Previously on Dawson’s Creek…
Pacey and Joey were married (?).
Andie faked sexual assault so Pacey would pity her and take her back, but then her boat-related gifts made him think of boat-related relationship metaphors and he broke up with her again.
Gail came back. That’s how it went.
And Jen (ugh) became homecoming queen (ugh) and invited Henry (UGH) and then tried to rile up the old ladies at the Former Homecoming Queens Dinner (?) by inviting DRAG QUEENS because Jen is crazy and once lived in the Big Apple. Just a side note. The reason that the only season of Freaks and Geeks took so long to be released is because they wanted to make sure that they got releases for every piece of music that was played in the original broadcasts of the show. I realize that that takes a considerable amount of effort/money and I don’t remember many of the original songs from Dawson’s Creek. But the ad on the dvd for the dvd sets includes the copy, “All the music!” somewhere between, “The show you remember,” and “The characters you love,” but not even the theme song (the iconic annoying theme song) is the same on the dvds. So, in this scene (which I always zip through, so I never noticed this until tonight), when the drag queens were definitely performing to It’s Raining Men, someone actually spent time writing a song that would have lyrics that would match the words you could see the drag queens mouthing when there were closeups. “Tonight for the first time you left me calling your name.” That cost less money than licensing It’s Raining Men, which is literally used on every tv show and in every movie.
Moving on. The night before a paper on the Crucible is due, Joey goes to the video store where Dawson works to find out if she can rent the movie, and Dawson is like, “I convinced our teacher to let me film some friends taking a guided tour of Witch Island and call it a documentary in lieu of a paper, neat, huh?” and Joey’s like, “That sounds like fun, it’s too bad you didn’t invite me, not that I wanted to be invited or anything,” and Dawson’s like, “Well, I bet if you want to come, you can show up at school tomorrow and tell the teacher that you’re also part of our project even though you never told them before and it definitely seems like you’re latching on last minute to a (barely) planned out project because you forgot to write your paper,” and Joey’s like, “Neat-o, see you then,” and the teacher in me is like, “Students under 18 going on an unsupervised field trip during school hours? I’m so sure.” It’s a running gag throughout the entire episode that Dawson is trying to capitalize off of the Blair Witch Project craze, which keeps making him mad. If you happen to be reading this and you are under the age of 21, the Blair Witch Project is like Paranormal Activity for old people.
Dawson tells Joey that he’s so happy to finally have things back the way they used to be and that he feels better now that everything’s fallen into place and he and what he loves are back together at last and Joey’s like, “Me, too! Are we bf/gf again?” and Dawson’s like, “Interruption! I missed making movies,” and Joey’s like, “Yeah, you made it sound like you were talking about us,” and Dawson’s like, “Here’s my recovery: I was talking about us. About us…making movies together.” And then he says something that sounds like, “I miss our whole let’s make a movie butt craze,” and Joey scowls at him.
Dawson films some of the scary locals talking about Witch Island, which is an island off of the coast of Capeside where suspected witches were banished.
The guy who drives their boat over tells them to make it back to the dock before dark, because he won’t wait for them if they’re late, and the creepy yet chipper tour guide gives them the same advice. Dawson makes light of the witches and the tour guide snaps that they were scared, lonely girls who were torn from everyone they loved because of an unjust world. And then Joey’s like, “Doesn’t that sound familiar, Dawson? Soulmates torn apart by circumstance, always left to wonder what might have been?” Not really, Joey, since you and Dawson are 15 and live five minutes from each other and weren’t torn apart by any circumstances except for the made up circumstance of your dad going to jail and you blaming Dawson and Dawson blaming you for not being cooler about him being an informant.
The tour guide tires of their fake parallels and gives them a book from the gift shop containing diary entries from one of the witches. Joey reads a bunch of them and after every entry, Dawson is like, “Why did you write a diary and have it published and get this island gift shop to purchase it and why are you now reading it to me, and why are you calling me William in it?” and Joey’s like, “Don’t put words in my mouth! It’s not like I started this by telling you that we were exactly like two 17th century lovers ripped from each other’s arms by religion-fueled mania!” and Dawson’s like, “Wah wah, I don’t know how to tell you that I don’t want to be with you at all, but I don’t ever want you to be with anyone else ever in your entire life.” Also, the boat leaves without them and they hear bells clanging at the church, but when they get there, Pacey and Jen are like, “There’s no bell in the bell tower, so.”
Meanwhile, Jen and Pacey have been discussing why they were never an item, and they come to the conclusion that there’s no romantic spark between them, however they both like sex and would like sex with each other. Okay, I have to stop here for a moment, because I hate this storyline, but, whenever I’m zipping through episodes of DC, I always pause for Pacey.
Feel free to use that bumper sticker. But, anyway, this storyline is embarrassing because they both appear to be totally not into this. Anyway, Jen makes a potion from a recipe in a book at the gift shop, and then they go to the church and Joey reads some more from the diary and everyone feigns interest, and then Dawson falls asleep in a pew, and Joey sits by the pulpit swinging her legs like being stuck in a cold and uncomfortable 17th century church on a reputedly haunted island with your ex-bf who you’ve been fighting with all day is not totally awk and crappy. But, here’s where it gets weird. Jen and Pacey are siting about ten feet away from Joey, directly in her eye line, and they start making out.
But not just making out. Like, Jen asks if this whole thing is weird, and then Pacey starts breathing out this doofus line, “In October of 1999, four teenagers went to an island, and two of ‘em started makin’ ooooouuuuutttt,” as he starts kissing her and it makes me start to feel vomity, the way that “touch me trust me” line from Music of the Night makes me feel vomity. Anyway, they’re not totally into it, but they give it another try, and then the church turns into a carnival-style haunted house. Blacklights! Moaning and screams! Chains rattling! A furnace spewing flames at a safe distance from all patrons!
Dawson wakes up and tries to pretend he’s been filming the whole time. Eventually, the noise stops and they all tear out of there to the docks, where there’s a boat waiting for them. As they’re driving away, Dawson films their departure and then makes a presentation to the class that goes something like, “So, our trip to Witch Island was certainly filled with adventure!” and the teacher gives Dawson and Joey and Pacey and Jen all A++ even though Dawson barely did anything and Jen and Pacey spent the whole afternoon talking about the possibility of making out and Joey didn’t even try to mask her complete failure to do her assignment and, most importantly, no conclusions were drawn and absolutely nothing about the Crucible was mentioned in their stupid documentary. Anyway, someone in the class is like, “Hey, who’s that?”
And everyone in the world is like, “How did you see that from the back of the room?” and Dawson is like, “Wow! It’s probably the tour guide and the boat guy and they’re actually the ghosts of the girl that wrote that diary and the guy she was in love with and THAT is my conclusion, the end!” and everyone nods their heads solemnly like David Brent, pretending they get it.
Dawson and Joey watch the video later by themselves and decide that they are friends again. Also, the tv in Dawson’s bedroom was hd before there was hd.
