Just because Lost is over doesn’t mean it’s over over. I mean, it does, but it doesn’t mean the Bonus Content has to end. Welcome to Lost: Bonus Summer, where we check out what the Lost ppl are up to now that they’re off the island (/in heaven).

First up: The Stepfather.

No, like, The Stepfather, the movie, not just the Stepfather, the man. So, the Stepfather killed his family and then shaved off his beard and put in contacts and moved one town over and nobody can find him. He’s now married with a teenage stepdaughter Stephanie, but she thinks he’s weird and creepy.

I mean, he may not be into violent leaf fights, but, he likes lots of normal things.

Making people uncomfortable.

Woodworking.

Watching Mr. Ed.

Boning.

A lot.

Making emotional speeches at parties.

And origami.

But Stephanie’s interests include art and fighting.

So they are at odds.

Anyway, the Stepfather is really bad at keeping his identities straight like when he tells this little girl he’s trying to sell a house to, “My daughter Stephanie is the best. You should really meet Jill,” and the little girl is like, “Who’s Jill???” and the Stepfather is like, “Jill is my daughter. Stephanie.”

He also spends a lot of time alone telling himself to keep it together.

Anyway, Stephanie’s seeing a therapist and he keeps trying to get her to accept the Stepfather already, but she whines in this creepy baby voice that he’s actually the worst.

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So, he offers to talk to the Stepfather for her, and sets up a fakey appointment to look at a house the Stepfather is selling. Then he hangs up the phone and contemplates his fakey appointment. For a long time.

Meanwhile, Stephanie saw an article in the newspaper about a man who had killed his family and disappeared and she writes to the newspaper to get a photo of him because she’s pretty sure that it will be the Stepfather. And, like, good instincts and everything, but what? Anyway, the Stepfather gets the mail and sees the photo of himself and has another basement freakout.

And then replaces the photo with this photo. I am wondering where he found a readily available 8×10 of a strange man.

Later, he goes to the real estate appointment and talks to the therapist who tries to pump him for information using the famous therapy technique of making fun of things the Stepfather likes. “Families are crap!” But, then he slips up and tells the Stepfather that he’s married, so he’s not very good at this. The Stepfather kills him with a 2×4 and then looks at his id to discover that he’s Stephanie’s therapist.

So, he brings him to a cliff and puts him in a car and pushes it over the edge.

But I think someone should have told the actor who played the therapist that dead people can’t steer.

Anyway, the Stepfather goes home and tells Stephanie that her therapist is dead and she starts crying and then he says that it’s great, though, because his death brought them closer together. And I would say, “Too soon,” but Stephanie’s kind of an idiot, so she agrees and they become instant bffs.

She doesn’t even bother to point out that strange tan patch stuck to his shirt.

She also now has a bf. Don’t these kids know that horseplay always leads to kissing?

And kissing leads right to rape, according to the Stepfather. Stephanie gets pissed and her mother is like, “You blew it, old man.”

And the Stepfather is like, “Oh, okay. Now I’m going to kill you guys.”

So, he quits his job at the real estate agency. Then he gets on a ferry and gives himself a fake mustache and puts on glasses and takes off his wig. And he goes to another town and gets a job selling life insurance.

Life insurance faces.

Meanwhile, Stephanie goes to the doctor’s office to see a new therapist (and that is such a doctor’s office from the 80s).

But when she opens the door to see this woman, she’s like, “Cured!” She wanders into her dead therapist’s office to poke around at his stuff, and finds out from his doodle pad that he had an appointment with the Stepfather.

I’m more interested in what that thing with the hat is supposed to be. Anyone?

Meanwhile, the brother/uncle of the last family the Stepfather murdered was in Europe for nine months and apparently never thought to call any relatives, because he just found out that his sister and nieces and nephews are all dead. So, David enlists the help of the journalist who wrote about the story when it happened to write a follow up story and run a photo. He thinks that the Stepfather probably didn’t go very far and that someone in the area will be able to identify him. So, the guy writes the story, but the newspaper editor doesn’t run the photo.

So, they rumble.

Then David goes to talk to the cops, which would have been my first stop, but whatever. And the cop is like, “We have zero leads in this case. But if I were you, I would get a gun and blow the son of a bitch away.” And, I mean, okay, but you have zero leads, so getting a gun isn’t gonna help, right? I mean, right?

Or. Okay. He also goes to the marriage office (you know, the marriage office) to find out what marriage certificates were issued in the last year.

Yikes.

Then he ends up at this strange couple’s house where he’s accused of being a cab driver the wife was having an affair with (?) and he’s like, “Ignore! Look at this photo! Who is it??” and they’re like, “The guy who sold us our house!” and he’s like, “Getting in my car and tearing out of here!” and I’m like, “Wait, what? How did you know to talk to these people?”

The Stepfather, meanwhile, has been pretending to go to work every day and his wife has just discovered that he quit. So, he’s like, “The secretary forgot my name! What a dingbat. How hard is it to forget the name Arnold, or whatever?” and his wife is like, “Wait, isn’t your name Stepfather?” and he’s like, “Who am I here?” and then he bashes his wife’s head with the phone. And throws her in the basement. And stabs her a few times.

David shows up at the house, but it looks like all the time at the gun range didn’t pay off, because he gets killed immediately.

Then the Stepfather goes after Stephanie, who stabs him in the arm.

And the wife, who isn’t dead, finds David’s gun and shoots the Stepfather four times. Which doesn’t kill him.

And then Stephanie stabs him and he’s like, “Boohoo.” He’s not dead, though. There’s a sequel.

Hey, you know what the best reaction to a random dead man in your living room, your mother and you almost dying, and having just killed another person is?

Next up: Naveen Andrews stars as, like, an animal-man or something in Animals.