I originally wrote these recaps for my friend Laura Lee in short little bursts on her facebook page. Since facebook will evenutally delete them, I am now recording them here and for, like, evermore.

Okay, so the first episode, a bunch of girls who have faces which look like models, but whose bodies are, like, average height, got on the show, and Tyra’s making them wear flats so they always look short, but it’s giving this optical illusion of making them look like they’re little people, like their heads are too big for their bodies. And she screamed in a bad French accent pretty much only because she had to say the word “petite.”

Then, in the second (half of the first) episode, they got makeovers (already!) and they were kind of all the same. Like, three girls got bleached eyebrows? And this one chick Bianca had attitude about her makeover because Tyra bleached her eyebrows, but she showed up with a shaved head, so there wasn’t much they could do besides glue a wig on her, like, literally KRAZY GLUE a wig on her head, but she had attitude about it.

Then they had a photo shoot where they re-enacted a baby picture of themselves because GET IT THEY’RE SMALL and most of them did okay, but Bianca complained about her makeup and that her outfit smelled around the armpits and Mr. Jay and Tyra did not like that and she got put in the bottom two.

The other girl in the bottom two replaced someone who made it but decided not to do the show (for “personal reasons” read: yeast infection), and Tyra kicked the replacement off instead of Bianca because the replacement, like, didn’t cry enough or something.

And then on last night’s [the third] episode, they all met with the owner of Wilhelmina Models who seemed SO pissed that he had to pretend that petite models is a real classification that actually has anything to do with anything other than the petite section of the Kohl’s circular. And one girl was asked to sing a show tune and she couldn’t think of anything, so they kicked her off RIGHT IN THE OFFICE! And she said she was waiting for Tyra to jump out and yell “sike!” but she didn’t and she was sad and she went home. and another girl has an eye disease that makes her eye droop and she talked about it forever.

Then Tyra did ANOTHER skit where she told someone off, but this time she spoke in her regular American accent, except she had on a superhero costume and called herself “Super Smize” and taught the girls to smile with their eyes, but why is it spelled “SMIZE” instead of, like, “SMEYES?” and! she said “smizeing with your eyes” which is like taking a picture of a picture of a picture.

They had a photo shoot on a horse at the place where Shortbiscuit or whatever that horse’s name is won, because he won against the odds and they will, too! Except they WON’T because there are no odds because they’re ALL SHORT.

And they had to wear long wigs that approximately matched the colors of the horse’s manes, and the girl with the droopy eye (who’s Asian) tried to pose but the horse flipped his shit, and Sally declared that the horse is racist.

One of the girls had a broken foot and Mr. Jay said that he wanted her to pose without heels on so she wouldn’t get hurt and she cried that he made her feel like she was disabled and then had a pissy attitude and cried some more at the house about how it’s not fair that they’re using her disability against her and then told a girl that told her to shut up that she’s allowed to express her sorrow over having no legs IF. SHE. WANTS. TO.

At one point, the jockey they were posing with (and on, sometimes) said to one of the models to “Stop being so nervous, girl!” ’cause he was sassy and a better model than any of the contestants.

And then Bianca complained (to the camera, so it doesn’t count!) that she had to wear a cheap Halloween store blond wig and took a crappy picture. She also put dirty dishes in the dishwasher that had just finished its cycle and when Droopy Eye said to her that the dishes in there were clean she yelled and yelled that it wasn’t her fault and that she thought it was so stupid for someone to get so upset about dishes like what’s the big deal it’s JUST DISHES!!!! But she was wearing a string bikini during this fight, so everything she said sounded even stupider.

At judging, Bianca said, “I want to see what this wig is gonna look like,” and the judges got somber and she landed in the bottom two with the girl with the broken foot. And Bianca was kept AGAIN!

PS, she’s fug.