Just because Lost is over doesn’t mean it’s over over. I mean, it does, but it doesn’t mean the Bonus Content has to end. Welcome to Lost: Bonus Summer, where we check out what the Lost ppl are up to now that they’re off the island (/in heaven).

This week: Animals, starring Naveen Andrews.

Sayid is an animal man or whatever. Like, an angry man who’s also an animal? Located in Reno? He uses the word “cunting” as an adjective.

And his gf seems really confused by cigarettes.

Anyway, Sayid wants his gf Nora to put on her cunting wig and go find some Reno bozos to lure into a parking garage so he can eat them.

I wasn’t aware that guys out for a good time in Reno that involves stealing a limo and filming a possible prostitute went for the preppy sweater tied over the shoulders look.

It doesn’t go too well. I mean, actually, it goes fine, but Sayid only got to eat one bozo and not two because Nora let one of them get away. Her heart’s not into being an animal woman or something and Sayid is like, “I love you, animal wolf people who aren’t really technically werewolves mate for life,” and she’s like, “This cigarette is burning on one end,” and Sayid’s like, “Let me take another swig from the 3 gallon bottle of whiskey I have in the car with me, so you can tell I’m definitely irredeemable,” and Nora’s like, “I”m going to run away.”

She winds up in a bar and dances sexily to a country song with Marc Blucas, who takes her home so she can have bitey sex with him.

And then she’s like, “Can I move in with you?” and he’s like, “Yeah, okay.” No, really. That’s actually what happens. Btw, this was supposed to be an erotic thriller, right? So I was prepared for there to be awful softcore erotic thriller sex scenes. But they turned out to be really weird, like, people laying on top of each other and not moving. Like, the way my Barbies used to have sex? Except they’d lay on top of each other for a moment and then get under the covers side by side, because that’s what the people on All My Children did.

I mean, this was the most movement that occurred. And she was turning into an animal person at the time. There were plenty of thrusting sounds, which weren’t pleasant. But, no actual thrusting movements. Which is weird. Pleasantly weird.

Anyway, the next night, Nora goes out and kills some guy and cooks up his foot or something for breakfast.

Which Blucas thinks is delicious, because she bit him so he’s becoming an animal human, too? Then they have an enormous fight and she’s like, “You don’t appreciate all the human feet I’ve cooked for you in the last six hours of our relationship!” and then he drives her in the rain to this alleyway and he’s like, “I’m going to have improbable dirty alleyway sex with you out in the rain,” and she’s like, “Fine. Make lots of noise, but PLEASE DON’T MOVE!”

These two!

Meanwhile, Sayid has been hunting Nora down and he ends up at a convenience store where he kills the clerk, who definitely got the job because the script called for “Ana Faris, but only if she’ll work for free”. I don’t really know why, though, because he showed her a picture of Nora and she’s like, “Yeah, I’ve seen her,” and he’s like, “Where did she go?” and she’s like, “How would I know?” and then he kills her for ignoring him to go back to her phone call. But, like, how would she know? The information you get from convenience store clerks when you show them a photo of a person you’re hunting usually begins and ends with, “Yeah, I seen her.” Bing bang. Maybe he was hungry.

At the bar, Blucas starts to transform into an animal man, and then stares up at the light for a while.

And the only reason I can think of that he would do that is because the director thought it looked like a face. He now has animal vision!

Which looks like regular vision with cataracts. Not convenient. Sayid shows up and takes Nora away, but then he comes back and kills Blucas’s friend/bar owner.

Blucas’s new animal powers help him to stumble to the car to try to save his friend.

But, then Sayid blows the car up. Someone should smack Sayid on the nose, amiright?

The next day or whatever, Blucas’s other friend Jane (boo! stop stealing my name for your dumb movie!) comes over to grieve their friend and Blucas is like, “You couldn’t possibly understand what I’m going through,” and then Jane’s like, “I do understand,” but you have to picture her saying it like a robot, because Eva Amurri has a completely monotone voice. Anyway, Blucas is like, “You weren’t there,” and Jane’s like, “I know you’re healing quickly robot voice,” and Blucas is like, “Let’s go open our dead friend’s bar and tend bar.”

Now they are a couple, and they go to her cabin and have slow, acoustic-guitar backed non-moving sex. And they also have this weird narration-conversation where Jane is like, “I’m also an animal lady and the other animal lady and animal gentleman are bad but I’m good or whatever, but this is a narration conversation so you’re only gonna half remember it,” and then Blucas is like, “Did you hear something?”

Meanwhile, Sayid takes Nora back to his place and rapes her and then locks her in a cage in the floor and then goes out creeping? But Nora somehow gets out of the floor cage and kills the girl that Sayid was into.

Sayid finds her dead in the bathroom.

And then Nora throws him out of the window and onto a spiked fence. Whoops!

She goes and finds Blucas and Jane, who are taking a post-non-moving-sex drive.

And then she turns into an animal girl.

And then they put her in blackface, or…? Anyway, she and Jane, who also turns into an animal person, fight each other and Jane kills Nora.

Blucas takes Jane to the hospital, and she’s like, “You have to get me blood from someone of my own kind,” and I’m like, “Why don’t you turn around and get blood from Nora?” and Blucas is like, “Who put soap all over these windows?”

So, I guess, like, animal persons can be killed because Nora was killed, but somehow Sayid is still alive? Anyway, he finds Nora and he’s all, like, Sayid about it.

And then he’s like, “Oh, shit, is this Nora? Because if it’s not, that would be really embarrassing.”

And then he’s like, “Gotta sneeze!”

And then he’s like, “MANIMAL!”

And then he’s like, “Bored now.” Anyway, he goes off to the hospital to kill Jane for killing Nora, but Blucas has already taken Jane to some warehouse somewhere.

I really like that this nurse is just like, “Okay, I’ll shush.”

Anyway, Blucas is supposed to battle Sayid and take his heart out so Jane can live, I guess, but he’s not sure if he can turn into an animal yet. Sayid shows up and starts bashing Jane’s head against a rock and then Blucas is like, “Stop! I’m kind of an animal man now!” and Sayid is like, “Well, can you FLY?????” and he throws Blucas through the roof. But he can, so Sayid is like, “Well, I guess you can.” Then something something Blucas does turn into an animal and Sayid does, too, and, like, are you ready for this?

This is what they look like. THIS! THIS IS WHAT THEY LOOK LIKE! Like hologram stickers of Splinter! Not scary!

At all! Why do they go back and forth between being werelightwolves and being themselves with big jaws?

Why did a thirty second scene go by where nobody fixed Sayid’s jacket that was caught up on the wires?

Why does Blucas have blood on his teeth when he never bit anybody?

Anyway, Blucas kills Sayid and he takes his heart and gives Jane some heart juice.

And then they have a soft focus walk through the woods and another narration conversation where Blucas’s voice over is like, “Wait, I’m a half-WHAT-half-man???”

Next up: Matthew Fox in the first episode of Party of Five.