Sally and I watched a Lifetime movie last night called Don’t Cry Now. I won’t even bother going into the entirety of the plot, since it wasn’t anything too exciting (a woman finds out her stepdaughter is trying to kill her because she’s nuts and wants her father back all to herself, basically). But, there were these two things that happened in the movie that were just too incredible to let go.

Jason Priestly played the woman’s brother. There was some bad blood between them (he had been in jail for three years for conspiracy to commit murder, and he also was tight with their father who she had some unresolved issues with – issues which, incidentally, had nothing to do with her, quite frankly) and after her husband’s ex-wife is murdered (by the stepdaughter herself, it turns out – explained in a reveal that wasn’t ever really revealed and had to basically just be guessed at by us) she’s convinced that JPriest did it. I don’t really know why, since it doesn’t seem that he would have known this woman at all, and clearly would have no motive to kill her.

Anyway, the woman is pretty heinous to her brother and is suspicious of him and nasty and basically trying to catch him in any lie or criminal act that could give her cause to call the police and have him arrested again. (It turns out that he’s actually a cop, and the whole jail thing was a fake out so that he could become undercover vice without anyone knowing.) So, she goes to his house and sneaks into his bedroom and starts rifling through his drawers. She eventually finds a gun, but before that, she pulls out a box of something called Interceptors. The box is ginormous, and she sort of stares at it for about ten seconds before putting it back. There were a lot of scenes of this woman just having long, pointed reaction shots to things that weren’t in any way related to the plot. And these Interceptors? So not related to the plot.

Maybe she was surprised that he had a box of condoms in his room since he only recently got out of jail, but it didn’t seem that strange to me even before the “I was never in jail” reveal, considering this house belongs to him and did before he left for “prison.” And, he’s a guy. Condoms in his bedroom? Weird, right??? No, that’s what I thought.

The fact that he had a 48-pack was kind of bizarre, true, but honestly, that wasn’t the strangest thing about the Interceptors. The weird part was (and I don’t know if this is why the reaction shot was so long, because if it is, this movie instantly became awesome) that the economy sized box of Interceptors proudly displayed the phrase “Extra-Large.”

…

And the second thing about this movie that was weird: the woman was being poisoned by her stepdaughter unbeknownst to her and, since she had been feeling a little flu-ish and had seen a bit of blood in her saliva one day, she decided to stop by the doctor’s office. She had also, unfortunately, just realized her husband (Joe from 90210! what would Donna think?) might be having an affair with his co-anchor at the tv station (incidentally, he was having an affair, but it was with her best friend – surprise!). Her husband and this anchor woman, btw, both being in perfectly normal-seeming health. And the woman having only had a little bit of acheyness and some nausea one night and a little bit of blood in her spit when she brushed her teeth in the PAST WEEK (symptoms the stepdaughter also displayed herself in the past week), asks the doctor to perform an AIDS test.

An AIDS test! And then she brings it up again when she talks to her best friend about her suspicions about her husband’s cheating on her. An AIDS test! And THEN, when the doctor calls to tell her she’s being poisoned, the first thing she asks is, “Are the AIDS test results back?” The doctor, of course, quickly dismisses the negative result because she’s being POISONED!

And it’s not like she didn’t know that someone was out to get her. She had received an ominous warning from the husband’s ex-wife just before she was killed, so she knew she was in danger. But, of AIDS???

There was also a pretty great scene where she walks in on her husband and her best friend in bed, but without being able to capture her husband’s totally stoked face pre-noticing his wife in the room and subsequent “who is this woman on top of me?” face post-noticing his wife in the room, it just wouldn’t be fair to tease you. Sorry for doing it anyway.