“I’m so mysterious!”

In LA, Jack is in his apartment and gets a call from his mom all, “Where’s your dead father’s dead body?” Jack still doesn’t know, and then he asks her about his medical history. I’m sure that was really important re: mysteries, but it was boring to me, so I’m not gonna talk about it till it links to another mystery. He goes to his sullen teenage son’s school to pick him up. His son is sullen because his father was late picking him up, and also because his father showed up wearing the same uniform he has to wear at school.

Embarrassing!

Back on the island, Toga and Jack are now bffs. This is also boring. Meanwhile, Hugo and Miles are playing an island game, but Hugo wants to eat some lunch because they have literally eaten nothing in, like, a week, except for that one time I saw Jack eating an apple and that one time Sawyer was drinking his lunch. So, Hugo goes inside to find the temple kitchen/cafeteria, and sees some guy by the poop stream and asks for directions, and then the guy by the poop stream stands up and omg it’s Jacob.

Who tells Hugo that it’s mission time, and he’ll need a pen and paper for this one, and I’m really hoping that this is a Legends of the Hidden Temple deal where Hugo has to crawl through little passageways and swing across piles of foam blocks and wheel himself from one floor to the next in an impossibly slow barrel and give away little gold pendants to men who come out of the walls to hug him.

Was the guy on the 5 Hour Energy ad hired for his head cocking abilities?

I saw this ad five times on Hulu.

Back in LA, the sullen teen goes to his room and Jack follows him in. When he starts a boring conversation about Alice in Wonderland, the kid bolts. Jack follows him into the kitchen and is like, “What are you listening to on your headphones?” and the kid’s like, “You wouldn’t know them even if I told you, old man,” and, since this was in 2004, I’m guessing it’s probably, like, Bowling for Soup or maybe that song that Nelly did with Tim McGraw. Oh, also? I hate when sullen teenagers wear their headphones when they’re with other people. That’s so obnoxious. Like, when parents allow their stupid sullen teenagers to sit in a restaurant with them with their headphones on. There’s no reason for that nonsense. See, Jack’s mistake is that he’s trying to be the hip parent. He should just be the dick parent and rip those headphones out of his kid’s ears and be like, “We’re having a discussion about Alice in Wonderland now. Sit down and learn something from me about whimsical literature.”

Back on the island, Sayid comes up to Jack outside of the temple and is like, “Jack.” Like, “Jack. I need to talk to you.” But Jack is like, “Sayid *nod*,” like, “This is the sterile weird way I greet people.”

Anyway, Sayid wants to know why everyone’s staring at him, and also how come he was supposed to take a pill and he told Jack he’d take it if Jack said he should and then Jack was like BRB and then he left and Sayid was waiting around to see what the deal was gonna be with the pill, but then Jack never came RB and Sayid was like, “Tick tock, what else is there to do in this temple?” Frosty greeting: explained. Jack tells him that the pill was poison and they were gonna kill him, and then the show makes that plane noise again, because it’s the end of a suspenseful scene in which we learned nothing.

Meanwhile, Mountain Claire comes down off her mountain to get Jin out of the bear trap. Jin is like, “Where have you been?” and Claire’s like, “Um, here? Where you left me? How long ago was that?” and he’s like, “Three years, dude,” and she’s like, “Weird.” Then Jin passes out.

Back in the temple, Hugo is wandering around and taking notes on the goofy imprints in the walls when Toga finds him and tells him he’s not allowed to hang out in there and to go back to the courtyard. Ghost Jacob shows up and tells Hugo to say that he’s a candidate and he’s allowed to do whatever he wants, so Hugo does and improvs that Toga should go back to the courtyard, so Toga says something to him in Japanese and walks off. Ghost Jacob pretends that he knows Japanese and is like, “WOAH, you don’t want to know what THAT guy just said about you, guh huh huh.” But, also, Ghost Jacob asks why Hugo didn’t do as instructed and bring Jack with him, to which Hugo expresses his frustration with a) getting Jack to do anything that doesn’t involve pratfalls, and b) having to write down so much. He asks Jacob if he knows a way to get Jack to come with him.

Back out in the courtyard, Hugo finds Jack and is like, “We’ve gotta go somewhere, so follow me in ten seconds,” and Jack is like, “I’m eating [another] apple, and I don’t feel like standing up, I’m tired,” and Hugo is like, “You have what it takes,” and Jack FREAKS OUT and is like, “What is THAT supposed to mean?” and Hugo’s like, “Jacob is really into inspirational 80s music from sports movies, and YOU HAVE WHAT IT TAKES,” and Jack’s like, “I have to talk to Jacob because that line is really motivating me to swallow this piece of apple I’m storing in my mouth for some reason, but I want to make sure that it’s for real before I go ahead and actually swallow it,” and Hugo’s like, “Jacob’s dead, but if you come with me, you can see him,” and Jack is like, “You’re the best around and you’ve got the touch, let’s DO THIS!”

Jin and his gross leg wake up in Claire’s creepy mountain home where he discovers explosives and a cradle with a skull and some fur in it? Then Claire shows up with that guy Justin – the one that Big Teeth was yelling at – who was just pretending to be dead earlier. She ties him up and says that he’s going to tell her where her baby is, but first she’s going to sterilize the medical instruments that came with her creepy mountain home to save Jin’s leg. Justin asks Jin to untie him before Claire comes back because she’s dangerous and Jin says she’s not because he knows her and Justin says that he knows her more and that she’ll kill them both.

Meanwhile, Hugo and Jack are on their adventure, when they happen upon Kate who’s filling up even more canteens with water. She hears rustling and points her gun at them, and then puts it down when she realizes it’s just Jack and his tattoo of a playing card (?) on his arm (?) and she’s like, “Haha! I almost shot you, foolz!” and Jack’s like, “Totes! I was there!” and then there’s a noise that sounds just like Jack peed a little. She tells him that Sawyer’s living the rest of his island life in soiled underwear and Jin should be back at the temple, and Jack and Hugo aren’t at all, like, “We live at the temple and Jin is totally not there.” Hugo instead tells Kate about a shortcut back to the temple, but she tells them she’s not going back because she has to find Claire. Jack tells her that he heard from the temple hippies that something happened to Claire, and he doesn’t know what, but he’s pretty sure that means she’s dead/not at the beach camp. Then he invites Kate to be on his team for the run through the Hidden Temple, and Hugo’s like, “Jacob said there could be only TWO people on the Orange Iguanas, not three, she’s not invited!” and Jack’s like, “Well, I’m inviting her, because she’s my friend,” and Hugo’s like, “But, Jaaaaaaaaack,” and Kate’s like, “I’m actually on my way to audition for Global Guts anyway, so, see yas.”

Back in LA, Jack’s at his mom’s house, hunting for his father’s will. She asks how his son is doing, because he was really upset at the body-less funeral, and Jack’s like, “Who? Oh, my son. He was upset? Weird. He didn’t mention anything,” and his mom’s like, “You’re an asshole, he’s your son. Did you look over at him at any point?” and Jack is like, “Didn’t occur to me?” and his mother’s like, “You were just like him when you were that age, because you never talked to your father either,” and Jack is like, “I was SUPER SCARED of Dad, so thx for bringing up a sore spot,” and his mother’s like, “Maybe your son is scared of you,” and Jack’s like, “Who?” Then his mother finally finds the will, which is placed very obviously on a shelf in one of those big envelopes that legal documents are mailed in, so I can see where Jack got his anti-smarts from. When she starts looking through it, she asks Jack if he knows anyone by the name of Claire. BY THE NAME OF MOUNTAIN CLAIRE??

Back on the island, Justin’s still trying to get Jin to untie him, but Claire comes back too quickly and then stitches up Jin’s leg. She tells him that she’s been shot at by them (meaning people Justin works for/with?) and has had to stitch herself up, so she knows what she’s doing. She tells Justin again that he has to tell her where her baby is, and Justin says they never took her baby. Jin asks her why she thinks they did, and she’s like, “My father told me, and my friend,” and Jin’s like, “Friend??” and she’s like, “FRIEND.” Mysterious. Mountain people don’t have friends.

Meanwhile, Hugo apologizes for cockblocking Jack and then says that he figured Jack would have had lots of babies with Kate, but Jack says he would be a terrible father. They find an asthma inhaler that belonged to Shannon (?) in front of a cave they used to live in (?) with some skeletons in it (?) and Hugos’ like, “Maybe we time traveled to dinosaur times (?) and got buried here (?) and these are our skeletons,” and even as mysterious island logic, that makes no sense. Then Jack is like, “Listen to me now. I came here because I was chasing my dead father’s ghost through the jungle and found his coffin in here and then I smashed it to pieces because he wasn’t in it.” Remember that? I don’t. That’s the point, I guess.

Back in LA, Jack comes home to an empty house, waits a few hours, and then calls his son David, who doesn’t answer. Then he goes to David’s mom’s house to see if he’s there. He’s not, but Jack finds a photo of himself in David’s room, and also hears a message from a music conservatory about a performance that night (?) and another message left by him when he was in Australia.

Back on the island, Hugo thinks that taking a walk is old school. They ask each other why they came back to the island. Hugo says it’s because Jacob popped up and told him to, and Jack says that he was broken and thought the island would fix him. He also starts crying, which makes them both uncomfortable, so Jack asks how much further they have to go, and Hugo’s like, “Not far it’s right here.” They come through a clearing to a lighthouse, which they’ve never seen before.

Meanwhile, Mountain Claire keeps asking Justin where her son is, and Jin asks again how she knows they have him. She says that the temple hippies tortured her and branded her and if she hadn’t escaped, they would have killed her, so they must have kept her baby when she ran off. So, she’s Jack’s sister, I guess. She’s about to kill Justin, but then Jin yells that Kate took the baby, and that he’s alive and he’s three years old now. But, Claire kills Justin anyway, because she’s a ZOMBIE!!! (?)

Jin, as usual, is like, WTF?

Back in LA, Jack shows up to the music conservatory and sees David playing the piano. He seems confused and also weepy, and then some creepy boy asks if David is Jack’s son. The boy is creepy because Toga is his father. Toga walks up to Jack and is like, “Hey, how long has your kid been playing?” and Jack is like, “I have no idea,” and Toga’s like, “Asshole.”

Back on the island, Hugo and Jack are at the top of the lighthouse and Hugo says they’re supposed to turn this big dial with mirrors on it to 108-degrees, and I bet SO MANY PEOPLE paused the scene where they showed all the writing on Hugo’s arm. Anyway, Jack totally misses 108-degrees because he’s slow, but also because he notices strange buildings being reflected in the mirror as the dial’s being turned. He looks down and discovers names on the dial, most of which are scratched out, and turns the dial to 23-degrees, where his name is. Reflected in the mirror is his childhood home, which makes him freak out. I mean, understandable. So, he gets mad and tells Hugo to get Jacob to show up, but Hugo says he can’t control when he sees Jacob. So, Jack starts screaming at Hugo to tell him what Jacob wants and why he’s been watching them their whole lives, and when Hugo can’t answer, he smashes all the mirrors.

Back in LA, David puts on some berry lipstick, and Jack tells him he was great. Hey, this is boring. So, David used to play the piano and Jack was way into it, so when David wanted to keep playing, he decided not to tell Jack because he was worried that Jack would put too much pressure on him and hate him if he failed. And Jack says he’d never do that because his father used to do that to him and tell him that he DIDN’T have what it takes, and he loves David and he just wants David to stop wearing berry lipstick because it’s wrong for his coloring, and also to not hate him so much, and now David is totally cool with Jack and they go home to have old pizza the end.

Back on the island, Jacob shows up and Hugo’s like, “I’m sorry Jack smashed your lighthouse and that now that person coming to the island can’t get here,” and Jacob’s like, “Whatevs,” and Hugo’s like, “Seriously? Couldn’t you have just shown up when Jack was flipping his shit and told me to tell him what was going on?” and Jacob’s like, “Not really, doesn’t matter,” and Hugo’s like, “You’re a tool,” and Jacob is like, “Some people – LIKE YOU – are really easy to convince to do things, and some people, like Jack, need to figure it out themselves.” Someone was actually coming to the temple (I guess the Smokefather) and he needed to get Hugo and Jack out of there. Hugo wants to go back to warn them, but Jacob says it’s too late.

Meanwhile, Mountain Claire tells Jin that she had to kill Justin, because he would have killed her if she had let him go. She also says that she knows Jin is lying about Kate and her baby, so he says that the baby is at the temple with the others, and he can get her there without anyone seeing. Mountain Claire says she’s ready to go, and also that she’s happy to hear that Kate isn’t raising her baby for her, because she would have had to kill her if that was the truth.

Jin is like, WTF?

And then the Smokefather shows up all, “Hey, guys, I hope I’m not too early for dinner.”

And Jin is like, WTF??? and Mountain Claire’s like, “Hey, friend! This is that friend I was talking about.”

And Jin is like WTF?????????

I don’t know whether the guy who plays Jin was cast specifically for his WTF faces, but I’m glad he was. I also like the way he says the word “baby.” The mystery surrounding how I’m still watching this show despite the fact that Penis Boat is NOT on it: solved.