You know what mystery Sayid is trying to solve?

The mystery of why he’s trying to bone everything on + off the island.

In LA, Sayid goes to see his brother’s family. He’s obvs in love with his brother’s wife, Nadia, and she’s clearly in love with him, because her husband is a clown who can’t properly get out of a chair.

“My brother’s such an idiot, right? Love, Sayid.”

Back on the island, Sayid goes to see Toga to ask him why he did all those tests on him. Toga explains that the machine tells him whether a person’s evil or not, and the lights flashed a whole ton when Sayid was hooked up to it. Sayid is like, “I’m a good person, so,” and Toga’s like, “Don’t finish that sentence, because we’re about to have the stupidest fight ever.”

“Grab everything you can! Pottery! Racks! Random debris! Wooden dowels! Brooms! Paintbrushes! Yes! I said paintbrushes!”

The fight ends, though, when Toga’s baseball falls on the floor and he flips out. He tells Sayid to leave the temple and never come back.

Back in LA, Sayid is sleeping on the couch, and his brother wakes him up to tell him that he borrowed money from a loan shark, who’s now extorting more money than is owed. Sayid offers to give him some money, but his brother’s like, “I was thinking, like, you’re really good at torturing people? So, could you just do that? To them?” You know what else Sayid is good at?

Looking at people like he wants to have sex with them. I’m not saying he wants to have sex with his brother. I’m just saying he can’t control his sex eyes. Also, Sayid says that he won’t intimidate anyone for his brother.

Back at the temple, Sayid goes to get his bags from his cubbie in the temple, and Miles is like, “Hey, you’re a zombie, did you know that? You were dead for four hours and nobody knows how you came back to life,” and then he asks him where he’s headed. Sayid is like, “This rosacia won’t clear itself up. I’m going to look for a cure.” Before he can leave, Mountain Claire comes into the temple to deliver a message. The hippies go wild, and she tells Toga that “he” wants to see him outside the temple. Toga says he’ll be killed if he goes out there, and Claire says that he should send someone who won’t get killed then, duh. Toga gets Lispy to put Claire in the hole (?) and then tells Sayid to come with him. Sayid’s like, “You told me to fly like the wind,” and Toga’s like, “I changed my mind, as is my prerogative,” and Sayid’s like

“Let’s do this,” and I’m like, “See what I mean? About the faces?”

Miles is like, “A) Do I get any stories, or…, and B) Where’s Jin? Also, WTF?”

Back in LA, Nadia and Sayid are called to the hospital, where his brother has been taken after having the crap beat out of him. They both know it’s because of the loan sharks, but Nadia begs Sayid to stay out of it and not go after them. He agrees reluctantly and hugs her.

And then he’s like, “Yes, loyal Lost viewer, I also want to have sex with you.”

Back on the island, Toga tells Sayid there’s an evil man out in the jungle who Sayid can kill to prove that he still has good in him. When he gets out to the jungle, he finds Kate lurking by some trees. She asks what’s going on, and Sayid says what I could have SWORN was, “Ask my ass,” and then walks away.

“ASK MY ASS!!”

Kate’s like, “Why does everyone hate me?” Then she goes back to the temple and sees Miles, who’s like, “Ha! Loser. Sawyer sent you packing, didn’t he?” and Kate’s like, “STFU,” and Miles is like, “No, seriously, he did, didn’t he?” and Kate’s like, “Yeah, I guess,” and Miles is like, “Remember that Australian chick? She’s here, and she’s still hot,” and Kate’s like, “WTF??” and Miles is like, “Also, when Sayid says my name, it sounds like he’s saying ‘my ass.’”

Out in the jungle, the Smokefather comes up to Sayid, who immediately stabs him with the knife Toga gave him. Obviously, the Smokefather doesn’t die. In fact, he gets TOTALLY Stepfather about it and tells Sayid he’s really disappointed with him. The Smokefather says that Toga expected that Sayid would die trying to kill him, so he shouldn’t be putting any faith in Toga. Then he asks if Sayid wants to deliver a message for him. Sayid asks why he wouldn’t just get Claire to do it.

And the Smokefather’s like, “Because you’re more awesome.” He tells Sayid that if he delivers the message, he’ll get the one thing he always wanted. Sayid says that that thing died in his arms, but the Smokefather says he’ll get it back.

Then he’s like, “You don’t have the whole creepy stare thing on lock(e), so let’s be creepy together for a minute.”

So, Sayid goes back to the temple and gathers all the hippies and tells them that the man in the jungle wants them to know the following: Jacob was controlling them, Jacob is dead, the man is leaving the island, if they want to leave they should meet back here for the buses at 5:00, if they don’t want to leave they will die. The hippies start to go nuts, of course, and Kate goes tearing through the temple to find Claire. She runs into Lispy who’s like, “Kate! Hi! It’s been a while!’

“Oh, right. I get it. You’re mad at me. If you stop choking me, I’ll take you to your friend, but then I’ll act like I’m in control again after you’ve let go of my neck and tell you you can only have two minutes with her.” Kate goes to see Claire, who is down in a hole which appears to have a ladder in it, so I don’t see why she doesn’t just climb out. Claire seems mildly pleased to see Kate, until Kate tells her that Aaron’s not even on the island anymore, and she raised him herself. Mountain Claire doesn’t like that and glares like a crazy mountain person as Lispy comes back to drag Kate away. As she’s taken out of the room, Claire warns Kate that “he’s coming” and she can’t stop him.

Outside, Miles comes up to Sayid and is like, “Remember how you were back-to-life and seemed kind of sad and creeped out? That was an hour ago. Why are you being all weird and confidant now, and also, are we leaving the temple or are we being killed at 5:00? Is there room on the buses for us?” And Sayid’s like, “Here’s a better question: how many people on this island have I had sex with? At least with my eyes?”

“Count yourself among them, my friend.”

Back in LA, two balding guys grab Sayid outside of his brother’s house and take him to a restaurant kitchen somewhere. Martin, the loan shark, offers to cook Sayid some eggs, because being calm and inappropriate is stock for evil loan sharks. The actor who played Martin must have written a little note that said “♥ Matthew Lillard ♥” on his script. While Martin explains that Sayid’s brother does still owe him lots of money, Sayid checks him out from the front

and the back

and then kills the two balding guys and Martin. So much for a changed man, amiright?

He hears some thumping coming from a pantry, and opens the door, where he finds Jin. Hi, Jin! Jin starts yelling in Korean, and I can understand Korean, so allow me to translate: “Can you wipe this ketchup off my face, please?”

Sayid is like, “I find it really hard to look at people without being like, ‘To the, uh, tick tock, you don’t stop stop.’”

And Jin is like, “WTF??”

Back on the island, Sayid goes into the temple to talk to Toga by the poop stream, and asks him why Toga doesn’t just take care of murdering Sayid himself instead of wasting other people’s time. So, Toga tells this boring story about how he was promoted and his coworkers took him out for a drink after work, but this was also in the early afternoon when he had to pick up his son from school and he was drunk driving and his son died, and at the hospital, Jacob showed up and was like, “Your son can live if you come to a mystery island with me, but you’ll never be able to see him again.” And, okay, I realize I haven’t been watching this show so I don’t really know why people left the island and then came back and whatever, but Toga was living in Japan and his son died in Japan, but in the alternate 2004 LA world, Toga and his son are nosy parkers at Jack’s son’s music school, so what?

“I don’t get it.”

“Huh?”

“Repeat that??”

“WTF?????”

Thanks, guys. It’s nice to know I’m not alone. But, anyway, Toga asks if the Smokefather offered Sayid a similar deal, and Sayid’s like, “Yuppers, but I’m gonna stay on the island, but I’m immediately taking that back and drowning you in the poop stream.”

“You, too, Lispy.” That was my favorite part of the episode. But, let’s take a moment to memorialize Lispy.

“Waaaaaaahhhhhh.” Okay, I’m done.

Anyway, before his throat was cut and he was thrown into a giant pool of poop, Lispy told Sayid that he was such an idiot because killing Toga meant that the Smokefather could get into the temple, and Sayid is like, “No, duh, dead body of Lispy.” So the Smokefather comes in as his poorly cgi’ed smoke self and kills tons of people, and in this scene it has never been more obvious that the temple is just a very very small set in a studio.

Kate runs off to find Mountain Claire, who tells her that she’s safer down in the hole than she is up there with Kate, so Kate jumps down onto the ladder and watches the Smokefathermonster tear through the hallway above her with this stupid moony look on her face. Meanwhile, Miles tries to block himself inside the temple, but those people from the other part of the island (that weepy woman, and Sun, and Ben, and the pilot) show up and break the door down and ask where Sawyer and Jack and Hugo are. Miles is like, “And you are?” and the weepy woman is like, “Rawr! Where’s Sayid??” and Miles is like, “Poop stream, that way,” and Ben runs off to get him.

Except, Ben flips out a little, because Sayid is sitting by the poop stream, in which two dead bodies are floating, and he’s STILL making sex eyes all over the place. So, Ben runs off to find the others, who are being lead to a secret door in a wall by the weepy woman. They’re presumably the only other people who didn’t leave the temple by 5:00 who survived the Smokefather’s smoke assault besides Sayid, Mountain Claire, and Kate, who walk out to the temple entrance in slow motion, where a group of people are waiting to go on the field trip with the Smokefather.

The Smokefather looks at Sayid and Mountain Claire and nods in approval of their help, I guess. Then Kate wanders out of the temple.

And the Smokefather is like, “Her? Really? *sigh* Fine. But she’s the worst.” And then everyone follows the Smokefather in slow motion to WHO KNOWS WHERE?????????

One more for the road.

“You’re welcome.”