Yeah, yeah, I know I’ve written about Pretty in Pink before. That was just about the prom dress, though. Sally and I were watching it last night and discussing how annoying Andie is, so I had to outline it. Btw, as lame as I find the idea of Andie and Blaine even wanting to have gone out in the first place, I’m totally not an Andie and Duckie shipper. I think that the idea of putting them together is kind of ridiculous, seeing how the entire movie was about a burgeoning relationship between two people and, between the other two, an unrequited love on one side and an entitled sense of indifference on the other. Why would you WANT Duckie to end up with Andie? She’s kind of a jerk. She treats him like crap, acts like she’s never seen him do something ridiculous to get a laugh before, and constantly plays like she can’t understand him. After 8 years of a very solid friendship.
The whole movie is so awkward, and it’s almost entirely because of Andie. And not because she’s poor or because she’s picked on or because she’s supposed to be a little awkward because it’s high school and she’s supposedly having some kind of Romeo + Juliet moment and you can relate because you’ve been there and you know how it is to feel like you’re on the outside looking in and everyone is talking about you behind their hands and you don’t know if you can stick it out to be with this person, but because Andie is a creep and a half.
Even Steph, who has no feelings, is, like, WTF? Now I’m glad I never convinced her to hook up with me.
Here are ten things that are awkward and uncomfortable about this movie.
1. Andie is mean to people who are nice to her.
Andie gets in trouble (intentionally) in gym class and then goes to the principal dressed like some kind of crazy rich horsewoman to yell at him (who was very reasonable about her acting out, praised her academically, and told her that he just wanted her to finish out school without getting arrested for something stupid) that she’s poor and shouldn’t even be at that school. Awk.
Btw, what’s up with that silver pitcher and the fancy lamp? What kind of weirdo principal is this?
2. Andie is really bad at flirting.
I mean, she makes faces like that.
And then, when a guy she supposedly likes, tries to flirt with her, she gets all head-snappy about whether he’s going to pay for his stupid record (that he’s only buying, with a neon obvious sign over his head, because he’s trying to flirt with her) with his platinum card. Cutting people down for having rich parents = “you have nice eyes” in Andie’s world. Awk.
3. Andie is really bad at pretending to be into music.
Yeah, I’m so sure you’re really grooving to Otis right now.
Plus, she’s really bad at being a friend. Yeah, she had made plans to go out with Blaine, and yeah, no matter what the context, Duckie probably would’ve acted like a baby about it. But, when he told her he was coming to pick her up at 7:30 that night to cheer her up about her trip to the principal’s office, she should have said right then that she had a date that night. Instead, he wouldn’t have shown up and gotten in a huge fight with her, thinking that she was backing out on plans that he thought they had made.
And anyway, how could someone who’s been friends with Duckie for eight solid years witness him doing a whole lip synch routine to Try a Little Tenderness, which involves this move:
And gets this awesome reaction from Iona (who makes fun of him right to his face):
Look at him like this:
Like, “I’m so embarrassed. What is he doing?” The same thing he always does? Awk + douchey.
4. Should I cut her some slack, though? I mean, her dad’s bedroom is behind that flimsy curtain there.
AWK!
5. Andie is a terrible first date.
No, yeah, I know. Everything about the date was awkward, and you’re supposed to think it’s because both Blaine and Andie’s friends don’t like this sitch, and they had to do things like sit stiffly on a settee and watch Steph and Bennie make out. But, actually, when your date starts off this desperately:
Things are only gonna get worse. Blaine invites Andie to a party and her immediate reaction
is that he’s an asshole. For inviting her to a party. Like, why would he think his friends were going to be a problem? What kind of person thinks that of their own friends (besides Andie)? Plus, when one girl makes fun of her (hideous) outfit and then she witnesses (GASP!) people dancing in their underwear at the party, she seriously considers punching Blaine in the face for getting her into this, the worst situation of her life.
Of course, when, on her home turf, things don’t go any better and the entirety of Cats (the club, not the musical, although that one dude with the white hair could have been a traveling cast member) wants to skin Blaine alive, Andie doesn’t apologize the way she forced Blaine to. Oh, and then there’s the whole, “I don’t want you to see where I live, okay?!” exchange.
Where she, once again, is angry at Blaine for not understanding her cryptic “don’t take me home, don’t take me out” spiel. Can you imagine, though, the car ride? She’s crying and embarrassed and he’s really uncomfortable and not sure what to say to her, and this whole time, she’s having to give him directions to her shack. Awk!
6. The worst first kiss ever.
No, really. It’s awful. Awkward to the max. According to Sally, “His hand is too much on her face. They’re too upright, the same. The squeezing’s bad, and she stinks, too. It was like mannequin heads.” How come they never asked us to do some dvd commentary?
7. Andie’s an even worse second date.
If I had a bf, I’d totally want him to look like he’s about to throw up in his mouth every time he kisses me on my second effing date with him. Sexy! Plus, they clearly love each other (and would have a good time together even if they were in a Turkish prison), because they have really stimulating conversations.
Andie: If two weeks ago, somebody told me I’d be going out with you, I’d never believe them.
Blaine: Why? I’m not all that bad.
Andie: No, but…
Blaine: What about me and you? (wtf? isn’t that what they’re talking about?)
Andie: You know, it’s so insane that somebody you’ve never met, never talked to, can be your enemy. (were they enemies?)
Blaine: …Hmmmm… … Yup.
Hot. White hot.
I just need a sidebar here, though, because in this particular conversation, Blaine asks if Andie ever lies and she says that she doesn’t have to. I don’t even know what that’s supposed to mean, but I guess she’s trying to say that, being poor, she doesn’t have to lie, although, if you have money wtf do you have to lie about, you know? But, I mean, Andie concealed her date with Blaine from her closest friends which is basically a lie. She also attempted to lie to Blaine about living in a dump. And she totally lied to her father when he asked her about her outfit in the beginning of the movie. She told him the shoes were ten dollars “second hand” and that she made the rest.
Oh, really? You made the belt? And the tights? And the tights that went over the tights?
You knitted this sweater?
You make hats, too?
And, you know, I never really got that fine line between the freaks’ clothes and the richies’ clothes, because they all seem equally heinous. Andie actually dresses like a rich old bat more than the girls with the money. But, Sally figured out that slouchy, thin, muted fabrics were the difference between an expensive outfit and a piece of trash from the five and dime store. In fact, Bennie is very nicely displaying the difference for us here:
“Andie’s clothes are fug because there are a lot of layers made with thick, stiff, brightly colored fabrics, while my friend’s top is fab because its juvenile palm tree print is printed in soft hues on a silky, easily wrinkled fabric. Duh.”
Oh, and one more thing. These gym outfits?
Yeah, I really wish HTHS had made us wear tight, short shirt dresses, because those would clearly have been easier to move around in than shorts and a tshirt.
8. Andie awkwardly stumbles past her own point.
She has a terrible altercation with Blaine about how he seems to be increasingly embarrassed by their relationship, and they break up, but she’s so crackers that she goes over to Iona’s and cries about the fact that he backed out on going to the PROM! Who cares about the prom? You don’t have a date? You also don’t have a bf anymore. Awk!
Oh, yeah. Crying over this guy? Makes no sense. Sally and I figured this out once about how long their relationship had been, and it lasted a weekend. No, really! Check it out:
Monday: Andie wears her liar’s wardrobe and gets hit on by Steph. Blaine stares at her creepily from down the hallway, and then comes into Trax after school to buy the Steve Lawrence album.
Tuesday: Blaine rigs up his school’s computers to be more technologically advanced than most computers in 2009 and does this:
They stare at each other goofily and presumbaly exchange phone numbers.
Wednesday: Blaine comes back to Trax to complain about the album he bought, but Duckie trips the store alarm and Steph wants to shake it, so they don’t get a chance to talk. Andie goes home and hopes that Blaine called her.
Thursday: Blaine goes into freak territory to ask Andie out for Friday.
Friday: Worst date ever.
Saturday: Andie goes to Iona’s to dish on the previous night and then leaves to go out with Blaine for a second time, for the worst second date ever.
Sunday: Blaine goes to see Steph (you know it’s Sunday, btw, because Steph is rolling a joint in his dad’s office so he’s obviously not home yet. His parents weren’t supposed to be home until sometime on Sunday, and you would know this if you paid attention to the converstation at the party on Friday where Steph says that the party will last till Sunday, when his parents come home. Didn’t you know Pretty in Pink was an interactive mystery movie?), who tells him that Andie’s crappy. Andie goes prom dress shopping and then psycho-calls Blaine three times in a row. Blaine gets his mother to take messages as he sulks in his room and thinks over how crappy Andie really is. Andie’s father steals a prom dress for her and they get in a fight, spurred on by his inability to get a job, and her broken heart.
Monday: Andie goes on a rampage and breaks up with Blaine because he went a whole half day without calling her back.
The prom was probably the following Friday because she gets to work making her prom dress on Monday evening. That’s it! That’s their relationship! Two dates and then a heinous breakup in the quad, and THIS is how the two of them fall in love. Barf.
9. Andie can’t be blamed for everything.
Blaine’s auburn wig at the prom (worn because the actor had already shaved his head and was called back to reshoot the ending) is very awk.
10. I can, however, blame Andie for this:
The absolute most awk goodbye ever.
You know what’s not awkward about this movie? The fact that Steph smokes his cigarettes like he’s playing a tiny flute.
And the fact that, in addition to not wearing socks with his loafers (grooooooooss), Steph is almost definitely not wearing underwear under his white linen dueling suit. (Panty lines are awk.)
And this chick’s head-on-fire hairdo.
And the dancing couple on the lower left.
Um… I just noticed something. The leaning way back, the occassional clap, the lifting up one side of the dress, the belly dancer move… I might not spin as much, but I totally dance like this chick. I just need to find a guy who will do the malfunctioning robot, the who’s over there, the ballerina spin, and rock a mullet, and I might even have a better relationship than Andie and Blaine.
