peep*blog » blogging all of tv: vol. 6

blogging all of tv: vol. 6 30May10

This is Blogging All of TV for the weeks of May 16th and 23rd. I mean, all of tv, like, the stuff that I saw. And all of tv, like, the stuff that I saw that was worth grabbing.

Previously on tv…

Real Housewives of New Jersey

After Danielle’s 14-year-old daughter got a modeling contract and, despite the fact that they’re not currently very friendly, her still-sort-of friend Jaqueline sent Danielle’s daughter a bouquet of roses and a note to say congratulations. So, Danielle called her and left a message to say thank you because she thought it was a totally sweet gesture. But, then, she asked her 11-year-old (completely uninterested) daughter if she thought that Jaqueline had purposely not answered the phone because she saw that Danielle was calling. The 11-year-old said, “She’s probably busy. She’s a normal person. People get busy.” Which reminded me of a neon green bracelet I had gotten when I was in 3rd grade that said, “Let’s Get Busy” on it, which is weird now that I think of it. But, anyway, after that completely obvious advice from her daughter, Danielle decided that Jaqueline shouldn’t be sending congratulatory roses to her daughter because she doesn’t know Danielle’s daughter, and then she called Jaqueline again and left another message saying that she thought she was a jerk for congratulating Danielle’s 14-year-old daughter, who she doesn’t know. I bet Danielle kept those roses for herself and threw away the card. And when her daughter was like, “Who are the roses from/for?” Danielle was like, “Just someone congratulating me for having a daughter who got a modeling contract.”

Anyway, meanwhile, her daughter got a job walking in a show at fashion week. (And ps, I love that such a huge deal was made out of both Danielle and Theresa’s daughters getting jobs walking in fashion week, when they were walking in shows adjacent to Mercedes Benz fashion week. Like, the actual NYC fashion week is the sponsored one in the tents. Smaller designers have shows around the city during that particular calendar week to capitalize on it, but these girls weren’t really in one of the big shows. Not that their getting modeling jobs at 8 and 14 isn’t nice for them, but their parents making such a big deal of them walking in “the biggest thing in fashion” was kind of stupid.) But then she got sick from standing up on the stage for so long. Danielle, predictably, was more concerned that her daughter would still be able to book jobs.

Me, too.

Gossip Girl

Um, ew.

Brothers & Sisters

So, I’ve never seen this show before, but I guess on the season finale, every single member of the family got into one big car accident?

Right? Right, Rob Lowe?

True Life

True Life: I’m a Newlywed featured a couple who were going to have their first kiss on their wedding day. I mean, it was going to be awkward and weird anyway, but it was made worse by the fact that the minister made a big deal speech about their “sexual purity” and, like, invited everyone to lean in and get a good look at these two kiss each other for the first time, and Sal and I kept thinking, like, “Why are you taking such a vested interest in these two kissing, you creepy old man?”

Also, the groom, while waiting for the wedding to start, practiced on the air.

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After they were married, the bride told another couple that Jesus is now happy that they’re having sex. And that she could sit around without a shirt on (but with, like, jeans, I guess?) when her husband comes home and no one can say anything. I mean, no, I guess they couldn’t. Except for, like, “Why are you doing that?”

Glee

Last week on Glee, the teacher and a former classmate sang a duet of Dream On.

But, who cares, because one time on American Idol, this (annoying) contestant named Danny Gokey sang Dream On during “rock ‘n’ roll” week, and made this sound:

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Also last week on Glee, Artie sang Dream a Little Dream of Me from his wheelchair while he watched his girlfriend tap dance with another guy. And I guess you were supposed to be thinking about how hard it is for Artie to know that he’ll never be able to dance even though he liked to dance and his gf likes to dance, but there are other guys in the Glee club that like to dance and can dance and maybe they’ll steal her away because dancing is a deal-breaker, but all I could think about was Richard Simmons and the Silver Foxes.

Because a million years ago, my sister and I saw an infomercial for this video, featuring Farrah Fawcett, Richard Simmons, and Sylvester Stallone’s moms and Dustin Hoffman and Al Pacino’s dads shuffling around slowly to songs like 76 Trombones and Dream a Little Dream of Me, which we can now not listen to without lifting our arms slowly above our heads and then back down again.

Party Down

In case you were wondering, this is what Steve Guttenberg’s hair looks like.

Jimmy Kimmel Live: Aloha to Lost

After the Lost finale, Jimmy Kimmel had a bunch of the actors on to discuss the show and also to film a bunch of completely unfunny “alternate endings”.

But clearly the best part was watching the audience watch the finale, and seeing them cry. Which was, again, ruined by Jimmy Kimmel who pointed to the ONE GUY in the audience WITHOUT tears on his face and said, “This guy was crying the whole time.” It’s not funny if it’s true for everyone else in the room, JK.

The Tyra Show

Tyra is moving on from her life’s ambition (HER LIFE’S AMBITION) to be the next Oprah so that she can “write” “books” about witch models or something. I was going to watch the final episode, but then I saw the ad for it.

And when I saw that she considers her interviews with the vampire from Twilight and Jimmy Fallon to be her most memorable…

And that her never-before-seen footage included two clips I have seen before, I decided that I had better things to do on Friday afternoon. I think I played the game Turbo Pizza for half an hour and then I stared at the wall.

However! I did see a clip of the show where an audience member asked Tyra if any guests had ever shown an interest in her. So, Tyra tells this long ass story about how NICK CANNON took her out to dinner and she thought that NICK CANNON wasn’t into her, but he was, and then NICK CANNON went on to marry MARIAH CAREY, but she’ll never tell who that young famous man who was interested in older women who only recently got married to an older woman was. She’ll never tell. But, anyway, she told the story like a completely normal person.

First, she got up onto the arm of an easy chair with some random gentleman. Then she started talking like a 12-year-old valley girl all, “I thought he wanted to be my friend??? But he like liked me?????”

Then she said that she lifted her shirt up at the restaurant and told NICK CANNON that her stomach wasn’t flat and that 34-year-olds don’t have flat stomachs the way that 22-year-olds do (??) and that she was pretty sure he didn’t want to “rub up on that”.

Then she got all, “Ooh, honey child,” about it and said that he “done” married someone older than her.

And then she demonstrated how she managed to get away from the paparazzi. Good storytelling. Bye, Tyra! Good luck with your “writing” “career”.

American Idol

So, last week, the top three contestants got to go back to their hometowns and have parades and and stuff in their honor. This is one of the best episodes of any season, because you get to see all the bonkers people who are diehard fans of the contestants.

I especially like that girl in the neon green shirt, because she has American Girl Doll teeth.

And, it turns out, so does Lee.

The other great thing about the hometown visits is the fact that you get at least one contestant who turns out to be a total basketcase and cries at every stop. Not that I didn’t already know Lee was a basketcase, since he spent the first half of the season looking like he was going to throw up throughout every results show, and the second half of the season looking like he was gonna throw up while holding his fellow contestant Crystal’s hand.

But, yeah.

He freaked out.

But even better were his parents, who did this after Lee’s voice broke up with tears during his big concert.

Last week was also the big tv debut of some guy named Travis Garland. I still don’t really know who he is yet. He might be Perez Hilton’s bf? Or he’s just someone he discovered? But anyway, his song is kind of a garbage song, and I don’t remember a note of it after listening to it twice to get these pics.

That’s JWoww from Jersey Shore, right?

Or, she’s at least from Jersey, right?

And… Um. Anyway. So, I don’t know what the song’s about, but that Jersey girl was dance rejecting some guys.

And then she and Travis Garland stood on opposite sides of the stage, like they were going to run into each other’s arms.

But they walked sort of slowly near each other, and then they ran off together towards the stairs, but then he ran up the stairs and she just ran backstage? I don’t get the choreography.

And I don’t get why AI framed his performance like the sheet of school photos with the wallet sized ones attached to the side.

PS, this is a great way to end a song.

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Meanwhile, it was Simon Cowell’s final episode of American Idol (he’s moving on to bringing The X Factor to the US next season, which is basically American Idol with three less rules.), and they had a bunch of lame tributes to him over the course of the episode. Including a clip package where Simon screamed about something, but Simon’s scream sounds like someone honking the horn on a car from the 1920s.

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I also really like the final episode, because the contestants will start singing a song and then they’ll be like, “Please help me welcome to the stage, [the artist who originally sang this song]!!” and every time I get fooled. Because I’m not very bright. Like, “They’re singing Maneater, that’s coolOMGIT’SHALLANDOATES!” “Why is she singing Ironic, I hate this songOMGALANISMORISETTE!” “I mean, if they’re gonna sing a Janet Jackson song, she betterOMGJANET!” However, the lowlight of the guest sing alongs was when Crystal and Alanis were singing “You Oughta Know” and Crystal had to sing, “Is she perverted like me? Would she go down WITH you TO the theater?” PERVERTS!

But, anyway, finally somebody won, and it was Lee. Which is fine. This was one of those years where I really didn’t care one way or the other who won. But, I mean, again, Lee is a basketcase, and he still had not gotten over his whole throwing up thing. So, when Ryan was like, “Dim the lights and here we go!” (which is the completely embarrassing thing he says each week to signal that the results will be announced in a moment), Lee started breathing really heavily.