This is Blogging All of TV for the weeks of April 11th and 18th. I mean, all of tv, like, the stuff that I saw. And all of tv, like, the stuff that I saw that was worth grabbing.

Previously on tv:

America’s Next Top Model

This contestant, Brenda, was one of those “if I talk shit about other shit-talkers, then it’s not really starting drama.” But she was also not even good at being an undercover bitch, because when she loudly said, “Uneducated,” about another girl in the limo they were riding in together, and the girl said, “You think I’m uneducated?”, Brenda said, “I don’t know. Are you?” The correct response, to keep your status as an undercover bitch, would have been, “*blink* I didn’t say anything.” The correct response to up your status to actual known bitch would have been, “I’m surprised you know what that word means.” SNAP!

But, it’s all moot, since she was so old that she couldn’t remember what students (dressed in strange 1930s peewee outfits) look like when they pose (in cheap makeup) on the subway. Therefore, she was given the boot. The moot boot. (It’s late. I’m sorry.)

Meanwhile, Andre Leon Talley saw this picture:

And declared this girl (posing as a club-goer), “The girl next door who’s spoiled and you don’t want her in your posse going to the club ’cause she’s gonna make trouble.” That’s actually pretty accurate. She would definitely get really extra drunk and pass out on a couch somewhere and you’d have to close out her tab, and then you wouldn’t be able to find her, and then you’d find out that she had sex, like, in the middle of the club with some guy who, it turns out, has a gf, and that gf is in the club and she’s going to beat up this girl, but the girl that invited her to come out with you is off making out with her bf and everyone else is too drunk to help out, so you have to be the one to take her home and make sure she gets into bed okay and doesn’t choke on her own vomit, and the next day, you find out that she called up one of the other ppl you went with and told them that she paid for all of your drinks.

And, of course, Tyra added to her jumpsuit tally.

Project Runway

In part one of the two-part finale, Tim Gunn visited the designers and met their families.

The eventual winner’s daughter’s Win Lose or Draw attempt made Tim Gunn blurt out “Fallopian tubes??” in frustration.

And then the eventual winner made Tim Gunn fall on a trampoline.

This previously out-ed contestant only noticed the music during one of the eventual losers’ show. Which is good, because her clothes sucked.

Chopped

A piece of hair from this man’s fright wig ended up on one of the plates presented to the judges. He was chopped.

60 Minutes

In a rare interview, Al Pacino was asked by Katie Couric if the loss of his mother at the relatively young age of 21 was tough on him, since she was never able to see any of his success as an actor.

He answered, “Yes.”

Gossip Girl

There’s an episode of Dawson’s Creek (I know, I know, but this one’s relevant) where Joey goes up to Boston to visit her incredibly lame bf (and I’m not even talking about Dawson!) and then she finds out that he’s got this bff who’s a girl and he’s obvs in love with her, because boys and girls are never friends unless they’re secretly in love, so she tells them to get it on with her blessings and then leaves in the middle of the night to go to the Boston train station (in which sit two bums – BUMS – who are drunk – DRUNK!) but the next bus isn’t for hours, so she calls her friend Pacey (who is DUH secretly in love with her, but that’s not important to this particular story) to drive up to Boston and pick her up, and on the way back home at, like, dawn because it was the middle of the night, he’s like, “Um, what happened?” and she’s like, “Eff you, none of your business!” and he’s like, “You called me in the middle of the night and you’re still wearing the dress you wore to the fancy faculty dinner your bf brought you to [RIGHT??] and you’ve obviously been crying, and, like, were you raped, or…” and she’s like, “Seriously, eff you. When will I ever find true love? When will it happen for me?” and Pacey’s like, “You’re sixteen. No, wait. You’re sixteen. Are you serious? You don’t need to find true love yet. Stop acting like your life’s a failure.” And, like, that’s real, for real. But, then it turns out that he’s secretly in love with her and they have this, like, epic romance spanning two seasons (AND THE SERIES FINALE BUT THAT’S NOT IMPORTANT), so he just totally shit all over his point, but if you ignore all of the stuff that comes after that one line, it’s on the real, for real.

Meanwhile, on Gossip Girl, little tiny baby Eric Van Der Woodsen, who’s like, 15 and gay is lamenting the fact that his life has not turned out the way he thought at 15 and that he still has no bf, and, like, I didn’t have a bf at 15 and I had a way larger pool to draw from being a straight girl, kwim? Not that I’m saying I could have had my pick or anything, but I had more choices to be rejected by at least. So, like, my point is that I’m now Pacey and I’m saying to EVDW that, like, you’re fifteen and when you were inexplicably gone from the show for ten episodes and then it was revealed that you were in Japan (?) and had had, like, twelve Japanese bfs while there that you are now rejecting as friends on facebook because you found out that they like bath houses (?) (YOU’RE FIFTEEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!), when most 15-year-olds haven’t even had one bf from their country of origin, I think you can lay off of the whole Why Am I Alone rant?

But, whatever, Eric didn’t listen to me, and he went out and found himself a bisexual possibly still in a relationship with a girl bf with the same stupid greasy haircut as his. I liked the 90s. Like, the music and the plaid (I won’t give it up), but ew. Please go back to the 90s, greasy 90s haircuts.

America’s Best Dance Crew

All of the winning crews from the past five seasons came back to dance for different charities. I mean, they danced? And then presented a big check to the charities? But they weren’t inherently raising money by dancing, I don’t think. But, anyway, the point is that I like watching people dance, and so I watched it.

Season 1’s winner Jabbawockeez freak out my sister, who is worried they might actually be actual robots. Like, real mechanical men.

Season 2’s winner Super Crew created this tiny baby right on stage.

And then the baby spun on his head for an hour? And then they put him in a garbage can. No lie!

But my favorite crew (to have won – I still love you Fanny Pack), Quest Crew did this. And I’m not just saying that they’re the best just because I find one of the dancers in the crew brutally hot. Because obviously they’re the best. AND I find one of the dancers brutally hot.

I mean, JC Chasez gets it. You just don’t get it. JC gets it.

American Idol

Ryan Seacrest is losing his mind. I mean, we’re witnessing him lose his mind. Because I think the fact that Simon Cowell is leaving the show at the end of this season is making him melt down, like, what if American Idol gets canceled and he’s down to only, like, 12 jobs? What will he do? So, in the meantime, he’ll weird people out by saying Brian Dunkelman still exists, and then when they’re like, clapping, he’ll be like, “No, actually, he never existed, both hosts on the first season of American Idol were me playing myself and my evil twin, I’m that good,” and then when the audience are clapping with fear in their eyes, he’ll be like, “I’m going to pat you on the head, old lady in the audience. I’m going to grab you by the shoulders and shake you, teenage girl in the audience. I’m going to make an awkward reference to how talented you are with your tongue, previous season’s runner up Adam Lambert.”

“I’m going to terrify you, viewing public.”

Also, Mary J sang Stairway to Heaven. No additional comment.

Jamie Oliver’s Food Revolution

I’m pretty burned out on Jamie Oliver. I mean, I know that the season (SEASON? not SERIES?) finale aired tonight, and I only had one episode to go, but I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t take the repeating and the fact that he calls unflavored milk “white” instead of just “milk” and I couldn’t take the sad looks and the constant reminders that he’s sure everything will fail and how everything doesn’t fail at exactly the last minute. I just don’t care how his food revolution ends. He insisted that they take the strawberry and chocolate milk out of the cafeteria to try to convince the school board that children will drink regular milk if it’s all that’s available to them (I hate to agree with him, but word) and then when the milkman came and started carting the flavored milk away, he actually said, “I’m, like, What’s going on?” Oy.

And I don’t care how much he tries to perfect his (Disney) Mad Hatter impression, I just don’t care. I don’t care how it turned out. But, I leave you on our JO’sFR journey with possibly the best quote of the series:

“We’re gonna pimp it up with a good barbecue sauce.” Food revolution: revolted.

Beauty & the Briefcase

This ABC Family original starred Hillary Duff as an idiot fashion writer with a long checklist for her perfect guy and her first big break for Cosmo: going undercover as a “business person” and trying to get a “business man in a suit” to fall in love with her. As anyone who watches romantic comedies could figure out instantly, she ends up with her nerdy, overlooked, doesn’t-match-anything-on-the-checklist boss. And it’s not like his character was a problem or anything, because he was fine. But, like, he was also the guy who ran the evangelical vampire-killing evil cultish church on True Blood, so I couldn’t help but imagine he was hiding lots of guns with silver bullets in his desk. Side note.

The movie was terrible. Obviously. Terrible and predictable. Obviously. But, what I wasn’t expecting was how effing scary Jamie Presley is.

I mean, what? What’s wrong with her? Is it her teeth? Does she have new teeth she’s getting used to?

The Ricky Gervais Show

It just continues to be great. And cute. That’s all.

Also, I love Stephen Merchant in both human and cartoon form. That’s all.

And finally, Food Network Challenge

Unfortunately, the Food Network Challenge (where four chefs have to make a cake in eight hours) doesn’t always re-air specific episodes, and it’s not found anywhere online, so this will have to be a re-enactment. So, like, the challenge is to make extreme villain cakes. But, the competitors get to make up their own villain, which was dumb enough. But, then they have to add an extreme element, which is something like movement or fireworks or whatever. Just, you know, anything to make these cakes less edible, I guess? And then, when the cake is made, it has to be moved about ten feet to a display table.

So, this one pair of chefs made this cake that was supposed to look like an evil version of one of them. But when they moved it, the top of the head fell off. And then when they got the head back on, it was kind of smushed and gross looking. But, then, their extreme element was to have flames shooting out of its mouth. Did I mention this thing is made out of cake? Cake and icing? Anyway, so, they start up the charge or whatever, and this little puff of smoke comes out of the mouth and everyone in the audience does that thing where they’re like, “Wooooooooooooawwwwwwwwww,” where they get excited and then immediately disappointed and they have to change their excitement sounds to disappointment sounds. But, THEN! The chest catches on fire! I don’t know how this happened, but it was amazing! Because suddenly there are flames coming out of the chest of this thing, and then flames also come out of the mouth, but they’re not flames that are shooting out. The cake is just on fire in two places! And the cake is melting! And then this FNC flunkie comes over with a fire extinguisher and shoots it over and over again at the cake even when it’s clearly extinguished. So, they brush off the extinguisher remnants and the cake is all charred and smoke damaged, and then they’re disqualified for not being extreme enough. Although, we all agreed (we, being the counsel of tv judges I watch tv with) that their cake was obviously the MOST extreme because it was set on fire! And here is an MS Paint video of the events exactly as they happened: