No, this isn’t about the movie Candy Stripers, which Sally and I just saw at the movie store the other night. (Which, I just realized, stars Playboy Bunnies. Well, that makes sense.)
See, Sally and I got to talking about hospital uniforms tonight (based on the three-second snippet of Scrubs that was on the tv after we turned off the vcr). I used to volunteer at the hospital around the corner from our house, in the day care center. I was 15. It actually was a lot of fun, and it seems like the last thing that I actually would have done and followed through on (I’m lazy, you know), but I enjoyed it. And I really liked the fact that I got to work in the day care center and not in the actual hospital, because I don’t think I could’ve handled dealing with patients. Plus, as a junior volunteer, you don’t really talk to them. You just, like, take their empty trays away when they’re done eating. And if there’s one thing I can’t stand (one thing, right?), it’s other people eating. And worse, what’s left on their plates when they’re done. Gross.
Anyway. So, I worked in the day care center for a while … 5 or 6 months maybe. And I had to wear a candy striper uniform. Because I was a candy striper, you know. But, see, don’t ever let anyone fool you into thinking that candy striper uniforms are flattering. They’re not cute little fitted dresses that you can wear a cute little white shirt under with some cute little sneakers. Oh, no. My candy striper uniform was made out of this thin, nasty polyester which somehow managed to be so stiff that it stuck out about ten inches from my legs. And the pinafore’s buttons started higher than my natural waist, so this gigantor skirt made me look like my hips were about 80″ wide. Plus, I had to wear a regulated white button down blouse. And thank GOD I didn’t work in the hospital, because I wouldn’t have been able to wear sneakers. I would’ve had to find some kind of white-soled uniform shoes. I mean, I was 15. I could not have been more mortified to be seen in public in this thing. The boys’ uniforms were bad, too (these stiff powder-blue collarless jackets), but they got to wear pants. I mean, it wasn’t, like, almost the 21st century or anything. Can’t let anybody know that girls wear pants now, right? So lame.
Anyway, so I was trying to remember the uniforms for the adult volunteers, and I went on the hospital’s website. There’s a picture of a junior volunteer … wearing khaki pants and a POLO SHIRT! What the hell? No way. If you’re volunteering, you should not only be giving of your time, but of your very pride in your appearance. I don’t think they should’ve changed the uniforms. It just makes the experience. It makes the fact that you volunteered THAT MUCH more of a sacrifice.

Oh, speaking of big hips. Sally and I were watching the Full House episode where DJ starts junior high, and it’s this big joke because she’s wearing this outfit that happens to match one that a much-hated lunchroom monitor/teacher is wearing, and then all the kids laugh at her, and she locks herself in a phone booth and calls that number where it tells you what time it is and she pretends she’s talking to a friend the whole time. Which, she’s obviously not, because she makes this big show of going, “Hi! How are you?” and then closes the doors, but then she just stands there with this sour look on her face, obviously not speaking anymore. Everyone was laughing at her! You know they could see her in that booth and they could tell she was totally faking it. DJ is such a loser. Oh, anyway, but her outfit was this beige-y oversized shirt and a patterned vest, and this pair of giant clown pants. They matched the shirt, and they were real cinched at the waist and then EXPLODED out in this 10-yard mess of fabric that was all gathered at the tightly tapered ankles. And big giant white sneakers. It was awesome. But, she didn’t really learn her lesson all that much after she put on a bunch of makeup (which made her look like a “baby hooker”, according to Sal) and this cha-cha dress (which we want to know where it came from anyway) and a pair of cowboy boots and was made to go back upstairs and change by Danny, and then got makeup tips from Rebecca on how to look a little bit more subtle. She ended up going to school the next day in a neon green short and tee shirt set with a big orange jacket over it.
I mean, no wonder she became anorexic that one time. They were always putting her in these HUGE oversized shirts to make her look fatter than she was. She was one of those chubby-but-not-chubby girls, which is pretty common at 12. She had a round face and she was a little thick, but she wasn’t really fat at all. Or even chubby. If they hadn’t used so many flowing fabrics on her, she probably wouldn’t have developed an eating disorder! For that one day! I’m just sayin’.
That episode’s awesome. Especially when you can fast forward through the whole “Joey teaches Jesse golf” scenes.
Don’t judge us for having episodes of Full House on tape.
Because we only have a couple.