This is where it all started:

Tapered. It’s bad on pants. It’s worse on a dress. And we’re not talking slinky, hug-your-curves, fitted dresses. I’m talking a sack dress that inexplicably suddenly cuts in below the knee and turns an otherwise dowdy and shapeless dress into a giant ass mess.

The interviews on the new Pretty in Pink dvd would have you believe that there’s nothing wrong with that prom dress, considering no one mentioned it AT ALL. But, I assure you. There was something wrong with it.
Exhibit A:

You might think that Blaine was shocked seeing Andie walk into the prom AT ALL, given the fact that he pretended that he was going with someone else to get out of the fact that he had invited a loser to the prom and his “god damn rich friends [didn't] approve”. (P.S. Why did he even go to the prom? He was all alone. What a loser.) Or you might think that Blaine couldn’t believe Andie had walked in with Duckie of all people.
But, no.
Blaine was shocked. The thought in his head at that moment? “What the hell has she got on?”

Exhibit B:

I LOVE Steph’s face. For the most part in that short 10-second reaction shot, he just looks kind of bewildered, like he can’t believe simply that she showed up. But, for a SPLIT SECOND, he looks disgusted. He kind of flares his nostrils even more, makes his eyes even wider, and just slightly furrows his brow. It’s subtle. But, it’s the point where you can imagine Steph’s “Where is Blaine? I have to check out what his reaction is to his ex coming to the prom with the guy that tried to beat me up the other day,” reaction was pushed aside by James Spader’s “What the HELL has she got ON?” reaction. I mean, he recovered quickly. But you can see it. And it’s awesome.

Seriously. What were they thinking, putting her in that dress? Not that the other puffy weird nightmares at that prom (and any prom or fancy event in the 80s) weren’t heinous in their own way. But this, which was trying so hard to stand out, was just heinous to the n-th degree. I mean, stand out by going retro – wear Iona’s cute ass dress intact. Or wear, like, pants. Or … a nude bodysuit. How… I can’t even… Anyway, seriously.

The point of me even bringing this up today (come on, you all know about the horrors of that dress) is that Sally and I have been saying for years that the biggest impossibility of that dress was how Molly Ringwald even got it on. I mean, it somehow attached at the neck, but there never seemed to be any kind of zipper or snap or anything, leading us to believe that she was literally sewn into that dress (again, an issue never discussed on the dvd, but then again … Molly Ringwald was kind of a Class A Bitch in her interviews and thought she was the hottest thing around, so I doubt she’d mention anything like the indignity of being sewn into a shiny pink potato sack).
So, I investigated.

Okay, here we go.
From the front…

…there’s no evidence of any way of getting in and out of the dress. The lace is clearly glued or sewn on (not very nicely, but that’s beside the point), and even if it wasn’t, that wouldn’t necessarily explain how the collar came on and off. Her face kind of says it all right there, huh?
Then, from the left side…

…no seam. (She looks like she’s about to suck Duckie’s blood there.) There’s no clear shot of the back where she wasn’t moving, but you can very easily see the inside of the back of the collar in most of the shots and there’s no seam there, either.

But, then, I got a shot of the right side (there was just one scene where you could see that side)…

…and I saw a seam. And I thought, “There it is. Our whole theory is over.” Because I figured, that must be where the closure is.
But, then I got a closer look.

And I realized something. There’s no way. There’s no way that there could be any closure there, because what you’re seeing is a SEAM. You can’t see a zipper at all, so there goes that theory. It’s also clearly not open at all, so there’s no hook closure. And this is NOT two pieces of fabric overlapping. There’s no way that a snap or even velcro could be under there, because there’s no under. It’s a seam. SHE WAS SEWN IN!
How weird is that? And I don’t want to hear any, “Well, how weird is it that you’re obsessing over this and writing blog entries about it?” Just shush. And look at how weird the entire movie Pretty in Pink is now that you know that not only was her dress ugly, but it was impractical. What happened when she (clearly) went home with Blaine later that night? Did they just cut her out of it? Wouldn’t that seem dangerous to have scissors right up against her neck? Did they rip the lace off and just let the dress fall off, but leave the collar on? Like she was a lady Chippendale’s dancer? I mean, think about.

God, that dress was hideous though. Look at it full length:

Horrible. It’s just SO shapeless.
And it was totally see-through! Check it out!

What a skank!

And look at it in motion!

Aaaaah! Horrible! She was also running in this weird three-quarter stance sort of way, because of the whole taperedness and not being able to move her legs too far apart. Plus, bras were invented for a reason. Especially when wearing shiney sack dresses.

You know who even looked better than Molly Ringwald in that dress? This person:

And I don’t mean Buffy. Well, I mean, she does look better than Molly Ringwald, despite the upholstery fabric used to make her mother-of-the-bride dress.
I mean that beast woman dancing by herself and checking her face out in a compact next to her. Compared to the above… She is rockin’ her giant hair, and her weird purple monster rosettes sleeve, and her tight sausage casing gloves, and even her compact. She looks like some kind of lioness, or a transvestite doing her best Nancy Wilson impression. Either way. Purple monster over pink sack any day. Besides, she didn’t even need a man. Just a mirror. Classy.