Q: Where has this guy been?

A: Taking care of this guy.

Q: How did Sawyer get out of that cave when his retardation broke all of the ladders on the way down? A: The writers were too busy solving the extremely complicated mysteries that they forgot to solve the really simple ones: Sawyer built an elevator out of sticks.

The Smokefather and his friends show up and Jin freaks out a little bit and gives a couple half-hearted wtf faces, so I didn’t even bother grabbing them, but then Sawyer tells him that they’re all getting off the island and he promises they’ll find Sun if she’s still there.

Then Saywer sees Kate.

And he’s like, “Oh. Hi.” Which is the perfect reaction for when you see Kate.

Back in LA, Sawyer is having sex with this lady, and he keeps making that noise that’s like, that gross noise that cats make that some people call purring, but I call “mechanical gears grinding against each other.” Anyway, he jumps out of bed because he has a meeting to go to, and his briefcase falls open and a bunch of money falls out.

So the lady grabs a gun and drops her voice a few octaves and is like, “My husband’s a con-man, and you obviously are, too. How stupid do you think I am?” And then Sawyer’s like, “Exactly as stupid as you think I think you are, plus thirty stupid points. I am a cop, and this was an elaborate sting that had something to do with your husband (?) and there are cops outside waiting to bust in,” and the lady’s like, “Duh, if there are cops, why didn’t they bust in when I pointed a gun at you?” and then Sawyer’s like, “Duh, because I didn’t say the magic words: da flewda.” Then the cops bust in arrest her? I thought they were trying to get to her husband. I’m confused. And also, why is Sawyer’s name Sawyer again?

Hey, it’s Miles. Sawyer’s partner. Tossin’ him his badge. Tellin’ him to put on some clothes. Watchin’ Sawyer put his badge over his bare chest and look down at himself approvingly. This show is a comedy.

By the way, I’ve seen a lot of Lifetime movies and a fair number of police procedurals where the cops get it on, like, actually get it on with people who are of interest to a case. But, I mean, what is that all about? Isn’t that taking things a little too far? What about the other cops? Like, were Miles and the other cops out in the van listening to the audio from the room like, “Ugh, Sawyer’s boning a suspect again. Let’s just turn the sound down for a couple of minutes till it’s over,” or were they like, “Here it is. He’s started the boning. Let’s listen in”?

Back on the island, the Smokefather asks everyone to gather round and he tells them that smoke killed all of the remaining temple people and then he comforts a child by saying that they’re all safe as long as they stick with the Smokefather, and I mean, haven’t any of these people seen the Stepfather or the Stepfather 2? He’s about five seconds away from smiling at everyone and then going behind a tree and screaming obscenities at himself.

Meanwhile, Kate sees Mountain Claire’s voodoo baby and she’s like, “WTF?” and Mountain Claire’s like, “He’s all I had. Get it?”

And then when the Smokefather makes his motivational speech, Mountain Claire holds Kate’s hand, and even Kate is like, “Um, this is weird.”

Back in LA, Miles overhears Sawyer on the phone with some random guy, and he’s like, “Who’s that?” and Sawyer’s like, “Stammer stammer, Lakers tickets? Friend? Friend with tickets? Friend who can give me Lakers tickets?” and Miles is like, “How was Palm Springs, btw?” and Sawyer is like, “Palm…Springs…mai tais? Mai tais? Does Palm Springs have mai tais? I had mai tais. In Palm Springs,” and Miles is like, “I’ve set you up on a blind date tonight, and I’d like a Lakers ticket as well,” and Sawyer’s like, “They’re really hard to get though, for this guy, and there might not be enough seats?” and then Miles is like, “You don’t have to lie to me, since you’re obviously lying, and I’m obviously a cop and I can kind of tell,” and Saywer’s like, “GROWL why would I lie?”

Back on the island, the Smokefather tells his friends to keep walking a little ways and then Sawyer does that thing where he starts and stops talking only when the Smokefather starts and stops talking, like David Brent at staff training. So, the Smokefather tells him that the smoke is actually him, and he only killed people because they wanted to kill him, and then he gets like Dianne in Fat Camp and he’s like, “No, thanks, I don’t feel like dying today.” Then he tells Sawyer that he has a special job for him, because that’s what you tell the kids that are smart but just don’t know how to apply themselves, and he asks him to row this tiny boat over to Hydra Island and get the plane there ready for takeoff. But he also tells him that there’s a bunch of people who came on that plane that will probably want to kill him and Sawyer gets soooo whiny and is like, “But, I don’t wanna be put in danger,” and the Smokefather is like, “You’ll be fine. Happy trails.”

Back in LA, Sawyer goes on the blind date. She tells him she’s an architect and then he tries to tell her that he’s a cop because he saw the movie Bullit once, but then she’s like, “Don’t eff with me. Why are you really a cop?” and then he’s like, “Because I was either going to be a criminal or a cop and I chose cop.” Then she’s like, “I’m giving you sex eyes. Our date has been going on for ten minutes.” Really? I mean, really? I won’t even get into attractiveness because I don’t believe that anyone could look past Sawyer’s dirty haze that quickly. That seems like something that would come with time, like, when you realize that he’s actually not dirty, he just looks dirty. And this isn’t even a general comment about sex on the first date. This is specific about this date. Because, really? Is it because he called you Indiana Jones? Like, you’ve never heard that before? Is it because he told you why he wanted to be a cop and you told him to be real with you and then he gave you the exact same explanation, just with five extra words? REALLY?

Anyway, back at his place, he goes to get some water and she asks to borrow a t-shirt. So, she’s looking through the drawer and she comes across this old binder with the name Sawyer written on it in marker, and at first she looks like this:

But then when she discovers a clipping about a murder-suicide, she looks like this:

And then Sawyer comes in like this:

Because, even when he’s screaming at someone to get out of his personal stuff and get out of his apartment, he’s gotta pose.

Back on the island, Kate comes up to Sayid and she’s like, “Heeeeeey, Sayid,” and he’s like, “Hi,” and she’s like, “Why are you acting like a zombie? Are you okay?” and he’s like, “Noooo,” in a creepy baby voice.

And then Mountain Claire tries to kill Kate while Sayid just stares at them, which was my favorite part of the entire series, yes, even the parts I never saw. The Smokefather breaks it up, and he points his finger at Mountain Claire and he’s like, “Inappropriate,” and then she wanders off. Then he asks Kate – who has, now that the fight is over, picked up her rifle ready to bust Claire’s head in – if she’s all right, and she’s like, “NO I’M NOT ALL RIGHT NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!!!”

And the Smokefather is like, “Ugh. You’re the worst.”

On Hydra Island, Sawyer has found the plane and he’s very excited/dirty.

But then it smells bad, because all of the people the Smokefather warned him about are dead in a big circle. And then he hears rustling.

And then he finds a frightened nerd.

Back in LA, I guess this is Penis Boat’s brother. Am I right? Did I solve a mystery?

Also at the police station, Miles starts yelling at Sawyer who’s like, “She opened the wrong drawer, and by that I mean she opened the drawer I told her to open, but it was the wrong drawer, because I gave her the wrong drawer to open,” and Miles is like, “What? I’m mad at you because you went to Australia and not Palm Springs,” and then Sawyer’s like, “Australia is the wrong drawer?” and then Miles is like, “What were you doing in Australia?” and then Sawyer’s like, “I wanted to go on a walkabout but they wouldn’t let me, and by that I mean, it’s none of your business,” and then Miles is like, “We’re not partners or bffs anymore.” And then Sawyer gets so startled by his own reflection in a mirror that he punches it.

Back on the island, Sawyer offers the nerd some water and she’s like, “Are you kidding? I effing LOVE water.” She tells him that all the other people on Hydra Island died and she spent two days dragging their bodies around the island? Then he tells her that she can go back to the other island with him, and she starts asking him all these questions in this high-pitched voice, like, “Where did you get those guns?” “Do you like planes?” “I like your shirt, are there more shirts like that back on your island?” “Where do you get your haircut?” “Do you like my glasses?”

Then she asks him when he crashed and what plane was he on, and he’s like, “It’s a long story, that involves rafts and helicopters and submarines and vacation condos, I don’t want to get into it now. Where was your plane headed?” and she’s like, “Ummmmmm, Guam, that’s right, Guam. Guam? We were headed to Guam. My boyfriend lives there.” So Sawyer points a gun at her because he’s like, Nobody’s bf lives in Guam, are you kidding?

So, she signals for these other people who come out of the jungle with their own guns.

Meanwhile, the Smokefather finds Kate, who’s crying her usual self-pitying cry, and he tells her in his baby voice that he’s sorry for what happened. He told Mountain Claire that the hippies took her baby because she needed an enemy to focus on? And then when Kate told her the truth, it made her freak out. Then Kate calls him a dead man (not like a threat, just like a statement of fact), and the Smokefather is like, “You don’t have to be such a bitch about it.”

Then the Smokefather’s like, “Do you want to go see where I sent Sawyer?” and Kate follows him and is like, “That’s the island where we were in cages, you could have just said we were going to go look at the cage island,” and I’m like, “The what?” and the Smokefather’s like, “We never get to spend any quality time alone, just you and me.” He tells her that his mother was crazy, and that he had growing pains, or he watched a lot of Growing Pains? And that it caused a lot of problems for him, and that she should know this because now Aaron has a crazy mother. I like to think that he’s actually referring to Kate.

Back in LA, Sawyer goes home and makes dinner and watches Little House on the Prairie. Little House on the Prairie?? My sister must be in love with Sawyer now. Something that Pa says makes him go pick a giant sunflower and buy a six-pack and visit his blind date from the night before. She’s like, “Not even,” when she answers the door, and he’s like, “Whyyyyyy?” and she’s like, “Sunflowers don’t make up for being kicked out of a house at 3:00am.” I mean, not to say that I wouldn’t be completely pissed if some guy yelled at me to leave his house at three in the morning, but it’s not like she didn’t eagerly open up a binder she found and realize that this guy was probably the son of the guy in the newspaper clipping who had committed murder-suicide. I mean, if she’s supposed to be like Indiana Jones, isn’t she supposed to be smart? Anyway, she tells him he blew it and then slams the door in his face.

He leaves the sunflower, but keeps the beer. (PS – How did he know where she lived?)

Back on Hydra Island, the giant pushpin is almost ready for assembly, and Sawyer is sent into a submarine by the nerd.

Inside, he meets Bradford Meade, who’s attempting a really bad Australian (?) accent. Sawyer must be really sick of bald men. I guess this guy is responsible for the stinky dead people who were passengers on the plane? And the nerd and the other nerds who came out of the jungle and Bradford Meade are … I don’t even know. Submarine-based contract killers? So, Sawyer says that he was sent over here by the Stepfather and Bradford knows the Stepfather’s dead, so Sawyer basically tells Bradford duh, and he’ll send the Smokefather to him and let Bradford kill him with the giant pushpin, as long as no other people from the island are harmed and everyone else gets off of the island safely.

When Sawyer gets back, the Smokefather is like, “OMG I missed you sooooo much!” he’s so excited. Sawyer tells him that the other passengers from the other plane (confused) are dead, but there are a few other armed people over there. He also tells him that he told Bradford that he’d let them kill the Smokefather as long as they could get off the island.

Then he’s like, “But you said you’d get me off the island first, so I double crossed the double cross deal, and we’re triple crossed back around again and when we don’t show up the way I told Bradford we’d show up, you’ll be able to kill everyone and get us off the island,” and the Smokefather is like, “I’m proud of you, son.”

Back in LA, Sawyer is like, “Beep beep! Let’s be friends again!” and Miles is like, “Boo.” But then Sawyer shows him his Sawyer folder, and I guess Sawyer is actually some grifter who is somehow the reason that Sawyer’s dad killed himself and his mother, and Sawyer’s been trying to find him, but in alterna-reality mystery island world, he calls himself Sawyer? I don’t know. Anyway, Miles is like, “We can still be bffs.” But then a car crashes into them because it was swerving to avoid a fugitive, who Sawyer ends up catching and BOO it’s Kate.

Back on the island, Sawyer finds Kate and tells her about Bradford Meade, and says that he’s actually double crossing the second double cross of the day, so now he’s up to, like, dodecacrossing? He’s going to let Bradford and the Smokefather fight it out, and while they’re not looking, he and Kate will sneak into the sub and float away. And then she’s like, “Can we be bf/gf now?” and he’s like, “My face is soooo dirty.”