High School Reunion’s 3rd season started this week, and I figured that I should write about it, but then I fell into this really deep depression, because what is there to say about High School Reunion that hasn’t already been said? But, like, everything, because Sally and I are the only people that watch this show.

Do you like reality dating shows? Do you like uncomfortable situations? Do you like witnessing awkward “oh my GOD what was that guy’s NAME?” moments? No? Well, me neither, but when you mix them all together, you get High School Reunion, which brings a dozen or so members of a 20-year-reunion high school class together and sticks them in a house in Hawaii and gives them unlimited alcohol and sun and lots and lots of forced dates and bonding. It manages to be the best reality show since Jersey Shore, which is interesting, because Jersey Shore started after High School Reunion, and I’ve watched HSR since the first season, but I guess I’ve watched Jersey Shore my whole life, since I live here.

This guy really wants you to stick with me on this one.

Actually, he doesn’t, because I’m a liberal-lovin, but we’ll get to that in a minute.

This season features former students of a high school in Las Vegas, who graduated in 1989, which was 35 years before I was born. The format of the show is that about 2/3rds of the students show up on the first day, and then over the week, more students are sort of shuttled in as blasts from the past. Like, “I had a crush on you. Guess who!!” is written on this thing called a hall pass, which gets you out of the house for a one-on-one dinner or some kind of extreme Hawaii activity and then there’s an awkward date and then it’s made MORE awkward when the date’s over and that secret admirer has to come live in the house with you. It’s like Blind Date. No! It’s like that show where the people on the blind date had to spend an entire weekend together on a cruise ship!

It’s like that, but with people you kind of knew a long time ago. Did I mention my ten year reunion is coming up? Did I mention I’m sort of kind of on the planning committee, but then the committee all disappeared and it was me and one other person trying to find a place to have it, and every place I called was like, “You want to pay us money for drinks and food and all we have to give you is, like, a couch with a little reserved sign on it? NO THX!!!” We should have just called Hawaii, because they’re accommodating, but I guess that’ll have to be our twenty year reunion, and OH MY GOD I just thought about how stupid it would be to have my class on High School Reunion, because they categorize people by their high school personality, and everyone in my class would be, like, “The Nerd” “The Geek” “The Jerk” “The Other Jerk”. My high school had no sports. Or cool people.

Back to the show! I’m not gonna get too into all of the cast, because some of them had nothing going on this week, like Rachelle who looks exactly the same as she did in high school and was in “controlling” relationships and really just wants to bone someone. Or Antanus who, in spite of his Urkel glasses and retainer, was a ladies’ man and wants to bone everyone, even though he’s got a gf of four years back home. Or Joe who was a football player, and he dated this girl Jodi who was a cheerleader and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. But, seriously, who does Jodi look like??

I’m thinking it’s an actress, but it’s driving me nuts! But, whatever, they dated and then they didn’t date and now she’s in love with him, but so in love that she feels like she’s 13 or 12 when she’s making out with him, and she provided the producers of the show with love letters that she then read aloud to him and then pretended that she hadn’t seen them in years, like, she’s a bit of a basketcase is what I’m saying. So they want to bone each other, and Joe possibly wants to bone other ladies. Tracy was miss school spirit, and I don’t think she wants to bone anyone, but we’ll get back to her later. And then Lori wants to bone NOW PLEASE.

When it comes to episode one, season three, possibly called 301, possibly called “Boning”, probably called “Homosexual on Railroad Tracks”, these are the standouts:

1. Cyndi, The Nerd

She was unattractive in high school! She was skinny! Kids may have possibly called her Bony Moni, or Bony Maroni, or Bony Balogna, but whatever it was, it was mean! And according to the comments on the HSR site, Cyndi probably wasn’t even a 1989 graduate, so no wonder nobody has any idea who she is. She certainly gave them enough time to check her out on her way from the car, though.

Hey, you know what’s embarrassing? Having a roomful of non-strangers think you’re a stranger. It’s never happened to me, but I’ve always been worried that it will. Like, I’ll show up to my HIGH SCHOOL REUNION in a few months, and everyone will be like, “Wait, were you the girl that had the fatal allergy to lobster and died sophomore year, or…” Not that my face every changes but, damn, that would suck even more for me then, huh? But, anyway, I get that this is probably supremely embarrassing and Cyndi’s absolute worst fear, but when you’re walking up to a group of people who are all looking at you like this

it’s probably best to just say, “Hey, guys, I’m Cyndi. Ha! I KNEW you wouldn’t remember me! I was in xx class with you (or whatever),” then…

Don’t blame it on nerves! That’s a treatable condition.

Um, Cyndi has a secret that she’s waiting to reveal to the group. Her secret is not that she wasn’t a graduate of the class of ‘89, although that might clear up some of the confusion over why these people don’t know her. Her secret is that she was an exotic dancer, which helped her gain confidance, and now no one can think she’s lame because she’s taken her clothes off for strangers. I mean, my name isn’t Tyra Banks. I don’t think she’s lame because she’s taken her clothes off for strangers. She seems lame in addition to the fact that she’s taken her clothes off for strangers.

2. Summergirls

Hey, were you ever in high school? Did you belong to a clique? Did you name your clique a stupid name of which you are now entirely embarrassed? I didn’t either, but I know some people who did. If my group of friends had a name, it would probably be… Actually, I’m not even gonna go there, because it’s embarrassing me to even get back to a place where I would have been old enough to think naming my group of friends would have been a good idea.

Okay, but, when you were in high school did you ever get cheesy pictures of you and your friends taken? Me, too. Did you get professional pictures of you and your friends taken? Did you get them taken at least four times?

Lissette and Elena were both part of the group The Summergirls, which were hotter than the cheerleaders because girls wanted to be the cheerleaders, but guys wanted to hang out with the Summergirls. Which statement was followed by a hilarious roundup of opinions about the Summergirls ranging from, “High maintenance. Ridiculous,” to “The Summergirls were bitches.”

Hey, at least that guy in the van is feeling it.

Hey, Summergirls. When should petty manufactured high school rivalries end?

Hey, Summergirls. Are you excited to see each other?

Hey, Summergirls. You’ve already made one of your classmates feel crappy about herself after seeing you in your Desperate Housewives bikini-and-heels getups. Could you think of a way to make everyone in the house uncomfortable?

The Summergirls are pretty lame, with all the rolling their eyes at the cheerleaders, and then referring to themselves as “evolved”. But, they’re not that bad. Yet. Right now, I’ve got a Bony Maroni to pick with our last classmate.

3. John, the Homophobe

John showed up with a bottle of Patron and a wish to see “old friends with new tits.” He did not want to see any men’s parts.

HE DID NOT MEAN MEN. He doesn’t want any funny business. Unless it’s naked funny business involving women. Naked women. With fake boobs.

Okay, look. John is clearly perma-intoxicated. And I don’t know if he’s an alcoholic like the guy last year who was clearly battling some demons but ended up being given the opportunity to redeem himself and apologize for all the effed up stuff he said to his classmates during the reunion, and then they all took him back into the fold, starting with the woman he insulted the most who was all forgive and forget please dudes it’s holy and whatever and he was like, This is the best gift anyone’s ever given me, this forgiveness, and you felt good that a bunch of people you don’t know made up over issues that were possibly entirely manufactured by the staff of TVLand (TVLAND!).

The demon John is battling is Glenn Beck, and Glenn Beck is taking over John’s face. He’s also battling the demon of assclownedness, which is unsquashable, I’m sorry Brandon Walsh. John is given a detention, which is the flip side of a hall pass because you get to go on a date with a person who hates you and wants to punch your face. He’s already way pissed about this buzz-harshing-ness, but it’s not like he’s still not totally and completely trashed when he shows up at the abandoned railroad tracks to meet

Trent Reznor? Okay. Trent Reznor, who was tormented by John in hs, and wants an apology.

Hey, wait. That’s not Trent Reznor!

It’s Eric. The Gay Guy. Eric? I would reconsider that haircut. Bangs don’t cover a receding hairline.

Wait. Abandoned railroad tracks??

Anyway, he wants a little redemption, and John, well… John does this.

Aw, look at the little piggy run. I don’t know who referred to the situation as bologna, but that’s a great description. I mean, first of all, if you’re gonna make fun of somebody, don’t make fun of them for being gay. Pointless (unnecessary goes without saying). Make fun of them for things they can control and are funny. Like this.

And don’t wander up into someone’s personal space and then tell them to not touch you in order to prevent you from breathing your stale tequila and sunburn breath all over them. But, Eric? Not everyone is willing to sit patiently and listen to you while you tell them they were awful. I’m just saying a little preparation would have been nice. My preparation would have involved my plan A speech about how I was a gay man when I was in 5th grade and my name is Eric and NOTHING, and then preparing for the worst. John’s the worst. Plan B includes just saying, “Hey, you were a dick, and I guess you still are.”

Back at the house, John described his experience as worthless, as “Meeting a homosexual on the railroad tracks,” and then yelled and screamed over Tracy (the school spirit chick) who told him to grow up. Apparantly there’s something between being gay and being a liberal, and that’s being a liberal lover. Or a liberal-lovin. Are all liberals gay now? Is that what the Glenn Beck demon says? Tracy gave it to him pretty good, though, so I like her for being the only classmate to actually call John out for being a dick.

You know, what? John is bologna. He’s straight up bologna. Let’s watch the little piggy run forever and ever.

That’ll do, piggy.