So, that girl who avoided the bottom 2 twice in a row? Two girls in the house hate her and talked massive amounts of shit about her for the whole episode. And then, when this one girl (who describes herself as “weird” – which I hate because it usually means you’re not weird at all – but she’s basically just kind of quiet) went and talked to Bianca, because she doesn’t like shit-talkers and wanted Bianca to have a friend, and was told by Bianca all about her abusive bf and how she acts like a bitch to cover up her scars and blah blah blah Tyra-py speak, the “weird” girl understood her better, but was being “manipulated” and “used” by Bianca, according to the shit-talkers, who then brought the “weird” girl inside to manipulate her into feeling bad about trying to befriend someone they hate and then use her for information on Bianca.
She didn’t fall for it.

They had a runway teach by Miss J and one of the shit-talkers couldn’t stop talking about how awesome her walk was (Miss J wasn’t said she was too stiff) and the other said she had a signature walk (she evidently watched a fashion show once and tried to imitate them and now she thinks it’s a signature walk) but Miss J said she looked stumpy. He praised this girl whose name is Brittany, but i guess she didn’t hear him or whatever, and back at the house, while practicing, the shit-talkers told her they’d help her and give her tips, and then told her that her walk was bad. Brittany protested that she thought her walk was good, and they told her she was awk.

At the challenge, they had to walk a runway paired with normal sized models, so they all looked like tiny little children walking with their glamorous mothers, and Brittany won the challenge, because, duh, the shit-talkers are never right. They were also called out for being Stiff and Stumpy, which sounds like the name of a terrible fetish porn.

While they were eating lunch before the show, the shit-talkers had a conversation that went as follows:
Stumpy – I was in the makeup chair? And Bianca?
Stiffy – What did she do?
Stumpy – She was just talking…
Stiffy – Oh, God.
Stumpy – It annoyed me so much.
The “weird” girl was surprised they brought their shit to the set and couldn’t keep their shit confined to the house, preferably the bathroom.

At the photo shoot, all the girls were able to watch each other work, which the shit-talkers liked, because Brittany didn’t do too well, and they talked a lot of shit about her.

When they went up, Jay told Stiffy that she was a little stiff, and Stumpy that she looked stumpy, and then he started choking her because he had wanted her to do better and then she said, “Yes! That’s what I need!” and he said, “To be choked??” and he backed off really quickly, because that was some kind of s&m shit and he wasn’t into it.

But, Stiffy and Stumpy were convinced, despite these obvious criticisms, that they had had the best photo shoots, and that everyone else better catch up to them. “Weird” girl still looked forlorn. I think she was just tired of all the shit in their room.
At panel, Brittany did have a terrible picture, but so did a lot of the girls, including both Stiffy and Stumpy. “Weird” girl managed to look like she was wearing stilts, like, literally wearing stilts, because her torso looked like it was 15″ long and her legs looked like they were 15′ long, and it was creepy, but i guess in terms of the idea of the photo (look tallz!) it was a good job. She got called second. Bianca was called close to the beginning because, even though she did not look tall in her photo, her face looked “soft and pretty” (the only reason it was good is because you couldn’t see her tiny little teeth and her giant gums). To achieve this, the photographer made her think of Jesus. No lie.

Stiffy just made it out of the bottom two, and Brittany and Stumpy were dead last. But, Brittany had a good runway walk and had a good picture last week, so Brittany stayed and Stumpy left, and Stiffy cried and cried and “weird” girl looked a little sad because she always looks sad, but was probably also a little happy, you just couldn’t tell.

But i feel like Stiffy still has a partner in this weird big-mouthed (physically big-mouthed) girl who was talking shit with them one night, but was also friends with Brittany. And the shortest shortie in the house also made Bianca feel bad by telling her that one of her bffs in the house had talked shit about her behind her back before going home, so “weird” girl has a lot more shit to deal with, unfortunately.

I originally wrote these recaps for my friend Laura Lee in short little bursts on her facebook page. Since facebook will evenutally delete them, I am now recording them here and for, like, evermore.

Okay, so the first episode, a bunch of girls who have faces which look like models, but whose bodies are, like, average height, got on the show, and Tyra’s making them wear flats so they always look short, but it’s giving this optical illusion of making them look like they’re little people, like their heads are too big for their bodies. And she screamed in a bad French accent pretty much only because she had to say the word “petite.”

Then, in the second (half of the first) episode, they got makeovers (already!) and they were kind of all the same. Like, three girls got bleached eyebrows? And this one chick Bianca had attitude about her makeover because Tyra bleached her eyebrows, but she showed up with a shaved head, so there wasn’t much they could do besides glue a wig on her, like, literally KRAZY GLUE a wig on her head, but she had attitude about it.

Then they had a photo shoot where they re-enacted a baby picture of themselves because GET IT THEY’RE SMALL and most of them did okay, but Bianca complained about her makeup and that her outfit smelled around the armpits and Mr. Jay and Tyra did not like that and she got put in the bottom two.

The other girl in the bottom two replaced someone who made it but decided not to do the show (for “personal reasons” read: yeast infection), and Tyra kicked the replacement off instead of Bianca because the replacement, like, didn’t cry enough or something.

And then on last night’s [the third] episode, they all met with the owner of Wilhelmina Models who seemed SO pissed that he had to pretend that petite models is a real classification that actually has anything to do with anything other than the petite section of the Kohl’s circular. And one girl was asked to sing a show tune and she couldn’t think of anything, so they kicked her off RIGHT IN THE OFFICE! And she said she was waiting for Tyra to jump out and yell “sike!” but she didn’t and she was sad and she went home. and another girl has an eye disease that makes her eye droop and she talked about it forever.

Then Tyra did ANOTHER skit where she told someone off, but this time she spoke in her regular American accent, except she had on a superhero costume and called herself “Super Smize” and taught the girls to smile with their eyes, but why is it spelled “SMIZE” instead of, like, “SMEYES?” and! she said “smizeing with your eyes” which is like taking a picture of a picture of a picture.

They had a photo shoot on a horse at the place where Shortbiscuit or whatever that horse’s name is won, because he won against the odds and they will, too! Except they WON’T because there are no odds because they’re ALL SHORT.

And they had to wear long wigs that approximately matched the colors of the horse’s manes, and the girl with the droopy eye (who’s Asian) tried to pose but the horse flipped his shit, and Sally declared that the horse is racist.

One of the girls had a broken foot and Mr. Jay said that he wanted her to pose without heels on so she wouldn’t get hurt and she cried that he made her feel like she was disabled and then had a pissy attitude and cried some more at the house about how it’s not fair that they’re using her disability against her and then told a girl that told her to shut up that she’s allowed to express her sorrow over having no legs IF. SHE. WANTS. TO.

At one point, the jockey they were posing with (and on, sometimes) said to one of the models to “Stop being so nervous, girl!” ’cause he was sassy and a better model than any of the contestants.

And then Bianca complained (to the camera, so it doesn’t count!) that she had to wear a cheap Halloween store blond wig and took a crappy picture. She also put dirty dishes in the dishwasher that had just finished its cycle and when Droopy Eye said to her that the dishes in there were clean she yelled and yelled that it wasn’t her fault and that she thought it was so stupid for someone to get so upset about dishes like what’s the big deal it’s JUST DISHES!!!! But she was wearing a string bikini during this fight, so everything she said sounded even stupider.

At judging, Bianca said, “I want to see what this wig is gonna look like,” and the judges got somber and she landed in the bottom two with the girl with the broken foot. And Bianca was kept AGAIN!

PS, she’s fug.