It’s not like this is a different day from the last post, since I’m writing these at the same time. But, it’ll look like we have more posts, huh? I’m so sneaky.
So, the next movie that we watched was just as bad as Poison Ivy 2, but it was bad on the opposite end of the spectrum. There was a plot, which PI2 didn’t have, but it was predictable to the point of insanity. PI2 at least was so ridiculous that you couldn’t figure out what the hell was going to happen next.
#2. Tuesday Night. The Colony
John Ritter is married and has two kids and he lives in LA and he developed this security system that is super sophisticated (for 1995) and his friend and boss gets him a meeting with the owner of this gated community (called The Colony) to install the system in his homes. The meeting goes well and he’s very excited about it and takes his wife to dinner, and they park for no reason on this deserted street outside of a Starbucks and talk about whatever. And then they get carjacked, and when the carjackers drive away, they lay on the street for a real long time. But, it’s a dark street! They could’ve been run over.
They weren’t.
So, they think about moving out of LA to this suburb where John Ritter’s lumpy faced brother-who’s-a-cop lives, which also happens to the be the town of residence of this big gated community. Hal Linden, the man who runs The Colony, decides that J.Ritter has had enough of LA life and wants him to not only install the security systems, but move into one of the houses in this fancy mortgage switching venture that will enable the modestly-incomed Ritter family to afford a giant ugly house in the development. So he’s all excited and he tells his wife and kids by driving them to the house and saying, “We’re gonna live here!” and no one seems to find it creepy that, while they’re wandering around the empty house checking it over, Hal Linden comes out of the shadows of the second floor to say that he’s already installed high tech computer-related stuff in the bedroom for the teenage daughter (who loves computers SO MUCH that she took a two-week grounding rather than have her computer taken away for a week – Sally says I would’ve done the same thing, and Sally is right). Lurker!
Then he tells his mother and brother (who’s been on an episode of every show ever: Family Ties, Fame, Who’s the Boss?, The Golden Girls, Matlock, Full House, Seinfeld, The X-Files, 24, JAG, Star Trek Voyager, CSI… no wonder he looked familiar), who pull the old “I’m happy for you… No, really, I am!” *shifty eyed looks at each other* “As long as you’re happy!” routine.
So they move in, and there’s this giant rule book and J.Ritter is in violation of a million codes the first morning (including inappropriate jogging gear). Then the mother brings the kids to the Colony’s on-site school where June Lockhart lets her know that there is NO parent involvement whatsoever, and the school even goes so far as to lock the doors while school is in session. But, it’s June Lockhart! CELIA MARTIN! Donna Martin’s grandmother who knows that David and Donna belonged together, no matter what Ray or Noah or Joe or the firefighter or the guy who was in the fraternity or the guy who did her website OR the guy who she wanted to be her fit model said about it. She couldn’t be that bad, right?
So, in the span of about a week, here’s what happens with this family: their young son turns into this creepy Hitler youth, he pushes his former best friend into a pool, J.Ritter finds out that they put hidden cameras in the sprinkler systems, the brother informs them that the previous tenents of the house died in a fiery SUSPICIOUS car crash, their neighbor “commits suicide” after flipping out one night and trying to paint his house a different color, Hal Linden tries to convince J.Ritter to stop inviting his brother to the Colony, the daughter finds a mysterious cd that was hidden in the garage, the daughter tries to upgrade cables and is immediately caught and told to stop by the evil head of security, J.Ritter keeps coming up against violations for everything he does, he notices that his plans for the security systems have been changed to include hookups for cameras, he and his wife discover that there is a rule against any public displays of affection including in your house if your neighbors can see you, their dog is kidnapped and given surgery to stop him from barking, a fern they planted is ripped out of the ground, the mother sneaks into the school to find propoganda-like assignments that are turning the son into a snob, the daughter finds out that the disc she found includes a program connected to every hidden camera in every room or every house, their neighbors make fun of their friends, their son is taken from school for “ice cream” by the evil head of security, and Hal Linden gives them a housewarming gift of a sharp mirrored sculpture that they find inappropriate to have in their house with children around.
And during all of this, they’re not oblivious. They know it’s creepy and not for them and they know that they hate it there. AND, the find out that they have no equity because the crazy mortgage-switching scheme was more like a crazy soul-switching scheme and now the family is basically ass-broke and paying rent for the house, which they thought they owned. But, they keep just sighing and going, “Well. This is what we wanted, right?”
How about MOVING OUT?
Anyway, lumpy brother finds out that the recent deaths were definitely performed by the head of security, who juices up a fence to electrocute him when he tries to get into the Colony. He also has this spray can that causes people to pass out and he uses it on the entire family when he discovers that they have the disc that could get the Colony SHUT DOWN. J.Ritter battles EvilHeadofSecurity and Hal Linden, and then knocks EHoS over the balcony onto the sharp sculpture below, killing him. Hal Linden runs out the door straight into a barrage of bullets from his OWN security team who thought he was an intruder.
And then, the next thing you know, the whole family is gathered for a barbecue (with some seriously burned burgers) at this house that the mother had looked at before they moved into the Colony. Like, how is this house still on the market? But, there’s no word on whether the son stopped being a Hitler youth. He’s not even in the last scene.

I don’t even have a good way to conclude this entry, because the movie was that bad.

Love.