Let me just get something straight about Dawson’s Creek. I hate Dawson’s Creek. Hate it. No, seriously. I hate Dawson’s Creek. And you might not think that this is true because when DC used to come on every morning at 10:00 and 11:00, I loved days when I had to stay home sick from work, because I would watch the crap out of the Creek. But, seriously, I hate every single second of it (except for when someone’s yelling at Dawson, punching Dawson in the face, or making Dawson cry) and I yell at the tv, and I kick my feet and hide my face whenever something super embarrassing happens (which is every three seconds), but I have to watch it. Because it has lasting making-fun-of power. Just like Full House, or many a Lifetime movie, or New Amsterdam. So, while I may not be ashamed to say I watch Dawson’s Creek, you will never hear me say that I like it.
But, anyway, of all the many, many, many things to hate about the show (Dawson’s giant head, Dawson’s sense of entitlement, Dawson’s paranoia, Dawson’s misplaced anger, Joey’s half-smirk, Jen’s shuffling, Henry’s everything), one of the consistently bad things through the whole run of the show is the hair. The hair! Oh, my God. It’s so bad. It’s partly because of the time, because just look at the clothes: platform slides abound, ill-fitting sun dresses, those real thick cotton too-short-but-not-intended-to-be-midriff-baring t-shirts, khaki pants upon khaki pants… Ugh. So bad. But, seriously, the hair. What were they thinking? It seems sort of like they were just effing with the whole cast. I mean, that was it, right?
No one was ever really immune from the hair torture coming from the trailers on this show. The only regular characters that came close were Audrey and Mitch. The two of them pretty much had the same hair for the run of the show, except for the time when Audrey got her hair cut to her shoulders. But, her hair wasn’t bad. A little fried sometimes, and a little too bleachy, but overall, not anything to write home about. This was about the worst it ever looked:

And that’s really mostly due to the fact that, a) she’s got horrible makeup on, b) she’s coming out of a coffin (no lie), and c) I was totally over Audrey’s “my boyfriend was too dumb to get into college and lucked into a job that pays him a lot of money that MY DAD GOT FOR HIM and I’m sad because I’m sort of kind of anti-establishment ever since that one fake-British girl asked me to sing in her crappy ‘punk’ band” drama queen routine that everything she did looked crappy. But, honestly, her hair looked fine.
And Mitch, I mean, his hair was sort of painted on with GLH, right? I think that’s what was going on with him. Not a great look, but, honestly, with Mitch? What else are you gonna do?

Sing into your devil ice cream cone and then crash your car is an option.

But, anyway, with those two out of the way, I will now present to you the 20 Worst Hair Offenders in Dawson’s…Creek…History.

20. Pacey

Seriously, you don’t know how much it pains me to put him on this list. Okay, j/k. Sort of.
I love Pacey. I love all things Josh Jackson. I mean, here’s the thing. I didn’t always love him. But, one time, JJ was in my dorm lobby for, like, four hours waiting for his sister (and, since NYU’s dorm policy is insane and I guess he didn’t have the right kind of id on him, no students could sign him in to wait for her upstairs), and these weirdos on my floor were disappointed in his choice of clothes. He was wearing, like, a sweater and… pants. I mean, nothing too exciting, but nothing bad. And the girls on my floor actually LITERALLY said that he should be wearing an Armani suit or a TUXEDO (!!!!) because he’s going to be seen in public and he’s such a “big name celebrity” (which I laughed and laughed at). Anyway, people were going up to him all day asking for his autograph, and despite the fact that I am really not interested in getting autographs usually, I happened to have just received a D2: The Mighty Ducks cassette tape as a gift from a friend like that day, and I felt like it was sort of like fate that Charlie happened to be downstairs. But, I got a last-minute panicky bout of stage fright and got my friend Mike to get the autograph for me while I pretended to check my mail. So, I seriously, no lie, LOVE Josh Jackson for this:

Of course, Mike decided to pretend it was his tape and not mine, but I didn’t let him have it. We have, like, joint custody, but it stays with me. Just in case you can’t read it, it says, “I’m impressed.” That Josh Jackson. Mike and I have such a big place in our hearts for him. But, anyway.
Back to Pacey.
See, the thing is, of all the characters on DC, I hated Pacey the least. Sure, that stupid freakout he had at the prom which caused Joey to break up with him and entertain the idea of getting back together with stupid Dawson was lame. But, for the most part, I had no problems with him. I mean, he was clearly cuter than Dawson. And he was a MUCH better boyfriend. And he had a better sense of humour. And on the rare occasion he cried, he didn’t look like this:

I mean, sure, he wore sports sandals a lot, which I find gross. But, side by side…

I’d take sports sandals over scrunch socks and hiking boots any day, DAWSON.
And, plus, when Dawson accused him of stealing the PSAT (the PSAT, like, who even cares?) and indicated that Pacey was a loser, and then Pacey said, “You, Dawson Leery, are a self-righteous son of a bitch who cares more about his rose-colored, defunct, 1950s belief system than the people who fail to live up to it,” which is just about the most accurate comment made about Dawson ever (EVER), and then Dawson tries to retaliate by making a cheap shot about Andie and how Pacey refused to forgive her for gettin’ busy with a patient at the mental hospital even though she begged (like, hey dawson. pot? meet kettle. idiot.), and then Pacey said that at least he didn’t send his girlfriend’s father to prison (true that, P), and then Dawson said that he just made his girlfriend go crazy (which, untrue), and then Pacey punched Dawson (rightly so) and then Dawson punched Pacey and miraculously wound up enough power to knock him to the ground, and then Joey comes running out to yell at Dawson and see if Pacey’s all right, PACEY says that it was HIS fault and not to blame his stupid jerk of a friend DAWSON! Better friend? Pacey. Duh.
Besides, who looked better after the fight? Dawson?

Or Pacey?

Let’s get serious.
Sorry, what?
Oh, right. Well, okay, on the negative side, he did refer to a girl who did this:

and whispered, “I can be sexual,” while attempting to seduce a sixteen-year-old boy as a “freakin’ goddess” way more than necessary. I mean, just look at how blotchy her lipstick usually came out:

Cheap shot? She wasn’t that great, is all I’m saying.
I can also forgive him these sunglasses:

And, honestly, I used to really hate his shaved head deal in season four, but in retrospect?

It’s kinda cute, actually.
His hair missteps were few, which, among others, is the reason he is at number 20. He had this kind of weird bloated thing going on in season five:

That was unfortunate. And the corporate goatee was pretty bad.

And there must have been a run on hair gel in season six, because he was seriously not the only one sporting greased up helmet hair, thusly.

But, all in all, he had sort of an even look: scruffy. And then there was this:

Which was awesome. Take him off the list!

Moving on.

19. Grams

I mean, I get that she’s a prim and proper old lady and all, but what was up with the Bride of Frankenstein wig? Seriously.

And why was Pacey’s boss at the restaurant stealing her look?

18. This Boy Next to Tobey

I seriously never understood that hair style. The super bleached with super dark roots thing? I just don’t get it. And, no lie, in, like, a seven-minute scene, the guy kept his hand on his chin with a cocked eyebrow the. entire. time.

17. AJ

The homeless man’s Pacey. The guy who not only knew what mead was by taste, but wouldn’t let Joey drink it because it was “alcoholic.” AND! The college FRESHMAN who taught English 101 at Yale, or wherever it was they were. And, meanwhile, after class when he felt sort of bad for making fun of Joey’s (stupid) choice of a favorite book, his hair looked like this:

Not an improvement. And did anyone else notice the Prince cd in the background of the first picture? AJ? Is there something you want to share?

16. Bessie

Bessie usually didn’t have anything hair-wise to say. Until she discovered the Hairdini.

15. Gail

Gail, like Mitch, was another one who found a style and stuck with it. Except her style was 80’s Power Hungry Working Mom. Which was actually her personality, so right on with the hair.

14. Professors Wilder and Hetson, and Tobey: It’s a Tie!

Okay, here’s the deal with these stooges. They all have different shades of the same puffy perv hair. Wilder is probably the puffiest. I honestly don’t understand why the entire female population of the school would be going nuts over this guy. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love Ken Marino. Just… not in that way.

Hetson’s is, like, the “cool guy” version of the perv cut, but it’s still a perv cut, and he’s not cool, so nothing’s working.

And then there’s Tobes. Who is the most pervy. It’s probably the glasses.

13. Drew Valentine

Drew had that generic late 90’s cut that was shaved on the sides and in the back and sort of fanned out from the middle over the forehead. Dawson had a similar cut for a while. It was horrible. I always thought that if they just kind of brushed their hair back it would help…

But, I was wrong.

12. Henry

There was nothing redeeming about Henry. He was whiny and immature and obnoxious and the best scene ever involving him was the scene where he told Jen that he didn’t want to hear about her friends’ problems anymore. I mean, that was pretty awesome. But, then he went right back to staring blankly in her windows and holding up signs saying he was sorry, and he ruined every ounce of credibility he had. And then there was his hair.

Again with that stupid cut, like Drew Valentine! Except Henry’s was made worse by the fact that it was shorter and thinner, so he ended up looking like a big baby.

11. Joey’s Gynecologist

This woman only ever appeared this one time, but, seriously. What is up with her hair? It looks like she was sleeping on the desk before they started filming, and they didn’t have time to push her hair back to to the right side of the part.

10. Eddie

Eddie had that kind of hair that made you not want to touch him. It looked so greasy, but it was definitely gel, so it probably felt really crunchy and waxy. And, plus, since it was so gelled up all the time, when he got pissy and started snapping his neck at Joey (which was, like, all the time), and his hair started to go awry, it would do this:

Sexy.

9. Eve

This was another one of those haircuts I never got. Not only does she have the frosted hair/dark roots combo, but it’s that soccer mom sort of ‘do that’s real gelled tight against the sides of your head, but then it fans out in the back. And, in the wind, it looked like this:

And, when you got older and became a therapist for whiny babies, you’d just grow the ends out a little and end up like this:

8. Various Capeside Gays

There was this haircut that a lot of the gay guys on this show ended up with at one point or another. I like to call it The Gay Flip. Feel free to use that. It’s a tight, cropped hair cut, with some reverse bangs that are moused to infinity and stick straight up. Of course, Capeside’s Number One Worst-Straight-Actor’s-Portrayal-Of-A-Gay-Guy Jack McPhee had the look for a long time (with some wicked Elvis sideburns to boot). Then there was the creep Jack met on the internet and stood up.

Doll-eyed Dougie Whitter.

The guy that tried to hit on Jack at a gay bar and made Jack cry.

And, of course, Joey’s sexually harassing, but not sexually attacking boss at the docks.

Who was totally gay. Duh.

7. Andie

Andie was a huge fan of butterfly clips and bobby pins and pigtails. It’s probably because, while most of the actors (save Kerr Smith) were in their early twenties during the show, Meredith Monroe was in her thirties. So, they overkilled on cuteness to make her look younger.

And it usually just made her look older yet.

Or like an alien.

6. Joey

Joey’s biggest problem was her super dry, fried hair.

I feel you, girl, but there is such a thing as a leave-in. See, Joey spent a really long time looking like this:

Not bad. Just sort of average hair. And it worked. But, sometimes, she would bust out with these really high ponytails:

Or, these horrible beehive pinhead updos:

But, then, in college, she started dying her hair to match her skin, which was an alarming shade of orange.

And then, when they started letting her real color grow back in, they didn’t bother dying it to all match, so she ended up with a half-brown, half-orange combo.

But, look. Can we cut Joey a little bit of a break? Because, when Dawson came to her dorm room that one time when he was doing the movie with Todd (which, what kind of movie moves production from a soundstage in LA to a soundstage in BOSTON?) and he gave her a birthday present and she hugged him and he started to rub her back all sexy like (I’m sorry, I just threw up reading that about Dawson, too), and she realized what he was all about, this was her initial reaction:

Intense fear! But, wait. She slept with him anyway. Ew. And then was upset when it turned out that he had a girlfriend. Easy out, Joe! Ugh. I take it back. Her hair sucks.

5. Charlie

…never didn’t look like a scarecrow.

4. Capeside and Boston’s Underground Monster Population

What was the deal with that shaggy Frankenstein hair with the stringy, greasy pieces hanging down on the forehead? It seemed like everyone was sporting that look on DC. Gretchen’s ex-abortion-inducing-boyfriend was probably the most costume-y offender, but seriously. Pacey’s evil corporate boss?

Greasy piece. That jerk that Dawson made the movie with?

Greasy pieces. This guy who was trying to pick up Joey at a bar (who was not supposed to be 45, by the way)?

Greasy pieces on an angle! The ghost of the gay frat brother that Jack discovered in the closet?

So many greasy pieces! Josh Ford (!) as a would-be rapist?

Greasy curled pieces! That creepy stalker who knew Joey’s seat number in economics?

Greasy swooped pieces.
But, I mean, monsters weren’t confined to grease. Because this guy from some band that Audrey was talking to?

Had totally dry hair! But he’s still a monster! And there was also the guy (?) who tried to get Jen to go up to his (?) room at the frat party:

I don’t know what that is, honestly, but doesn’t he totally look like Amanda Bynes in She’s the Man? I think that’s a girl!

3. Jack

This was Jack in seriously every episode. The guy was always crying. It might be because of his hair. He had the gay flip consistently for about four seasons. But, everything changed in season five.

Because, when they went to college, he got a mullet. Seriously.

It’s a mullet. With bangs. Then he finally cut his hair, but he did this to it.

What is that?? And, plus, what was with the red dye? Joey’s hair was dyed red, Jack’s hair was dyed red, and Pacey even had a red hue to his hair by the end of that season.
By season six, thankfully, he had gone back to shorter, darker hair.

But, it still looked like that.
Wait. Let’s just check out the mullet one more time.

Moving on.

2. Dawson

Oh, look, Dawson. You’ve come in second place yet again. In a list about a show named for you. Boo hoo. Don’t give me that look.
Hi hair was even poofier in seasons one and two, but I can’t even watch those for making-fun-of value because they’re so boring. But, boy did he hold onto his mushroom cut in season three.

And his hair is only slicked back in this scene because, I swear to God, he was that sweaty.

By season four, he still hadn’t cut his hair. It was getting longer and greasier and stringier by the day.

And then there was the time he emerged from the water, and we all threw up simultaneously.

And, look, it even looked stupid when he was a kid. And, his aunt’s an awful artist. And!

Oh, hey, see? Hats. Hats would have done wonders on this show.

Eventually he cut his hair, in season five, but he still looked like this.

So, it didn’t help. And he even experimented with that weird fanning out thing that Jack was trying at one time.

And it didn’t work.

Stop crying. You’re not number one. Except on a list of top douchebags.

And the winner is…
1. Jen, by a mile

I mean, what was Jen’s worst hair choice? How do you choose? Was it the mom hair of season three?

The anti-establishment bizarro head cheerleader crimp job?

The old-lady-without-a-mirror homecoming updo?

The dry, matted down rat’s nest look?

The resurgence and SMOOTHING of the mom hair?

The greasy version of the rat’s nest?

The stringy, hasn’t been washed in a month look?

The cheap KMart wig? (Incidentally, that look that she has on her face after first noticing CJ? Should have been kept on her face forever, because dude was an asshole.)

The quasi-mullet (perhaps in memory of Jack’s mullet)?

Or, my personal favorite, the creepy blonde cosplay style wig? I mean, really? How does one choose? And, I mean, what was going on with this hair?

I don’t know either, Jack.