peep*blog » snow white is now a lot more raaaad

snow white is now a lot more raaaad 10January09

There is a documentary on the Season Five dvd set of Saved By the Bell, and, even though our brother bought us this set for Christmas two years ago, Sally and I never noticed it until last night. But, the documentary’s really weird because it’s all about how the show was groundbreaking in terms of teen television, and how it’s so loved by so many and how it taught moral lessons and was a great learning tool for young teens, and like, what? The only people interviewed are Peter Engle and a couple of directors and writers, and then some “fanatics” named Parrot and Citron and stuff talking about how much they loved the show (and how “they think they remember” it being set in high school???). It’s definitely a must miss. But, since we already had the dvd in last night, we decided to watch an episode (like our arms had to be twisted), and chose Snow White and the Seven Dorks. That’s right. SBTB rap style. Featuring boys wearing lip gloss, a whole lot of kissing, strange teacher-student dynamics (even stranger than normal), and farting.

It starts off in drama class, where the students are trying to decide on a this year’s play.

Kelly suggests A Chorus Line because she’s naive. Lisa suggests Cats because she’s rich and bored. And Jessie insists on Phantom because she’s going to grow up to become a fag hag.

But when a suggestion of Snow White pops up from Screech (like, I get he’s supposed to be stupid and inappropriate, but seriously, could this be more random?) and Jessie starts getting pissy about how fairy tales are for babies, their teacher sets her right:

By rubbing his glasses on her face and telling her that fairytales are romantic. Even Lisa’s like, Gurrrrl, have I got news for my gossip column toDAY!

So, anyway…

Woah, what happened to that guy’s wig??

Anyway, they’re still uninterested until Kelly suggests doing a rap version of Snow White. The teacher is super into it (and even apparantly writes the entire rap script himself overnight), and so is everyone else.

But, hold up. A rap version? Forgetting for a moment just how lame this whole idea is, I just don’t buy Kelly making the suggestion. Kelly definitely didn’t listen to rap. I’m thinking she was probably a big fan of How Do You Talk to An Angel by the Heights. And probably the Celine Dion version of Beauty and the Beast. Jessie definitely was into Erasure and Rozalla and probably played Free Your Mind by En Vogue a lot because she was into battling oppression.

Let’s see… I’m thinking AC listened to a lot of, like, Technotronic and Color Me Badd, but only when other people were around. At home, alone, I’m thinking he was really into Metallica, but he never would have told anybody. Lisa’s favorite songs of 1992 were without a doubt If I Ever Fall in Love by Shai and Finally by CeCe Peniston. I have a feeling that Screech didn’t listen to music at all.

The only one I can picture listening to rap would be Zach, actually, but it would be, like, Vanilla Ice and 2 Legit 2 Quit and Jump Around and probably Baby Got Back. Speaking of Zach, he auditions for the prince (obvs.) and he gets TOTALLY into all the rap moves. The song is something about if he never finds a princess he’ll be lonely forever, but my dvd came with a special hidden scene with the alternate version:

well, the name’s z-money and i’m here to say
i’m auditioning today in a rapping way

i like khakis with cuffs and i’m gettin’ real buff
and it ain’t quittin time ’cause i ain’t had enough

slater’s my bestie, i like his curly hair
but i’m sayin no homo, so don’t be unfair
we work out together and compare our conquests
i think i’m pretty fly, but slater is the sex
no homo!

listen up ladies, i see all of y’all
once you see me comin’, you’re all gonna fall
for me. it’s the truth and i’m lookin’ for a kiss
on the cheek. that’s right, break it down like this.

jessie’s got it twisted, ’cause always on my brain
is the girl for me, and kelly is her name.

jessie wants to finish something we started
but when i went to kiss her, she totally farted.
word. to your motha.

Anyway, he gets the part, Kelly is forced into auditioning for the Wicked Queen (and gets it), and Jessie is convinced by Zach

(in his most emotionally stirring performance ever) that she should act what she believes in and change the lines of the play to suit her feminazi style. She does, for REAL fast, and scares the piss out of the dorks.

So, here’s where it gets nasty. Kelly wanted to be Snow White because she’s not mean and doesn’t know how to act, but she’s okay with Jessie getting the part because she thinks maybe playing the queen will be fun. But, now Zach decides that he doesn’t want to play opposite Jessie (because she smells) and makes the decision to drop out of the play.

Kelly’s all, You were really good, but I don’t really give a shit, and walks away. But, Jessie eavesdrops really obviously and decides to push Zach back into being in the play being screaming at him about some dumb play they were in when they were seven. Like Zach could stand not being the center of attention, he hems and haws for a minute and then agrees, sealing the deal with this totally awkward hug. At rehearsals the next day,

Zach’s back goes out. Maybe.

And the drama teacher heals Screech televangelist style. Or something.

And then he tells Zach and Jessie that they didn’t do a very good job with the kissing scene because there was no passion. This is a high school play, dude. And it’s not even like anyone that’s in it is really interested in acting. And it’s a RAP VERSION of SNOW WHITE! Who cares?

Anyway, he asks them to rehearse a little, and Jessie, overachiever that she is, makes Zach stay late after school to make out with her.

Zach has the decency to look a little uncomfortable. But, Jessie forces him into it and they start kissing for real.

That Jessie is a sneaky one. She clearly stole the part from Kelly and then berated Zach into being professional and rehearsing with her a LOT so that she could get a chance to rub her hands through Zach’s Ken Doll hair! What a bitch! But, anyway, Zach enjoyed it, too, ’cause he’s kind of slutty.

This is what Zach and Jessie look like when they’re turned on. Seriously. Don’t look away. Then they almost kiss again.

And this is what you would have to look at if Zach Morris was going to kiss you. Scary.

But, they don’t kiss, because Jessie runs away (probably another part of her master plan!). Zach, by the way, had lip gloss on through this entire scene:

That night, rehearsals continue at Jessie’s house. This is what Lisa looks like when she’s rapping:

Hord. Oh, did I mention that Lisa walked in on Z & L making out? Because she did. And it’s a good thing that in 1992, the style was little flat shoes and not high heels, because Lisa was able to sneak around and get gossip without disturbing those who she caught making out ALL THE TIME.

Kelly’s all, Isn’t it fun making out with my boyfriend? Because she’s made of robot parts and doesn’t understand how human teenage girls feel hyperintense jealousy, and Jessie actually plays it cool (because she’s been planning this for weeks!), but Lisa spills forty beans on the carpet with her stage whispered asides and Jessie adds to the bean pile by practically pinching Lisa’s arm straight off, but Kelly never looks down at the floor and cheerfully offers to get some sodas. While they’re gone…

Holy crap, I would not want to be Jessie’s friend. It should be noted, btw, that the posters on Jessie’s wall include The Cure, Peace, Radiation Kills, Extinction is Forever, a ballerina, and Adam West as Batman. No lie.

Since we’ve totally forgotten about the Curly Conan and how he fits into this whole mess, the next day at the Max, Slater confronts Zach about Jessie’s strange behavior (when he asked her how the play was going, she yelled for the dorks from the play to take her to the forest). MPG spends the whole beginning of the scene with a little sip of water in his mouth, nervously preparing for when Slater asks if he thinks Jessie’s messing around behind his back.

That’s my favorite screen grab ever, btw. Since the results of his talk with Preppie are inconclusive, Slater ends up talking to Kelly about the possibility that Zach and Jessie have been getting it on. I wonder what they do, though, in private, because the SBTB kids don’t have genitals, right? Anyway, S & K start to get defensive about their respective loved ones, and Kelly calls Jessie a neurotic egghead.

Slater’s counter is, “Hey, that’s MY neurotic egghead.” Seriously. And he says “noo-WRAH-tic”.

But they make up.

Because they have no reason to get mad at each other, and besides, they’re sure nothing’s going on. (PS, notice the pictures in Slater’s locker: greased up Hulk Hogan, glamour shot of Jessie, “WRESTLING”, another wrestler, and the words “HOME BOY”.) They decide to skip off arm in arm to find Z & J.

Meanwhile, Z & J have been given a lecture by Mr. Belding basically telling them to make out again and see if they enjoy it, and if they don’t then everything will be fine, and if they do, then they’ll have to get their parents to sign one of those waivers so they can get married. Because kissing once begets woo-hoos from the audience, and kissing twice begets terror, and kissing three times begets babies at Bayside.

So, they move in for a kiss, and one of them totally farts.

I think it’s Jessie. So, they kiss, and they hate it! Yay!

Relieved! So relieved, in fact, that they decide that they could kiss each other again and feel great about it because it won’t mean anything! Is this like when girls at bars kiss each other so guys will buy them shots? “But, I’m not a LESBIAN! Ew!” And, in theory, that’s all well and good, but they didn’t actually have to go and really kiss each other again. And they DEFINITELY did not have to do a whole closed eyes romantic style kiss, either.

Although it’s a little less romance and a little more kissing cousins at the family reunion, but, still. Look how hard it is for Jessie to sit comfortably with those tight jeans on.

And to stand like she’s not on display at Macy’s. Slater and Kelly are done with them now, though, despite their lame excuse of, “We were kissing each other because we were happy that we didn’t like kissing each other!” Thanks, Mr. Belding, for the killer advice, btw. Although, I shouldn’t blame Mr. Belding. Maybe the stage in the high school where they are all students wasn’t a good place to test out their “Are We In Love? Kissing Will Show the Way!” theory.

Anyway, the play goes on, with Zach and Jessie having hatched up some alternate lines, and Slater and Kelly, none the wiser, looking for Hamlet/Last Act style revenge. Something weird happens backstage though.

See, Belding and the drama teacher are on their way to wish the cast good luck, but before they get there, Screech quickly hands something to a sort of guilty looking Zach. Zach fiddles with it for a second, rolls his eyes at what Belding has to say, and then does a little shifty eyed glance around.

And hands it back to Screech. I want to know what it was!! Drugs? A love letter? A broken condom? We’ll never know. The documentary should’ve covered that!

Onto the play.

Sally thinks that the dorks were getting a little too sexual with their performance. I would have to agree. But, I’m wondering how much those twins got paid. You know, the ones in the purple shirts in the audience? They’re in the background of at least one scene in just about every episode of the show, but they never have lines. So, they’re extras, but they’re, like, permanent extras.

That set is fresh. For real. So, Kelly is determined to be a snot the whole play and not let anyone say lines that will look favorably upon Snow White. She’s out for girl-on-girl style sabotage. Slater’s probably backstage banging his head against the wall, and punching mirrors, waiting for Studly’s chance to kill the Prince onstage.

You know, whenever I watch SBTB, I always think that it’s so weird that Kelly ended up being Valerie on 90210, since she seemed like a totally different actress almost. But, now I finally see it. You can just picture, off screen, Ray making out with Donna, or Kelly staring blankly yet evily at her while Brandon packs up Valerie’s things. Lisa, who as usual has no real part in the action, is all, “Check out this craaaaazy mirror!”

But, Kelly doesn’t stay passive aggressive long. She gets violent pretty quickly, and practically dislocates Jessie’s jaw by shoving this apple into her mouth. I always hated this crunching sound that it made, and I don’t know if that was a sound effect, or if that’s what it really sounded like, but it makes my mouth hurt to watch this scene.

But, as angry as K & S are, they get a big surprise when it comes time for the prince to kiss Snow White. Zach changes his lines (such a rhyming master that one!) to say that the only thing that will wake Snow White up is if Studly kisses her and pushes Slater over to the bed.