I watch All My Children every day, which airs on ABC, and just about every day, I see an ad for Lost. I guess it’s, like, a big show or something? I’m not going to pretend that I don’t know anything about Lost, because I see the ads every day, so I know they’re on an island and I know a lot of the characters’ names and I know that they got off the island but maybe not really and that Jack grew a beard once and that, at some point (my friend Molly says “season 3″) somebody wrote the words “PENIS BOAT” on their hand

and that “PENIS BOAT” is my new favorite thing to say. Also, that my friend Laura Lee watches the show and wanted me to recap the final season, and after I told her that I’ve never actually seen an episode of it, she wanted me to do it even more, and when I told her that I refused to spend three hours watching a show I’ve never seen before especially since Chopped was on (which turned out to be a REPEAT, stupid Food Network), she said “pleeeeease”, and then I said I’d watch it online.

Lost is supposed to be a comedy, right?

So, I know from the ads that they were trying to travel back in time, and the episode starts on a plane, probably the plane that crashed onto the island, so I guess they did travel back in time?

First off, this nosy parker needs to mind her own business. Because, like, if there’s turbulence and someone feels like being a little nervous, you telling stories about your husband going to the bathroom is not a big help. Also, when she notices Jack sort of gingerly holding onto the armrest after the turbulence is over, she’s all, “You can let go now. It’s okay! You can let go!”

When her bathroom husband comes back, everyone on the plane stares at them like they’ve never seen a married couple before, so I guess in the alternate reality of being on the island, that bathroom guy died in the bathroom. Like, if you watch the show, your heart would probably be really warmed by the fact that these two are together, but I’m just still annoyed that she wouldn’t mind her own business.

Also, the only Australian guy on the whole plane sits next to Jack and Jack is sure they’ve met, but the Australian guy is like, “No, Australian people never leave Australia, which is why I’m the only Australian person on this plane leaving from Australia. So, we’ve never met.” (Due to my little prior knowledge of this show, I didn’t know who this guy was, and I still kind of don’t get who this guy is, but according to Laura Lee, he’s “hot”, says “brotha”, and is “Scottish”, not Australian. I heard an accent, and didn’t pay much attention after that. So, so far, there are no Australians on the Australian plane.) Then the camera pans down into the ocean.

Um… Are the cgi effects on this show supposed to be bad? Because that was the worst cgi trip into the ocean I’ve ever been on.

And then the camera stops on the ancient big bird foot stone carving which MEANS SOMETHING, but I don’t know what it is.

She woke up in a tree. This show is really funny! Is it supposed to be funny?

Okay, so she’s not happy, because they’re in the swan hatch still (I don’t know what a swan hatch is), and everyone’s dirty and I guess that means they’re still on the island. So being on the plane was a dream.

Oh, and this guy is mad at Jack for his attempts at “JUMPIN’ THROUGH TIME!” He’s also mad because someone named Juliette is dead under all the rubble and I guess Jack is to blame? But Jack just kind of shrugs, not like he doesn’t care that this woman is dead, or that he thinks it’s not his fault, but like, “I thought JUMPIN’ THROUGH TIME would work, my bad.”

Or, I don’t know. Maybe it wasn’t a dream. Maybe it’s, like, an alternate reality. I liked Sliders as much as the next person (which was A LOT), but at least they jumped through holes when they wanted to get to the next dimension, so this is just confusing. Anyway, that girl in the tree (whose name is Kate, I think?) is having her bathroom and utensil use monitored by this creeper.

And even in the everyone-on-this-plane-is-clean reality, Sawyer is still kind of dirty.

That guy Hugo is the luckiest guy alive and the guy standing by him is like, “Not in an alternate reality, dude, because you’re going to be LOST on an island, amiright?” And Sawyer slaps him five. And this show is a comedy.

Balraj from Bride & Prejudice is dying and Hugo is like, “I’m just a fat guy who owns a chicken company that I bought with my lottery winnings, I don’t know how to save dying ppl.” And Balraj is like, “I’m the worst person in the world and I’ve tortured lots of people and I’m a murderer, so when I die, I hope they rape people like me in heaven” (I couldn’t understand that part because I was talking to my mom and I didn’t feel like rewinding). And some other guy comes to inform him that people in the swan hatch are yelling at each other about time travel and also that Juliette is dead and he’s now leaving again to go help them, laters. Then Hugo hears rustling, and I bet that there is SO MUCH RUSTLING on this show.

Who’s THAT guy??

Back on the plane, the guy who came to tell Hugo about the dead girl is sitting with his wife and telling her to button her sweater. I don’t know. It must mean something.

Also, The Stepfather is talking to his seatmate about his walkabout in Australia, and his seatmate says “down under”, and I bet you hear the phrase “down under” 50 times a day in Australia. That would annoy me.

Back on the island, The Stepfather is in some Indiana Jones cave, wiping off a bloody knife, and telling this guy Ben

to stop staring at the big fire pit in the middle of the room because Jacob is already dead. He also tells him to go outside and get Richard. Outside, the sweater lady is talking to the pilot, and they seem nervous about Richard and the other people arguing near them, and I guess they’re on a different part of the island or a different island entirely? Anyway, Ben finds Richard and Richard’s like, “Is Jacob all right?” and Ben’s like, “Yeah, he’s fine, he totally wasn’t just thrown into the fire,” and then tells him that the Stepfather wants to talk to him, and Richard flips out and is like, “The Stepfather??? THIS STEPFATHER?”

Back at the swan hatch, they’re digging through old, like, washing machines to find Juliette, and are all wearing jumpsuits, except for Kate whose jumpsuit must have fallen off when she flew up into that tree. In the woods, Hugo is talking to the mystery man and saying something about a taxi ride and a plane ticket, and the mystery man is like, “I died a little while ago,” and Hugo’s like, “Oh, that’s too bad,” like, LITERALLY, that’s what he says. Comedy?

Anyway, the mystery man says to take Sayid (you know, Balraj from Bride & Prejudice) through a temple (?) to a hole (?) where the French team is (??) to save him and that, btw, his name is Jacob (like, the guy who died in the fire, I’m making so many mystery connections already!!) and Hugo’s like, “Laters,” and then that sweater-buttoning-tyrant shows up to tell Hugo that they need the VW Bus to pull the old washing machines away to save Juliette, and Hugo’s like, “Yeah, okay, I wasn’t just talking to a ghost or anything.” But, I guess after being on a mystery island for five years, nothing is weird anymore.

They bring the Bus to the swan hatch and start attaching chains to the washing machines. Sawyer watches Jack help out and gets all pissed, which is funny, because that’s the kind of reaction I’d have. Like, helping will not make up for me being mad at you, and in fact, seeing you helping is just going to make me madder. He also tells Kate that if Juliette doesn’t survive, he’ll kill Jack. Which I think is fair, not knowing what it is that Jack did.

Back on the plane, they need a doctor, and Jack is a doctor, but the person who needs help is the bathroom with the door locked, so Sayid comes out of nowhere and is like, “Allow me to help,” and then kicks in the door, which may or may not be a skill he learned when torturing people. The person in the bathroom is PENIS BOAT, so the show has officially started for me.

Also, Sawyer is bored and wants to know what’s going on, but the stewardess is like, “You’re not a doctor or some sort of possible mercenary (?) so stay in your seat,” and he’s like, “Greeeeat. I’m still bored.” Jack digs around in Penis Boat’s throat for a while and finds a little baggie of drugs. I have a really strong gag reflex. It’s on my dental records. LOL? That scene made me gag. A lot. So Penis Boat starts breathing again and wakes up and looks dismayed and says, “Am I alive?”, and Jack’s like, “Yeah, I know. You’re alive. It’s great, isn’t it?” Is Jack the dumbest person on the island? Like, dumber than Hugo?

Back at the swan hatch, they get all the appliances out of the way so Sawyer can climb down and find Juliette. Sawyer’s annoying. Is it just me? He’s really annoying. Anyway, he finds Juliette, who’s got so much ketchup on her face.

So much. I remember from the ads that they were a mystery island couple, so that’s why he was trying so hard to save her. It doesn’t mean he’s not annoying. If they ever get off the island, I don’t think any of these relationships will last. Like, they’ll go home and be all, “Together forever [that's a shout out to All My Children],” but then after a few weeks, they’ll be like, “There’s no mysteries to solve and also, I don’t like your non-island clothes.” But maybe the island isn’t an island at all. So many mysteries! Anyway, Juliette says that she’s the one who blew everyone up so she could go back in time and save Sawyer from ever being on the island, but it wouldn’t have saved him from being a jerk.

Meanwhile, Dr. Jack is like, “I could save Sayid, but it wouldn’t really save Sayid, kwim?” and Hugo’s like, “There’s a hole in a temple with a French team or key I couldn’t really tell what that ghost mystery man was saying, so does that mean something to you? Will you take me there?”

Back at the Indiana Jones temple (which might be the temple?? am I solving all the mysteries??), a bunch of men with guns (but not Richard) come into the temple to find out why Ben is saying the Stepfather’s alive when he’s dead and also what happened to Jacob, and the Stepfather is like, “You guys were Jacob’s body guards, and I just killed Jacob in a fire, so you’re welcome for the vacation?” And then they shoot at the Stepfather, but he might be made of metal? He also disappears.

And then this totally crappy looking CGI mist comes into the room and kills everyone. But it takes a minute to kill the main gun-toter, because first it had to gingerly smack him in the shoulder with a small rock because there was some kind of light being emitted from him in flashes like someone was taking pictures of him, but after it grazed him with that small rock it was able to pick him up and impale him on something, so the mist wins! Are we rooting for the mist? Why is the mist so poorly animated? Also, one time there was a lightning storm, and my sister didn’t notice it from any other window in the house and she saw flashes coming from under my door, and she thought I was taking pictures of myself in the dark and was all, “Why are you taking PICTURES of yourself, weirdo?” and then I was all, “Why can’t you see all the lightning, BLIND WEIRDO?”

The mist didn’t kill Ben, though, who starts to leave the temple but then turns around slowly and sees the Stepfather standing there, who’s all, “Sorry you had to see me as a robot who repels bullets, dude.” I bet people turning around slowly and then seeing someone they thought was dead happens A LOT on this show. Because it’s happened in this episode, like, fifteen times.

Back at the swan hatch, everyone’s like, “Hello?? Sawyer? Can you call up finally and tell us if Juliette’s alive or not, because we’ve been waiting for half an hour,” and Sawyer’s response is, “WORKIN’ ON HER!” Sawyer’s supposed to be the worst, right? Meanwhile, Juliette’s wearing jeans and a puffed sleeve top. Is that part of the mystery? Then Juliette starts talking about getting coffee, and Sawyer is totally weirded out because people only talk about getting coffee and GOING DUTCH when they’re about to die. And then she’s like, “Kiss my ketchup face,” and he’s like, “YOU GOT IT GROWL,” and then she has to tell him something really important, but it’s so important that she dies trying.

Sawyer brings dead Juliette out of the hole and everyone looks sad, but Jack and his ketchup smear look nervous because Sawyer is now really going to kill him. Spoiler?

Back on the plane, Penis Boat is pissed because he was supposed to be left to die so that the coroner could get the drugs he was bringing from Australia? And then Jack asks the old couple where his Australian seatmate went and they’re like, “We were, um, *AHEM* sleeping,” which, ew! And then she’s like, “Hey! Buckle up! We’re almost home!” Why can’t she mind her own business?

Everyone else on the plane looks poignantly at all their belongings because probably in season 2 or something, that one guy was like, “I got a watch from my dying grandmother right before the plane crashed,” and that other guy was like, “I was going to meet my mail order bride when we got to LA,” and that other guy was like, “I was going to play this guitar in heaven.”

The plane lands and the cops show up. Kate looks nervous, but they’re actually there to arrest Penis Boat, who shoots death rays at Jack, because Jack has to have enemies in every dimension. Then everyone gets off the plane except the Stepfather, who has to be helped into his wheelchair! Mystery solved! He didn’t go on a walkabout because he can’t even walk! The end.

Part two of episode one tomorrow.