I’m having trouble remembering anything that happened on this episode, because it was really boring.

There’s a lot of blah blah blah’ing in the beginning about how all of the little models want to be there to win and how they all think the other models are going to try to take their spot and that they don’t want to be eliminated now because that would mean they wouldn’t win, so thanks for explaining the basic premise of any reality competition to us.

Lazy Eye Too has been getting hammier and hammier each week in her interviews, and it’s getting to the point where she’s punctuating everything with one of those fake choking laughs, and I was REALLY hoping she’d do a crappy job this week so that I wouldn’t have to hear her COMPLETELY OVER THE TOP PHONY TAKE ON EVERY SINGLE MUNDANE THING THAT HAPPENS IN THE HOUSE OMG I POSED FOR PICTURES TODAY AND SO DID THE OTHER GIRLS AND I WANTED TO DO WELL AND WAS HOPING THEY’D DO NOT AS WELL UH HUH HUH GASP! This week she’s particularly annoyed with Weird Girl because Weird Girl is pretty much the best model in the competition and everyone knows it. And now that the girls have all seemed to find their own level and stop hating each other for no reason (especially since the most heinous contestants have gone home and have left us with the most boring + Laura), they know that they have to find drama so that they won’t be the only silent one on the couch at the Tyra Show next month. Lazy Eye Too has decided to scream about how great she thinks Weird Girl is and how much she wants to gnash her with her teeth every time she sees her specifically because she’ll probably win due to sheer talent.

In other news, Sundai was adopted, I guess, and that is where all of her problems stem from, but we won’t know her problems unless she makes it to top four, which means she’s so obviously going home tonight. She also says that if she doesn’t make it to the end and win this fake modeling contest, then her life is essentially over. Like, if she can’t be a model specifically through winning a competition that exists entirely inside of Tyra Banks’ head, her life is over. She’s 18, btw. Maybe her top-four-reveal would have been that she’s in the witness protection program and that, if she left the competition before the final week, the feds wouldn’t be able to protect her any longer and the bad guys would find her and kill her right outside of the Hawaii house. It’s a possibility, I guess.

Also, it’s Laura’s birthday, and she gets birthday spam.

The girls go to the beach and a boat rows up to them with an actual real model (for once) on it, and the girls scream and scream that they think it’s Marissa Miller and it is!!!! but it takes the boat, like, an hour to get to them, so by the time Marissa Miller steps out onto the sand, they’re all just sort of staring at her like they’ve forgotten who she is. MM teaches them to pose in a swimsuit, and they all do fine, I guess, but then they have to put on sneakers with their bikinis, which is so awk, and go up to a cliff where Nigel Barker emerges from his tanning bed to tell them to jump into the water and have their pictures taken on the way down. The prize is the extra frames telephone game, where the winner picks a friend for some extra frames, and then they pick a friend for some extra frames, etc., until the last girl standing gets the razz. The winner is Weird Girl (which causes Lazy Eye Too to FLIP OUT IN AN INTERVIEW LIKE WHAT A SURPRISE) and the old maid is Erin, who everyone declares didn’t get extra frames for being bratty. Erin makes a stank face, like, whatever, bitches, I’ll just do really well with my pitiful amount of frames.

Back at the house, they all prepare a birthday celebration for Laura. While icing the cupcakes, Erin does that thing that some people (in high school, one of those people may or may not have been me) do to be funny where they fake yell at people all, “If you touch that cupcake one more time, I’m gonna kick your ass!” but all of the girls (minus Laura, who gets the joke) are convinced that Erin’s being dictator-like with the cupcakes, but I think she was just unsuccessfully trying to be a laugh riot. Laura is appreciative of all of the love and care that went into the party, because Laura is the nicest person that’s ever been in Tyra Banks’ orbit. I kind of hope she gets kicked off soon, because I’m scared of Tyra trying to crack her open to feed off of her niceness for the next season of the Tyra Show.

The shoot involves getting pictures taken underwater, with a photographer who was a judge on the (sadly) short lived reality competition “The Shot” from VH1 where photographers competed for some kind of big commercial photography prize, and which gave us the amazing line, “The concept for this shoot is ‘Hair Dance.’” Laura goes first and flips out underwater immediately after taking away the oxygen. She got extra frames, so she gets to come up onto the boat and get some tips from Mr. Jay, who is, once again, totally surprised at how good her pictures are, just like he is every week, just like the panel is every week, because they have that amnesia like from Memento where Laura’s consistently good pictures will just never register in the memory part of their brains. The other girls all do fine, except Sundai, who complains about her asthma, water that got in her ear from the earlier competition (where she dove into the water on her side, like a big dope), and water that goes up her nose. Also, Erin blows it because she takes all of her pictures too close to the surface of the water instead of diving down, which she would have been told to do by Jay halfway through if it weren’t for the fact that she didn’t get extra frames. Wah wah.

At panel, Laura has on a blazer over a dress, and Tyra once again, with a disgusted look on her face, conjectures that her grandma made it, and while Laura explains that she saw a designer jacket in a magazine and loved it and told her grandma and her grandma made a copy of it and sent it to her for her birthday, Ms. J seems excited in that way that he seems to be excited by anything outside of his own reality and Marissa Miller says that it would look “good with jeans, too”, and Tyra continues to try to swallow down the bile. But, worse than normal, Tyra says for her to take it off and give it to TYRA and then puts it under her judging table, like Laura brought in a toy to class and the teacher had to confiscate it until the end of the day. I hope Laura’s grandma really hates Tyra.

The pictures are all fine, I guess, but Sundai and Erin end up in the bottom three. According to Tyra, the fact that there were double the amount of chances for Sundai means she should have taken a better picture than Erin, but Erin’s a ringer, so obviously she couldn’t get kicked off. So, she doesn’t. And Sundai starts weeping, just like that girl last week whose name I’ve already forgotten because they obviously both figured Erin wouldn’t be saved so many times in a row, but they were wrong. Hey, also? Maybe Sundai got kicked off because she’s FIVE FOOT THREE. She’s a shrimp. We’ll never know what her back story was, but at the end she does mention that she’ll just have to go on doing what she was doing (guarding her pot of gold?) the best she can since this model thing isn’t gonna happen.

Next week, the recession hits again, and there will be no final three this year. Oh, well!