Sorry, Stepfather. Your wtf face doesn’t compare to Jin’s. I’m glad we’ll be seeing Jin’s wtf face forever!

So, Jack saved the Stepfather’s life after Desmond ran him down with his car, and the Stepfather’s like, “Am I all right?” and Jack’s like, “Your dur sack was ruptured, but you’ll be fine. Also, I have this great opportunity for you to walk again!” and the Stepfather’s like, “Nope.”

Then the Stepfather’s gf comes in.

Um…

Ew! Knock it off, guys! So, anyway, he definitely doesn’t ever want to walk again. So, Jack goes and finds some guy that did dental surgery on the Stepfather once? And he’s like, “Hey, dentist, can you give me the name of the man the Stepfather was in an accident with three years ago?”

And the dentist is like, “Weren’t you flirting with my wife on the plane from Australia?” and Jack’s like, “Um, no? Because she was old and also nosy.” And then the dentist gives him the name of the other guy who was in the accident, and Jack’s like, “How in the world do you remember this name?” and the dentist is like, “Didn’t you just come in here and ask me if I remembered his name? Didn’t you just do that?” And meanwhile, what? I mean, what? What just happened? How does he know that dental surgery equals spinal injury? Did I miss something?

So, anyway, Jack goes to a nursing home to find this guy Anthony Cooper and he runs into the Stepfather’s gf, who tells him to go away. But, Jack won’t, because he doesn’t understand context clues, so then she’s like, “Fine, I’ll wheel out Anthony Cooper and you can look at him.”

And then Jack’s like, “Hi, Mr. Coo… oh. Gross. He’s drooling on himself.” So, the Stepfather’s gf tells him that he’s the Stepfather’s father and Jack is like, “Who are we talking about again?”

Wait a minute. Wait.

This is the Stepfather’s father? THIS GUY? Are we sure the Stepfather isn’t his father?

Anyway, Jack goes to take a nap with the Stepfather, but then he runs into Claire. She wants to know why their father left her this music box in his will, but Jack has no idea. Then he invites her to live with him, and Claire’s like, “OMG, we’re totes strangers, though!” and I’m like, “Um, remember Desmond? Ting!”

The Stepfather is then being released and Jin passes him, looking for Sun’s room, and the Stepfather looks at him like he’s seen him somewhere. Hey, isn’t it great that Jin and Sun are happy in LA and also back together on the island? Nothing’s gonna tear them apart!!!!

Jack shows up again to be like, “I’m gonna fucking MAKE YOU WALK, sir!” and then he tells the Stepfather that he met the Stepfather’s father and first he’s like, “How did he manage to father you when he was 8 years old?” and then he’s like, “So, bring up your painful memories of how you and your father are both cripples.” So, the Stepfather got his pilot license and then made his father get in the plane with him and then he crashed it immediately and now they’re both in wheelchairs, and then Jack’s like, “My dad died in Australia. ” And then they’re both like,

So, the Stepfather asks Jack why he’s badgering him so much, and Jack tells him that he doesn’t know how to admit his father’s dead, so he’s hoping that the Stepfather can admit that his father’s dead (I mean, good as) first, so Jack can learn from him?

And the Stepfather’s like, “I’m thinking about it, and I’m thinking that you’re a huge jerk.” And then he wheels away.

And Jack is like, “Wait! I might be your father! I am the appropriate age to have fathered a 60-year-old man.”

Back on the island, the stupid nerds are herding everyone who was on the party boat into a bunch of cages, and Sawyer grabs the Stupid Fat Nerd’s gun and calls him Dough Boy. Then Fauxstralian is like, “I have a list of names! Kate’s name isn’t on it! I will kill her!” and Kate’s like, “Pssh, I’m totally on every list, don’t listen to him,” but Sawyer drops the gun and everyone gets into the cages sadly.

So Kate’s like, “I’m on every list, right? This is bullshit, right? Sawyer. I’m on every list, right? Sawyer?” and then Sawyer’s like, “You’re not on any list. Sorry.”

Then Jin and Sun are, like, giving each other their wedding rings and talking about their daughter and being all happy to be together again. Those two are gonna have such a good life when they get off the island, amiright?

Meanwhile, Jack wakes up like a tiny baby in a cradle, and Sayid is like, “Don’t give me that face, because you slept while I paddled us to this other island.” Then the Smokefather comes out of nowhere and starts talking in a very loud voice about how everyone else is in cages and they need to go save them and get on the plane and leave.

So, back at the cages the power goes out and Jin is like, “WTF???”

And then the Stupid Fat Nerd is like, “Go put the power back on! Obey my commands! Ignore the fact that it was incredibly easy for someone to steal a gun out of my hands!” But, then he gets shot and Jack rescues everyone, just like the monkey who helped PeeWee save all the animals from the burning pet store. Good monkey, Jack.

And then it’s, like, instantly daytime? And the Smokefather’s alone and showing up to the plane and killing some stupid nerds and stealing their calculator watches?

If you were in the library and saw this staring at you through the stacks, what would you do?

Everyone else shows up to the plane, and the Smokefather’s like, “Sorry guys, there’s a whole lot of bombs on this plane and we can’t fly it, so we’ll take the submarine instead,” and Sawyer’s like, “Wait! No fair! ‘Cause I said we should take the submarine! Why doesn’t anyone ever listen to me?” And then he pounds his fists on the ground and kicks his feet and everyone backs away uncomfortably.

They all make a plan to take the sub by force, and Jack offers his help even though he still insists that he wants to stay on the island. The Smokefather is like, “Pleeeeeeease reconsider, because I swear that whoever told you you need to stay was lying to you,” and then Jack is like, “Idk about that,” and then the Smokefather is like, “Who told you you had to stay?” and then Jack is like, “The Stepfather.”

And then Jack is like, “Blam!” and then Kate’s like, “What happened? Hey! What happened? Did he fall? Did he fall in the water? Jack. Did he fall?” And then a bunch of stupid nerds come out of the jungle and start shooting ketchup guns at people.

And one of them gets Kate! Yay! It was kind of amazing, because you could actually see frame by frame how there was actually ketchup being thrown AT Kate. Like, you could see it arriving from off screen. Ketchup’s market value is going to go way down in a couple of weeks. Sorry, ketchup.

So, like, everyone gets into the submarine except for Mountain Claire, who’s too busy shooting nerds to notice all of the action three feet behind her, and the Smokefather, who’s just emerged from the water in an even clingier t-shirt than normal.

Sawyer takes this opportunity to seal everyone into the submarine and start diving.

Mountain Claire is like, “Hold up! That’s definitely my ride!”

And Jack’s like, “No! I don’t have a ticket! I don’t want to be a stowaway!”

So, Jack is trying to save Kate’s shirt from her ketchup stain, and then he discovers that his bag is filled with explosives.

Jin is like, “WTF?”

Jack’s figured it out. Finally. He says that the Smokefather can’t leave the island unless everyone’s dead (?), but for some reason he can’t kill them himself (?) so he has to find a way for them to kill themselves (??). So he planted a bomb that only had a fake timer on it and it won’t explode unless they interfere with it, like, if they try to dismantle it, so he tells them to just pretend that there isn’t a bomb and it won’t go off?

So, Jin is like, “Great, I’ll order pizza.” But, Sawyer’s like, “Eff this. What kind of bomb is rigged to go off but not go off but go off again but only if you touch it and not go off if you touch this but not that, what happens if I take out these wires?”

And what happens is, the bomb counts down faster and definitely blows up in less than a minute. Sawyer’s like, “I’m really sorry guys. I’m sorry that I’m currently 0:2 in the whole race for The Worst.” So, everyone radios to Unfrozen Caveman Pilot to get the submarine back to the surface so they can throw the bomb into the water where it will cause no problems, and UCP is like, “This is a submarine,” and they’re like, “I know! You have 30 seconds to get back to the surface!” and UCP is like, “Guys. This is a submarine.”

So then Sayid is like, “Hey, Jack. Remember Desmond? He’s in a well, and I was supposed to kill him, but I didn’t, and he’s somehow still alive after falling 20 feet INTO A WELL, so can you go back to the island and get him out, because if your theory is correct, then starvation and probably massive internal injuries but suspiciously no broken bones will definitely be a way for the Smokefather to kill Desmond without killing him, kwim?” and Jack is like, “I don’t know what you mean?” and Sayid is like, “Mine!” and he runs away with the bomb.

Bye, Sayid! Thanks for saving everyone!

Oh, wait. Except for this guy. Sorry, UCP. Bye, UCP!

So then it’s like the Poseidon Adventure and Hugo’s like, “Let’s go save Sayid!” and Jack is like, “There is no Sayid,” which made me laugh, and then Jack sends Hugo and Kate up to the surface with the only oxygen tank he can find. Sun gets pinned by some kind of piece of metal and can’t move, and Jin asks Jack to help him.

But then Sawyer takes the title of THE WORST by getting hit on the head and needing to be carried out of the submarine by Jack. And Jin is like, “It’s cool, you can go, I will get my wife who I just found again after I don’t even know how long [I actually don't know how long] out of this metal contraption pinning her to the side of the submarine by myself, THANKS SAWYER,” and Jack is like, “Okay, good luck!”

And then Jin is like, “I can’t get you out, so let’s drown together,” and Sun is like, “Thx, Jin, you’re the best,” and then they DROWN TOGETHER! Like, HOLDING HANDS DROWN TOGETHER! And I’m like, “WWWWWWTTTTTTFFFFFF???????”

Hugo, Kate, Jack and Sawyer get up to the surface and start crying because all their friends are dead, but they all start making these honking sounds like geese, and I guess that’s how you cry on the Mystery Island? The Mystery of Mystery Island is why people honk like geese when they cry?

And, like, this was supposed to be a really touching scene, right? Because Jin and Sun are dead, and Sayid seemed like some kind of zombie and then he was like, “I’m not a zombie, and you’re all my bffs, and I love you guys, and I’m going to save all of your lives,” and he’s dead (and never existed, according to Jack), and UCP is dead and they don’t even really seem to notice, and Jin never got that pizza delivered, and Sawyer’s still alive which is sort of debatable as far as relief goes. And seriously, the thing with Jin and Sun floating in the submarine made me cry a little, and I definitely am sad that I will no longer see Jin’s face. But, honestly.

Jack’s entire butt coated in wet sand, making him look sort of like his clothes had ripped to reveal a flesh-colored body suit underneath, kind of made my night.