she goes home next. I hope Ann M. Martin shows up and sues her for plagiarism. I hope the chick who used to play Stacey on the Babysitters Club Series, who is now a lawyer, is the one who represents AMM.
Drop Dead Diva
Speaking of lawyers, Drop Dead Diva is this show on Lifetime where a young blond model died in a car crash and accidentally came back to earth in the body of a fat old lawyer. Well, she’s not really old. She’s in her thirties. But, she’s fat! That’s why it’s so topsy turvy. But, anyway, she has the model’s memories but mixed with the lawyer’s intellect, so she’s able to still be a lawyer and everything, but she sort of acts like the model? It sounds like a terrible show, but it’s actually pretty good. Plus, the lawyer’s name is Jane, and I don’t totally hate her, so there’s that. It just started its second season, so we’re on episode number, I don’t know 14 at this point?
Bitch cries in seriously every episode. Like, more than Pa on Little House.
The Tudors
Since putting Jonathan Rhys Meyers in a fat suit was apparently out of the question, the Tudors managed to keep Henry VIII looking pretty young for most of the series. But in the fourth season, they started to age him. His hair got longer and more gray, they gave him some wrinkles, and he started to limp more because of this old injury to his leg. But, his bff Charles Brandon, who’s the same age as him, has barely aged at all. Neither has his daughter Mary. Or his daughter Elizabeth, who seems to have been 13 for the past 20 years.
For reference, this is Henry’s bff Charles Brandon towards the beginning of the series.
And this is Henry in the beginning of the series.
And this is Charles at the end of the series, 30 years later. He looks a little like a cartoon bear, but not as bad as Henry.
Who now looks like this.
Like Rafiki.
He’s a really good actor, though, because now that he’s old, he talks like this:
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True Blood
True Blood returned for its third season, and we discovered that Bill (a vampire) for some reason puts his gf’s full name into his cell phone. Just in case he confuses her with the other Sookie? Anyway, he was kidnapped by werewolves in a storyline I am already (after only two episodes) SO OVER. On this show, vampire blood is a really in-demand drug, so the werewolves decide to drain him and do some of his blood on the way to where they have to take him.
Ugh. Drug culture. See? It’s the sharing. It’s gross.
Anyway, the werewolves are part of an ancient Nazi pack and there are vampires that were also Nazis?
Sorry. I mean, the werewolves are Nazi werewolves or something and the vampires pretended to be in the SS in WWII so they could find them or whatever? I don’t know. Nazis? Really?
Meanwhile, speaking of the Tudors, this guy played Thomas Cromwell, who was eventually executed for his involvement in a marriage that Henry VIII eventually found disadvantageous for him (because he thought she smelled bad, but it turned out to just be his disgusting ulcerous leg, and no I’m not making that up) and also something something other things whatever. But now he is on True Blood, playing a werewolf (I think?) who may or may not be a Nazi, but is definitely the ugliest werewolf/vampire/whatever ever, and I used to watch Buffy.
See?
Ghost Hunters Academy
My sister and I always watch ghost hunting/ghost story shows with our dad, and one of our favorites is Ghost Hunters. Ghost Hunters eventually spun off to Ghost Hunters International and Ghost Hunters Academy. GHI blows, but GHA rules, because it’s a bunch of nerds trying desperately to get a spot on Ghost Hunters, being forced to nervously investigate places on camera while two of the stars of Ghost Hunters watch them. It’s like student teaching, but worse, because ghost hunting is stupid.
This season has some pretty nerdy creeps, but last season was great, because this one prospective ghost hunter from New Jersey (whose name was Jane. Boo!) kept crying every time they told her she did something wrong, to distract them from being mad at her. So, they were trying to figure out what to do with her, and they were like, “Is there something really wrong with her? Why is she creating so much drama?”
So, we were like, “She’s from New Jersey, why do you think she’s creating so much drama?” And then one of the hosts, Dave Tango, who’s from New Jersey (I mean, obviously, like, I didn’t even have to say that. You can just tell by his face he’s from New Jersey.), was like, “Yeah, she’s from Jersey. Of course she’s creating drama,” and we were like, “We’re sayin’!” And that’s that story.
The Bachelorette
I’ve never seen the Bachelorette, but on the ads for it (which I see frequently, since it’s on the same network as All My Children), I kept hearing this one man’s voice which sounded like he was sucking on some garble lozenges. And I thought I was hearing things wrong, or that my ears were blocked up or something, but apparently not:
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He gets the Worst Voice Rose.
You know who else gets the Worst Voice Rose? The Bachelorette herself, for doing this:
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when one of the bachelors brought her chicken soup because she was “sick”.
This show gets the Worst Show Rose.
Nurse Jackie
Sam (who sort of kind of won our last Google Guy Fight because he’s way hot) thought he’d take pity on Dr. Cooper and hang out with him for the night, because Dr. Cooper was feeling bummed that he was a loser with no friends.
Dr. Cooper thanked him by sleeping with Sam’s girlfriend. Repeatedly. So, Sam came to work sad that his gf broke up with him, and Dr. Cooper was like, “Don’t be sad, because she told me that she thought your profession was stupid and that she’d rather date a doctor, and I know this because I slept with her and she told me while we were having sex,” because Dr. Cooper’s kind of an idiot.
So, Sam punched him in the face. Also, Jackie something something whatever, she was super annoying this season. Let’s look at Sam some more.
True Beauty
Ugh, this show. It’s so effing awful, I couldn’t continue watching it. And the only reason I started watching it after I spent all last season wondering why the hell I was watching it then, is because I thought maybe they had become smarter and realized that the rules of this show make absolutely no sense. But, they didn’t. The rules are exactly the same. And you know why? Because Tyra Banks is running this show. She doesn’t know how to learn from mistakes, because she is the worst.
Basically, a bunch of idiots signed up for the “Face of Vegas” competition, but the real competition is who is the best person inside and out. So, the house is outfitted with hidden cameras, and every challenge they go on, they encounter some opportunity to be a good person (help someone find something in the garbage, not reveal a friend’s secret to the media, not steal something from a store), and the judges are supposed to decide who will become the Face of Vegas as a person who’s truly beautiful on the inside and the outside. But these effing morons still haven’t figured out that if you set up “beauty” challenges (so the contestants still think it’s a beauty contest) and you let the worst people win (the ones who steal, the ones who lie and cheat, the ones who say awful things to and about others) based solely on their looks so there’s no chance for them to be eliminated, you’re going to be stuck with people in the bottom who don’t necessarily deserve to go home based on the ridiculous idea of a “true beauty”. I mean, one guy’s example of “ugly behavior” included saying that he thought this one girl in the house was mean to everybody. But she is! And she stole! And she revealed the secret to the media! And she didn’t help the person find their engagement ring in the garbage! She is a bad person, and he was stating a fact!
Anyway, Vanessa Minnillo is still the host of the show, but she doesn’t reveal herself until the very end, when someone’s being eliminated. But, she does it in this way where she walks out and says
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so that the eliminated contestant will be like, “Oh, snap! I’m on True Beauty??” But, like, NOBODY FUCKING KNOWS WHO VANESSA MINNILLO IS! When you google the name Vanessa, she doesn’t even come up as a suggestion. When you google Vanessa M, she’s still not at the top of the list. She’s some guy who’s not even that famous either’s (former?) girlfriend. She hosted a show on MTV that nobody even knows was ever hosted by anyone other than Carson Daly, and he’s not even famous anymore. Oh, and she hosted last season of True Beauty. Which, besides my dad, mom, sister, and me and possibly maybe two other people NOBODY WATCHED.
So, when she reveals herself, she’s always met with this reaction:
Which is probably the reaction she gets every time she walks in the room. “Huh? She looks… sort of familiar? I don’t know. She probably just reminds me of somebody else.” I wouldn’t have such a problem with her thinking she’s famous enough to get a reaction out of people if she wasn’t SO self righteous about this whole “true beauty” idea. I mean, really, Vanessa Minnillo? I don’t know ANYTHING about you, but I think that if you were the nicest, most considerate, most truly beautiful person in the world, I probably would have gotten that memo. Like, on Fox News or something.
I mean, the succession of awful bitch faces she makes at the eliminated contestants as she explains to them that they’re ugly on the inside is more than enough to revoke her beautiful card.
Exactly. Exactly, Tyra. That’s where your name belongs: next to a dumpster. Because all you know how to make is garbage shows.
All My Children
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Presented without commentary, because I am a beautiful person.
And finally, The Real Housewives of New Jersey
Um… No. This is gonna need its own post.
