Um, ew.

So, Sayid is alive and that hippie is worried about it, but also not sure if he’s worried about it, because the head hippie hasn’t told him if it’s something he should be worried about yet.

Also, Sayid is freaking out, and Hugo (whose name might be Hurley/also Hurley?) is like, “You’re my bff hugz!” and Jack is like, “I’m a doctor.” Sayid asks them what happened to him, and Jack gets the most excited look ever on his face and is like, “You died. RIGHT???” Meanwhile, Kate is talking to Sawyer who says that it’s not a miracle because people like Sayid, who was apparently an Iraqi torturer and child killer by trade, always end up okay while people like Juliette, who smear their faces in ketchup and explode bombs, die prematurely. He also says that he is planning on running, so heads up.

Back in LA, Kate is still in the cab she’s taken over at gunpoint.

She looks out the window and sees Jack and they give each other a funny look, like they’ve seen each other somewhere before. Jack is probably not really on the phone. He probably just wants to look important. The blonde girl in the car with Kate keeps asking to be let go, and Kate screams at her and points her gun and tells her to stay put. Eventually, the cabbie stops the car at a red light and bolts, and Kate makes the crying girl, who’s also pregnant, hand over her bag and get out of the car.

Back at the temple, Sayid wants to know who all these hippies are, and Hugo tells him that they are “the others”, which is a phrase I remember from the ads. It doesn’t mean I know what it means, but using the logic part of my brain, it’s probably a really lame nickname for the “other” people on the island, and I’m guessing Jack came up with it. “Hey! Others! Get it? Do you get it?” Hugo also says that he thinks the others are trying to protect them. Jack checks Sayid over and says that the gunshot wound is almost completely healed, and Sayid thanks Jack for saving his life. Which is funny, since I’m pretty sure Jack might have gotten Sayid shot in the first place (?) and also because Jack took full responsibility for the hippies drowning Sayid in the poop stream (so he’s responsible for his death twice) and also because he might also be responsible for Juliette’s death. This guy just can’t catch a break.

Anyway, the hippies want to take Sayid inside, and Jack says not without him, so the head hippie tells the hippies to kill Jack (?) and Jack gets himself in yet another scrape. But then there are gunshots and everyone freaks out.

Okay, wait, I don’t think I mentioned this last week, but the head hippie only speaks in Japanese (?) and then the lispy hippie translates for him, but the head hippie CAN speak English and chooses not to, but like, this seems like the perfect time to just SPEAK ENGLISH, because saying, “LOWER YOUR WEAPONS” in Japanese and then having your lame lispy hippie friend then say, “LOWER YOUR WEAPONS” in English is just enough time for several people to get killed.

So, the shooter is Sawyer, and he tells them that he’s getting out of there. They say if he stays they won’t hurt his friend, to which Sawyer says, “He ain’t my friend GROWL,” and then the head hippie looks really sad and is like, “Baby, you can’t go,” but he does! And he also tells Kate not to come with him.

Meanwhile, the hippies cart Sayid back inside, and Jack’s like, “Wait, I didn’t have a chance to say, ‘Where are you taking him?’” and then the lispy hippie comes over all head snappy like, “You’ve gotta bring Ford [who is Sawyer?] back, like, this isn’t just a command from the head hippie, it’s also what I want, that’s the truth.”

Kate volunteers to find him, and then the lispy hippie is like, “Uhhh, how are you gonna do that???” Didn’t he JUST ask someone to bring him back? And now he’s questioning whether they can bring him back? I don’t like that lispy hippie. Anyway, Kate is good at tracking people. Who knew.

Back in LA, Kate gets to a garage and gets a guy to help her get her handcuffs off. Then she asks for somewhere to change and he smiles and shakes his head and tells her the bathroom is in the back, like, he can’t believe how many times he’s gotten handcuffs off of fugitives and they’ve immediately asked to use his bathroom hoo boy.

Kate opens the blonde girl’s bag in the bathroom and discovers a picture of the blonde girl pointing at her big pregnant stomach, and Kate looks confused and then sad. Because a) pregnant people usually carry pictures of themselves pregnant to remind them that they are pregnant, and b) Kate didn’t notice the fact that she was VERY OBVIOUSLY WAY PREGNANT when she jumped into the car with her. She’s good at tracking people. But not good at looking at people.

Back on the island, Jin says he will go with Kate, and Jack volunteers, too. But Kate is like, “You’re an idiot. Sawyer said he’d kill you and he also has a gun and he left the temple to get away from you, and now you’re gonna go find him? Haven’t you been in enough scrapes today, Jack TRIPPER?”

And then Jack tells Kate how sweaty he is and they say goodbye.

Sayid is having magical dust blown on him, and is being electrocuted, and also branded, and I really hate that head hippie guy. Not because of any kind of moral thing, like, Don’t Torture People Hippie! or because I care about Sayid because I only care about Sayid when he’s Balraj from Bride & Prejudice, but because he just stares a lot, and I don’t like it. Sayid is obviously very upset about being tortured and keeps asking why he’s doing this, but the head hippie GUESS WHAT STARES and walks away.

Then the lispy hippie comes over and whispers in a baby voice, “Sorry you had to go through that, but it was a test, and congratulations, baby, you passed! You passed! It’s gonna be okay!” Then they cart Sayid back out to the front of the temple, and the lispy hippie looks RIGHT INTO THE CAMERA and then says in a deep not-lying-anymore voice to the head hippie that that was a lie, like, right? And the head hippie says yes, and I can’t believe how stupid this lispy hippie is.

Back in LA, Kate finds the pregnant girl around where she kicked her out of the cab with a gun and is looking real smug as she gets out of the car to give the pregnant girl back the belongings she stole at gunpoint from her. Then she’s like, “Tell me where you were going and I’ll bring you there in this cab and I won’t even turn on the meter,” and the pregnant girl’s like, “Are you effing crazy? You know you were just pointing a gun at me before, right? And you also robbed me. You know that, right?” And Kate’s like, “SSSSSSIIIIIGGGGHHHH, fine, don’t take the ride, but I’m being totally nice now and not at all suspicious and you shouldn’t be weirded out by the gun-toting robber that’s come back for you is trying to lure you into the stolen car she’s driving AT ALL,” and then the pregnant girl’s like, “I have to get to the house where the couple who are adopting my baby live, and you stole the $200 I had when you found someone to take your handcuffs off of you, and now I have no way to get there, but YOU’RE CRAZY AND POINTED A GUN AT ME,” and Kate’s like, “Uhhh, I’m wearing your clothes, btw, do you want the ride or not, I’m so nice!?!?!” and the pregnant girl’s like, “Shit, I guess.”

I just solved the mystery of the island! The mystery was, Is Kate the Worst, and the solution is, YES.

Back on the island, a hippie with Big Teeth (who I’ve seen before, right? Is he someone? Like, outside of the world of Lost?) and some other hippie are accompanying Jin and Kate. She wants to know why they have to be there, and Big Teeth is like, There’s a tika tika pillar of smoke, and I’m protecting you. Then Jin asks about another plane and Big Teeth is like, “IS THIS A PRESS CONFERENCE?????” and the other hippie is like, “Doesn’t he mean the pla…” and Big Teeth is like, “SHUT UP JUSTIN!!!!!!” Then they find a trap and Big Teeth is like, “I know who put that trap there, it was Russo,” and Justin’s like, “That French lady? But she’s dead,” and Big Teeth is like, “SHUT UP JUSTIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Kate finally asks him what his problem is, and Big Teeth says, “You don’t remember me, do you?” and I was so sure that this was gonna be a Valentine’s Day missed connections story, but it’s just another story about how annoying Kate is and how she knocked him out by hitting him in the head with a rifle once, and then Kate knocks him out and trips the trap which makes a big mesh bag of rocks knock into Justin, and then she steals their guns.

Jin is like, “Uh, WTF? Why are you the worst?”

Back at the temple, Sayid comes out from his torture session to get a much-needed hug from Hugo. Jack wants to know why they were torturing him, and Sayid says he has no idea.

So, Jack goes up to the guards and tells them to step aside and punctuates it with the craziest look he can give, and it works! It’s just like that advice my dad gave me about acting crazy to make people that are bothering you go away! Inside, the lispy hippie greets Jack like he’s really psyched to see him, and the head hippie tells him that Sayid was being diagnosed, not tortured, and the cure for Sayid’s sickness is one of those giant herbal remedy pills, like ginger or whatever.

Jack says that, as a doctor, he has ascertained that there is no fever, therefore no need for medication and also, that, as a doctor, he won’t let Sayid take anything he hasn’t approved of, and the lispy hippie looks so legitimately shocked that I LOL’ed. Then the head hippie tells Jack that giving Sayid the pill will be his redemption after essentially getting Sayid shot and also being responsible for countless other injuries and deaths since he’s been on the island. That hits home, so Jack, interrupting Miles and Hugo’s questions to Sayid about being in heaven and/or being a zombie, tells Sayid about the herbal supplement. Sayid says that he trusts Jack and will take it if Jack thinks it’s a good idea. So, I guess Jack’s not supposed to be stupid. He just is.

Meanwhile, Kate tells Jin that she was planning on finding Sawyer and running off with him all along, and Jin says that he still wants to find out about the other plane (?) that Kate was on, because his wife was on that plane (?) and I guess Kate running off will prevent him from finding this out? And then Kate tells him that no one is going to tell Jin anything about the other plane, so he should just give up on his effing wife, you know?

Back in LA, Kate brings the girl to the adoptive couple’s house and goes up to the door with her, where the woman who answers explains that she will not be adopting the baby due to her husband having just left her. And she didn’t call because she was sad and didn’t feel like talking on the phone. And Kate gets mad because Claire (the blonde girl) came all the way from Australia, because that’s something that people do, to have this woman adopt her baby, and then Claire goes into labor.

Back on the island, Kate finds a bunch of abandoned houses and hears a banging sound inside one.

It’s Sawyer, who dug up the floorboards to find a shoe box, which he cries about. Then he hears Kate and asks what she’s doing there and she’s like, “Um, you weren’t supposed to see me because I was gonna sneak away because I just realized that you came her because you’re still sad about that girl you liked being killed by ketchup yesterday, and now I feel kind of stupid for following you and hoping to make some kind of new exciting abandoned-house part of the island life with you, so can you just pretend you didn’t see me? No? Okay, well, I was worried about you.”

Back in LA, Kate takes Claire to the hospital, where the doctor tells her that she’s in labor and she can either keep being in labor or they can stop her being in labor, and I don’t know how labor works or anything, but what? Claire opts to wait a while, but then the baby’s heart monitor flatlines and she starts screaming to save “Aaron”. It turns out that the baby was fine, but Kate looks FREAKED OUT and I guess it has something to do with the name Aaron?

Back on the island, Kate and Sawyer sit out on a dock, and Sawyer cries, and I just started wondering if these people cut their hair themselves because Sawyer’s hair is always the same length. Anyway, I don’t really understand what they’re talking about, but Sawyer asks Kate why she came back to the island, and she says it was to find Claire and reunite her with Aaron. And then Sawyer says that he and Juliette lived in that abandoned house, and Kate says that if she hadn’t come back in that sub, then Juliette would still be alive. But Sawyer says it’s his fault, because he had the chance to tell Juliette to leave the island but he begged her to stay instead.

So, I guess at one point, they had, like, vacation condos built on the island, and the tika tika black smoke monster was like, “You guys can leave, or buy into our affordable timeshare program,” and Kate was like, “Byeeeees,” and Sawyer and Juliette were like, “Do you have a pamphlet? Because I like the sound of this waterfront property,” and the smoke monster was like, “Here are your papers to sign.” But then Kate, who was back in LA, was like, “Oh, wait, Claire’s baby was stolen from her by that tika tika smoke monster, and I forgot to go help her out, so I should go back to the island, but the only way to get there is by submarine.” So she pulled the submarine up by the dock outside of Sawyer and Juliette’s house, and Sawyer was like, watering his garden and Juliette came out with an apron on stirring  a bowl of brownie batter, and some of it was on her face and also some flour because that’s what happens when you bake, and Sawyer was like, “Juliette, I can’t take you anywhere,” but then they heard that bleep bleep sound that submarines make, and Kate was like, “Heeeey, guys. Sorry to interrupt, but I have to go find Claire and also her baby, so don’t mind me,” and then Juliette was like, “Can I borrow your submarine?” And Kate was like, “Totes!” And Juliette was like, “Thx!” And then Sawyer was like, “But, what about the brownies and MEEEE?” And then Juliette stayed. Is that what happened?

Sawyer had an engagement ring, which he chucks into the water because he’s got no one left to ask to marry him, and he tells Kate that she’ll be able to get back to the temple by nightfall, and Kate cries and cries, because she’s so embarrassed that she came after Sawyer because she didn’t realize how uncomfortable it would be to hang around with a guy who’s this sad.

Back at the temple, Jack asks the head hippie what the round object with red stitching on it he’s playing with, and the head hippie’s like, “A baseball?” and Jack is like, “Whoops, I’m the dumbest.” Then the head hippie says his name is Toga (?) and that he was brought to the island just like everyone else, and, oh yeah, did Sayid take that pill yet? So, Jack says that he won’t let Sayid take it till he knows what’s in it, and Toga says to trust him, and Jack says that he doesn’t, but he will take the pill to figure out what it is. Then Toga beats the crap out of him (second time this episode!) till Jack spits it out.

Oh, yeah, it was poison.

Back in LA, the police come to Claire’s room to ask about Kate, and Claire covers for her. She asks Kate what she did, and Kate says she’s innocent. Claire believes her and gives Kate her credit card. Kate tells her she likes the name Aaron, and Claire says she doesn’t know why she said it, but it seemed right.

Back on the island, Kate gets some water from a hose for her canteen right in the place where Sawyer will have to walk past her, and she spends a real long time doing it so that he’ll have to eventually walk past her and see her. But then he does walk past her and pretends not to see her, and then she looks sad, and looks at the canteen, like, I totally didn’t need all this water, and then walks away.

Toga makes Jack some tea and Jack’s like, “What is this?” and Toga’s like, “Tea,” and Jack’s like, “That’s the funniest thing I’ve heard all day. First baseballs. Now tea. What’s next?” So, he asks Toga why they were trying to kill Sayid a third time, and Toga tells him that he’s been “claimed”, and eventually the claim will reach his heart, and then Sayid won’t even exist anymore. So, Sayid’s a zombie, I guess. But, Jack wants to know how they know this, and Toga tells him that they know because it also happened to Jack’s sister.

And Jack’s like, “Woah, what’s a sister?”

Back in the jungle, Jin is alone, and Big Teeth and Justin have woken up and are going to kill him. Jin runs away, but gets caught in a bear trap, and just as Big Teeth is about to pull the trigger, someone shoots him and Justin. So, Jin looks around to find out who it is, and he looks up on a rock and sees Claire.

But now she’s Mountain Claire. Mystery: solved.