Dirty Dancing is actually 20 years old as of yesterday, I think. A 20th anniversary! Of something that I was actually alive for! God, that’s weird.
Anyway, the more amazing thing to me about its 20th anniversary is that people actually cared enough to put it back in the theatres for a couple of days to mark the occassion, which seems like a little more money spent than need be. I mean, it’s already got two, count ‘em, TWO collector’s edition dvds. And that’s not a 2-disc set, that’s two separately released collector’s editions. I mean, what?
This isn’t to say that I don’t watch the movie (every couple of months ::ahem::). It’s just to say that, despite Eleanor Bergstein’s obsession towards the contrary, I am fully aware that it is among the worst movies ever made. Sally and I have pretty much the whole thing memorized ’cause we’ve seen it so many times, but there’s just something so gross about the whole experience. I mean, there are few things in life more unsatisfying than seeing physically unappealing people sweat all over each other. The entire movie has this sheen over it. And especially knowing that Eleanor Bergstein wrote this movie to not only reflect things that happened on one of her own summer vacations, but that she actually used to, at least up until the movie was being made (and possibly still!), dirty danced herself. Ew! I’m not adding more exclamation points because frankly I don’t think there are enough exclamation points in the world to equal my horror.

Anyway, better than just seeing the movie again for the umpteenth time in the theatre, I’ve prepared a bit of a list of the Top Twenty Grossest Dirty Dancing Moments.

20. That Stupid Guy With the Blue Socks

He’s right in the beginning of the movie, when they first arrive at Kellerman’s. If you listen to the unbelievably self-indulgent director’s commentary by Bergstein, she’d probably be droning on and on about how she tried to teach that guy how to dirty dance and ended up having sex with him in a bathroom or something. Not that she actually tells that exact story, but her other stories are so comparably gross that I wouldn’t be surprised.
Perriwinkle blue knee-socks? What? I don’t really know what it is about this guy that makes me hate him so much, but he’s just gross. Also noteworthy is a guy in that scene wearing a bathrobe and dancing. ‘Cause that’s not weird.

19. Neil’s Phantom Braces

I mean, Neil was kind of made to end up being that guy who stalks a girl until he kills her. He looks like a serial killer. But, what’s even weirder about him is the fact that he suffers from this phenomenon we like to call “phantom braces”. Jennifer Grey has them, too, and if you look closely, you’ll notice a lot more people in the world sporting them like nuTori Spelling.

It’s hard to explain. Basically, he looks, with his mouth closed, like he has braces. You know how when you have braces, your upper lip has to sort of retrain itself in this unbelievably embarassing way to fit over the top braces and your face just sort of looks … different? And then when you get them off, your face goes back to normal (thank God). Well, Neil looks like he has braces. His upper lip is weird, and the fact that it’s so weird that he almost never shows his upper teeth makes you really think that he’s hiding a metal mouth.

So, he’s not, but whatever.

18. Friggnish

The Collector’s Edition DVD (the first one, not the, I guess it was the Deluxe Edition or something) doesn’t have subtitles. Sally and I had been renting the movie/watching it on cable for a long time, and when we one day saw it in the bargain bin at Blockbuster and decided to pick it up, we were pretty damn excited. (Shut up.) But, then, as we’re watching, and the final scene comes on, Tito and Max have this conversation that suddenly (after all these years) sounds like this:

Tito: Lou Rossman. What’s hap a bidow?

Max: Friggnish.

Sally and I looked at each other and both said, “Wait, what are they saying?” I mean, was this scene added to this dvd or are we just crazy? We don’t remember ever not understanding dialogue from the movie. We listened to it over and over, we asked our parents what they thought they were saying, we looked online for a copy of the screenplay, we even contemplated asking the employees at Hollywood Video to stick in a copy of Dirty Dancing and skipping to that scene so we could read the new dvd’s subtitles.

Why is it gross? Because we became obsessed. We are the gross part of this gross thing, because we couldn’t stop thinking about it and would occassionally be sitting in the same room, doing something totally unrelated to Dirty Dancing, and look at each other and say, “God, WHAT are they SAYING in that part??” Eventually we found a transcription of the script online that marked that bit of dialogue solely as “Yiddish.” Yeah, I guess.

17. Skittering

Speaking of Tito and Max. Their tap dance in the beginning of the movie? This still picture approximates how much they were moving. How the people on the floor dancing even knew to look up at them at all, much less clap at how great their tiny baby shuffle was, I don’t know.

It’s kind of like a nightmare. One of those ones where everyone is laughing at the same thing and you have no idea why.

16. Holy Crap, She Looks Bad

What movie am I thinking of where a guy calls another guy a “sweat stain?”
And, p.s., not that I’m a dancer, but Johnny’s little freak out when he yells that she’s trying to kill him by … I don’t even know, not holding onto his back? Seems a little overdramatic to me. I mean, maybe he shouldn’t have jerked back so violently. Duh.

15. The Practice Montage

Obviously the best part of any dance movie (or sports-themed movie), and it’s not like you all don’t remember this thing perfectly yourselves, but we always loved how Johnny looked like he was about to beat her up the whole time. And how he goes, “Don’t put your heel down. Don’t put your HEEL down!”

And of course the fact that his version of the sound of a heartbeat sounds like “goo-gong.”

But, this…

This is definitely not a normal part of a practice montage. Because it’s clearly some kind of creepy Johnny Castle sexual fantasy come to life. Why is HE sweaty? He’s not even dancing! Ew!

Oh, yeah. A red leotard and a chunky gold belt? In the sixties? Probably not.

14. The Dance at the Sheldrake

A)

Johnny Castle is such an “I’m about to kill you” perv! So gross. And b)

Baby totally looks like Gloria Estefan, doesn’t she?

13. I did it for NOTHING!

Definitely the best tantrum of the whole movie, even though there are tons to choose from. Besides the stomping around like a man and spinning uncontrollably in her little ballet flats and looking totally embarrassingly gross, Johnny totally looks like he’s so over it.

12. Jersey Girl

That big giant mushroom shaped thing on the left-side of the car is Jennifer Grey’s HAIR! I mean, we’ve got some big hair when it’s humid, but that is insane. This is why I own hats. And lots of hair ties.

11. Pachanga Pachanga

I know you’re supposed to feel bad for Johnny because Neil is such an ass for shutting him down. But, Johnny makes such a fool of himself leaping around that it’s hard to be sympathetic. This whole movie is so embarrassing. And Baby’s gotta stand there? I mean, even if she wasn’t dirty dancing with him in private, and she was just a regular guest getting dance lessons, how awkward and embarrassing would this little argument be for her!

We love the fact that the word “pachanga” is said three times in this scene and they say it a little differently each time.

10. The Dirtiest Dirty Dancers

First of all – the outfit? The hair? 80s! But, anyway, the other dirty dancers are so puke-worthy. I mean, this one’s terrible because she, at that moment, is doing this obnoxious scream, where she’s screaming but she’s still dancing, and her BRA STRAP is hanging off her shoulder, like, isn’t that annoying her? Anyway. I can’t stand her.

This one’s a million times worse, though. Ew! Who would want to dance with her AT ALL let alone grind up against her. She’s so gross!

9. Baby’s Intro to Dirty Dancing

Gross for a million gross reasons that kind of make you go take a long shower after watching it. Here’s a couple.

He’s also unBELIEVABLY sweaty right there. There’s no way to capture the amount of sweat flying off of his mullet at this moment, but just try not to think too hard about it, because you’ll probably throw up. I think E.Bergstein really likes sweat. She must think it’s really sexy.

Then, of course, there’s the fact that Johnny proceeds to grind up against three seperate people while walking past. And while looking kind of evil and menacing.

Oh, God, and the teaching her how to dirty dance scene? It’s one of those things that just makes your face scrunch up into a horrified cringe even if you’ve seen it a million times. It’s also fun to recreate it for my sister and listen to her squeal in horror and tell me to stop. And then for her to go, “Okay, do it again.” Repeat, repeat, repeat.

And in another of a million grossly embarrassing moments: When Johnny leaves Baby on the dance floor to spin around and stick her butt out in this awkward clapping movement and then to finally realize that she is all alone out there. He just walks away! It’s so awful that she keeps dancing and clapping by herself.

8. Berg Makes Her Appearance

Eleanor Bergstein is insane. This is her on the right, dancing with Johnny in the scene where they find Baby crying in the kitchen. The scene is, like, three seconds long, and in the director’s commentary she tells this whole ego-stroking story about how the scene was much longer and the editor called her up one night in a panic about how he needs to cut her “beautiful” dance sequence down and she’s all, “Oh, what do I care? Haha ha ha,” because you’re supposed to believe that she doesn’t think a movie without her giant head in it would do as well. And apparantly, according to her, people seeing the movie kept wondering who that lovely woman dancing with Patrick Swayze was. Bullshit, lady! “Who’s that hag?” is more like it. “Who’s that troll dancing with Patrick Swayze?” She thinks she’s so hot, and what’s worse! Is that she thinks she’s actually sexy! It’s disgusting! And I hate when she says “erotic.”

7. Speaking of erotic…

I find the idea of slow dancing when you’re by yourselves to be total cheese. And I’m not talking about joking around, slow dancing for a second in the kitchen type thing. I’m talking, you’re on a date, you go back to the guy’s place for “coffee” or whatever you want to tell yourself, he puts on some smooth jazz (like “My Funny Valentine” as sung by Constantine Maroulis or something) and then he says, “Care to dance?” It’s embarrassing! The fact that Baby rushes over to Johnny’s creepy serial killer cabin in the woods and tells him to dance with her is so gross. I mean, they’re putting on a show for an audience that doesn’t exist. I know a lot of people don’t think that this is weird at all, but I put it in the same category as the phrase “make love”. Okay, I’m grossing myself out.

And meanwhile, it always looked like it was really hot in that cabin. Like, too hot. What was with the blacked out windows?

Anyway, I didn’t do any screen caps, because I do want you guys to come back to our website, so here’s Jerry Orbach in that scene where he doesn’t have any dialogue, and just makes this face through Baby’s whole 45 minute speech about how he shouldn’t shut her out because she’s wearing makeup and facilitating abortions and having sex with guys who may or may not have gotten other girls pregnant. Because he’s awesome and will get the bad thoughts about that one little naked glimpse of Patrick Swayze out of your mind.

6. Johnny & Robbie’s Fight

They totally look like they’re slap fighting, don’t they? And I love that Johnny’s hair looks even bigger than normal (not to mention his big bubble butt).

Anyway, this is, like, the sissiest non-sissy fight ever (meaning, they’re actually punching and kicking and not just slapping at each other, but they might as well be). And Johnny’s mullet is really flinging the sweat around. I do love that Penny watches the fight with real concern on her face, and when it’s over, she just kind of rolls her eyes and goes back in the cabin, all, “Johnny, you’re such a jackass.”

5. The Final Dance of the Season

It’s mostly Johnny’s “mambo mixed with a Cuban rhythm” that’s gross about this dance, because the main part of the dance is just the one that they did at the Sheldrake.

Especially at the point when the nasty dirty dancing extras start following him back up to the stage. That’s not something you want to see coming towards you. Especially (EW!) that one on the right.

And just as an aside, my friend’s mother used to get so pissed at this part, beause she didn’t like that Baby didn’t have any dance moves and just stood there shaking her skirt. I just think that’s funny that she would get irrationally upset about it because I don’t know anything about getting annoyed at movies and then talking about them.

Meanwhile, the sound track has a clap-along going on, but you can clearly see that no audience member is clapping.

Oh, and! Why is Tito conducting a band??? Billy puts on a record of a song that no one had ever heard before (’cause Billy traveled forward in time to get it, duh), and the band is actually playing instruments! Why??

4. That Guy

I call him “that guy” because he doesn’t have a name, and I don’t really remember him from any other part of the movie. But, I just noticed him the last time I watched it FREAKING OUT when Baby does the lift. I guess he’s one of the dirty dancers (?) but why is he SO excited?

And I love that he’s dancing at these two unsuspecting women here. I mean, dancing at them, pelvic thrusts and all, with arm movements that I couldn’t quite capture, and this gross “let’s dirty dance” look on his face, and neither of the women is looking at him at all! Stalker!

3. Dirty Dancing Noobs

Don’t you hate that word? “Noobs.” It seemed fittingly gross to use. Not that Penny’s new to Dirty Dancing, but I find it kind of funny that the two total skeletors of the movie found each other to share a dance in the end. Anyway, they’re not gross, but these other two couples are.

Okay, am I the only one disturbed by the two little children dirty dancing here? They’re, like, 10 years old and they’re grinding and sliding down each other and it’s really wrong and awful.

And that guy with the moustache? Well, he’s not so much gross as he is hilarious because he looks like he’s really sick. Like, he’s trying to pull through ’cause it’s not every day that you get to be an extra in a movie, and he was probably just on vacation and decided to sign up for it, but then he ate some bad shrimp or something from the craft service table and he started to feel really quesy around the time they told him to get to the set, and he had whispered in that poor woman’s ear to try to hold him up and she was all, “I can barely hold myself up with this giant coat, and don’t you dare throw up on my new white pumps!” and then he felt even sicker because he got guilty and she kept spinning him around. Awesome.

2. Pickle Boy

I’m including this for two reasons. Number one, Johnny is so non-threatening and even though you know Robbie is a jerk who got Penny pregnant and told Baby that people didn’t matter and wouldn’t give her money for an abortion and screwed over Lisa by not screwing her at all and slept with that old rat woman hag that was hanging all over Johnny, when Johnny tries to insult him, it just doesn’t work. Even though you want it to, you’re kind of left feeling sort of … like you don’t know who to root for. It’s like on Dance Life (which was so awesome, p.s.) when Nolan kept getting the short end of the stick, and you really wanted him to succeed ’cause he was on DRUGS and he got better and he just wanted to dance, and he came out to his father, and his father kind of didn’t like it (but then he ended up coming to New York to see him dance with J-Lo and he had to wade through literally thousands of gay men, but he was happy to be there), and that jerk Blake kept telling everyone that Nolan was a bad dancer, and he went to the shop Nolan worked in with some dumb friend of his who was wearing a TERRY cloth ROMPER, like, no lie! and they made fun of him and didn’t refold the jeans they looked at, and finally Nolan reached the breaking point (I almost just wrote “blaking” point, haha) and told Blake he was a bitch, and everyone in the world was like, “YAY NOLAN!!!!” But, then when Blake came back all fake smiling and totally acting like a bitch, and said, “Excuse me?” Nolan was like, “I said you’re a bitch!” And again, everyone was like, “YAY NOLAN!!!” But, then Blake was like, “Don’t be mad at me for things going on in your own life, just ’cause I book more jobs than you.” And THAT’S where Nolan totally backed down and almost instantly looked defeated and didn’t get in any good insults or arguments or even another well-timed, “You’re a bitch,” before Blake did that frustrating fight-breaker, “Take care, good luck,” thing and left to go help Jersey buy a new car. And then everyone in the world was like, “Yay … Blake? I’m so conflicted and confused!”

What? Oh, yeah. Dirty Dancing. Anyway, this scence is like that because Johnny’s insult (“Just put your pickle on everyone’s plate, college boy, and leave the hard stuff to me.”) doesn’t even really make sense at all and you kind of can’t be all “YAY JOHNNY!” or even “Yay, Johnny,” because you’re too, like, “Huh?” And I think he knows it because then he knocks the napkins off the table in this fourth-grade insult punctuation kind of way, and then you’re like, “Well, all Robbie really said was, ‘You got that?’ I mean, you might have taken it too far, Johnny.”

Meanwhile, Sally’s hilariously bad at remembering dialogue from movies and once quoted that line as, “Just put your pickle on your own plate, Pickle Boy.” Which is the best insult ever.

1. This is Gonna Need Its Own Entry