Sally and I watch American Idol every year. We aren’t into voting, and we’re way more excited over a horrible performance than a great one, since it’s pretty rare that we like any of the dopey music American Idol makes the winners put out after the show is over. Most seasons we latch onto a performer who does super creepy things all season, and even if we don’t necessarily want him to win because we’re fans, we just want them to go far so we have something to look forward to each week.

In season 2 (which I watched while in college and Sally didn’t watch), it was Claiken (Clay Aiken, rather. Claiken’s a really good abbreviation, though.), who, somewhere around the time he sang Somewhere Out There, was just so creepy, that I called Sally up and told her, Start watching American Idol again. Then, season 3 sucked and I stopped watching halfway through, and then Season 4 gave us Constantine Maroulis, whose voice, hilariously observed by Sally, sounded like that of a large black diva. Seriously, find somewhere to listen to his rendition of Nights on Broadway and forget his smarmy face and you’ll seriously think it’s, like, that woman that used to be on Touched by an Angel. And then there’s the time he sang a smooth jazz version of My Funny Valentine, which is, like, the ultimate creeper first date guy song. But, Comoulis (not as good of an abbreviation, I know) got kicked off way early, so then season 4 (Bo Bice in the final two? Boring.) got old real fast. Season 5? There was literally nobdoy interesting in any way on Season 5. And Season 6, again, had nothing except for Blake Lewis’s performance of This Love – a song which holds a special place in Sally and my creepy hearts because of the time we heard two 11-year-old girls at the hibachi place singing that song to each other (inappropriate lyrics!!) over and over again while pointing strangely at each other. But, otherwise, blah.

Season 7, however, had David Cook. Who I HATED when he auditioned, because he had moronic hair and sounded like he was trying to be Chris Daughtry, and even kind of looked a little like Chris Daughtry, and I was convinced that his switched initials name was a subliminal message to make us think he WAS Chris Daughtry. And I wanted no part of the David Cook machine, until he sang Hello by Lionel Richie during the Top 36, and that was totally creepy, so we started to love David Cook. His whole specialty was turning regular pop songs into his own stalker-ish emo version of them (sometimes just by lifting other artist’s already written stalker versions, but eventually, by writing his own), and, although the judges wanted to crawl into David Archuletta’s tiny Kermit the Frog pockets all season, even they had to admit that at least David Cook was interesting. The time he sang Always Be My Baby, I looked over at Sal and said that it sounded like he was creating the soundtrack to a horror movie. These were pop songs whose lyrics I knew, but he was singing them like he was peeking through your window with tears running down his face, ready to slit your throat because, if he couldn’t have you, nobody could. Maybe I read too much into things, but then all of the rest of his songs (save for the one week where he sang the ONE Our Lady Peace song I don’t like, and, apparantly, the one he likes the best – differences!) started falling into place as the soundtrack to his creepy horror movie, too. Hungry Like the Wolf, Baba O’Reilly, I’m Alive, Little Sparrow. Even Music of the Night, which he DIDN’T switch up, just sang it totally Broadway, but which made it even MORE creepy and fitting of a horror movie (especially the “touch me, trust me” line, which has always always made me want to curl up in a ball and start crying because it’s SO EFFING CREEPY).

We figured that this year, there would be no horror movie soundtrack, no new David Cook (who was the new Constantine, who was the new Clay), because AI tends to go in cycles and usually every other year is interesting, and every OTHER year is boring. But, this year, there was Adam Lambert. Adam Lambert who, during the auditions, Sally and I were saying that we hoped would make it into the top 12, because anyone who sings with his tongue randomly hanging out is someone we want sticking around. Because, what could be creepier? It turns out that everything about Adam Lambert could be creepier. Which is odd, because everything about him when he’s not performing seems to indicate that he’s, like, the most genuinely nice guy ever. And, when it came down to him and Kris this week (who we loved from his first dance-y performance of Man in the Mirror, a song I will always be obsessed with because of my horrible inability to understand the words), we really didn’t care which one won, because the thing we were more interested in was the fact that they were, like, constantly hugging each other and smiling at each other and being bffs like woah (something that was missing from David vs. David last year, since they seemed kind of uncomfortable around each other, which was probably attributed to the age difference). The winner was unimportant since everyone loves Adam and everyone loves Kris, and the people who don’t love Kris kind of love him because Adam loves him and vice versa. Or your heart is made of stone.

Or you just don’t watch AI, which is fine.

But, anyway, Adam’s first performance was Satisfaction, which is a song that everyone is supposed to love, but I hate, because it sounds like there’s about 500 extra words in every line, and it’s always sounded awkward and rushed to me. But, Adam sang it like he was auditioning for Motley Crue in 1987, so we were fine. Satisfied. Get it?

Then he sang Black or White, which involved a lot of running around the stage, which we appreciate. I like songs where people sound like they’re losing their minds, and that’s kind of how Adam sang everything. And then, I don’t remember if it was the week he sang Tracks of My Tears (where he was sort of styled like a little ventriloquist dummy), or the week he sang Ring of Fire, or the time he sang Mad World the first time, but at some point, Sally and I were like, So, this dude’s a vampire, right?

Now, let me just say that I am not into vampires. I think they’re cheesy and annoying and I hate all that romantic shit they do. I used to watch Buffy because they sort of made fun of vampires, and I watch True Blood on HBO because there’s more to it than vampires in long coats sashaying around, but as soon as it gets to the stuff with the vampires in long coats sashaying around, I can’t even see the tv because my eyes are rolling so hard that I’m looking at the ceiling. So, I don’t, like, LIKE vampires the way that people like vampires. I can’t get into that whole world of vampires. But, I do appreciate the idea of vampires because I think the attempts at being creepy make them funny, because they move slowly and try to be romantic and I’m immune to those things. My favorite moment of True Blood was when Sookie told Bill that she couldn’t be glamoured, and she told him to try because it would be funny, and he turned to look at her all dramatically and vampire-like and said “Sook-ay” in this ridiculous vampire voice, and she started laughing at him.

But, anyway, so Adam was for real dramatic while he was performing in this sort of vampire-like way, so Sally and I decided that this dude was definitely gunning for making a soundtrack to his own vampire-themed horror movie, and, again, all the songs just started falling into place. Mad World, obvs, and Ring of Fire for that scene where he’s forced out in the sun, and then Born to Be Wild, Whole Lotta Love, If I Can’t Have You, FEELING GOOD? Seriously. He’s a vampire.

But, seriously. As immune to vampires as I think I am, he did something way creepy that I don’t think is ever gonna be topped, and I am for real this time not looking forward to AI Season 9 because I can’t imagine there being a new Adam Lambert. I think I’ve mentioned before that a really scary thing in a horror movie can make me cry. Not weep, but my eyes get teary. I don’t cry during the “touch me, trust me” line in Music of the Night (no matter which terrible version of that terrible song I’m hearing), but I do tend to put my hands over my ears until it’s over, but at the end of AL’s second time singing Mad World (which was already creepy enough because of the way he sings the line “I was very nervous”), he sort of locked eyes with the camera and widened them like he was trying to glamour us (and no lie, I JUST realized that AL’s fans call themselves – or him, I’m not sure – GLAMBERT, like, WTF????) thusly:

I seriously teared up. Glampire!