I hope they get off the island this time!

Sawyer is still mad at Jack, and even madder since he now has to bury Juliette while everyone is busy bringing Sayid to the temple, and you know how Sawyer likes to be part of the action, amiright? Am I? I don’t know. He does tell Kate that he doesn’t want them to leave a trail of pebbles, since he ain’t following nobody, so I’m probably wrong.

On the way to the temple, Hugo grabs his guitar case which does not contain a guitar, and this is very important. They get to a wall with a hole in the ground and they’re like, “How do we get over this wall?” and Hugo’s like, “Let’s all climb into this hole.”

So, they do, and they discover a skeleton about which Jin (he’s the sweater-buttoning-tyrant) says, “That skeleton’s arm is missing because the black mist got him,” and I want to know how he knew that, but I also want to know when this show became Shadowgate, because now Kate has a giant torch. Also, she disappears. Whoops?

Jack, who’s STILL wearing his jumpsuit and is now the only one, goes looking for her, but then Hugo and Jin go missing and I guess Sayid’s unconscious body as well, and then there’s RUSTLING and something runs across the screen behind Jack

and I did not like that part because it was Creepy, and a bunch of guys come out of nowhere and grab Jack and drag him away.

Back in LA, where the plane has landed, it turns out Kate’s a murderer and the creeper is an agent of some sort. He takes her into the bathroom, where she knocks him out and steals his gun and tells some ladies that he’s a rapist and then runs away with his jacket over her arms to conceal her handcuffs. She ends up in an elevator with clean-dirty Sawyer, who’s like, “Welcome abooooard,” because Sawyer’s kind of an idiot. Security guards show up and start talking into their walkie talkies and Sawyer is like, “What are those codes you’re saying? Tell me what they mean. I’m curious,” because I was right, and Sawyer wants his hand in every pie, but then he notices Kate’s handcuffs and manages to get her off the elevator before the security guards do, too.

And then he takes a moment to appreciate how righteous that move was. And then he says, like, “Sawyer. FTW.” Because he’s the worst.

Back on the island, he’s done burying Juliette, and the guy he’s with (Miles?) is like, “Let’s have some warm beers from this VW Bus that was here when we landed on the island a million years ago,” and Sawyer’s like, “My gf’s dead, and she had a Very Important News for me before she croaked and you’re a psychic (?) so you tell me what it was.”

So, Miles listens through the dirt for a while and tells Sawyer that Juliette wanted to tell him “a word” and Sawyer’s like, “a word?” and Miles is like, “yeah, a word,” and Sawyer’s like, “what word?” and then he runs off into the woods. That scene would have been riveting if I had seen the episode in season 4 where they found an ancient tablet buried under the swan hatch that had a list of important words on it and then I could conjecture as to which word it was Juliette wanted to tell Sawyer. I’m just kidding.

It was season 5.

(Apparently they were saying, “It worked”/”What worked?” Duh.)

So, remember on Buffy how Giles was the researcher for all the demon and vampire attacks, and Buffy and everyone would tell him to stay behind, but he would end up being dragged into every fight, like, literally dragged into every fight by some demon or vampire or whatever and then knocked out and he’d wake up after the fight was over?

Is that who Jack is supposed to be? Is Jack the Giles of Lost? Jack is reunited with the people he lost (GET IT????) and they’re taken to the temple. The real temple. I guess the other temple was just a different temple which was not as important.

Back in LA, Jack has just found out that the coffin he was traveling with was lost in transit.

Back on the island, a million hippies come out of the temple, and this one lady tells the other hippies that Hugo and Jack and Kate and Jin and Sayid were on the “first plane” with her, which means there were other planes? Maybe? Mystery solved? Anyway, the guy with the longest vest, which makes him the leader, tells the hippies to shoot everyone, and Hugo panics and tells them Jacob sent him and his guitar case.

So, they open it up and discover this Artist Formerly Known as Prince symbol, and the hippie leader breaks it in half and takes out a piece of paper. He asks them their names, and they all nervously comply, until they get to Jack.

Who’s like, “Hey, guys! I’m Jack Shepard. Nice to meet you. Real nice temple you got here.” The hippies then take Sayid into the temple, but I guess Jacob saw Hugo before he ever got on the plane (?) and he gave him that guitar case (?) and then came back as a ghost to make Hugo save Sayid because he has something to do with the guitar case (??), so Hugo demands to know what the paper said, and the hippie with the worst lisp but the most hippiesh glasses tells him that if Sayid dies, they’ll all be in trouble.

Back in LA, Jin is taken away by airport security for having lots of money, and Jin’s wife stares like this for 20 seconds.

I just figured out why I’m so confused about this episode. There’s no Penis Boat. I need to see Penis Boat to ground me. Is he dead? Is he not on Season 6? I’m not gonna watch if there is no Penis Boat.

Back at the temple, the hippies all look at what I guess is some kind of magical stream which now looks like it has poop in it, and they’re all upset about it. But then the hippie leader cuts his hand and puts it in the poop stream and sort of shrugs, so I don’t know if that’s good or bad.

But I can see why they’re ending this show at season 6, because the ketchup budget is getting way out of control. They probably couldn’t keep it up much longer. Anyway, the hippies ask who almost killed Sayid, and Jack’s like, “I did, but I didn’t, know what I’m saying?” And then they tell him that there could be really bad consequences to them putting Sayid in the poop stream and Jack’s like, “Whatever it takes, I don’t really care that much.”

So they put Sayid in the poop stream, and flip over an enormous hour glass and then hold him underwater until he drowns. Hugo and everyone start yelling to let him up already, but they don’t; and then the hippies lay Sayid out on the floor and are like, “Whoops. He’s dead. So.” Jack gets upset and tries to fight them, but he gets knocked out immediately, and I really wish he would change out of that stupid jumpsuit, because he’s the only one wearing it anymore and he looks ridiculous.

Also, he attempts really sad cpr on Sayid, but Kate makes him stop because he’s doing too little too late, which seems to be Jack’s big problem, if you don’t count his jumpsuit.

Back in LA, Sayid is picking up his luggage while Kate runs around the airport avoiding security till she gets outside and tries to get in a cab. But that guy who’s on a lot of commercials who looks kind of like Steve Buscemi yells at her to get in line, which she does, until she notices Officer Creeper and runs into the next available cab, which is already occupied by some blonde who might be Australian (!!) and makes the cabbie drive at gunpoint.

Back at the temple, the poop stream is bubbling and everyone’s sad. The hippies show up with two more hostages: Miles and Sawyer, who’s unconscious. The Lispy Hippie tells Hugo to go see the head hippie, who tells Hugo that Sayid was beyond saving. Hugo tells the hippies that Jacob’s dead, which causes them to FLIP OUT and do crazy scared island things like ring bells and shoot off rockets and put ashes on the ground

and pick flowers, all in an effort to keep the hippies and hostages in and someone else out.

It’s the Stepfather that they want to keep out. Ben is like, “Why did you make me kill my friend Jacob?” And the Stepfather’s like, “Whatever, but you know what was worse? When you killed the Stepfather. You know, the other the Stepfather.”

I don’t know what’s going on. But this Stepfather is not the other Stepfather – the dead one – and apparently the other Stepfather was a weakling who landed on the island and didn’t want to leave because he had nothing to go back to. But this Stepfather wants. to. go. home.

Back at the other temple, Hugo says to Sayid’s dead body that if he ever wants to talk, Hugo will be there. So, I guess talking to dead people is something Hugo is used to? Miles, meanwhile, looks TOTALLY confused by this statement. Kate is wiping ketchup off Sawyer’s face as he regains consciousness, and he tells her that he still hates Jack but he won’t kill him, because Jack doesn’t deserve to avoid suffering on the island with everyone else. Which I thought was pretty funny. I’m not taking sides, though, because I kind of hate them both.

Back in LA, Jack is trying to explain to his mother over the phone that the funeral can’t go on without a body. At the lost and found, the Stepfather (in his wheelchair) is filling out a form for his missing luggage, which contained nothing but knives.

When the Stepfather attempts to bond over missing luggage and Jack tells him that missing bodies are different from missing knives, the Stepfather gives some kindly philosophy about missing bodies not being the same as missing memories or whatever. Jack appreciates his corniness and then gives him his business card (he’s a spinal surgeon) in case the Stepfather is ever interested in, like, not being in a wheelchair.

Back on the island, that guy Richard is FREAKING OUT because the Stepfather is alive, but the Stepfather’s also dead a few feet away. And I guess Richard was in chains at one point? What? And the Stepfather’s happy to see him out of his chains? But then he knocks Richard unconscious and carries him away, and all of Richard’s friends (?) have guns pointed at the Stepfather, but they never shoot him and the Stepfather tells them all he’s disappointed in them OMG BECAUSE HE’S THE STEPFATHER GET IT???

Anyway, they all watch him walk away with Richard past his own (?) dead body like, “What’s a gun?”

What is with this show and giant statues of feet?

Back at the temple, the Lispy Hippie tells Jack to come with him, and Jack, who has FINALLY taken off his jumpsuit, says no and makes a feeble attempt at fighting, until Hugo starts screaming at him.

Because Sayid is alive. Alive! Is that important? Mystery: solved.