No, really. Last week’s episode was so boring that I did ask what was up with Kate.
Everyone wants to kill the Smokefather and Jack tells them that they should probs go find Desmond, because Sayid told him to before he blew himself up. Sawyer is like, “Um, speaking of. Was that totally my fault?” and Jack’s like, “It was. I mean, don’t beat yourself up about it, but it was. I mean, it was 1% the Smokefather’s fault for putting a bomb in my backpack, and it was 1% my fault for being so stupid that no one would ever believe me saying that I figured something important out, and it’s 98% your fault for pulling the wires out of the bomb. But then it’s also an additional 2% your fault for hitting yourself on the head and negating any chance we had of saving Sun and therefore Jin, so it’s back to being 100% your fault.”
As they’re walking through the jungle, Hugo runs into obnoxious tween-Jacob who demands his ashes back and then turns into obnoxious adult-Jacob. Jacob asks Hugo to gather his friends because he wants to have a meeting with them, and I guess it takes him hours because suddenly it’s nighttime?
Kate’s still stank about this whole thing and wants to know if Sayid, Sun, and Jin died for nothing.
And Jacob’s like, “Really? Really, Kate? Really? Actually, my bad. They did. They actually died for no reason. Sorry.” He tells them that it was his duh for creating the smoke monster in the first place and that he needs to find a new caretaker for the stupid Thomas Kinkaid cave or everyone will die. He also brought them to the island because they all had boring lives or something? They ask him if the Smokefather can even be killed and he’s like, “Maybe?” This is such bullshit, guys. You know what’s not bullshit? The fact that Sawyer definitely said, “Tell me something Jacob. Why do I gotta be punished for your mistak-ob?”
Anyway, the job is up for grabs, because Jacob still has mommy issues, and everyone sort of sits on their hands and looks uncomfortably at the ground.
Except Jack, who’s like, “I’ve been looking to change careers. I’m frankly tired of looking at dur sacks all day.”
Everyone else is like, “Is this for real? Jack really is the dumbest person on the island.”
So, Jacob brings Jack to the Soul Hole and he’s like, “This is what you’ll be guarding,” and Jack is like, “…This? Um, how long is this job for again?” and Jacob’s like, “As long as you can do it,” and I’m like, “Misleading! Isn’t it, like, 2000 years or something?” So, Jack drinks whatever Jacob gives him and Jacob gives him a pat on the shoulder and tells him, “You’re now like me: smug,” and Jack’s like, “I can do smug all by myself,” and Jacob’s like, “You’re now like me: smug and immortal?” and Jack’s like, “Cool.”
Meanwhile, Richard, Ben, and Miles have been on their way to the vacation condos for, like, 100 days to get Ben’s stash of C4 for the plane, which is funny, because 100 days ago, nobody got on the plane and everyone got on a submarine and the submarine blew up. Anyway, Ben is acting like such a bitch about where he hid his C4. Like, everything’s in italics. When they get to the condo, they hear some rustling and come to the kitchen to see who’s there.
Boo! And she’s with Fauxstralian! Booooooo! He tells her to go out and, I don’t know, root around or something. They tell him that they were planning on blowing up the plane and Fauxstralian is like, “Whu? That plane has reeked with explosives for weeks!” What? He said “rigged?” What a great Australian accent that guy has.
Stupid Nerd, meanwhile, is outside and 30 seconds later is like, “I’m radioing you on the walkie talkie! The Smokefather’s here!” and Fauxstralian is like, “Drop all your rooting around work and return here immediately! As fast as you can possibly go! Run Run Run!” and the Stupid Nerd is like, “I’m, like, ten feet from the condo. You can probably hear me talking if you look out the door, but copy that, running, sir!”
So, Fauxstralian tells Ben that he wants all of them to hide. Ben says that he’d rather just hang out on the porch, and Richard says that he’d like to talk to the Smokefather because they go way back and it’s been a while.
Miles is like, “Dudes. Later. I’ll be running through the jungle, because you’re all lunatics.”
Bye, Richard!
For some reason, there are a lot of honking sounds outside of the vacation condos? Anyway, the Smokefather tells Ben that he’d like him to kill some people and then Ben gets to have the island all to himself. He’s down, so he gives up Fauxstralian and Stupid Nerd’s hiding place immediately. And then the best thing ever happens! Better than when Ilana blew up!
Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! “Hi, my name is Zoe and I’m…” SLICE.
Anyway, so the Smokefather… Wait.
Okay, I’m done. Anyway, so the Smokefather wants Fauxstralian to tell him what he came back to the island for, and he gets totally Stepfather about it and is like, “I will take away the Christmas gift I bought you unless you clean your room,” except the Christmas gift is Fauxstralian’s daughter Penny. So, Fauxstralian’s like, “I don’t want to say anything in front of Ben,” and the Smokefather’s like, “Whisper it to me. Whisper it into my ear. No, I promise, this isn’t weird at all.”
So, he leans in and whispers, because whispering is a thing that normal adult people do (right, guys?), and then Ben shoots him. I guess he’s way evil? But he also thinks it’s unfair that Fauxstralian would get to save his daughter’s life but Ben wasn’t able to save his own daughter’s life? Mystery: solved.
“I win for Ugliest Face.”
The Smokefather and Ben go to the well to find Desmond and realize he’s not in there, and the Smokefather’s like, “Damn! I definitely told Sayid to kill him!” and Ben’s like, “What are you going to do now?” and the Smokefather’s like, “This is exactly what I wanted to happen, because when I find him he’ll be able to help me destroy the island,” and Ben’s like, “I thought it was my island if I helped you. Also, is this a twist, or are you just making shit up as you go along now?” and the Smokefather’s like, “Go to your room, young man.”
In LA, Jack and his son are so boring. Anyway, Jack gets a phone call from the airline, saying that his missing coffin-shaped luggage has been located and Jack is like, “You’re definitely an American man,” and the American man on the phone is like, “I am, you can tell by the way I pronounced ‘airline’: ‘ehhhhline.’”
Oh, Desmond! You joker. He’s so proud of himself. Look at his face. Hey, btw?
Just sayin’.
Desmond goes back to the high school and sees the Stepfather getting out of his van and prepares to mow him down again.
But then Ben shows up and is like, “No! NOOOO! Citizen’s arrest! CI-TI-ZEN’S AR-RESSSSSSSTTTTTT!” like Krusty the Clown when he finds Homer sleeping on the golf course. So, Desmond gets out of the car to punch some air.
What a non-connection!
Also, to get right in Ben’s face so he can see his true destiny.
Which is being beaten up by Desmond in lots of different dimensions. So, Ben goes to the… Wait.
Okay, I’m done.
Ben goes to the nurse and she’s like, “I’ll get a bandage for you, Mr. Linus,” and Ben is like, “It’s Dr. Linus, actually,” and the nurse is like, “Stupid asshole.”
The Stepfather shows up and Ben tells him that the guy who ran him over last week came back and beat Ben up. So, the Stepfather goes to call the police, and Ben tells him that Desmond told him he wasn’t trying to hurt the Stepfather, that he was trying to get him to let go.
So the Stepfather goes to see Jack and instead of being like, “Did you run me the eff over last week?” he’s like, “Will you give me spinal surgery?”
Back at the school, that girl Alex is about to go home with her mom when she sees Ben and is like, “Mom! Can Dr. Linus get a ride home from us? Mom! Can Dr. Linus have dinner with us? Mom! Can Dr. Linus sleep over? Mom! Can Dr. Linus be my new dad?”
He goes to their house for dinner, and Alex’s mom is like, “It is soooo nice having someone to cook for besides my stinky daughter,” and then Ben has a stroke or something. Like, an emotion stroke.
Meanwhile, Desmond shows up at the police station and turns himself in to Sawyer, who puts him, Sayid, and Kate together in the transport van to go to jail. In the van, Desmond’s like, “Hey, guys. Can I interest you in something? I’m not gonna tell you what it is, but will you absolutely promise to trust me no matter what?”
So, Sayid’s like, “Ask my ass if it promises. It does.” Kate also promises in that way where you’re like, “I’m a little scared, so my eyes are a little teary, but I’m gonna go along with this, because I’m a little scared, so my eyes are a little teary, but I’m gonna go along with this. *cough*”
Desmond acts like Desmond some more. So, the van stops and the driver lets them all out. Hugo shows up with some money for her and I guess he knows her, but I don’t, so I don’t care, and then she drives off. Desmond tells Sayid to go with Hugo and Kate to come with him and that they’re all going to a concert together. And I guess the concert is Jack’s stupid son’s piano recital? I mean, really? That’s not fun at all. But, anyway, he gives Kate a dress to put on.
Which Kate looks at like, “Tacky.” Get ready for the concert! The final episode of Lost is just a fake out. There’s not gonna be any plot advancement or mysteries solved. It’s actually going to be all the actors and actresses singing a selection of cover songs that sort of match their characters. Like, Jacob and Jack will sing a duet of Forever Young and Sawyer will sing Dirty White Boy and the Smokefather will sing Another Day in Paradise and Miles and Hugo will break it down with Silent Lucidity and Sayid will sing Nice & Slow and Richard will sing Teenage Suicide (Don’t Do It) and then the whole cast will come out and sing (I’ve Had) The Time of My Life. Spoiler alert.
Ta da!
