Yeah, it’s easier this way.

“I have to wear them this way. No, I know I’m not currently reading anything. But, I have to! My doctor said it would help me complete my perverted nerd look!”

Back in LA, the Stepfather is being taken to the hospital after Desmond ran him over, and Ben is like, “I have no idea who he is, but he works at our school. I’m a teacher and he is also a teacher and we eat lunch at the same time and I have had pep talks from him on principal blackmail, but I never asked him anything about his personal life or his FIRST NAME.”

The emt is like, “WTF?”

When they get to the hospital, Sun is also being brought in with her gunshot wound and she sees the Stepfather and flips out. She and the baby both end up being okay, btw.

At the police station, Sawyer and Kate have this long, boring, gross, flirty conversation and he offers her an apple that he’s already bit into and, like, she’s wanted for murder, and she’s in a police station, but they don’t even have anyone glancing in her direction after Sawyer gets up and walks away? Like, couldn’t she just go on the run again? They didn’t even take away her disguise hat!

Anyway, so he and Miles find out about all the murders at the restaurant and see Sayid on surveillance footage and go to find him, and he figures he’ll skip out the back door.

But then Sawyer’s like, “WRONG! FOOLED! With an overly planned booby trap considering the timeline of you leaving the restaurant and showing up here and dead bodies in an empty restaurant being reported is a little wonky TRAPPED! ARRESTED!”

Meanwhile, Claire is at an adoption agency and Desmond, who is the creepiest creeper, seriously, is like, “Hi! Remember me? I was stalking you at the airport way before I found out about all this almost-dying/making-out-revelation stuff, and now I’m stalking you again, but you didn’t tell me your name and oh! There it is! On the paper you’re writing on! Also, I was listening to you say something about an adoption agency and, like, you should talk to a lawyer and I know one, she’s right on the 15th floor, which is the same floor the adoption agency is on, so let’s get into this small elevator together to talk about it, okay? Okay, Claire? Claire Littleton? Remember when I peeked at your paper and saw your name and also the reason you were in this building I followed you to?”

So, Claire is momentarily like this?

But then Desmond is like, “Ting!” and Claire’s like, “Oh, right, what? You said you have a friend who’s a lawyer who owes you a favor and you’re going to waste that favor on me? Let’s do this!” Why didn’t he just make out with her in the elevator?

Oh, boo. Not her.

Downstairs, Jack and his son are wearing matching suits, like, I’m gonna throw up all over myself. They’re also there to see Ilana the Lawyer, and Ilana’s like, “Desmond, you can leave now,” and Desmond’s like, “Ting! Bye!”

And then Ilana’s like, “This is gonna be awesome, guys. Seriously, get ready for this. You’re in for a real treat. I am the greatest lawyer ever! Ever ever!” So, she recognized Claire’s name from Jack’s father’s will, and Claire introduces herself to Jack as his half-sister and Jack is like, “Um, Ilana? This isn’t a treat at all,” and his son is like, “Can I borrow your lipstick? I need to reapply,” and Ilana’s like, “Folding my arms. Folding my arms for a job well done.”

But then Jack is called to the hospital for some emergency surgery and his son, who, like, three days ago didn’t want anything to do with Jack whatsoever is now willing to hang out in the hospital alone for the several hours needed for this emergency spinal surgery because he’d rather be around Jack than go home to his mom? What?

Anyway, the nurse is like, “Hibbidy boo,” and Jack is like, “Oh, no, that’s bad,” and then she’s like, “Scrappity spachul,” and Jack is like, “That’s why you called me. I’m the best hibbidy boo spachul surgeon in the world.”

But when he gets into the operating room and sees the Stepfather’s face he’s like, “Hibbidy what?”

Back on the island, Jack and the Smokefather go off to talk together and Jack finds out that the Smoke Monster also once took the shape of Jack’s dead father and that he only did that to help Jack. Mountain Claire comes out of the jungle then and tells them that she followed them because Jack’s her brother and she wanted to talk to him, and the Stepfather’s like, “How sweet,” and Mountain Claire’s like, “I know, right? I totes love him.”

But Jack is like, “I don’t… Get it?”

The next day, in the middle of a totally stepfather “I’m proud of you” speech, the Smokefather is interrupted by that Stupid Nerd, who’s come to tell him that they want back what he stole from them.

I mean, I know that all of these people probably stink. I mean, look at Unfrozen Caveman Pilot. He’s still wearing his pilot shirt. He has to smell, right? But, doesn’t Stupid Nerd look like she smells worse than every other smelly person on the island? And, she’s got facilities over there. The mystery of Mystery Island is how they can stand to be around her funk for so long.

Anyway, her intimidation factor is to radio to her friends and have them blow something up 100 yards away from the Smokefather and then say, “Next time, we won’t miss,” which doesn’t sound right. I mean, it sounds like they weren’t supposed to miss, but they did, and now she’s covering it up. “Next time, I’ll give them the correct coordinates.” The Smokefather, clearly, is not fazed by her far away explosions and then breaks her walkie talkie.

He gets everyone else ready to leave and then gives Sawyer the most poorly drawn map ever and tells him to go up to one of the squiggly lines, like one of the lines without the hatch marks, but with the little dots, and get this party boat that’s there so everyone can get over to the other island. Sawyer asks if he can bring a friend and he picks Kate.

Jack cries. But then Sawyer takes him aside and tells him that he has a special mission for him: he has to gather UCP, Sun, and Hugo, and meet Kate and Sawyer at the party boat.

Meanwhile, Sayid has been sent to kill Desmond, who’s been hanging out at the bottom of the well which seems to have absolutely no water in it and somehow he has no broken bones and is only suffering some ketchup wounds. He’s like, “I can’t ting right now, I’m too sad. But, could you not kill me?”

So, Sayid’s like, “Why don’t you ask my ass not to kill you?” and then Desmond’s like, “When the Smokefather brings your gf back to life for killing me, are you going to mention to her that you had to kill me in order to get her back?” and Sayid’s like, “…Why don’t you… Why don’t you ask my ass if she’s… Shit.”

Meanwhile, the Smokefather’s like, “Hey, Sun. Hey, Sun. Hey, Sun. Why aren’t you answering me?” and then Sun writes in her notebook, “You did this to me,” and then the Smokefather’s like, “No, I didn’t!” and I’m like, “Actually, Sun…”

“He’s on the real with that one.” Then the Smokefather’s like, “Oh, yeah, where’s Sayid?” so he goes and looks for him and Sayid tells him he killed Desmond, and the Smokefather’s like, “What took you so long?” and Sayid’s like, “I needed a moment,” and the Smokefather’s like, “Don’t you have no feelings?” and Sayid’s like, “Why don’t you ask my ass if I have no feelings,” and the Smokefather’s like, “Hmm.”

Meanwhile, Mountain Claire is talking to Jack and is like, “Thx for being my brother, I totes love you,” and Jack is like, “Hey, can you excuse me a minute?” and then he runs away with Hugo, UCP, and Sun.

They get to the party boat, but Mountain Claire was following them and wants on the boat, and Kate says okay, but Sawyer’s like, “Kaaaaaaate,” and everyone’s like, “She has a gun? And the Smokefather is her friend? Just let her on, dope.”

UCP and Sawyer have an exchange where they’re like, “It’s like looking into my future/past!”  and then Sawyer’s like, “It’s good to have you aboard, Chesty (?)” and then UCP is like, “There’s canned beans downstairs, who wants??” and everyone follows him. I bet it smells down there.

Everyone follows but Jack, who Sawyer goes to talk to. Jack is like, “I don’t think we should leave the island, and also, your hair is the worst,” and Sawyer’s like, “I’m trying something new. Get off my boat.”

So, Jack’s like, “Bye!” They dock the party boat at Hydra Island and all the stupid nerds, including Stupid Nerd, come out of the trees with guns, and, like, how are they always ALWAYS exactly where anybody lands on their stupid nerd island?

Sun and Jin are finally reunited, so yay!

And everyone’s all happy and heart-warmed and not noticing the guns still pointed at them. Except Sawyer who seems down in the dumps. He didn’t get it. He didn’t get that they were reunited. Maybe it’s because Jack was like, “My bad about Juliette, btw,” before he jumped? Mystery: solved.

Then the Stupid Nerd is like, “I got a new walkie talkie. Oh, yeah! I did. And I’m talking to Fauxstralian. And Fauxstralian says to kill all of you.”

And everyone’s like, “Sawyer? You’re the worst. You’re now worse than Kate. You are also dumber than Jack. Thx.”

Meanwhile, Jack swam across the whole wide world and got back to the regular island and the Smokefather’s like, “They stole my party boat, didn’t they?” and Jack’s like, “I’m only mildly out of breath.” And then there’s an explosion.

And Jack’s like, “I’m one of those sticky frog things on a car window. Get it? Do you get it?”

And then the Smokefather comes and carries him off, like, true love style.