March? That was what, three days ago? We’ve been very busy here at Peep central (truthfully busy, actually) and this blog just kept slipping past our blistery little fingers without a chance at being updated. But, we’re back! Back with a vengeance and with not too much interesting to say.
HOWEVER. Sally and I did happen to watch the three worst movies in a row ever the past few nights. And I will be happy to, for lack of a better blog topic, tell you about them now!
#1. Monday. Poison Ivy 2: Lily
I’ve seen Poison Ivy one too many times – pushing me over that “It’s so stupid, I can’t help watching it” level to the creepy “I’m only watching it for the sex scenes” level. But, I PROMISE you that it’s just one of those movies that’s always on HBO and, like many before it (Center Stage, anyone?), I just couldn’t not keep it on. I mean, I don’t know how anyone could watch that movie for the sex scenes anyway, because the idea of Tom Skerritt doing anything with anyone ever is enough to turn my stomach. Okay, I need a minute to erase that one scene after the party from my mind…
Anyway, so I’ve seen the original Poison Ivy a bunch of times, so I have a grasp of the story, and I could have sworn that Ivy died in the end, right? She was in that window where the mother’s room was and she ended up falling out of it onto the driveway below? Well, anyway, in Poison Ivy 2, Alyssa Milano (the name of the actress, but also the name of a phase Sally was in from between 12 and 15 years old – the Alyssa Milano phase had a lot of poofy hair and baggy cuffed pants and a blazer) is this girl from Wisconsin or something who goes to LA to go to art school and experiences all kinds of whatever while she’s there. She moves into this house and meets Jonathan Schaech who kinda digs her but she’s all “I’m from Wisconsin and I’m naive and nervous” and runs away. And then she finds these diaries and clothes and self portraits in her room that belonged to a girl named Ivy. And despite the fact that the naked chick playing Ivy in these 5-second naked-girl-dancing-around sequences is NOT played by Drew Barrymore, I think it was supposed to be Drew Barrymore’s Ivy. But, how could it be? Didn’t she die??
Anyway, she starts reading these diaries and then she totally DOES IT with Jonathan Schaech out in this big sculpture that he’s in the middle of creating out in the yard, but that already has a big bed and candles inside of it. Like, okay. And then there’s this super pervy art professor who doesn’t paint anymore, but she’s all, “I’ll pose naked for you if you start painting again,” and he does. And she’s still sorta with J.Schaech, who’s getting way attached to her even though she’s in her Ivy trance and keeps being all evasive and domineering and weird with him. And then she goes to pose for the professor again, who’s an AWFUL artist, I mean the painting looks NOTHING like Alyssa Milano! But, then she goes to leave his studio and he instantly gets real sweaty and doesn’t want her to leave and there’s a HORRIFYING near-sex scene that ends in someone ringing the doorbell and A.M. saying she should leave and walking out of the building holding her underwear in her hand. Right.
Then other stuff happens and she’s getting more and more pulled into this Ivy business and there’s this scene where the professor tries to (or does? I don’t know, there were a lot of quick cuts) rape her at his house and his daughter sees them and runs out into the street and gets hit by a car, but doesn’t die. And then J.Schaech, who’s her full on boyfriend at this point, seems to see her being raped and, one would imagine, hears her crying and saying no, and when he sees her back at the house (she ran away after the girl got hit by a car) he kind of shakes his head at her and acts like she did something wrong. What? THEN, the professor comes back to rape her again or kill her or something, and they end up in this window and he tries to pull her down with him, but J.Schaech grabs her just in time and Professor Perv falls to his death. Or does he? I mean, is he just gonna come back in Poison Ivy 3 (which I never saw) like he never fell out of a window? Oh, and Alyssa Milano totally loves J.Schaech and happilyeverafter. It was bad. Really bad. Debateable whether it was worse than Poison Ivy (although, the IMDB message board posters would have you believe that Poison Ivy was a quality movie).
And again, creepy pervy people! Not quite as bad as Tom Skerritt, but Professor Perv was pretty nightmare-inducing. Anyway, that’s what we watched as I was finishing up scarves for a wholesale order we got. And it was really embarrassingly awful. Now we’re just hoping that Poison Ivy: The New Seduction with Jamie Presley and that guy who plays Lucky on General Hospital comes on again sometime soon. It was on after Poison Ivy 2, but 4:00 in the morning is not a good time for us to be watching movies.
Y’know?
Love.
