Get used to it.

You won’t be seeing this face again.

Now that Jack is the new Jacob he just thinks he can pee in whatever stream he wants to.

Anyway, everyone wants to know the plan and he’s like, “Oh, there’s a plan,” and they’re like, “What is it?” and he’s like, “It’s a plan.” So, he sends Sawyer off to the well to find Desmond and makes Kate and Hurley go with him to the Soul Hole.

But Sawyer’s found out pretty much immediately.

Like, his hiding place was amazing! Three feet away behind a scraggly bush! How did they do it?? Anyway, Sawyer finds out that Desmond’s gone anyway, and he goes back to find Jack and the others.

Desmond, meanwhile, was found by Rose and Bernard (boo!), and Rose is like, “Now that you’re awake, you can leave, because I want No More Drama, even though I live on a drama island,” and Bernard’s like, “I’m gonna go pick some berries,” but Bernard’s an idiot, and he gets caught by the Smokefather, who’s there to take Desmond away.

On the way to find Jack, the Smokefather hears a noise and he turns around all, “Who farted?”

Meanwhile, Miles finds Richard and also plucks Richard’s first gray hair, so I guess the time limit on his immortality ran out.

They also find UCP floating in the ocean and he’s like, “Hey, guys, do you want to go fly that plane outta here?” and Miles is like, “Really, UCP? How we gonna do that?” and UCP is like, “In case you forgot… I’m a pilot! HAR HAR HAR!” and Miles claps him on the back and is like, “That was a good one, UCP!” and Richard’s like, “Wait. A gray hair?”

Meanwhile, Jack and the Smokefather meet up and they’re like, “I know what you’re gonna do,” “Well, I know what you’re gonna do,” but they don’t clue us in, so. I mean, they’re going to the Soul Hole, I know that much. Then Jack is like, “When we get to the Soul Hole, I’m gonna kill you.” And the Smokefather’s like, “How do you plan to do that?” and Jack is like, “It’s a surprise,” and the Smokefather’s like, “OK.” Actual dialogue. Good job, Lost.

They get to the Soul Hole and the Smokefather and Jack tie a rope around Desmond’s waist and Desmond tells Jack that he’s gonna be fine, because as soon as he fixes the island, he’s going to be transported off to heaven or whatever, and Jack is a big mopey baby about it and is like, “I don’t like heaven,” and Desmond’s like, “Fine! Still smiling! Ting! TING TING TING!”

Um, I don’t know. He goes down there and pulls out a drain plug and then the whole cave goes dark and it starts raining outside and, like, I don’t know how Desmond knew to do this, or how Jack or the Smokefather knew for him to do this, and I don’t know what they assumed what was going to happen when it happened and, I mean, shouldn’t Desmond have turned into a Smoke Monster? And shouldn’t the world now be over since the light is blocked out?

The Smokefather seems to think that this is result he was hoping for, but it might be another one of those things where he’s just like, “I…yeeeeeah. That’s exactly what I was expecting.” Desmond’s still down there screaming and he won’t come back up, so Jack follows the Smokefather outside and punches him in the face.

Which smears his lipstick. Then they go to the cliffs and Jack jumps down the cliff, like, 40 feet.

Like, maniac-style. And the Smokefather definitely could have just stepped aside and let Jack go flying. Anyway, I guess taking that drain plug out of the Soul Hole bathtub turned Jack and the Smokefather mortal again, so Jack tries to kill him, but the Smokefather stabs him in the side and almost stabs him in the neck, but Kate shows up and shoots the Smokefather. Dead!

Meanwhile, Miles is at the plane with Richard and UCP and he definitely radios to them that “The Penis” is getting the plane working, but they’re leaving, so anyone who wants to come has to come fast. Kate and Sawyer go, but Hugo and Ben stay behind with Jack to help him go put the plug back in or whatever. Kate and Sawyer also find Mountain Claire, who tries to stay behind because she’s crazy, and then Kate is like, “You’re only pretend crazy, because your hair is so dirty,” and then Claire’s like, “Oh, okay, let’s go.”

Back at the Soul Hole, Jack makes Hurley the new Jacob, which makes Hurley and me and everyone else cry. When Jack gets down inside the Soul Hole, he starts to send Desmond back up and then he’s like, “You took that plug out of that hole? Is that what you did?” and I’m like, “How did you not know that’s what he did since you sent him down there to do exactly that?”

Jack plugs the drain back up and gives it about two seconds before he cries about the fact that it didn’t work. And then three seconds later, the light starts coming back and electrocutes the happiest Jack ever.
Outside, Hurley doesn’t like his new job because it sucks and Ben is like, “You know how Jacob ran things? Like a jerk? You know how he was kind of a jerk? You don’t have to be a jerk, since Jacob made up all his own rules anyway,” and then Hurley offers him a job. And then everyone cries again.

Back in LA, Desmond goes to a church where Jack’s father’s body is being dropped off and he’s like, “That’s the coffin for Christian Shephard.”

And Kate’s like, “Christian SHEPHARD? I am so high right now.”

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.

At the hospital, it turns out that Juliette is Jack’s ex-wife, like, no duh. She comes to perform an ultrasound on Sun, and as she’s doing it, Sun and Jin both remember their lives on the island.

And Jin cries.

And Sun cries. And I cry. And then Juliette’s like, “Hey, your English is great,” and ruins the mood for everyone.

Meanwhile, Hugo’s been driving Sayid around, who’s like, “Throw your clothes on the floor, I’m gonna take my clothes off, tooooo.” Hugo keeps trying to make Sayid remember that they know each other, but Sayid doesn’t get it, until they get to this elaborately staged fight outside of a bar.

Where Sayid finds a garbage slut (tm Laura Lee) named Shannon. And then they both remember each other, and Shannon cries.

And Sayid’s like, “I’m gonna bone you.”

And Boone’s like, “Can we leave? I don’t want to watch my sister have sex in a pile of garbage.”

And Hurley’s like, “I’m following Desmond’s orders, and Desmond ordered me to watch.”

So, they’re at the concert that Eloise had planned and Daniel looks exactly like Leprechaun (you know, from the movie Leprechaun). Charlie’s up on stage and sees Claire in the audience and stares at her, but Claire’s like, “Who, me? Someone behind me?”

And Desmond gets SO PISSED that she doesn’t immediately get it. Anyway, she starts to go into labor and Kate follows her backstage.

But so does Charlie, who’s like, “I’m in the band. I just came to watch you give birth.”

Anyway, the baby comes fast, and while Kate delivers him, she and Claire remember being on the island.

And Claire cries.

And Charlie brings over a blanket and he cries.

And Kate cries. And, I mean, DUH, I cry. And then the baby cries a LOT because he’s like, “This is a moment, Kate. Please leave.”

Anyway, elsewhere, the Stepfather goes to have his surgery and he asks Jack if anything could go wrong, and Jack’s like, “I could kill you! Ha? HAHA?”

After the surgery, the Stepfather wakes up immediately and tells Jack he can already move his feet, and Jack is like, “No, you can’t. Impossible. Go back to sleep, sleepyhead.” But, anyway, he does move his feet and then he starts to remember his life on the island, including…

The time he creeped Kate out by smiling at her with an orange in his mouth while she sadly stole shoes off a dead woman’s feet? Good times.

Anyway, he cries.

And Jack does not cry. Because Jack doesn’t get it.

Saywer goes to see the Kwons to tell them he heard Sayid escaped from jail.

And they’re like, “Oh, hi… *snicker snicker*… detective.” And Sawyer’s like, “…Yeah, hi.” And they’re like, “See you there!” and Sawyer’s like, “SEE ME WHERE????????” Weirdo.

At the vending machines, he runs into Juliette, and they both remember being on the island.

And Juliette cries.

And Sawyer cries. And I don’t cry, because a) no babies involved (Sawyer doesn’t count this time), and b) it’s Sawyer. Ew.

Anyway, Jack gets to the concert super late and Kate comes up to him and touches his face and he starts remembering stuff, but then he’s like, “Woah. Woah. WOAH! What’s happening to me?” And Kate’s like, “Really? Jack. Really? You’re such a moron.”

Everyone gathers at the church where Jack’s dad’s coffin was delivered. Ben hangs out outside and says he’s not ready to come in yet. I think he’s waiting for Alex, who’s also not ready yet, but then again, what the hell do I know?

Anyway, he tells the Stepfather he’s sorry for everything, and the Stepfather forgives him.

And then Hugo comes out and tells him that it was great working with him when they were on the island.

Inside, Jack goes to see his father’s body, but as soon as he touches the coffin, he remembers everything. And his father’s there to explain to him that Jack’s dead and so is everyone else.

And Jack cries. And I have something in my eye and it’s anger because I thought his father was trying to say that the plane crash had no survivors and nothing on the island happened, like, it might as well just be it was all a dream by baby Jack, or like, “mermaids”, kwim? But, then I think that Christian was really saying that everything that happened on the island happened and that everything in bizarro LA was fake, like, an invention of their dead minds as a means to get them all back together so they could all go off to heaven or whatever together? Like, I think that’s what he was saying? That they all died whenever they died (at different times), but they were all supposed to find each other again for the next life or whatever whatever and this was the way they all did it: to make up a fakey LA where they all had weirdo lives that could intertwine and connect them all again when they were all ready to leave?

So, then Jack went into the chapel and saw everyone from the island reunited and they were all hugging and having a party and talking about how this was way better than that stupid concert they had just been to.

And then I had something in my eye and it was lots and lots of tears because I might be a robot, but I’m a robot with a super reactive crying function and dead people reuniting is, you know, cry town.

And then Christian is like, “Everyone ready? I’m gonna go this way. You all look in wildly different direction, but be, like, ‘Wow, heaven’s amazing!’” and everyone’s like, “Wow, heaven’s amazing wherever it is!”

Back on the island, Jack was ejected from the Soul Hole and wakes up outside of it and then stumbles toward the bamboo field he landed in when the plane crashed. And then Vincent comes out of nowhere and lays down next to him, and he sees the plane that Miles, Sawyer, Kate, Mountain Claire, and the Penis were on flying overhead and he’s happy because he plugged that drain up and wove that loom and made everything go back to the way it was supposed to be.

And then he dies, and the final shot mirrors the first shot from the first episode, and I know this because I randomly decided to watch the pilot a few hours before the finale. I am lost no more! I mean, I’m kind of lost, because, like, I think there were a lot of questions that were left unanswered. But, considering I had no idea what those questions even meant mostly, I don’t care. I mean, it doesn’t seem like that was the point. The point seemed to be dead people and smiling and hugging and crying and whatever.

I mean, this is my last recap, so I don’t mind being a little less sarcastic. I always get sad at finales because the characters are not going to exist anymore. I mean, they essentially die on that last show, so a good finale puts that part into perspective, I think. It should be sad and I think it can be kind of schmaltzy and it can be a little overwrought, because you’re saying goodbye to people who may not be real but are part of real memories that are in your head, and something that takes up some of your time each week, but also creates conversations between you and your friends and you and yourself and is a shared experience between you and the rest of the viewers in the world. It might have been more satisfying in terms of the sci fi aspects of the show to have them, like, time travel or blow up the island or have the whole world implode or for the answer to really just have been “mermaids” or have the people in the sideways universe turn out to be evil twins. But that also would have been a very cold way to end the show. And even the nerdiest nerds out there in between their “WORST FINALE EVER” rants would probably have to admit to themselves that the thing everyone truly wants the most is to be with (or back with) the people they love. Sorry, back to being a robot now.

Good job, Lost. I mean, not the best job because a lot of your episodes were boring, but good job.

Bye, Lost!