This is Blogging All of TV for the weeks of April 25th and May 2nd. I mean, all of tv, like, the stuff that I saw. And all of tv, like, the stuff that I saw that was worth grabbing.

Previously on tv…

America’s Next Top Model

Tyra added three more jumpsuits, and is still yet to be seen in anything but jumpsuits.

Nigel got really aggro with a sheep for some reason.

And during a shoot where the girls were supposed to pretend they were in love with a sheep (?), they all fell down.

At panel, Angelea, unprompted, demonstrated what she does when she walks into a club. The little, “You know, like that,” gesture at the end is very similar to what I do when I walk into a club.

Then, since the girls are in New Zealand, they met up with one of the actresses from the Lord of the Rings at the set of the hobbit village.

Most of the girls reacted like this.

Angelea reacted like this.

Then they found out that they would be taking pictures in odd business formal, standing in the doorway to one of the hobbit houses.

Most of the girls reacted like this.

Angelea reacted like this. And before you think she’s a hobbit-phobe, she’s just never seen the movies. And is also not such a nerd that she could tell the hobbit village set from a 5-year-old movie on sight.

At panel, after kicking off one of the contestants, Tyra oddly growled, “WHAT IS YOUR NAME?? TURN TO ME!!” as she exited the room.

Gossip Girl

Okay, so, in the Gossip Girl book series, there was one book which included one of the best things I’ve ever read, and I was, like, an English minor in college. A bunch of kids go up to this ski resort in Connecticut for the weekend, and they all get high, and three of them decide to go sledding, in spite of the freezing rain happening outside. But, they decide to do this naked. So, they all strap themselves into this sled, naked, and get ready to go. But, then two of them change their minds at the last second and get themselves out, but knock into the sled in the process, sending the one remaining girl careening, naked, down the side of the hill. She crashes at the bottom and the sled turns over and she lands upside down, trapped in the sled, naked, and in, like, a puddle. Eventually someone finds her, and she suffers no ill effects.

I mean, it’s obviously horrible, but it’s also obviously hilarious, because Gossip Girl the book series had no basis in reality with the exception of name-dropping real NYC locations. So, Gossip Girl the series I guess is trying to fill in some of the heartless gaps of the books by adding some reality, like, people declaring college majors and people having life-threatening illnesses. Except, their version of reality is less believable than a nude girl found face down in a puddle in the freezing rain being in no need of medical attention.

Like, this woman’s ex-husband has crafted a plan to make her think she has cancer so he can be her personal doctor, make her dependent on him, and eventually get her to leave her current husband to get back together with him. Like, okay, basic soap opera shit. I mean, currently on All My Children, a man’s wife just walked out on him because she found out he slept with his father’s wife, because he was sure that she would cheat on his father eventually and he just wanted to prove it to get him to divorce her, but he didn’t count on his own wife finding this plan awful. I’m used to soap opera stuff. What I’m not used to is the fact that the writers have yet to have any character (this woman’s current husband, either of her two children, either of her two step-children, her former step-son, her doorman, anyone) ask her what kind of cancer she has.

And also, those two idiots up there go to NYU and, like, I know that there have been completely abysmall portrayals of NYU in the past and I’m not saying that people have to make NYU in the movies and in television seem like the real NYU, but, like, freshmen at NYU don’t pass up free alcohol, and students at NYU don’t have giant dorm parties because you’re not allowed to sign in more than three people to your dorm at a time, and oh, one more thing. When you get accepted to a playwright program at Tisch, that means that you’re now in the playwright program at Tisch, and therefore CANNOT accept THREE-MONTH-LONG internships in HAITI for JOURNALISM SCHOOL which is NOT AT TISCH. Got it? Got it Vanessa? So your crisis with your boyfriend is resolved, because that’s a conflict that Tisch will not be having.

Hopefully in next week’s Blogging All of TV, Gossip Girl will be back to having 19-year-olds with escort services on retainer, and hopefully naked high people careening down mountains, like, real soap opera shit.

Nicorette’s Quick Lozenge Ad

This ad shows a guy so desperate for a cigarette that he doesn’t notice a shark jump out of the water and bite his arm off, until he takes a Nicorette and calms his craving. There is a dramatization warning at the end of the ad. The dramatization is that Nicorette doesn’t actually work that fast.

American Idol

Ryan Seacrest is losing his mind. Way losing his mind. Harry Connick, Jr. was a guest on the show and played the piano during each of the contestant’s songs. He played the organ during one and Ellen DeGeneres made some joke about liking “Harry’s organ” during her critique of the contestant, to which HCJ yelled, “Stop it!” The next night, HCJ said he loved all the judges except for Ellen, who made a pretend sad face. Then Ryan Seacrest said, excitedly, “She likes your organ! She can see your organ!”

You know how big giant dogs walk up to you and want you to pet them, but they’re so enormous that they kind of just push you around?

Oh, okay, so. Every week, the contestants have to do some awful ad for Ford, which is like a music video. Usually they’re, like, painting the sky with their minds and softly singing a song by KT Tunstall. But, last night… Okay, so there’s a girl sitting at a cafe, and a guy sees her. And then he walks up to her and they smile at each other, but then he walks past her and she’s all sad? Because he wasn’t smiling at her, he was smiling at his car, which he goes over and starts, like, humping? But then she sees a waiter and she smiles at him, because she’ll settle? And then there’s another guy who’s walking dogs, and some jerky looking child on a bicycle whistling.

And, like, the ads are all stupid. They are all stupid. And obviously when they’re painting the sky with their mind, or pretending to be vampires, or pretending to work in an office and clock out for the day to go dance about Fords, they’re only playing characters? But I find it really weird that they created this weird love triangle/quadrangle story with three of the contestants(/and a Ford), and then the other two are just, like, existing in the same world as they are, but not interacting with them? BUT, they’re actual people who are not supposed to be actors, so it just seems like the singer/contestant Crystal got really disappointed that the singer/contestant Lee wasn’t into her, but she can at least bone the singer/contestant Casey because he smiled at her, and the singer/contestants Mike and Aaron are staying out of the whole thing.

The Tudors

While Henry’s wife Catherine had very graphic extramarital sex with Thomas Culpepper, Henry VIII, who is very old, asked his ex-wife Anne to sleep with him. Like, just sleep with him. Aw, old people can be so sweet.

Platinum Weddings

Platinum Weddings only showcases weddings that are in the hundreds of thousands or more. I mean, it’s sick. It’s obviously sick. People can do whatever they want with their money, of course, and good for them that they have spare millions to waste on Swarovski crystals hanging from each individual flower on the tables that absolutely no guest is going to take notice of, but seriously. It’s sick. This one particular couple’s budget was somewhere around $800,000 (which is modest compared to most of the couples) for one day of their lives (which happened to be CHRISTMAS DAY, and I’m just saying that if anyone out there ever expects me to go to their wedding, it better not be scheduled on a major holiday, because I have my own plans). And the sickest part is that, the more they spent, the cheaper things looked.

The chintzy blue light emanating from under the tables? Which probably could have been achieved with some of those glow stick headbands they sell on the fourth of July? Cost them THIRTY THREE THOUSAND DOLLARS.

Real Housewives of New Jersey

Last season, Danielle got in a fight with, like, twenty women from her town of Franklin Lakes. This season, she and they are contractually obligated to hang out with other for the sake of the show, though no one will admit that. Like, no one will just say, “Hey, you know Danielle? I don’t like her, and I don’t want to hang out with her. And, like, we weren’t even friends really to begin with? So, I don’t have to even talk about her anymore. And Franklin Lakes might be kind of a small town, but it’s not that small. But we don’t get paid unless there’s drama, and we’re all friends, but we’re not friends with Danielle? And the production company said they’d pay us extra if we invite her to a party.” Instead, they’re all like, “I don’t know if I’ve forgiven Danielle yet. But, we’re inviting her to a party next week to see if we still hate her.” Spoiler alert: they do.

But, anyway, Danielle went to badger this priest into teaching her how to pray for others, and when he tried to tell her, she told him to stop right there, because it wasn’t going to work. Danielle also, fyi, continually refers to groups of women as “woman”, singular? Like, “These woman are very dangerous.” I don’t know.

Also, the woman with the blond hair owns a store Danielle frequents, where she assured Danielle that she was friends with her and only her and would stand by her through thick and thin. Then she and her drunk-ass husband came to a party the other women (the other woman? Danielle? the other woman?) were throwing and told them that she was playing Danielle and is really friends with them. BECAUSE THAT’S HOW IT WORKS WHEN YOU’RE 45!!

Happy Town

Last summer, there was a show on CBS called Harper’s Island, which followed a group of people at a destination wedding being picked off one-by-one by a murderer. This summer, ABC is airing Happy Town, which is about a group of lunatics who say things like, “Chloe burned the can,” and “If I see you touch the baby Jesus, I’ll make you wear the cow suit,” and “He’s mooching the stem.” I don’t know what these things mean, and I also know that there’s no momentum if NO ONE GETS KILLED in this murder mystery.

What I do know is that the cast is entirely filled with “Wait, who’s he?”s. The guy from ER! That girl from Anne of Green Gables! Two people from Being Erica! The lady from Six Feet Under! Sam Neill! (SAM NEILL? Isn’t he a respected actor?) That guy who got his hair chopped off at a rave in Go! That guy I saw on ads for some other show I think! The guy from Undressed! The guy from Wings! That woman from the Lifetime movie we were just watching! And many more, who I will never figure out, because this show is going to be cancelled. Obviously.

Community

If you don’t have a tv, I’m sorry you don’t have a tv, because Community is amazing, and this week’s action movie parody was amazing. That’s all.

Dr. Phil

I saw this Dr. Phil episode a while ago, but it was repeated this week. He was talking about teenagers having sex with each other on school grounds and, of course, telling parents of boys to be vigilant because of all the slutty teenage girls out there. He also mentioned that fathers watching should take their 15-year-old daughters into their laps and imagine them giving blow jobs at school and think about how that would make them feel? LIKE VOMIT? WOULD IT MAKE THEM FEEL LIKE VOMIT?

But, the best part of the episode was this hysterical audience member who related this nonsensical story about being a parent chaperone at a school dance where she saw a group of students form a circle and take pictures of something happening in the middle. Though she couldn’t see anything, she was pretty sure it was a sex act, and stood by, scandalized, until it was over. Then, while cleaning up after the kids went home, she found something on the ground amidst all the confetti (?) and thought it was a used condom, and like, the first thought I had was, “Wow, these teenagers having sex in the middle of a crowded dance floor amidst camera flashes had the foresight to put on a condom?” But, after hearing her conversation with the janitor:

Hysterical Parent: Oh, my God! What is that??
Janitor: Oh, it’s a… a piece of… it’s skin.
Hysterical Parent: *sigh of relief*

My second thought was, “What? Wait. What?”

The Tyra Show

I don’t like pranks. I don’t like how much time they take. I don’t like how embarrassing they are for the person doing the prank, especially when you know it’s a prank, but you’re still supposed to play along. And I don’t like how much time they take to clean up. Tyra was pranking people on her show (including some awful prank where she made some woman think she was getting for real married to her bf? and I didn’t watch it because it seemed AWFUL), and opened the show pretending to have rabies.

This is what Tyra looks like when she’s trying to hide the fact that she’s got a mouth full of foam.

This is what Tyra looks like when she didn’t practice enough to figure out how to get the foam to actually come out of her mouth.

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(Sally thinks she might have been swallowing some of the foam.)

It all sucks, and I feel bad for everyone there and everyone who watched at home, but especially for that girl in the gray sweater whose sleeve was covered in Tyra drool for the rest of the show.

And finally, Glee

I don’t want to get into how traumatizing it was to watch the Glee teacher dance in khaki pants to Ice Ice Baby (teacher, dancing, Ice Ice Baby, and Glee were all the things that didn’t traumatize me. Guess which one did.) But, I do want to get into how much bullshit it was that Glee tried to make everyone believe that Total Eclipse of the Heart is an “unloved song.” Because it’s loved by me AND EVERYONE ON THE PLANET.