Oy vey.

I can’t even explain what the hell is happening in this scene, because I have no idea when or where or how it’s taking place. That crying lady is in a hospital and Jacob’s talking to her but then they’re, like, continuing the same conversation in the hospital but now she’s not all bandaged? I don’t know.

On the island, Sun is explaining to Jack that they’re candidates and the crying lady is supposed to protect them, and Jack keeps going, “But, why?” after everything she says. She tells them that she and Jack and Hugo are candidates and Unfrozen Caveman Pilot is like, “Greeeeeeat.” So then the crying lady says that Jacob told them to ask Ricardus what to do next, and she points at Richard and she’s like, “Well, Ricardus. What do we do next?” like a total bitch. I don’t understand her.

Richard flips out. He’s like, “Um, Jack, didn’t you tell all these people that I was trying to kill myself before?” and Jack’s like, “Huh?” and Richard is like, “Do you want to know a secret, Jack?” and Jack’s like, “Yyyyyyyyyyno? I don’t know! That’s a toughie,” and then Richard is like, “We’re all dead and this is hell!” And, like, okay. I realize that Richard is acting like a crazy person. And I realize that he just told everyone that he was attempting suicide (don’t do it!) about ten minutes ago. But, really? Everyone’s just sort of like, “Stare straight ahead. Don’t look at the crazy person. He’s talking crazy. Don’t look at him. Don’t do it.” I mean, they’re on a mystery island where a big plume of poorly animated smoke regularly wanders around and pours ketchup on people. They’ve gotten off (?) but have come back (?) and now can’t get off (??) and have almost died and people who have died are still kicking around and new buildings keep popping up everywhere, and, like… I’m not saying that it is hell, but are they all seriously not going to even consider the possibility? Not one of them? Unfrozen Caveman Pilot isn’t even gonna give this some thought? Like, “This has been a hell-ish experience, so…”

Anyway, Richard says that he’s done listening to Jacob and he’s going to go listen to someone else and he grabs a big torch and runs off to the Shadowgate castle, and then Jack sits back and is like, “Doooooooy.” They tell him that the Stepfather, or some version of him anyway, is still around and then he’s like, “Uhhhhhh.” He sees Hugo talking in Spanish to a ghost and he’s like, “Tell me what Jacob’s saying, because you’re obviously talking to Jacob,” and Hugo’s like, “This ghost is not Jacob and this also has nothing to do with you, so back off,” so Jack is like, *sob*. Ben tells the crying lady to stop pushing Richard because he definitely doesn’t know anything, and he’s sure of this because he’s known Richard since he was twelve. Unfrozen Caveman Pilot is like, “Wow, you guys have known each other since you were kids? Neat.” Then Ben tells him that Richard has always looked the same, so Unfrozen Caveman Pilot is like, “So, this guy doesn’t age. How in the hell do you think that happened?” Um, way to set up a flashback, Lost. Also, isn’t it striking anyone around the campfire that maybe Richard was onto something? He’s immortal, Hugo’s talking to ghosts, Jack has not gotten any smarter after all these years… Maybe there’s something mysterious going on??

Anyway, Richard is in the old timey Canary Islands in the old timey 1860s, wearing old timey pants and lots of old timey dirt. And his gf does that thing they always do in movies where she’s like, “I’m gonna start coughing into a handkerchief so you know there’s gonna be blood on it, because people normally just cough into their hands,” so he rides to a doctor (?) who’s like, “I don’t feel like riding my horse tonight, but you can buy some medicine from me,” and Richard’s like, “Here are three magic beans,” and the doctor’s like, “That’s not enough for this jar of powder,” and Richard’s like, “Okay, wait, here’s a cross that my dying gf just gave me,” and the doctor’s like, “This is worthless, it belongs on the floor,” and Richard’s like, “It’s not worthless because the sentimental value is huge on this thing!” and the doctor’s like, “You cannot have this powder, but I will keep your magic beans,” and then Richard kills him. Like, by accident. He grabs the medicine and runs back to his gf, but she’s already dead, and I don’t know what he was planning on doing with that powder anyway, because he looked like he was about to just pour it down her throat. My brother Jeff and I used to do spice tests, where we would dare each other to eat something out of the spice rack, like bullion cubes. But then one day, on his own, he was like, “I’m gonna do my own spice test and eat some cocoa powder, because it will be awesome,” and it turned into a paste in his mouth and he couldn’t swallow it, and drinking water made it worse, and I laughed and laughed. That’s definitely what would have happened to Richard’s Ricardo’s gf. You know, if she had been alive.

So, Ricardo is going to hang for murder, and the priest comes in to talk to him the day before and is like, “Are you ready for your confession?” and Ricardo’s like, “Totes. I accidentally murdered the doctor, and I absolutely did not mean to,” and the priest is like, “Sorry, can’t forgive you,” and I’m like, “What?” and Ricardo’s like, “¿Cómo?” and the priest is like, “You can’t be forgiven unless you repent,” and I’m like, “That’s what I’m saying: give him a Hail Mary or whatever,” and Ricardo’s like, “Yeah, what she said,” and the priest is like, “Sorry! Not enough time, because you’re going to be hanged tomorrow,” and I’m like, “WHAT???” and Ricardo’s like, “¿¿¿CÓMO???” and the priest is like, “You’re going to hell. Nothing I can do. I’m just God’s voice on earth. Bye!”

The next day, Ricardo’s brought to some guy who looks at his tongue (?) and asks him to speak in English, and Ricardo’s like, “I can totes speak English because my gf and I were going to go to the, how you say, New World?” and the guy is like, “Here’s a bag full of money, Father,” and the priest is like, “Damn right,” and Ricardo’s like, “WTF?” and then the guy tells Ricardo that he’s been sold as a slave (?) to some guy who’s going to the new world?

He’s on a ship chained to a wall with a bunch of other guys and the ship is called Black Rock and I bet that means something to someone, doesn’t it? Well, not to me. They see an island with a big statue on it and one of the guys starts screaming that it’s the devil and they’re going to hell and they crash into the statue and that’s why there’s just a big foot statue on the island (?). So, the captain of the ship comes down after they crash and starts killing everyone who’s chained up below because the island is isolated and there’s no food or water and if he let them go, he knows they’d eventually want to kill him. But before he gets to Ricardo the black smoke comes and kills him and then it stops in front of Ricardo and, like, takes pictures of him (?) and then goes away. Then his gf shows up and she’s like, “Hey, babes! We’re in hell. Let’s get you out of these chains and find a safe place in hell to hang out. Whoops! Here comes the black smoke. I’m gonna run and then I’ll come back later, and UH OH I’M DEAD! AGAIN!”

So then there’s, like, a twenty minute montage of Richard trying to get out of his chains and it’s all very boring and involves a wild boar.

Then some guy shows up, and I bet people who watch this show know who he is, but I don’t. He lets Ricardo free if he promises to help him, and then he brings him outside and gives him a knife and tells him to go to where the statue is and kill the devil, because it’s the only way to get off the island. So, Ricardo goes and finds Jacob, who is supposed to be the devil, at least according to that one guy, and Jacob’s like, “I’m totes not the devil,” and Ricardo’s like, “I don’t believe you, we’re obvs in hell,” and then Jacob’s like, “How’s this for hell??”

And he keeps dunking him in the water all, “Still think you’re dead?” I guess he got his point across? But it was a little excessive. So, he tells him that they’re not in hell, but he shows him a bottle of wine and says the wine inside is hell and the cork keeps hell from spreading, and the island is the cork. So, hell is under the mystery island. Mystery: solved.

He also tells Ricardo that the temple over there (the Indiana Jones one) is, like, his clubhouse and no girls allowed or whatever. Ricardo asks him if he’s the devil and Jacob says no, and Ricardo cocks his head to one side, like, “Wow, I really thought you were gonna say yes!” Okay, so… The guy that freed Ricardo thinks that everyone’s evil, and Jacob thinks that there’s good in people, and he brings them to the island to prove it? But, he doesn’t want to step in to help them figure out what’s right and wrong, because they’ll never learn if they don’t figure it out themselves. So, he’s effing Jigsaw, I knew it. But, since he just sits back to watch what happens, the black smoke always ends up killing everyone, so this experiment doesn’t seem to be working out too well.

So, Ricardo’s like, “That is retarded,” and Jacob’s like, “Hey, Ricardo, do you want a job?” and Ricardo’s like, “What are the hours?” and Jacob’s like, “Forever? You can tell people what’s right and wrong, since I’m too busy decorating my secret temple clubhouse,” and Ricardo’s like, “What’s the pay?” and Jacob’s like, “Absolutely anything, except bringing your gf back or keeping you from going to hell,” and Ricardo’s like, “Fine, smartypants, then I never want to die,” and Jacob’s like, “You got it,” and Ricardo’s like, “Shiiiit.”

Ricardo goes back to the guy who freed him and gives him a white rock from Jacob and I bet that means something important. And then the guy’s like, “You didn’t kill the devil, huh? Oh, well, here’s your cross. Later!” and then Ricardo, like, drools on it for a while, and then buries it. Then, back in forward in time (?) Richard finds the bench (the bench!) he buried the cross near and he digs it up. It was buried under about three inches of dirt. Does it ever rain on this island? That thing would have been gone a hundred years ago.

So, then Hugo finds him and tells him that he’s been talking to his dead gf’s ghost, and Richard’s like, “BS,” and Hugo’s like, “No, seriously. Listen to me speak in Spanish,” and I’m like, “But, you’re Hispanic, it’s not that much of a stretch that you could speak Spanish…” but Richard’s like, “Holy shit,” and his dead gf’s like, “Stop being a baby, besides I’m still hanging around all the time,” and then Richard’s like, “Thx,” and Hugo’s like, “NP. BTW, she said to stop the guy who freed you from leaving the island or we’ll all go to hell,” and then they show the Smokefather watching them, and I was like, “That was a good way to end the episode.”

Except it wasn’t the end, because they still have to go, I don’t know, back in time? To old timey times? I’m not sure. And Jacob gives the original Smokefather (?) his analogy wine to pass the time, and the original Smokefather smashes it on a rock, and get it? Hell? On the… Whatever.