Boo!!!

So, remember how they were bringing Russell Crowe to Hydra Island last week? It turns out it wasn’t Russell Crowe. Which is fine. So, this guy Desmond wakes up and sees that stupid nerd staring at him, which would probably make me slip back into a coma, and then he freaks out and starts asking for Penny, who I guess is his wife. And then Fauxstralian comes in and is like, “Your wife’s not here, because I brought you back to the island, so.”

Then Desmond twitches for a while.

And then tries to kill Fauxstralian.

Jin shows up and is like, “WTF?” Fauxstralian ignores him and tells the Stupid Nerd to go ahead and start the test, and she’s like, “That test isn’t scheduled for tomorrow,” and Fauxstralian’s like, “Thanks for saying ’scheduled’ so I can say ’shedjuhled’ back and sound like an authentic person with an accent.”

So, Stupid Nerd goes into the room with all the other stupid nerds and she’s like, “We’re going to do the test now. Also, we are go. I always wanted to say that and I forgot to say it when I walked in, so I’m saying it now, even though I just said the exact same thing as ‘we are go’ right before that. Also, I’m going to press my finger to my ear as if I have an ear piece, which I totally don’t, but I want you guys to think I have an ear piece, okay?”

Then the Stupid Fat Nerd is like, “I’m bent out of shape about this, also, you’re going to take the test next, rabbit,” and the rabbit’s like, “Solid. Seriously. Like, whatever this test is, I want in, because I have a suspicion it would kill me, and I want to die. I hate all of you stupid fat nerds.”

The test is, like… something electromagnetic something something event and this one guy went out to the shed where the electromagnetic something something is held and then this other stupid nerd inside is like, “Should I throw the switch now?” and all the other nerds are like, “Please don’t,” and he’s like, “You got it,” and then he throws the switch, and the guy in the something electromagnetic something is fried to death, and all the nerds run outside to see if he’s okay, but that Stupid Fat Nerd TAKES HIS SHOTGUN, like just in case he’ll have to shoot the something something electromagnet. Anyway, they bring Desmond to the little shed and he sees the Fry Guy.

And Jin is like, “Um… No, seriously. WTF?”

I don’t know. He’s inside a big electromagnet?

Oh, okay.

Anyway, back in LA, Desmond has just gotten off the plane, and he sees Claire struggling with her bag and helps her. And then he’s like, “I have a limo waiting for me, and there’s candy in my car, would you like to come with me?” and she’s like, “Stranger danger, but nice meeting you.” Seriously, why was he being such a creeper?

Then, his limo driver is like, “Do you want some company? I can get you prostitutes. Girl ones, I mean. I can get you boy ones, too, if that’s what you’re into. What I mean to say is, Do you want to have sex with me for money?”

So, Desmond works for Fauxstralian, and Fauxstralian tells him that he has to go to the courthouse to pick up the bass player in his son’s band so that their band can play at some kind of charity event hosted by his wife that night. And then he gives him some Scotch in shot glasses, and Desmond’s like, “That’s 60-year-old scotch in those shot glasses,” and Fauxstralian’s like, “Yeah, I know. Cool, huh? I got the shot glasses at Rainforest Cafe,” and Desmond’s like, “You’re tacky.” And then Desmond says slainte, which I know means cheers because I watched Monarch of the Glen. Fun fact.

So, the guy he has to pick up is Penis Boat, who runs off into traffic to go to a bar, and Desmond’s like, “He’s still a good kid, he just lacks focus. I feel like I’ve lost control of him, what do I do?” and the lady from the courthouse is like, “Not my problem. Bye!”

So he follows him to the bar and he tries that method that teachers try when a kid has already done something they’re not supposed to do and they go, “Okay, I’m allowing you to do this,” so they feel like they still have some authority left, but kids can always see through it. So, he’s like, “One drink, okay? Okay? Penis Boat. Okay?”

So, does anyone watching this show not constantly say “hobbit hobbit hobbit” to themselves every time he’s on screen? Anyway, he tells Desmond a story about how he was on the plane and he was dying and he caught this glimpse of the person he was meant to be with and I was so hoping he would say it was Jack, but it turns out that it’s Claire (and I guess he didn’t actually see her on the plane, he just saw her while he was choking on his baggie of drugs), but then he says that when he woke up, he say an idiot staring back at him, and that’s Jack, which is good enough.

Friendship! Until Penis Boat grabs the wheel and runs the car into the ocean. Desmond gets out, but Penis Boat is passed out, so he dives back in to save him.

And then Penis Boat is like, “I’m not really sleeping. I’m just trying to freak you out.”

Then Desmond has a hallucination? Or, like, a flash back? I have no idea.

Anyway, he gets Penis Boat out and they go to the hospital, and he goes in to have an MRI, but then he starts seeing visions of Penny (who in this reality he’s never met?) and he flips out and stops the MRI so he can go find Penis Boat. They won’t let him see him, because he’s not family, but then he recognizes Jack from the plane and goes over to talk to him.

When Shannon Doherty was on 90210, she was kind of notorious for getting into huge fights with people off-screen, and there are a lot of episodes where you can tell that she had just gotten through a tearful screaming match with someone. Like, her eyes would be all puffy and red, even though in the scene she’s just like, “Hey, Brandon, do you want some ice cream?? I have a date with Dylan tonight! I’m very happy!” Just thought I’d mention that.

Anyway, it turns out that he doesn’t need Jack to help him, because Penis Boat escapes his hospital room and runs out, even though, I mean, they couldn’t possibly have been holding the guy against his will. There are security guards and nurses and doctors chasing after him, but as soon as Desmond follows him, they’re all like, “Let’s just let that professional handle it.” Desmond and Penis Boat start yelling at each other, and Desmond’s like, “Why did you try to kill me?” and Penis Boat’s like, “I was trying to make you hallucinate like me and I thought it would be fun for both of us,” and then Desmond’s like, “Why do you have your name – Penis Boat – written on your hand?” and Penis Boat’s like, “I don’t, bye!”

After Penis Boat runs off, Desmond goes to find Mrs. Fauxstralian and tell her that it’s his fault the band won’t be playing at her party, and she’s like, “Yeah, it’s fine. Nice meeting you!”

Then he overhears someone going over the guest list mention the name Penny, so he asks to see the list, and Mrs. Fauxstralian pops up and is like, “Confidential! Disappointed!”

So, like… I don’t know. She tells him that he should stop looking for something else, because his life is really great, or whatever. But, she keeps doing this thing where he’s like, “How do you know what I’m looking for?” and she’s like, “Exasperation! I just bloody do!” Boo, Mrs. Fauxstralian. You’re the worst.

Desmond goes to leave, but then Fauxstralian’s son – the guy in the band – comes to find him and he tells him that one time he had a dream where he was with the person he was supposed to be with and then he woke up and wrote an equation for a nuclear bomb? And then he’s like, “I might have already set off a nuclear bomb? I just farted. It was loud. Did you hear it? Did you?” And then he says Penny is his sister and tells Desmond where he can find her.

So, Desmond goes to this stadium where Penny is running and he goes up to her and starts smiling goofily and laughing awkwardly and he’s like, “Hi, you’re Penny, right?” and for some reason, Penny’s not like, “Rapist/stalker???!?!??!?!?!!?” and instead is like, “Hi! Who are you? It doesn’t really matter.”

Back on the island, Desmond wakes up in the electromagnetic something something shed and he suddenly is like, “I will help you with absolutely anything you want help with.”

And then Sayid shows up and kills some of the nerds, but he lets the Stupid Nerd go, which made me sad. And he’s like, “Desmond, Desi, Des, these people suck. Come with me.” And Desmond’s like, “I will do absolutely anything you tell me to do.” So, what? Did he see what was happening… in the other LA… or… I don’t know. Nevermind.

Back in LA, I guess Desmond fainted when Penny shook his hand. Embarrassing! He asks her out and she definitely should have thought this one through – stalker; dark, empty stadium; lots of giggling; passes out frequently – before saying yes.

But she does. Mystery solved.