The Lost Boys. Is a terrible movie. It really really blows, and it’s kind of funny, because it’s considered by a lot of people to be really clever. But, it sucks. Which is why it’s no surprise that Sally and I own a copy.
And it’s not like it’s any surprise to anyone that the fashion would be really bad (it was the 80s, after all), but this is a different kind of bad fashion from other 80s movies. See, Molly Ringwald had this awful salmon-colored hospital smock thing over a brown skirt and boots on in The Breakfast Club. And of course, there was Bender’s fifteen layers, and that bandana he tied around his leg. But, that seems like something you would’ve walked into a classroom in 1985 and actually seen people wearing. And, you obviously can’t forget Andie’s just completely heinous prom dress in Pretty in Pink, but that was less about the fact that it was the 80s than it was about the fact that Andie clearly wasn’t a good fashion designer. If you check out the other prom dresses at that prom, with the poofy sleeves, and the miles and miles of emerald green satin, you’ll get a better idea of an 80s prom dress. I had a Barbie paper doll book that my mom got me in probably 1988 and it had Barbie and Ken getting ready for the prom. It was awesome. One of the dresses was like a mermaid costume, but it was a dress! And Ken had two tuxedos – a black one and a white one. And even then, I would not put him in a white tuxedo, because I knew it was cheesy. But, I loved the prom dresses. They were poofy and insane, but … it was 1988. Even when you’re six, you know what cool people wear. And cool people wore poofy prom dresses.
But, see, The Lost Boys wardrobe department was just a whole different kind of awful. And because I just know that there are people out there who are crying foul and angrily shaking their fists at me, all, “The Lost Boys is the best movie EVER and I’ve derived ALL of my fashion sense from Corey Haim!”, I’ve put together a list. Because We Like Lists (Inc.).

Now, there are a few exemptions. Michael and Sam’s mother, for example. I mean, she did wear a whole bunch of shapeless, floor-length sack dress type deals, but it wasn’t so over-the-top that it would be considered worse than the worst.
Also exempt is Michael. I mean, he pretty much wore a grey t-shirt and a pair of jeans (un-embellished, un-ripped, and only slightly unflattering in their totally taperedness) for the whole movie. Even passable by today’s standards. Of course, there were the constantly crooked and slightly feminine sunglasses:

He could’ve had cooler glasses, is all I’m sayin’.

Then there are the Frog brothers. I mean, they had kind of cheesy military-combat-esque gear and utilized a little too much of the jumpsuit for my taste. And then there was Corey Feldman’s headband…

But, all in all … not as bad is it could be.

And then, surprisingly, David is exempt. You know David. Keifer Sutherland’s “is he the head vampire or isn’t he?” character. I mean, he looked ridiculous, but he was the most subdued of all of his vampire clan (who, when standing together, kind of resembled Color Me Badd). He wore a really long black coat that didn’t have too much craziness to it. And he had those black gloves on all the time (which I just found out were apparantly worn because Keifer Sutherland broke his arm playing with his motorcycle – duh – and had to wear them to hide his cast). It was all black. He had a style. It was classy – for the Lost Boys, anyway.
Well, he didn’t always look normal…

He looks just exactly like Donald Sutherland there. It’s kind of funny.

Anyway, so onto the list.

10. The Guy From the Boardwalk

I mean, the hood is weird and all, but the real reason I included this is because it could possibly be where David Cross got his styling tips from. And that would be sad. See?
Moving on.

9. Laddie, Now That He’s a Half-Vampire

Sally pointed out that he had on a sweater in the photo of him on the milk carton, but now he’s suddenly wearing this weird, hideous, military style jacket. But, where did the vampires find this crap for him? It’s bad enough that they have awful tattered clothes for themselves, but where did they find a CHILD-SIZED jacket for him? Couldn’t he have just worn the sweater?

8. Star

I hate Star. I hate her. And I wasn’t going to include her, because her outfits aren’t actually that bad. But, check out that fringe! What the hell?

7. The Guy At the Comic Book Store Riot

Nice sarape.

6. Rob Lowe

Not that he was in Lost Boys, but Corey Haim did (inexplicably) have a poster of him on his closet door. And forgetting, for a moment, the fact that this poster is even in a (supposedly) straight teenage boy’s room, just look at his outfit! The half shirt? The all-in-white thing? It’s awful.

5. Paul

Paul may not have been the worst-dressed vampire, but he did have the worst hair. We’ve been having problems with shampoo lately (we just can’t seem to find a good one – got any suggestions?), so we know the feeling of dry, frizzy hair. But, you know what? If our hair is out of control, we put it up. We don’t go around town looking like Eric Carmen.

4. Marco

See, now, Marco. Marco is the worst-dressed vampire. The dirty half shirt, the patchwork jacket… I seem to remember him having some fringe on his pants, as well. No wonder he got killed first.

3. Guy From the Concert

If his wardrobe was only grease and a saxaphone and his own sheer grossness, he probably would’ve been, like, number 8. But, it also looks like he painted his legs purple and then put on a black speedo and a belt. But, those are pants. Skin-tight purple pants. So, he’s number 3. And besides. Only Rob Lowe should be playing the saxaphone.

2. Sam

There’s just so much that’s awful about Sam’s wardrobe. If you scroll back up to Rob Lowe, you’ll notice a very colorful nightshirt. Yes, a nightshirt. Then, there’s the multi-colored robe.

And the fact that he wrapped a sweatshirt around himself, accentuating the fact that he had a little tiny doll waist.

And the stick figure shirt that looks like something I got from my Aunt Nettie when I was about seven. Because I? Was a girl.

And of course, who could forget the duster? The stripes, the muted colors, the popped collar, the pockets, the rolled up sleeves? There is just nothing even remotely okay about this duster, and he wore it to a concert and to walk around the boardwalk. And, in one frightengly bizarre sequence that I couldn’t quite capture for proof, as he’s running through a crowd of people, HOLDING HANDS with Michael. Almost as weird as the time I noticed Alan Grey and Logan Bruno holding hands while they ran out of the school in The Baby-Sitters Remember. But that’s another story for another day.
Sam’s entire wardrobe was definitely the worst, taken as a collection. But there was one outfit that topped even all of his.

1. Max

I mean, God! What? I mean, the shoulder pads alone! Edward Hermann has GINORMOUS shoulders that just shouldn’t be accentuated. And the fuschia shirt! And the fact that there are patches of the lining fabric from the jacket coming out to the front! And the CLEAR GLASSES! They’re awful. (You hearing me, Angela from Project Runway? A green tint doesn’t make them any less terrible.) And look!

It’s cinched in the back! Which I realize was a style, but it doesn’t make this any less forgiveable. And the big huge giant sleeves that start way down by his waist! I mean, just because he wore clothes that made him look a little touched, did anyone really believe that he wasn’t the head vampire? Plus, he totally didn’t look scary when he vamped out.

He looked like he was trying not to laugh.

The clothes. They just make the whole movie. Oh, hey, did anyone else notice that when Max and the mother were eating dinner he was wearing a Cosby sweater and then when he showed up at the house to let everyone in on his evil vampire family plan, he had changed into a suit?

See? It was the same night. I don’t get it.

Oh, and also? I have brothers. This?

Doesn’t happen.

Love.