Unfrozen Caveman Pilot to the rescue!

Ben runs into the Weepy Girl and Sun and Miles and the pilot in the jungle and they almost kill him with their torches and then he’s like, “Hey, thx for making me leave the group and then locking yourselves in a little cave and then trying to kill me when I try to reconnect with you, btw, Toga’s dead,” and the Weepy Girl is like, “Did you do a medical exam? Are you sure?” and Ben is like, “You’re an asshole, their bodies are floating in the poop stream and Sayid has a bloody knife in his hands and a creepy smile on his face,” and Sun is like, “Who’s Toga? He sounds fun!” Then they all yell at the Weepy Girl for telling them the temple would be safer than anywhere else, and Ben suggests they just go back to the beach where they were before, because everyone knows it’s always nicer to sleep in your own bed.

Back in LA, Ben is teaching his high school history class when his principal tells him he has to supervise detention for the rest of the week, which is like GIVING him detention, but worse, because he can’t even sleep at his desk because sometimes kids in school have emergencies like choking or diarrhea and the supervising teacher has to help out. Ben tells him that his history club meets in the afternoons so he can’t do it and the principal is like, “History club is for retards and you’re the head retard, so get over it, MR. Linus,” and Ben is like, “I’m a doctor, sad face.”

In the teachers lounge, that stand up comedian from the plane is like, “Jip, a kid poured formaldehyde on me and now my generic shirt has an invisible stain on it, JIP! I wish we had lab aprons,” and Ben is like, “Principals Just Don’t Understand,” and I’m like, “Thx, Ben, for summing up why I have a degree in education but not a job in education, but big ups to everyone who wound up getting jobs in teaching.” Then the Stepfather is like, “Why don’t you just be the principal,” and Ben is like, “I’m not sure that that’s how it works, and besides, who would listen to me?” and the Stepfather is like, “I’m raising my hand. Get it? Do you get it?

Back on the island, Miles asks Ben what exactly killed everyone back at the temple, and Ben says it’s the same thing that killed all of Weepy Girl’s friends at the other temple. Weepy Girl asks if it was the same thing that killed Jacob and Ben’s like, “Uhhh, yyyyeeeessss?” Did she have something going on with Jacob or something? What’s her problem? Then she says to Miles that she’s heard he can talk to the dead, and Miles gets completely nerdy about it and explains all of the technicalities. So she gives him the craft fair pouch filled with Jacob’s ashes and tells him to figure out what Jacob’s last thoughts were. Ben is like, “Shiiiiiiiit,” and Miles is like, “Ding! Ben killed him,” and Ben is like, “Guh huh, whaaaat? Crazy, this guy, amiright, high five?” and WG is like, “Angry glare,” and Miles is like, “I’m totally 100% sure of this,” and WG is like, “Jacob was the closest thing I had to a father.” Oh! Wait, what? I don’t get it. And THEN, after WG turns and keeps walking, someone – I don’t know who! – goes, “Uh oh!” What??

They make it to the beach and WG tells all of them to start building shelters and fires, and have I mentioned I don’t like WG? At all? She’s obnoxious. Ben asks if he can help and she freezes him out, so he starts rambling about how psychics suck, right?? and Miles is a crappy psychic AND he tried to blackmail Ben once can you believe it?? WG walks away without saying anything, and the Unfrozen Cavemen Pilot is like, “You’re a loser.”

Back in LA, Ben is making his sickly father a frozen dinner and he’s like, “Eat it, Dad. It’s organic. I’m trying to keep you healthy.” I mean, I would start with NOT frozen meals, but that’s just me. (And, ps, I love those Banquet Chicken Parmigiana dinners.) His dad says, um, something like, “If I hadn’t signed you up for that Darma Initiative… uh… blah blah, I bet this is important but I don’t really get it so I’m confused… Maybe we should have stayed on the island?” What? So, I guess his dad signed up for some shady government project in, like, the 70s (that’s why there’s hippies, I’m solving the mysteries!) and then when they got there, Ben – who was like, 10 – was like, “Um, Dad, they have frozen meals, but there’s no organic!” and his dad was like, “Ok, let’s go back home.” Then a student comes to the front door and is like, “Inappropriate student-teacher interaction tomorrow?” and Ben is like, “Sounds great, little girl!”

Somewhere in the jungle, Stinky Jack tells Hugo that they have to get back to the temple. Hugo tries to stall him by asking for breakfast first, and Jack says that they can eat on the way. If I were Hugo, I would have asked what they were going to eat, considering they are both empty-handed, and the confused stare Jack would have given would have eaten up plenty of time. But anyway, Jack makes them press on, and Hugo keeps trying to stall him, but then Richard pops up out of nowhere and is like, “Come with me, if you want to get back to the temple,” and Jack’s like, “Where did you come from?” and Richard’s like, “It was a wild ride you wouldn’t believe, and it involved being in a sack up in the trees.” So, Jack and a reluctant Hugo follow Richard.

Back on the island, Sun goes up to WG and is like, “Excuse me, um, bitch? When do we get to leave? I want to find my husband,” and WG is like, “If anyone in the entire world wants to find your husband the most, it’s me, because I’m the worst.” She tells Sun that either she or Jin or both of them are candidates and WG is supposed to protect the candidates.

Ben, meanwhile, is wandering around looking for Playboy magazines and the pilot is like, “Hey, I was supposed to be a pilot, but I overslept,” and Ben is like, “That’s crazy! I never thought by your uniform that you were a pilot?????” and the pilot is like, “Wouldn’t it have been weird if I was a pilot on that plane and I crashed on a mystery island?” and Ben is like, “You are on the mystery island,” and I’m like, “?????” Then, UGH, WG is back and she points a gun at Ben and tells him to walk, and Ben and the pilot are like, “Thanks for ruining our one moment of fun we’ve had on this stupid mystery island in the past six years, WG.” WG ties Ben to a tree and then gives him some kind of hollowed out carved tree branch to dig himself a grave and, um, they have Playboy magazines and jumpsuits and BOTTLED WATER and complicated cabling systems to tie people to trees with, but they don’t have actual shovels?

Back in LA, Ben is tutoring that girl and she stars weeping about paying for Yale because she’s poor (and side note, poor people don’t pay tuition at Yale, so quit your crying already, oh and also? it’s a huge pet peeve of mine when people in high school on tv shows act like, without a full scholarship, they’ll never get into college, and it’s like EFFING STUDENT LOANS ALL RIGHT? you’re not so special that you can’t take out an EFFING STUDENT LOAN. that’s what they’re for: to help people who don’t have a lot of money pay for college) and it’s all very non-sequitor to get her to the point where she calls the principal a pervert. Ben is like, “Inappropriate student teacher conduct?” and she’s like, “Ew, as if! Secret gossip time?” and he’s like, “Totes.” So she tells him that she wandered into the nurse’s office with a stomachache one day and fell asleep on a cot and woke up after school and apparently the nurse had forgotten all about her and I’m like, “Unlikely on all counts?” and then she saw the principal and the nurse boning, like, on the cot right next to her, and she’s like, “Lock it up and throw away the key, right?” and Ben’s like, “BFFs don’t tell each other’s secrets, also, Useful Information!”

Back on the island, Miles tells Ben he’s digging really slowly, and Ben is like, “It’s my grave, so I don’t want to get it over with too quickly, also, this shovel is BANANAS.” Ben tells Miles he’ll get off the island and get Miles tons of money if he unties him from the tree, and Miles is like, “There’s some jabloneys (?) buried in this very cemetery with $8million worth of diamonds (?) and I could just dig them up and take it (??)” and then UGH WG shoots at the ground and yells for Ben to dig faster and I wish he would be like, “Get me a real shovel! This thing literally picks up two cubic inches of dirt at a time.”

Meanwhile, Hugo is asking Richard how he looks so great after thirty years (?) and Richard’s like, “Idk,” and Hugo’s like, “Did you time travel?” and Richard’s like, “No,” and Hugo’s like, “Are you a robot?” And Richard’s like, “No,” and Hugo’s like, “Are you a vampire?” and Richard’s like, “No, Jacob gave me a gift,” and Hugo’s like, “Was it the gift of being a vampire robot?” Richard wasn’t leading them to the temple at all, and Jack asks what gives, so Richard tells them that everyone at the temple is dead, but Kate and Sayid weren’t among the bodies. Jack asks Hugo if he knew about this and that’s why he was stalling, and Hugo says that Jacob hinted at it. Richard is like, “You talked to Jacob? Bye, I have to go die now.”

Back in LA, Ben finds the comedian and asks if he’s good with hacking into e-mail accounts, and the comedian is like, “SIGH I’m obvs the best, what do you want?” and Ben is like, “To see if the nurse writes steamy e-mails to the principal?” and the comedian is like, “I thought you were a total nerd, but you’re not! Also, when you get to be principal following the impending scandal, because that’s how principal jobs are given out, I want a better parking spot.”

Back on the island, Richard is in the building he led Jack and Hugo to and Jack comes in there and is like, “Oh, hi, Richard, I didn’t know where you had gone,” and then Hugo is outside, like, “Jack?? JACK?? Where are you? I saw you walk into the only building anywhere near us, but WHERE DID YOU GO??” Richard tells them that Jacob made him work for him, but never told him why, and now that Jacob’s dead he’s been thinking a lot about the meaning of life and how there’s probs no point, and he’d rather just end it and he gets a little misty and hysterical so it drives the point home, and Jack’s like, “Fine, kill yourself then,” and Richard’s like, “Jacob made it impossible for me to commit suicide, but if you light this dynamite, then I can die,” and Jack’s like, “Fine, I’ll kill you then.” So, he lights a stick of dynamite and then sits down like a big dork and tells Richard that he doesn’t think the dynamite will kill either of them because he was just in a lighthouse and blah blah blah he’s there for a reason. And then the dynamite blows up and he totally gets killed and it was awesome!!!

Oh, boo. I made that part up.

Meanwhile… You know, I’ve never understood digging your own grave. I mean, the person’s going to kill you anyway, right? That’s the point, right? So, why don’t you just refuse to dig, let them kill you, and die knowing that they had extra work to do? Anyway, Ben gets a visit from the Smokefather who’s like, “I’ve gathered a group of adventurers and we’re going to be traveling the world, but while we’re gone, we’ll need someone to run the island dances and ice cream socials, and that someone is you, Ben!” and Ben is like, “But, the complicated cabling system tying me to the tree!” and the Smokefather is like, “Magic!” and then he tells Ben to run and get a rifle from a tree in the jungle (elves?) and meet him on the other island (there’s another island?) at the hydra station (THIS HYRDA‘S STATION??). So, you know, he runs.

WG catches up with him, but he points a gun at her and asks for a chance to explain why he killed Jacob. I guess Ben’s daughter died, and he could have saved her, but he didn’t because Jacob told him to come to the island (?) and Jacob didn’t care that Ben’s daughter died, and, even though Ben’s sorry he killed Jacob, he’s kind of not sorry kwim? So, your stupid fake dad is a jerk, WG, get it? Anyway, he asks if he can leave and go find the Smokefather because the Smokefather’s the only person who wants him around, and WG’s like, “I’m the worst, but you can come hang out with us again if you want.”

Back in LA, Ben shows up to the principal’s office with e-mails detailing his affair with the nurse and tries to bribe him into giving up his job and recommending Ben as his successor. I like how the person who looks most shocked throughout this whole exchange is Ben. So, the principal counters by showing Ben the enormous font he uses in his e-mail client, and also that the dopey girl Ben was tutoring wrote to him, and telling Ben that if he forces the principal’s retirement, he will write a letter of un-recommendation for her and then she’ll never get into Yale and boo hoo. Ugh. School sux. If I were Ben, I would still force the principal out, reveal the e-mails, and then tell Yale that a principal who left in disgrace shouldn’t be considered when it comes to recommendation letters. Or, don’t reveal the e-mails and force him out anyway. That girl will graduate in a few months and you’ll never have to see her again and you’ll be principal. Like, kill one to save a thousand or whatever.

But, anyway, he doesn’t, and the girl ends up finding him to say that the principal gave her a glowing recommendation and wants to know if Ben had anything to do with it. Then the principal walks up to them and is like, “Ben, I still hate you, please go away,” and Ben is like, “Hey, I still have a teeny bit of leverage, so isn’t it great that the principal found another teacher to cover detention and now we can go back to having History Club every day after school [nerds!!]?” Um, why doesn’t he just wait a month for this girl to get accepted to Yale and then take the principal’s job?

Back on the island, Ben and WG come back to the beach together. Ben goes over to Sun and asks if she needs any help building their camp and Sun is like, “Uhhhhh, here’s a non-job off the top of my head you can do because I feel bad for you but I also don’t really need any help.” Then this, like, music from Phantom of the Opera starts playing and Hugo and Jack and Richard show up in slow motion and everyone’s really excited to see them, but Richard looks kind of like, “No one wants to hug me? Okay,” and Ben is like, “This is what a family is. I am the creepy uncle. That’s why I’ll be twenty feet away from them at all times.”

Then a submarine is there? And then Bradford Meade is on the submarine? And there’s a guy that’s like, “Hey, there’s a family reunion happenin’ out here,” and Bradford Meade is like, “Keeeep movin’.”