This is Blogging All of TV for the week of May 9th. I mean, all of tv, like, the stuff that I saw. And all of tv, like, the stuff that I saw that was worth grabbing.

Previously on tv…

Ugh. Nothing happened. Nothing happened at all on tv all week. I mean, this stuff happened, but it sucked.

American Idol

I continue to be completely baffled by these Ford music videos. This week, the remaining four contestants were singing a song I’ve never heard of in my entire life, and were doing a Chinese fire drill and then were coming back in the car dressed in, like, liederhosen? Except for the guy driving the car who’s also a contestant? But not anymore, because he got kicked off? I don’t get it. Plus, they’re a total ghoul chorus. Like, you know when a song has a lot of backup singers and they all sound kind of like they’re just moaning the words? Like in We Are the World? They’re a ghoul chorus.

The theme for this week was songs from the movies, and it was awful. One singer sang I’m Alright by Kenny Loggins, and the judges were like, “You made that song so much cooler!” and, I mean, it had literally nowhere to go but up? But, it was still I’m Alright by Kenny Loggins, which is Kenny Loggins’ worst song. I mean, worse than The House at Pooh Corner or Celebrate Me Home or I’m Free! I’m Free (featuring a children’s ghoul chorus) is a masterpiece compared to I’m Alright. It’s the worst. And then another guy sang Mrs. Robinson, and, see, a thousand years ago when he auditioned, one of the judges said that she thought he was hot, and then Ryan Seacrest and Randy Jackson tried to turn it into this thing where he was only being kept in the competition because of the judge liking his looks, even though she had been so off of that for the past 1000 years. And, I mean, I don’t even like him. Like, he sounds like a goat when he sings, and I don’t like the songs he chooses to sing, but even I felt bad for the guy when everyone was like, “OMG DID YOU PICK MRS. ROBINSON BECAUSE YOU KNOW THAT AN OLDER LADY HAS THE HOTS FOR YOU???”

Worse than both of these things was Mike who sang a terrible rendition of Will You Be There by Michael Jackson. I mean, yes, I know it’s from Free Willy, and yes, it is unreal lame, but if I’m feeling a little down in the dumps, I can always listen to it and be like, “I CAN DO ANYTHING BECAUSE A CHOIR IS TELLING ME I CAN!” And worse YET was Lee, who sang Kiss From a Rose by Seal. I love that song. I love the shit out of that song. You know who else loves that song? My best friend Mike who serenaded me with that song (the entire song) all the way down Broadway one very warm spring night when we were still living in NYC together, and my best friend Mike and warm spring nights and warm spring nights in New York are three of my favorite things, and Kiss From a Rose is another of my favorite things, and all combined made me love that song SO MUCH MORE, and Lee sounded kind of like garbage singing it. Also, the mentor was Jamie Foxx (UGH), Simon will not let go of his whole, “That wasn’t a good performance… That was a GREAT performance!” hacky fake-out move (UGH), and Bon Jovi performed (YAY!) a song from their CURRENT album (UGGGGHHHH).

Real Housewives of NJ

These people. I mean, this whole show is just, “I’m not her friend! I’m your friend! Now that I’m at this particular party you’re throwing, I’m your friend! Hold on, I have to take this call from our stupid mutual enemy, I know, she’s so gross, right?? Hello? Hi. No, I’m not her friend. I’m your friend! I’m just at this party she’s throwing to get dirt on her for you.”

You know what else it is? Pushing your 14-year-old daughter into a career in modeling, and then hijacking her career in modeling to revive your long since dead career in modeling, and then throwing a party in honor of your 14-year-old daughter’s new career in modeling and then TELLING HER SHE’S NOT INVITED. That’s what this show is.

America’s Next Top Model

Add two to that jumpsuit tally. Congrats, Tyra! You have surpassed your record of jumpsuits and have worn 10 jumpsuits in a row! You don’t get a prize, because you’re a lunatic.

Also, congrats to Moe Howard for taking home the prize of America’s Next Top Cover Girl Model Who Doesn’t Ever Appear in Cover Girl Commercials!

Happy Town

“This show stinks.”

Happy Town… Okay, so… All right. Somebody… No. A bunch of people went missing, okay? And nobody knows if they’re alive or dead because they never found any bodies, but the people also never came back. So, because they disappeared, people call the killer/kidnapper/whatever “The Magic Man.” Here’s how little this show gives a shit about itself:

Guy in a Police Station: “I saw the Magic Man once, walking through the woods. He was very very tall. And very very thin. And he wore a top hat. A blue top hat. And he walked with a limp. And he had a walking stick. And the walking stick was very fancy. And he had a bird with him. And the bird’s wings were red.”

And a few other things. Also? Those two jokers up there? She was in a car accident. He (a stranger) finds her and offers to Good Samaritan her to a hospital. Unfortunately, it turns out to be an animal hospital. Whoops! He says he’d like to make it up to her. So, they get a motel room. Perfectly reasonable.

And finally, Glee

This show would solve all of its inconsistency problems if a) every song they sung was Lady is a Tramp, and b) they let Puck sing every song.

That is all for this week’s Blogging All of TV. Sorry tv sucked so much this week. So to make up for the rest of this crap, here are stills from the videos for the four songs performed (badly) by the American Idol contestants this week: