That would be the Dirty Dancing Concert. If you’ve never seen the concert, you have to watch it on the Collector’s Edition dvd. It’s from 1988 and they went all around the country with Eric Carmen and Merry Clayton and the Contours and Bill Medley and all those nasty dirty dancing dancers, and the audience is filled with huge hair and huge glasses and big button-down shirts tucked into high-waisted calf-length skirts, and it’s just awful.

Thankfully, they didn’t invite Zappacosta along, but you still have to hear that disgusting song Overload, performed by Merry Clayton who actually might make it worse than the original, if that’s possible.

The concert on the dvd was filmed in LA and no viewing of Dirty Dancing is complete for us anymore without watching the following awesome bits:

Eric Carmen getting his shoulder pads re-puffed before heading onstage to sing Make Me Lose Control. We don’t watch him sing Make Me Lose Control, because that song seems to go on for about three-and-a-half hours, but backstage, I mean, you’d swear this guy was one of the female backup singers. Look at him!

Look at his hair! Look at him! Look at the eye makeup! The shoulder pads! The shiny shiny tiger-print jacket! He’s also got total mom jeans and skinny little white suspenders. It’s too awesome for words. And he looks almost exactly like our old neighbor’s mom.

Then, Eric sings Almost Paradise with Merry Clayton.

Holy crap! Baby bump alert on Eric Carmen! That must be why he’s wearing a long jacket. But, anyway, the two of them are so gross, and I think they were watching the dirty dancers a little too intently ( I mean, Merry, when she’s singing Yes and the dancers come out, she keeps going, “Work it, children. Mmm. Work it.”) because they’re definitely kind of getting into each other.

See? I know, you’re thinking, “Oh, it’s just theatrics.” Except…

Doesn’t it seem like the following conversation just took place?
Merry: Come on, Eric. Work it with me. Come up to my hotel room later and work it.

Eric: Merry, baby, I’m bloated and tired. Maybe another time.

Merry: Please, Eric. Please. Dirty dance with me. You know you want to.

Eric: Wellllllllll, all right. I’ll stop by around 9:00.

Ew!!!!!!! I was right and I didn’t want to be!!!!!!

Okay, then there’s this part where the Contours are singing – which we usually skip through – where the original dirty dancers come out and teach people how to dirty dance. Nasty.

And she uses the Contours as her dance partners. It’s funny, ’cause when they grab onto each other at first, they both bounce off ’cause they both have big stomachs stuffed into tight clothes.

Ew. They’re doing the grind! On stage! It’s gross! And you know what makes the whole dirty dancing thing even less erotic? The fact that Bergstein said it was all about connecting and blah blah blah but the dirty dancers never look at each other! Probably ’cause in real life they were all creeped out, but they never seem to be looking at each other while they’re dancing and, especially this woman, instead all kind of look at the floor.

I mean, kids were in the audience! How are people watching this and not throwing up?

Well. They seem to be really enjoying themselves. So.

Then the best part is when Bill Medley sings (I’ve Had) The Time of My Life, and it’s the best part for, like, a million reasons, including the two backup singers who take the place of Jennifer Warnes and who both look like Larry and Balki’s girlfriends from Perfect Strangers; Bill Medley’s extra vocalizing during the song that sounds at different times like the words “dammit” and “bitchin’”; and this amazing part where he says, “I had the time of my life, and I owe it all to you,” to the audience, and then he points at something and goes, “Look at that!” And then he turns around and notices that he forgot his cue to exit the front of the stage because the extras are already coming at him doing their choreographed dance, and you hear this really high-pitched scream as he side-shuffles off the stage.

He’s in the leather jacket. He totally got scared.

And at the end of the song. Instead of singing “you” at the end of the line, “owe it all to you,” he goes…

“You”

“Hoo”

“Oooooooooh-ooooh”

You have to watch it. Dirty Dancing will never be the same.