Like, what is the point of having an entire old-timey episode without any hot old-timey Ricardo?

Sorry, lady. Spoiler alert.

Hey, Allison Janney: Guess who isn’t the most smartest. Get it? Do you get it? ‘Cause you said that in a movie one time? And ’cause this episode of Lost you were on sucked? Get it?

Sorry, this episode was SO BORING. And, like, did it answer questions? Because my questions are, like, when do I get to see more of Desmond’s ridiculous gif-worthy expressions? And is Jin going to still be alive because I want to see his face again? And wtf is up with Penis Boat? Where did he go? I mean, I’d settle for, like, What’s up with Kate? Seriously!

So this woman’s ship crashes onto the island in, like, the old-timey times, and she’s pregnant, and Allison Janney finds her and delivers her baby, and she names him Jacob, but then another baby comes out and she doesn’t have a name for him.

And then Allison Janney kills her with a rock. So.

Hey, you know what I just figured out? I’m totally serious. You know what I just figured out? What “MIB” means. So, now the twins are, like, 13, and the Boy in Black is, like, “You’re so effing jealous of my Justin Bieber haircut,” and Jacob’s like, “Mine is sort of the same, though,” and the BIB is like, “It is not, you’re a tool,” and Jacob’s like, “What’s a tool?”

Then Allison Janney takes the BIB aside to tell him how special he is. I’m falling asleep writing this. It’s that boring.

*SSSSSSSSSSSSSIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH*

“Oh, no! People! In the woods!”

“Hey, Allison Janney! We saw people!”
“Uh oh! Put on your blindfolds.”

“Welcome to the Thomas Kinkaid cave.”

“That cave was bullshit, right?”

“I’m your real mom. Your fake mom killed me with a rock.”
“Gross.”

“I’m JUST AS IRRATIONAL AS MOM SO I CAN’T BE ADOPTED!

“That hamburger was so good. I’m going away to live with the other people on the island.”

“Sitting on the beach with you is not as fun as it is with your brother.”
“What is beach?”

“Why are we the same age, but, we’re, like, not the same age, kwim?”

“I don’t. I don’t know what you mean.”

“I discovered magnets. Like, this knife sticks to this well, so, that’s my ticket to heaven? I don’t really understand this either, sorry, Jacob.”
“It’s okay. I’m the Jack of the 1500s. I don’t understand anything.”

I mean, what? What is going on? Why is she sadly putting mud on her leg? There isn’t even a wound or anything there. UGH.
“Mom? Mom? Hey, Mom? What is mud?”

“Oh, hi, Mom. I haven’t seen you in 30 years. Here’s what I’ve been working on: Breaking my way into the Thomas Kinkaid cave, and building this big giant wheel. And, like, the wheel is going to work with the water and the light and be like a mill, but, like, not, because it’s going to be my way to leave the island, because wheels run on light, right? Wheels run on light, right Mom? Mom. Right, Mom?”
“Are you going to strap yourself to the wheel, or… I don’t really understand how you’re going to get out of the… I don’t think I get it. But it sounds like a great effort!”

“Why can’t you just let me be great?”

“I don’t know how to talk to people without bashing their heads with rocks I’M SORRY!”

“Waaaaahhh. Waking up is hard.”

“I know, but let’s go back to the Thomas Kinkaid cave, which has, like, light in it that’s, like, the light that’s inside of everyone and also death and, like, it’s a Soul Hole? Maybe? Look, can you run the island for me when I retire and guard the Thomas Kinkaid Soul Hole and not let anyone go in there, because it’s the worst thing ever even though it seems like I’m making it out to be the best thing ever?”

“But, I don’t wanna, ’cause I wasn’t your first choice, was I?”
“Obvs not. Why are you such a fucking baby?”
“Boo hoo.”

“Really?”

“Thx for stabbing me, son. Thx. No, I’m not being sarcastic. And I’m sure Jacob will understand.”

“I don’t!”

“You know when you open the ketchup bottle, but there’s air in there, and the air forms an air pocket, and as soon as it’s released, the ketchup just shoots out? That’s what happened! I swear, Jacob, I didn’t eat all your ketchup again!”

“Get in the Soul Hole!’

“Spreading my legs is inappropriate, but I’m doing it anyway!”

“Bye!”

So, after Jacob found his brother, he dragged him back to the camp and placed him alongside Allison Janney, and those are the corpses that the Lost characters found, like, 500 years later, I guess? And I know that the last clip must have been from season 2 or 1 (or 3 or 5 or 4 or WHATEVER) because Jack still had chest hair. And I was going to say something about how, like, all right, so if you knew anything about the corpses (I didn’t), you’d now know who they are, and that the Smoke Monster was released because Jacob is an asshole who threw his brother into the Thomas Kinkaid Soul Hole, and that maybe the most evil thing in the world IS THOMAS KINKAID, and that, like, now you know where Jacob and the Smoke Monster came from, but, you don’t know where Allison Janney came from, or whatever, and also, that this episode was the worst.

But, then I got WAY distracted, because Jack used to be smokin’ hot and I’m kind of sad that I started watching when he was lame, chest-waxed Jack. Hey, also? Kate was kind of trampy looking back then, right?

The one thing that happened in this episode that I loooooved (and I guess it’s not really fair, because it’s actually an old episode clip, right?) was when the Stepfather showed up and Jack quickly put on a tattered shirt, like, “Shit, my stepfather’s here. Don’t let him know we were making out in front of these corpses, Trampy Kate!”

I know, Stepfather. I know. What a waste of one of the last episodes, right? I mean, not to toot my own horn, but TOOT TOOT any of this is more entertaining than that episode.

I mean, THIS Kenny Loggins video for the song he wrote for the ARM WRESTLING movie Over the Top starring SYLVESTER STALLONE is way better than everything in this episode sans the last ten seconds of previous Jack shirtless/quickly putting on a shirt.

You’re welcome.